April 20, 2009
"The Girl Who Acts Like a Lady"
Previously on "America's Next Top Model," I kinda had to admit that Clay Aiken is a tiny bit cool. Now that he's out of the closet. Oh, and Burnie went home.
It's a recap show. Or rather, as Tyra promises, this recap episode will be chock full o' stuff we haven't seen before. I hope so. I frakkin' hate recaps.
Oh wait. Okay, I'm only going to recap the stuff we haven't seen before.
Ew, pre-makeover models! They're so ugly! Ack! London's headbands! Hey, it's Angelea! Remember her? She tried to throw down with Sandra? Awwww, I miss her. I think she'll be back in future episodes.
Then we're treated to a montage of Celia "breaking down" the other girls, at Tyra's request. And by "breaking down," I mean into short, consise, three-word descriptions of each girl. Bitchy, yet eerily accurate. And we are reminded of exactly why we hate Sandra, i.e. because she's a bitch who hogs the mirror.
There's some scavenger hunt from the top of the Empire State Building, regarding New York landmarks. Celia wins the keys to the house. There, the girls worship at the altar of the runway, and Aminat does a kind of hillbilly slap-dance. In nerd glasses. And it's kind of awesome.
Oh! It's Nijah that Sandra had a run-in with when she was hogging the mirror. And now Sandra continues to push Nijah's buttons by asking her such questions as, "Are you a college drop-out?" And, "Are you a plus-size model?" Day-um!
The other girls are trying to figure out if Sandra really is a bitch, or if she just doesn't realize what she's doing. *pfft* Okay, gather 'round, kiddies. Here's a lesson from Mama Wenchie. Bitches ALWAYS know they are being bitches.
And then there's another montage -- this one, of Sandra trying to pretend that she's not a bitch by telling Nijah that she's not a bad person. Nijah's not buying it, and neither is America.
Oh my God. Little Miss Wednesday Allison Addams draws a picture of a girl with a bright red nosebleed. Disturbing!
Hey, more makeover drama! YAY! Okay, that's lame. One shot of Celia crying over her shortened hair. Jip!
Aminat and Teyona walk the living room runway, and then strip. Yup, they strip right down to their pixelated nipples and bush. In an interview, Sandra... okay, I have to write this out vertabim. With stage directions.
Sandra: Whoa, like, are you serious? Are you really, really serious? I don't feel like Aminat should be America's next top model because she just does not act like a lady. [puts finger into nose and pulls it out]
Record: *scrrraaatch*
Crickets: Chirp. Chirp.
Sandra: [stares wide-eyed into the camera] Sorry, America, I just picked my nose on t.v.
You guys, judging by her delivery, I don't even think she was trying to be funny or ironic. I really think she absentmindedly got rid of a boogie that was bugging her, on national television.
Pure. Awesome.
If you would like to experience Pure Awesome for yourself, go here and start watching at about 17:00. Enjoy!
Remember the challenge where they had to sell Cover Girl's sparkley mascara? We get to see the photo shoot that Celia, Aminat and Sandra won. The girls model l.e.i. clothes for a WalMart ad. Well, I guess they have to start somewhere, huh?
Montages! This is totally the montage episode. We see a montage of Natalie napping in every possible situation, and Fo crying and crying and crying and crying.
Allison, Celia and Kortnie build a bird house. Yawn.
Hey, remember the pose-off the girls had to do in front of all those queens? Celia wins, and her prize is that she gets to keep her dress or pick one of the other girls' dresses. And she gets to pick a friend to keep their dress, too.
But Celia asks, "I get to snatch two for myself or pick a friend to keep?" Now, kudos to her for working the word snatch into polite conversation, but clearly, keeping two dresses for herself was NOT what Benny Ninja meant. But queens do love a bitch, so they let her choose another dress, and she chooses Allison's.
For some reason, this event causes Celia and Allison to fall in love with each other, which they admit on national television. The other girls call them Frick & Frack, Thing One & Thing Two, and Dumb & Dumber. Hee!
You ever notice that Tyra says "uh-liminated" instead of "E-liminated"? Kinda annoys me.
Another montage! This one of Sandra repeating herself over and over and over during arguments, possibly because her command of the English language is kind of limited, so she has to stick with what she knows. Which is insults.
Okay, I'm so tired of Celia's three-piece suit. She is no Annie Lennox.
Hee! Montage of Sandra saying, on what are clearly many different days, "I am here to be America's next top model."
Hey, Toccara's here! When was Toccara here? I missed Toccara?! The girls ask her for her first impressions of them, and she calls Sandra "closed." This causes Sandra to burst into tears and use that old bitch stand-by excuse for her behavior, "I was picked on a lot in middle school."
But Aminat keeps it real with, "We were all picked on, a'ight? Gimme a break!" Word.
Hee! Filthy house montage! Ew. I would go absolutely batshitty in that place.
At the Cover Girl commercial shoot, McKey shows up with a homemade chocolate cake. Adorable! Also? Passive-aggressive! Feeding cake to the wanna-be Cover Girl competition. Love it!
Hey, Celia? Jay Leno called. He wants his chin back.
Seven girls remain! Allison, the intrigueing oddball. Teyona with the mile-high cheekbones. London, the pretty and pious girl. Natalie, the sexy stunner. Celia, the shrewd and sophisticated girl. Aminat, the brassy and beautiful girl. Fo, the adorable free-spirit.
Of course, those are Tyra's descriptions. Here are mine:
Allison, the Marie Osmond vampire doll. Teyona, soon to star in "Teyona vs. Predator." London, the used car salesman. Natalie, the stuck-up bitch. Celia, the horse-faced shrew. Aminat, Wenchie's pick to win. And Fo, cute but lame.
Don't worry, there's a real episode airing this week.