May 29, 2009
The Game Is On!
That's was the subject line of an email I received from K (a.k.a. Mrs. Garrance, a.k.a. A and Kelly Garrett's mom). The body read as follows:
The game is on, and you're IT! Describe ME in one word.... just one single word. Send it to me and to me only. Then send this message to all your friends and see how many strange & interesting things they say about you. This is really fun!Here's how to play:
1. Hit the reply key and send me my one word.
2. Then return to this message, and forward it to your friends (including me) and see what people say about you when limited to one word!
So I played along, although with some trepidation. I expected... well, at first, I didn't feel like I was fishing for compliments. But the more emails I received, the more I felt like I had manipulated people into saying something nice about me. What a weird "game."
Frankly, I was expecting a lot of back-handed compliments, like "unique" or "outspoken." So I was really taken aback by the responses I got. Even Spikette overcame the urge to say "weird."
Of course, I didn't send it to my Dad. I'm pretty sure he'd say "hippie." And I didn't send it to my step daughters because I didn't want to put them in the awkward position of feeling like they had to be nice about The Evil Stepmom.
I guess the REAL test would be to send The Game to all of one's not-so-friends, huh? Nah, I already know what my frenemies say about me. There wouldn't be nearly as many surprises from them as there were from my real friends:
Nephew said "fun." His mom, Spikette, said "talented."
Billi said, "Sassy. (Oh, you heard me!)" Dictionary.com says:
sas·sy (sās'ē) adj.1. Rude and disrespectful; impudent.
2. Lively and spirited; jaunty.
3. Stylish; chic: a sassy little hat.
I'm going to assume that she meant definition number two.
Egrau said, "Hystericallyfunny." Clearly, Egrau cheats. Or can't count.
Mom said, "LOVABLE." No surprises there. I mean, I should hope my own mother finds me lovable!
Scarlett said, "Vivacious!" And the bold is part of the original quote, I didn't add it.
Judy said, "CREATIVE" in pink letters. I don't know how she did that, making the letters pink within an email. I don't think I have that capacity. Judy may have to retract her word, due to my inability to be as creative as she is.
Snippy Bitch said, "Original, creative, verbal. OK... so I can't stick to one word! : )" Verbal??? That's one of those backhanded compliments I was worried about! But coming from a snippy bitch, it's definitely a compliment, so I'll let it go.
Mickey said, "Piratebootylicious!" I like that.
I got a "Confidant" from Marty and a "Billiant" from Laura.
Ooh! Another "Vivacious" from Oz! Let's see what Dictionary.com has to say about that word:
vi-va-cious [vi-vey'-shuhs] adj.lively; animated; gay: a vivacious folk dance.
Oh, dear God. I am a gay folk dance.
I'm stopping there. I can't take any more compliments.
Posted at 01:00 PM | Comments (1)May 27, 2009
And Speaking of God's Wrath...
If this eConversation with Heather doesn't get me on the next Hummer to hell, then I don't know what will. It also contains some social commentary on how I feel about corporations -- and lots of them do it -- who base salaries on what they perceive that employees NEED instead of what they actually DESERVE.
And how we make that leap from blasphemy to equal rights, I don't even know. Just go with it.
(eConversation had while in the throes of my most recent temp job)
PW: so, it looks like the person who now has the job I might have, works full time
H: but you're so smart you could do it in half time?
PW: that would be AWESOME
PW: cuz the broad who has it now is one of those who likes to bustle around and look busy and important and put-upon.
PW: so I"m thinking if I DIDN'T spend so much time on the cross, I'd get more done in less time
H: that's what we thought about jesus, too.
H: in case you're wondering if I could get any cooler?
H: I just got the invite to [Famous Huge Corporation] President's retirement party.
PW: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
H: I know!
H: I am the coolest!
PW: first the Rock Me Sexy Jesus bracelet, now this?!
H: how do you STAND me?
PW: I'm feeling so inadequate.
PW: I'm like, "Yeah, I MIGHT have a job that COULD have anywhere from 20-40 hours, but my potential boss is outta town, and no one KNOWS anything, LEAST of all what I'd make". and you're like, "I'm lunching with the Pope!"
PW: get me and my not-really-employed-ness
H: your boobs are still bigger, and your hair bouncier.
PW: I think I should get $45K/yr. for the bouncy hair alone
H: DUh.
H: you havn't accpeted unless you konw how much you're getting.
PW: clearly
PW: and it had better be GOOD
PW: I think a dump-truck full should hold me for a little while
H: Seriously.
H: although if you're part time at 45K? I will die of jealousy.
H: just hope you're prepared.
PW: that'd never happen
PW: I'd be lucky to get half that at fulltime
PW: because I am a woman and have no children, remember?
H: no family to support, right.
PW: exactly
PW: clearly, I"d just be working for spending money, so I can buy mascara and shoes
PW: because my husband is RICH and has no children that we are supporting
PW: I'm really just woring as a hobby
PW: I usually just roll up my checks and smoke them. never even deposit them.
H: Like Karen on Will and Grace!
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PW: only drunker
PW: with bigger boobs
H: EXACTLY!
May 24, 2009
The Smoting Hand of Lawyer
What with the current economic situation...
God, I can't wait until we don't have to hear that phrase -- or some variation of it -- in every, single commercial. "In today's economy, you can't afford NOT to use our product!" And yet...
In today's economy, I'm looking at what may be the longest bout of joblessness I've ever had. And that's a little scary. So let's relieve the tension by fondly remembering some of the good times from my cubicle days!
I remember one day in particular...
Begin sepia tone denoting olde tyme days.
I was in Bill's office, talking Battlestar Galactica because he is both God and Worshipper of All Things Sci Fi. Also? Powerful, brilliant lawyer. On the one hand, intimidating as hell. On the other, hilariously nerdy. How could I not love him?
Anyhoo, Bill asked if I was going to see the new Star Trek movie opening weekend, and I replied that I was not because I had three shows to do -- Friday, Saturday, Sunday.
Well, after some snide remarks about how some people don't even bother to see Star Trek when it's in the theaters, Bill finally got around to asking about the shows I was doing. Because he's interested in things other than sci fi. No, really.
I explained to him about the bottle band, and how it's a musical-comedy group, and how we make money for charities, and how we've been on Letterman twice. And he was relatively impressed, even though there were no lasers or cyborgs in our shows -- until I mentioned Act Two.
Traditionally, the bottle band does a parody of a musical for the second act. "The Sound of Bottles." "Snow White and the Seven Bottles." "Cows" (much better than "Cats"). This year, we did "Les Bottleables."
Well. You'd have thought I'd called his mother a dirty, sailor-humping trollup, the way he looked at me. He then proceeded to lecture me on the Vast, Global, Timeless Importance of the book "Les Miserables," and how the American civil war soldiers used to carry it with them into battle and blah blah blah.
And when he started in on the musical, I just couldn't keep a straight face. I mean, I loves me some "Les Mis." I've seen it three times, I have the CD, it's definitely in my Top Five. But he was just so zealous about it, I couldn't help myself!
I said, "Yeah, but haven't really heard it until you've heard it performed in the original bottle!"
And do you know what he did then?
He threatened to call The Wrath Of God down upon me!!!
End sepia tone denoting olde tyme days.
Cooooool!
Can he really do that?! Is that a standard lawyer power, or is it just because he works for a religious institution? Can he do it himself, or does he have to call in an ordained minister to come at me, hand in the What up, bitches! position, shooting flames and locusts and bad hair days out of his palm?
I really want to know what that looks like -- The Wrath Of God, Lawyer Style! What would the soundtrack be? The Flight of the Valkyries? Something from Mozart's Requiem? Barney's Theme Song?
And what does one wear to experience God's Wrath? Is sackcloth and ashes too obvious? Should I shave my head? Maybe some vestal garments?
So many questions! And all of them moot because Bill has yet to invoke said wrath. I'm almost starting to think that he can't really do it...
Posted at 09:02 AM | Comments (0)May 20, 2009
Door County Skies
Was in Door Co. this weekend, stimulating the local economy with Billy and her neighbor-friend, Terry. Terry works for a divorce lawyer in the Loop. And if you're a divorce lawyer in the Loop, it's pretty safe to assume that you eat bowls of money for breakfast.
Yes, Terry's boss has a summer home in Door Co. The kind of summer home that is bigger than my regular home. The kind of summer home where she tells us not to bother with the sheets and towels because the maid will take care of it.
I always complain that I don't know enough rich people. But I guess knowing people who know rich people is good enough because Terry's boss let us stay at her huge, gorgeous, maid-maintained summer home for free. Or as Al Swerengen would say, "Free gratis."
Here is the view that we had from the dining room, where we ate cherry cheese Kringle every morning and wine cheese and crackers every evening.
Of course, this photo was taken from inside the house because it was windy and cold that day, and I wasn't about to mess up my hair just for a photo to show you people. Can you believe the size of that deck?!
Luckily, the second day, the weather was perfect.
Now, parts of Door Co. are very rural, but, contrary to what Heather may think, there are no pigs and chickens roaming the streets. In fact, it is rare to see a farm animal of any kind on the main drags. But there he was! Random horse!
Weird. Well, at least it gave the bored and weary husbands something semi-interesting to look at while they carried their wives' purses and shopping bags and prayed for death. Love the Jack Daniels denim jacket. Classyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
Oh, and here's the shower where Billi and I showered each morning. Separately.
The perfect place to film a porno, no?
And speaking of breathtaking beauty, here is Saturday night's sunset.
We didn't actually watch it, but we could see it out of the corner of our eyes while we watched Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, which, if you haven't seen it, you'll need to rent immediately.
After torturing Heather the Nature Hater with many scenery photos, texted from my phone, she retaliated by sending me a photo of herself in a bubble bath.
Well played, Heather. Well played.
It's now my computer desktop wallpaper.
Posted at 08:12 AM | Comments (0)May 15, 2009
"The Girl Who Is America's Next Top Sperm Receptacle"
Previously on "America's Next Top Model," Tyra pushed the ugly duckling outta the nest, leaving three girls to cut each others' throats for a dubious honor that time has proved will not launch anyone's career.
I'm gonna go on record right here. I can't believe Tyra let Allison get this far. Aminat is the one I wanna hang with. But I think Teyona is walking away with the prize.
Tyra Mail! "Be on point tomorrow or you can kiss this competition good-bye." And they have scripts. No surprise there. Aminat is aware that she's "the underdog." Teyona is excited, and Allison is so scared that her eyes are bugging out. Oh, wait...
The winner with get today's photograph as part of a national Cover Girl campaign. McKey is there to describe the lip stain. She's still an awkward turtle.
Aminat's commercial isn't bad. She knows her lines, but she forgets to smile with her eyes. Oh, Jeebus, "smile with your eyes" is now part of my regular vocabulary. Her photo is really good, too. She's not screwing up, but she's not wow-ing anyone, either. She's drama-less.
Allison knows the script but completely blanks on the delivery. Luckily, take two is much better. The photographer says she has "a Betty Page type of look."
Teyona flubs her words over and over. She confesses to having made up a song to learn them. Jay tells her to do the song, but halfway through, she messes up again and starts crying. Mayhaps I spoke too soon? She eventually pulls it off, and Jay tells her to leave it behind when she takes her photo.
Tyra Mail! Judging! The two finalists will be walking in a Rosa Cha fashion show. The compilation commercial is actually one of the least-sucky I've seen in thirteen seasons.
They watch Teyona's horrible, horrible take, and she cries again. It's so pitiful that even Paulina feels bad for her. However, her photo is the "epitomy of smiling with your eyes!"
Allison's take is... "almost there." her photo is really good, and Tyra confesses that she sees a commercial model in her, as well as an editorial model, "and I never thought that."
The judges really like Aminat's take because "that's how real people talk." Yet her film is just the opposite.
Deliberations! And they kinda skip right over that and call the girls back in. First called is -- Allison! Bet she didn't see that coming! Aminat and Teyona come forward. Tyra lists the pros and cons of each girl and eventually gives Teyona her photo. Aminat has to go home and master her face.
Ann Shoket, Seventeen editor, is at the shoot that will eventually become a six-page spread in said magazine. Allison is adorable. Teyona is her usual awesome self. Ann says she's never seen such a tight race. I think Allison looks seventeen and Teyona looks twenty-seven.
The girls arrive at some... orchestra house/music school for the fashion show. Jay wants to see "sex appeal stompin' it out." The girls get dressed up like Vegas show girls, in swimwear. Hey, did you know that there's such a thing as "the Brazilian stomp?" Yeah, me neither. But Tyra said it, so it must be true!
STOMP IT TO THE DEATH!
There's drums and dancers in white. McKey comes out in black wings and feather train and actually walks kinda like poopie. Oh dear God, what is Miss J wearing? That guy just can't get enough attention.
Teyona walks really well. And sadly, I feel completely qualified to make that call. Allison, not so good. Then the girls are shoved in an elevator or something, and they have to samba down the runway in a group. Jeebus, Miss J, sit your ass down for 30 seconds! It's not about you! Did Tyra forget to give him his meds this morning?
For the finale, the girls are smeared head-to-toe with black grease. Ew. It doesn't really show up on Teyona. All the models, male and female, crawl and slide down the runway, and just generally engage in very Caligula-esque activities. If any of them had boobs, I suppose it would be sexy.
Teyona's hairpiece comes off, so she uses it as a prop and twirls it around. I'm pretty sure those bathing suits are ruined. They all end up spent, in a heap, lying like corpses on the runway.
Backstage, Tyra tells the girls, "You both did so good!" WELL, Tyra. They both did so WELL. Critiques!
The judges all confess shock and awe that Allison was as together and fabulous as she was on the runway. She really turned it out. Teyona did well as long as she walked with her hands on her hips. Holy crap, you guys. Is Allison gonna walk away with this competition? I didn't think she'd get past week three!
Then they move on to body-of-work. Their critiques are really neck-in-neck. They've both been consistently good-to-excellent.
Deliberations!
Runway: Allison gave more than expected; Teyona gave less. Teyona has the best walk; Allison has the most improved walk. Photos: Allison has traveled further. Teyona photographs really, really well and has an honesty about her.
Decision!
As Tyra gives her speech and draws out the suspense, Allison stares at the ground while Teyona searches the faces of the judges. And just when I think Allison is going to come from behind and overtake the hare, it turns out I was right with my first instinct -- Teyona wins it!
I think what tipped it in for Teyona is that she wanted it just a bit more than Allison did. Allison loses gracefully and without tears. She'll have a modeling career regardless. In fact, she may even pull an Aiken and surpass the winner.
Teyona goes off for her photoshoot with Nigel and Tyra. I'll be looking forward to her "My Life as a Cover Girl" commercials next season, see if she can keep her shit together.
Posted at 08:09 AM | Comments (1)May 13, 2009
A Portrait
In honor of Mother's Day, Husband and I planted some flowers in the big, brick planter in front of my parents' house. You guys, I had dirt under my fingernails. That's like one tiny step from sticking a piece of hay in my mouth and hooking my thumbs in the straps of my overalls.
"You need directions to the next town? Well, Cowsudderton is just up the road a piece. You just follow the fence 'til it ends and take a right. Where the road forks, take a left and drive until you see the sign for Jeb's Roadkill Taxedermy and take another left. If you see a dead pig on the side of the road, you've gone too far."
Anyhoo, poor Mommie Dearest had to suffer through my pubescent, eye-rolling years, and did so without punching me in the face, so she's definitely worth some dirty fingernails. Because I totally deserved many, many face-punches.
Also in honor of Mother's Day, I'd like to present to the world -- for the first time ever -- this portrait of Mommie Dearest, circa 1975, lovingly rendered in crayon on tablet paper.
Takes your breath away, doesn't it?
I'm not sure what this maternal portrait says about me, so I'm not even going to delve into it. I was just shy of six at the time and not a master of... proportional relationships. So to speak.
And now you know where I get mine.
Posted at 07:44 AM | Comments (4)May 11, 2009
"The Girl Who Is An Autumn Chicken"
Previously on "America's Next Top Model," I was strangely aroused at the sight of Nigel fondling a fat man's hairy breasts.
Four girls remain -- Allison, Celia, Teyona and Aminat -- and Teyona's all pumped about getting her photo first last week. Celia talks about having to prove her (alleged) awesomeness, while Aminat confesses that she's not excited about having to spend another week with Celia. Neither are we, honey.
Allison, however, is glad that her buddy got to stay, while Teyona and Aminat sing their own praises in the hot tub.
Tyra Mail! ...uh, I can't spell or pronounce this one. Sounds like some kind of bird or nursery rhyme.
Oh. Dance hall. Got it. There are hot, sexy Brazilians dancing, and Paulina is there to tell the girls that they are learning the Samba. Oh, this aughtta be good. Allison is already sweating the "poise and coordination" that it's going to require.
The girls learn some steps, then butcher them with a partner while trying to keep their faces model-y. Celia does the steps well but has no passion. Paulina tells her that she is "at an age that is way old for modeling, and desparation is not sexy." HA!
Aminat impresses Paulina by really taking to the dance. Allison is terrified. Teyona has two left feet. If it were a challenge, it would go to Aminat. Paulina not-so-subtely hints that they should work on their steps at home.
Tyra Mail! "Whatever you do, don't look down." Hmm. That doesn't bode well. The girls assume it's a dancing challenge and start practicing. Aminat is practicing in leopard-print heels and striped sox, reminding me of my favorite street-urchin-whore, Heather. Shout-out! Word.
The girls arrive on a rooftop where Paulina is dancing with a black guy in a white suit. He throws her in the air, and, before the camera cuts away, we are treated to a view of just how large her thighs have gotten since her retirement from modeling. Don't piss off the writers, Paulina! They will get you!
Oooh. Eduardo is hot. The advice Paulina gives the girls is basically, "Fake it 'til you make it." Which is kind of my motto in life -- in life, not in bed -- so I have to respect that. The winner of the challenge will pick a friend to share Zara Vartanian jewelry with, over $7,000 worth. Sparkly!
The girls put on their outfits and dance with Eduardo. Allison looks like the flower girl dancing with the groom at a wedding. Celia wrote RELAX on her wrist. Frankie says so! Aminat is "rogue-ish," and Celia concedes defeat before it's over. Teyona -- not good.
Paulina calls Allison "pathetic," Celia "impeccable," Aminat "effective," and Teyona, well, it just "wasn't her moment." Paulina stupidly picks Celia to win, and Aminat's face falls. She and everyone else thought she was a shoe-in. FIX!
Celia picks Allison to share the jewelry with, and Paulina is all, "Really?" She makes a face, and I think Paulina and I are both thinking the same thing -- the runner-up should have been the one to share in the $7,000 prize, not the suckiest dancer there.
The yellow-haired girls show up at the Zara Vartanian store, where a scruffy, dirty, underdressed man meets them. Seriously, is that how you dress when you work in a jewelry store? Celia chooses a pair of onyx earrings; and Allison, a turquoise pendant necklace. Wait. That's it? Those diamond-less baubles are worth $7,000?! That's retarded!
Tyra Mail! "At some point, the mama bird needs to push her babies out of the nest."
At 6:40 a.m., Sutan and Christian jump in bed with the sleeping girls. Allison is alarmed. Don't worry, honey, they only want to braid your hair. There's some serious ratting going on, and then everyone hustles out the door, half-finished.
They drive for two hours, after which Aminat says, "We are seriously in the jungle. It's not like jungle-for-t.v." Heather, we have to invite her to our next sleepover. There a smoking car obstructing the road, and if the girls don't know it's a set-up, then... I don't even know. Their first clue is that Sutan actually wants to sully himself by helping the poor stranded people.
The stranded person is Tyra, and she's photographing them today. She's carrying a wrench for probably the first time ever. Oh, it's a chocolate wrench, which she unwraps and eats!
Not really.
They meet up with Jay, who points out that there are 2.5 million species of insects where they are, but the girls aren't going to be insects -- they're going to be birds.
Allison is wearing a black feather bra. Cool. And she's the least nervous that she's ever been on set. Then she has a total fan girl moment and tells Tyra that "you're really pretty." Hee!
Aminat's body movements in the nest are fantastic, but Tyra and Jay decide that the secret to making her face more alive is "wiggling her ears." I cannot make this stuff up, people. When they're done, Jay goes, "Have fun combing out your hair!" He's such a bitch.
Celia feels relaxed and natural at the shoot... because looking like a bird with ten pounds of teased hair is what she does every Tuesday. Apparently.
Teyona has everything working against her -- loosing the light, overpowering clothes, awkward location. And yet... Tyra and Jay both give her thumbs up!
Tyra Mail! Judging!
The girls speculate, but no one is willing to guess who will go home because they honestly have no clue. And for once, neither do I. But I hope it's Celia, Mr. Burns' love child!
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Looks like the girls got to keep their Samba dresses.
Allison is up first, and her photo is "stunning!" Tyra even uses the words "proud" and "impressed," and you know those aren't words that Mama throws around easily! The other girls look nervous.
Teyona looks "absolutely glorious," according to Paulina, but the rest of the judges don't agree. They think it's great but not her best. Egg on Paulina's face! And who put Teyona in granny panties?
Celia's photo has "major strength," even though she has her arm pit straight to camera. She looks cross-eyed to me. Miss J declares that she is "no spring chicken."
There are mixed reviews about Aminat's photo, but Tyra likes that she learned from the direction that she and Jay gave her and started using the muscles in her face. Mama Ty-Ty loves a learner!
Deliberations! With only four girls left, it's time to start nit-picking.
Allison is using her softness to stand apart from the group of strong girls. Plus, she has the look of eternal youth going for her. Teyona is excellent in photographs but not good at selling herself. The judges are of two minds about Celia, except for Miss J, who just can't get past her age. Aminat has drive and THEE Body, but the light doesn't hit her face in a way that is photogenic.
Allison is the first called for her photo, followed by Teyona, leaving Geezer and Wenchie's Pick in the Bottom Two. The tension gets to Teyona, who starts crying out of relief.
Tyra enjoyed shooting both Celia and Aminat, but they both have strength only from the neck down. Aminat stays! She's has a little emo moment of her own before hugging Celia. Allison looks devastated. She clearly feels very alone now that Celia is leaving, but I think Teyona and Aminat will be nice to her.
Celia leaves with no tears, feeling special that Tyra Banks saw something in her. And wearing some weird gorilla vest.
Next episode: FINALE!!! Three girls make a commercial, two girls strut down a runway, and one girl begins her fifteen minutes of fame.
Posted at 08:07 AM | Comments (1)May 08, 2009
Seventeen Again, Again
Last week, Heather and I went to see "Seventeen Again" because... I don't know. Now we're fans of the cast of "High School Musical"? I really have no explanation for the whole event. Nor do I have an explanation of how they think Troy Bolton in any way resembles Chandler Bing.
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Regardless, the whole fiasco led to this conversation:
H: so, I had a rant in my mind about how you and me watching teen movies is like dudes watching fast and the furious-type action flicks...
H: and then it fell right out of my head.
PW: onto the floor?
H: except for the part where I acknowledge that my actual teen fantasy is to have my teenage body back.
H: I think it fell into my bra. but if I go looking in there, I will never finish my day.
PW: HA!
PW: how did it fall out? I mean, it's not like it's competing for space with all the OTHER really deep thoughts in there.
H: oh, I know what happened...I had it in my head last night, and then I somehow had a dream about somehow getting sent bacck to 1986 into teenagerdom, but with all the knowledge I already have. and yet, still a nightmare.
PW: If I had my teen body back, I'd be a hooker. and a really rich one
PW: and I'd dress like a ho every min of every day
PW: I'm thinking about my waist and hearing "sunrise, sunset" in my head
PW: "where is that little waist I once knew"
H: oh my god. I miss my tiny thighs! and that waist! yes!
PW: I miss sweat not collecting under my boobs
PW: but that's probably TMI
H: heh.
H: I miss not having to try shit on.
H: just knowing it'll fit and look great.
PW: if I had all my knowledge and went back to HS, I could score soooo much pot
Those must be encouraging words for my mother to read. But, see, Mom? You must've done something right because I wasn't a pot-smoking hooker in high school! Happy Mother's Day!
Which reminds me of this outfit from a wedding I was at over the summer:
I really, really wanted to hate her for wearing skin-tight, banana-yellow satin and snake-skin stillettos to a wedding. But I had to be honest with myself -- if I had her body, I'd be calling all kinds of attention to myself. A flashing neon hat would not be out of the question.
The moral is: If you are seventeen, relish your body! And you totally shouldn't be reading this. Go clean your room.
Posted at 05:10 PM | Comments (0)May 06, 2009
"The Girl Who Can't Reach Success"
Previously on "America's Next Top Model," the CW couldn't get their shit together to get full episodes on their stupid website fast enough because they're too busy jerking each other off to "Gossip Girl," so I had to resort to YouTube.
The girls talk about how awesome it is that Natalie is gone, and somehow Celia segues that into talking about how insightful and fabulous she is. America, meet The New Natalie.
Tyra Mail! "You need to hit the ground running if you want to fly." The girls are thinking para-sailing and hang-gliding.
Fo admits that she never thought she'd make it this far and that most of her life has been "half-assed." Kiss of death right there, people.
The girls go to the HQ for Brazilian Fashion Week. Go-sees! "That made me want to die a little bit," says Allison. Too bad that the designers are looking for "style, personality and soul." I think being dead would eliminate her from at least one of those catagories.
They are going by taxi, and their deadline is 3:30. There is the usual bitching about traffic. 'Cause... America doesn't have traffic...? Celia beats Teyona to several locations by a hair.
Things the designers don't like about the girls: Celia's advanced age of 25; Allison's shyness and walk; Fo's shorty-shortness at 5'8".
Things the designers do like about the girls: Fo's ethnic look; Aminat's walk; Teyona's whole package; Celia's confidense.
The girls start arriving back at HG. Teyona is first. Says Aminat, "I made it with, like, ten minutes to spare, which is good because I'm African -- I'm never on time."
Is that a black thing? Being late? How come I don't know about this? The sistahs are holding out on me! I need to know allllllll their secrets!
Allison makes it back as well. Celia gets back at 3:31. The girls give her shit, but she's all, "I'm on time, I'm fine." Hmm. We'll see... Fo is totally late.
The girls go back... somewhere... by helicoptor. But Celia and Fo are not allowed to get on the 'coptor because they were late. HA! Suck it, Celia! The tardy girls have to take a taxi.
Allison went on four go-sees, and the designers like her look, but she needs to work on her personality and her walk. The designers love Aminat and think she has a great walk. But Teyona, well, she is "everything a designer is looking for in a model." Hard to top that.
The "weiner" of the challenge (that's what the lady said -- "weiner") will get a piece from every designer's collection that they saw that day. And it's Teyona! The clothes are waiting for her when they all return to the house.
Teyona is being very protective of her clothes, and I don't blame her around these grabby bitches. Fo cries. Celia can barely choke back the bile of envy rising in her throat.
Tyra Mail! "Top models get maximum exposure. Tomorrow you'll know what that feels like." Oooh, nudie!
Jay shows up at the beach wearing the gayest shorts and muscle shirt I've ever seen. Or maybe they just look gay on him. You know Nigel told Tyra he'd waive his entire fee for the season if she's just give him the high-fashion swimwear shoot.
It's going to be a crowd shot, from which the girls will have to stand out. Easy for Celia, being the palest, most aged corpse on the Brazilian shoreline. Dear God, these girls have no boobies. HA! I love the extras! They're all fat tourists with coconut drinks!
All the girls must be wearing thongs because the CW is pixelating their butt cheeks. Aminat looks amazing. Bitch was built for bikinis. Fo doesn't interact with her surroundings and looks like Gollum, according to Jay.
Allison plays with the fat guy and Nigel loves it. So does the fat guy. But Teyona is the one who makes Nigel smile.
OHMYGODHA! Celia sucks so bad that Nigel has to put down his camera and show her what to do, which is to make sweet love to the fat guy. It's so awkward and horrible! Ack! I can't look!
Tyra Mail! Judging!
There will be no judging of Teyona in her new designer dress because she is fierceness personified, and Tyra is going to have to think of a new, ridiculous adjective just for her! I think it should be "Bongo!" "Bongo" is the new superlative!
Nigel listed all of Celia's shortcomings on set, and to her credit, she totally owned them and didn't make those excuses that Tyra & Co. so hate.
The judges describe Aminat's body as "wow," "spectacular" and "slammin'." But she's not using it to her advantage in her photos.
Okay, this "best shot" of Fo... no. They are totally fucking with her. This can't possibly be the best photo. This is their excuse to send her home. Well, she also didn't book any go-sees. Oh, that's not good.
Tyra calls Allison a "sexual mermaid that washed up on the shores of Brazil." That's good, right? But she only booked one go-see because of her in-person insecurity.
Deliberations!
Teyona has blown the judges away. Celia looks like she's never been in front of a camera before. "Fo looks like monkey-scrunch." Aminat needs to get some tension in her body. Allison was versitile and worked the set but was a wreck immediately following.
Teyona, of course, gets her photo first. Allison's next, followed by Aminat. This leaves Fo and Celia in the Bottom Two. I'm glad about either one of them leaving. Fo is a wuss, and Celia is a geezer. Tyra points out both of their flaws -- Celia's age and Fo's lack of height.
So who stays? Celia. But I don't care. As long as she goes home next week. Fo's waterworks go into high gear, but she leaves with grace and sweetness. Oddly enough for the house's biggest crybaby, she leaves with a really positive attitude. And a pink hoodie. Bye, sweet pea! Don't underestimate the power of a high school diploma!
Next episode, the girls have to samba with a man in a white suit, and Tyra takes the girls' photos, almost falling off a cliff in the process.
And now I'm caught up!
Posted at 08:48 AM | Comments (1)May 04, 2009
"The Girl Who Thinks She's All That"
Previously on "America's Next Top Model," London got eliminated for being fat, so Fo, Aminat, Teyona, Celia, Allison and Natalie are going to Brazil.
Montage of the girls "sipping on Hate-orade" and realizing -- DUH! -- that they are in a competition and things are probably bound to get nasty. We can only hope!
Fernanda Motta is there to greet the girls once they land in Brazil. She's the host of "Brazil's Next Top Model" or whatever. Wow. This is quite a little franchize Tyra's got going here. Anyway, Brazil is GORGEOUS.
The girls have to go find the girl from Ipanema... there really is one. Huh. Never thought about it. The girls pair up according to color. Teyona and Aminat; Fo and Natalie; Celia and Allison. Weird. The tan girls are first to get their clue. The black girls are close behind. And the yellow girls are laughably lagging behind.
But somewhere along the way, the yellow girls overtake the black girls. And the tan girls are the winners. The girl from Ipanema shows up, the song plays, and then she lectures them about moving gracefully before giving them the key to their new home.
The house is, of course, stunning. Fo and Natalie's prize is waiting by the hot tub. It's a basket of designer flip-flops, some of which run $500 per pair. It's a pretty suck prize, if you ask me. But then, I hate flip-flops, so you could make them out of Coach leather and chocolate, and I still wouldn't wear them.
Natalie is unimpressed with Brazil, which earns her some hate from the other girls. She is seriously ungrateful. Aminat notes that her arrogance seems to be growing daily. Natalie bitches that they don't have a pool or a view of the ocean. Boo-fucking-hoo.
Tyra Mail! "Fight or flight? You better give me both." Are they going to be on wires again?
Aminat says, "I want this more than a fat kid wants cake." HA!
The girls are taken to a streetcorner where some people are doing capoeria, a Brazilian martial art. Hee! Master Eddy Murphy! He teaches them some basic moves and pairs them up to make fools of themselves in public. Natalie may be even more uncoordinated than I am. How sad.
Celia and Aminat put on a pretty good show, due in part to the drama that already exists between them regarding Tahlia. Jeez, I almost had forgotten her name. She's gone! Can we forget the Tahlia drama, please? And then Celia does a roundhouse kick and connects with Aminat's face.
Celia interviews, "It was completely on accident, but... tee-hee! That's for calling me disgusting."
Aminat interviews, "Obviously, Celia kicked me in the face on accident. But there's no second time. That's when you get your legs broken."
Oh, it is ON!
Eddy Murphy takes them to get uniforms and then pairs up Celia and Aminat for another fight. But before they can bloody each other, The Js show up and ruin everything with their blah-blah-ing about the photoshoot, in which they will have to use what they've learned about capoeria.
There's a challenge, and the winner gets to take 50 frames away from another girl. Teyona sucks, but the next four girls do really well, especially Fo. Then there's poor, awkward Natalie. Celia sums it up when she says, "She just feels like she has to be hot while doing everything. She doesn't quite go all out, and she ends up looking... silly."
Judging from The Js! Yay! Let the bitchiness ensue! Teyona forgo there was a camera there. Allison got it. Celia kept blocking her own face. Fo's body was great, but her face was "a big question mark." Natalie looked like a can-can dancer. Aminat moved her body well but her face was awful.
Fo wins! Huh. I thought it would've been Allison, who gave good body and face. Clearly the fix is in because The Js want to see if Fo disses Teyona right back by taking her frames away. And she does! HA! Hell hath no fury -- never forget it! Oh yeah. It's every bitch for herself now.
Tyra Mail! "Tomorrow you will enjoy the fruits of your labor." Celia says, "A photoshoot with men feeding us grapes, yea?" I hope they're dressed up like the Fruit of the Loom guys.
Oh, and here we go between Teyona and Fo. Teyona's like, "I'm honored that you chose me to get frames taken away because that means you know I'm competition. But if it was me? I wouldn't have shot your ass down."
And Fo's all pouty, "You shot my ass down last challenge."
Teyona says, "So that's why you did it? If you're still mad, you should've told me last week."
Fo says, "It's over. So what." And then there's boring back-and-forth in half sentences that basically boils down to -- they are not BFFs anymore.
The girls meet Jay at a pavello, which is "a neighborhood originally built by the poor." Jay asks if they know who Carmen Miranda is and reference Chiquita Banana, whom Teyona thinks is "Chica Banana." *sigh*
The girls will be dressed as Miss Miranda and must embody the sex appeal that she made so famous. And Natalie is like, "Finally, something I'm good at!" I am so tired of her.
Sutan the make-up guy tells the girls that Carmen Miranda was one of the highest paid entertainers of her day, which is something, considering she was both female and Latina. Allison asks if she died a normal death. Appropos of absolutely nothing, except her morbid fascination with blood.
The crew goes to some ghetto street to shoot the photos, and I can't shake the feeling that they're somehow exploiting these poor people by using them as props.
Anyhoo, Aminat and Teyona talk smack about Fo behind her back, except that it's more just to the right of her and totally within hearing range. Fo is all, "Screw you, bitches." This is totally going to mess with Fo's shoot today.
Celia is good in her shoot, but not great. Allison comes alive and finally was something other than a woodland creature. Natalie does her whole shoot sitting down, and the photographer loves it, but it looks like all the same pose to me.
Aminat shuts herself off when she comes to set. Teyona does really well since learning how to smile without looking like a denture cream ad. Fo is "Carmen Miranda on crack as a drag queen," according to Jay. In short, not good. She definitely needed the extra frames.
Tyra Mail! Judging! Holy bananas, "America's Next Top Model" is in over 120 countries, according to Tyra. Day-um. So they all look at the girls' photos.
Aminat looks good but not great. She needs to take more chances with her posing. Tyra calls it "101 Black Girl Model Pose. Holla!"
Paulina: Aminat, you are beautiful. And you are boring.
Aminat: I'm not boring!
Paulina: Well, not as a person -- as a model.
Boy Aminat is really taking it on the chin today. I hope she doesn't go home. She's still my fav.
Nigel says of Natalie's photo, "I don't think it's particularly extraordinary. We've seen this sexy, sultry look on your face the whole time."
All the judges pile on the Natalie Is Lame Express, and then Natalie makes the fatal mistake of argueing with them. She tells them that she was getting great feedback from Jay, so essentially, it's Jay's fault that her photo sucks. Can we get Jay in here to defend himself, please? I wanna see he and Natalie throw down!
She continues that Jay told her to do the same exact thing for 50 frames, and the judges are SO not buying it. There's lots of cocked eyebrows and scrunched mouths. The Queen is not amused!
[By the way, there is no picture of Natalie in her Brazilian garb on the CW website. Weird.]
Celia is lacking spark.
In contrast, the judges lap up Allison's little puddle of cuteness like a fat kid eating cake.
The judges call Fo on looking too much like Carmen Miranda in her photo and not making it her own.
Teyona looks like an editorial version of Carmen Miranda and very at-home in her surroundings.
Deliberations!
Natalie hasn't "pushed the envelope" at all. Her entire body of work is boring, boring, boring. By comparison, Allison has kicked it up a notch.
Fo is more of an actress than a model. Aminat is everything a model should be, except that she can't model.
Tyra says of Celia, "She's 25," [gasp of horror from Paulina] "But in her close-ups, she looks my age." Hee! See? I told you, Tyra!
Teyona "took a nice picture for a change," says Miss Jay.
Allison gets her photo first, which means she's the judges' favorite and gets to be digital art in the house. Next is Teyona, Fo and Gramma Celia, leaving Aminat and Natalie in the Bottem Two.
Natalie is wow-beautiful but uninspiring. Aminat has the best body, but her fierceness is stuck up in her head. Luckily, Tyra thinks she can bring it out of Aminat's head, so she stays. YAY! Natalie can go home and resume ordering the servants around!
Natalie gives Tyra a begruding hug, and you can see the loathing in her face. She gives each of the girls a quick, one-armed hug, and... is that a knife she's holding in her other hand?
Next episode: go-sees and a bikini-clad photoshoot with Nigel.
And you guys? I think I'm a week behind on the episodes, but I've stopped watching them on t.v., and the CW doesn't update their site often enough!
Posted at 09:46 AM | Comments (1)May 01, 2009
I Passed!
IMing with Heather about various and random stuff...
PW: warning: racism ahead
PW: okay, now that I'm back from the *multi-racial feminist conference...
PW: all the black women in the building are making it a point to talk to me
PW: I guess word got around that I passed the test or something
H: the "is she lacist" test?
PW: apparently
PW: and apparently, I'm not
H: incredible.
PW: or at least no more than anyone else there
PW: who knew?
H: are you exchanging manicure tips?
PW: talking about hooker shoes!
PW: I'm IN!
H: aw. now you get to say "some of my best friends are black!"
PW: sweeeeeeet!
PW: I can add that to my repetoire of "some of my best friends are gay"
PW: and "some of my best friends are evil, soulless bastards"
H: kind of awesome that I am all three.
PW: you're the trifecta of P.C. awesomeness
PW: which is kind of an ironic twist
PW: and basically makes you the funniest, best dresser in the universe
H: in hooker shoes
* You guys, I cannot BELIEVE that I never blogged about the multi-cultural feminist theological event that I went to! (And by "went to," I mean "sat out in the hall playing with my fellow support person's iPhone while, inside the conference hall, over-educated people gave speeches that were way over my head." So much material! How did I miss that?! I have failed you.