April 14, 2009
"The Girls Who Suck"
Previously on "America's Next Top Model," Wenchie couldn't believe the previews when the girls screamed excitedly at the prospect of meeting... Clay Aiken.
(By the way, I'm actually watching this episode on my computer at work and blogging while I'm watching because it was pre-empted by a friggin' baseball game on Wednesday, and then I completely whiffed the re-run on Friday.)
And right away, Natalie starts in with some dramatic shit! Yay!
Someone apparently really knows how to cook because they've got this whole Thanksgiving-esque feast... or perhaps it really is Thanksgiving. I have no idea when this was taped. Anyway, everyone cleans their own dishes and helps clean up from the meal... except Natalie, who is shouting encouragements to them from the couch in the living room.
"Good job, guys! Thanks for cleaning up!"
Well, the other girls are having none of that, as you may expect. They give each other oh-no-she-di'in't faces and talk about her uncanny resemblance to a female dog.
Teyona is all, "I am not her maid!" Oh, I hear you, honey.
Hearing the names they are calling her -- because these girls are anything but demure -- Natalie huffs and gets off the couch and tries to pull the I-was-just-joking bullshit. And then. And THEN, ladies and gentlemen, she drops the following bomb:
"I'm sorry that I live in a nice community and you don't."
Holy. Fucking. Shit. Did she just apologize for being used to having maids, while insinuating the other girls are from the ghetto or something?! Yeah, that's not going to sit well. Natalie tries to talk her way out of the whole thing but only ends up sounding even worse, so Aminat sends her to her room.
Tyra Mail! "Tomorrow you will be molded into a fine piece of Clay." Ew. Just ew.
They arrive at a theatre, where Paulina is hosting the day's festivities. The girls are brought forward in pairs to say the same line in different ways. And when you put Celia with Aminat, it really accentuates what a horse-face Celia is. I'm kind of falling in love with Aminat. I think she has a good shot at being in the Final Three.
After seeing Natalie's performance, Paulina quips, "Okay, maybe some of you will be more... beauty models." As opposed to... ugly models? Actually, I believe that was Paulina's little dig on Natalie's lack of basic acting skills.
Let's face it, all the girls are pretty lame. Tahlia's lameness stands out most because she can't even follow Paulina's simple requests. And now I'm annoyed with Tahlia again, and I want her to go home.
Paulina gives the girls their scripts, and while some of the girls take the time to read and rehearse them, Tahlia uses her time to rehearse the parting interview that she'll give tonight after she gets sent home.
So blah, blah, blah, Paulina gives Clay this HUGE build-up of an introduction, and I'm sure the girls are expecting someone, you know, awesome. Wait a minute? Clay Aiken is currently in "Spamalot" on Broadway? Good God, I'm so glad wasn't in the cast that came to Chicago. Bleh.
The girls scream and flail like the rent is due, and I have to believe there wasn't much reality in that particular reality-show scene. Fo calls him "pretty much a genius." And if Clay Aiken is a genius, then I am pretty much Supreme Ruler of the Universe, and you may all address me as such from now on.
We get to see snippets of the girls' scenes. And, Natalie, honey? When Paulina Porizwhatever and Clay Aiken say that you "have a little bit of an attitude," then you are in the Bottom Two, FO SHO! Personally, I saw less attitude and more high-school-play in Natalie, but whatever. I'm too busy surpremely ruling the universe to make an issue out of it.
Okay, Clay is kind of awesome, but then, it is kind of type-casting to make him the bitchy fag designer. Celia sends the Over-Acting Meter off the scale.
The winner gets $5,000 worth of merchandise from Joe's Jeans. Paulina annouces London as the winner, and Celia visibly bristles. London screams and then adorably cringes at her own over-reaction.
Her bag o' swag is waiting for her back at the house, and it sure is a teeny-weeny bag for five grand worth of clothes. London takes them out and looks at them but doesn't try them on because -- BIG REVEAL -- she's been struggling with her weight lately. And they probably sent over all size 0 without even asking.
Upon hearing London confess that she can't fit her fat ass into the jeans, the other girls start pawing over the jeans and trying them on, which I think is a bit presumptuous.
Tyra Mail! "Do you play well with others? It's time to find out." I think we all know the answer to that.
Allison says, "We're all kind of thinking... men?" Even though they all have boyfriends. I'm keeping my fingers crosssed for another Shandi moment!
McKey is at the shoot shilling for Cover Girl's latest schlock TRUblend microminerals foundation, which the girls are going to shoot a commercial for. Teyona, Aminat, Celia and Allison are one group. Hee! Natalie, Fo, London and Tahlia is the other. Hee again! Dare we hope that they'll disobey Tyra and Jay and not work well together? Natalie kicks things off by calling the rest of the girls in her group "little hicks." Wheeee!
The first group of girls suck ass in front of the camera, while Mama McKey lets the others pick wisdom from her brain. Y'all can write your own punchline for that. We see a lot of Allison talking about how much she sucks, so I think we can assume she's in the Bottom Two with Tahlia.
Tyra Mail! Judging, bitches! Clay is the guest judge and perhaps the only person in the room wearing more makeup than Miss Jay.
We are forced to watch all the girls' commercials. They tell Celia that she comes off kind of old. Teyona is natural but also kinda crazy.
Allison gets ragged on for wearing the same dress twice to judging. London, too, gets a wardrobe critique when Paulina tells her not to wear those shorts again. And I have to agree. Formal shorts on chunky thighs -- not a good combo.
Natalie doesn't relate to the other girls in the shoot. Fo stumbles on her lines. Nigel tells Tahlia that she is "great background."
Deliberations! You know what, y'all? This is all crap that you've heard before, so I'm not going to get into it. Plus, this review is getting way too long. Again. Let me just say that Clay Aiken is Thee Most Opinionated and Outspoken guest judge they have ever had.
Before handing out photos, Tyra rags on them for having the worst group of commercials ever. Except for Celia. Nyah. The rest of the girls are called until Allison and Tahlia are left in the Bottom Two, just as I predicted.
Allison is an editorial one-trick pony. The camera loves Tahlia, but she doesn't love the camera. So who stays? Allison, who is told to get a personality.
Tahlia interviews that, even though she was her own worst enemy during the competition, she's still a role model to other burn victims because she made it as far as she did. I guess I can give her that.
Next episode: The girls direct each others' photo shoots, and someone named Sierre shows up.
Comments
Okay, do you think Joe's Jeans was given London's clothing size based on when she started Top Model? Because that would suck getting 5 grand of crap you can't wear. Her shorts WERE horrifying at panel, why would you do that to yourself?
I really want to like Alison, I wish she'd get a personality because she could be really cool
I got sick of Tahlia so I'm happy she went. I get it, you've suffered, well it's time to move one because not ONE of the outfits you modeled showed your scars, it's not like they did a bathing suit or nude shoot so don't play that card when it clearly wasn't a factor in the photo shoots.
Do you watch the commercials of McKee during the show? They never show her speaking on camera when she's doing a lot of lines - remember how bad she was at the commercial? I'm betting she STILL sucks. And when they introduced her and she plugged the product, she was totally reading that off a prompter or cards. Bitch please, you have to get better!
Posted by: Hope at April 15, 2009 09:45 AM