May 11, 2009
"The Girl Who Is An Autumn Chicken"
Previously on "America's Next Top Model," I was strangely aroused at the sight of Nigel fondling a fat man's hairy breasts.
Four girls remain -- Allison, Celia, Teyona and Aminat -- and Teyona's all pumped about getting her photo first last week. Celia talks about having to prove her (alleged) awesomeness, while Aminat confesses that she's not excited about having to spend another week with Celia. Neither are we, honey.
Allison, however, is glad that her buddy got to stay, while Teyona and Aminat sing their own praises in the hot tub.
Tyra Mail! ...uh, I can't spell or pronounce this one. Sounds like some kind of bird or nursery rhyme.
Oh. Dance hall. Got it. There are hot, sexy Brazilians dancing, and Paulina is there to tell the girls that they are learning the Samba. Oh, this aughtta be good. Allison is already sweating the "poise and coordination" that it's going to require.
The girls learn some steps, then butcher them with a partner while trying to keep their faces model-y. Celia does the steps well but has no passion. Paulina tells her that she is "at an age that is way old for modeling, and desparation is not sexy." HA!
Aminat impresses Paulina by really taking to the dance. Allison is terrified. Teyona has two left feet. If it were a challenge, it would go to Aminat. Paulina not-so-subtely hints that they should work on their steps at home.
Tyra Mail! "Whatever you do, don't look down." Hmm. That doesn't bode well. The girls assume it's a dancing challenge and start practicing. Aminat is practicing in leopard-print heels and striped sox, reminding me of my favorite street-urchin-whore, Heather. Shout-out! Word.
The girls arrive on a rooftop where Paulina is dancing with a black guy in a white suit. He throws her in the air, and, before the camera cuts away, we are treated to a view of just how large her thighs have gotten since her retirement from modeling. Don't piss off the writers, Paulina! They will get you!
Oooh. Eduardo is hot. The advice Paulina gives the girls is basically, "Fake it 'til you make it." Which is kind of my motto in life -- in life, not in bed -- so I have to respect that. The winner of the challenge will pick a friend to share Zara Vartanian jewelry with, over $7,000 worth. Sparkly!
The girls put on their outfits and dance with Eduardo. Allison looks like the flower girl dancing with the groom at a wedding. Celia wrote RELAX on her wrist. Frankie says so! Aminat is "rogue-ish," and Celia concedes defeat before it's over. Teyona -- not good.
Paulina calls Allison "pathetic," Celia "impeccable," Aminat "effective," and Teyona, well, it just "wasn't her moment." Paulina stupidly picks Celia to win, and Aminat's face falls. She and everyone else thought she was a shoe-in. FIX!
Celia picks Allison to share the jewelry with, and Paulina is all, "Really?" She makes a face, and I think Paulina and I are both thinking the same thing -- the runner-up should have been the one to share in the $7,000 prize, not the suckiest dancer there.
The yellow-haired girls show up at the Zara Vartanian store, where a scruffy, dirty, underdressed man meets them. Seriously, is that how you dress when you work in a jewelry store? Celia chooses a pair of onyx earrings; and Allison, a turquoise pendant necklace. Wait. That's it? Those diamond-less baubles are worth $7,000?! That's retarded!
Tyra Mail! "At some point, the mama bird needs to push her babies out of the nest."
At 6:40 a.m., Sutan and Christian jump in bed with the sleeping girls. Allison is alarmed. Don't worry, honey, they only want to braid your hair. There's some serious ratting going on, and then everyone hustles out the door, half-finished.
They drive for two hours, after which Aminat says, "We are seriously in the jungle. It's not like jungle-for-t.v." Heather, we have to invite her to our next sleepover. There a smoking car obstructing the road, and if the girls don't know it's a set-up, then... I don't even know. Their first clue is that Sutan actually wants to sully himself by helping the poor stranded people.
The stranded person is Tyra, and she's photographing them today. She's carrying a wrench for probably the first time ever. Oh, it's a chocolate wrench, which she unwraps and eats!
Not really.
They meet up with Jay, who points out that there are 2.5 million species of insects where they are, but the girls aren't going to be insects -- they're going to be birds.
Allison is wearing a black feather bra. Cool. And she's the least nervous that she's ever been on set. Then she has a total fan girl moment and tells Tyra that "you're really pretty." Hee!
Aminat's body movements in the nest are fantastic, but Tyra and Jay decide that the secret to making her face more alive is "wiggling her ears." I cannot make this stuff up, people. When they're done, Jay goes, "Have fun combing out your hair!" He's such a bitch.
Celia feels relaxed and natural at the shoot... because looking like a bird with ten pounds of teased hair is what she does every Tuesday. Apparently.
Teyona has everything working against her -- loosing the light, overpowering clothes, awkward location. And yet... Tyra and Jay both give her thumbs up!
Tyra Mail! Judging!
The girls speculate, but no one is willing to guess who will go home because they honestly have no clue. And for once, neither do I. But I hope it's Celia, Mr. Burns' love child!
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Looks like the girls got to keep their Samba dresses.
Allison is up first, and her photo is "stunning!" Tyra even uses the words "proud" and "impressed," and you know those aren't words that Mama throws around easily! The other girls look nervous.
Teyona looks "absolutely glorious," according to Paulina, but the rest of the judges don't agree. They think it's great but not her best. Egg on Paulina's face! And who put Teyona in granny panties?
Celia's photo has "major strength," even though she has her arm pit straight to camera. She looks cross-eyed to me. Miss J declares that she is "no spring chicken."
There are mixed reviews about Aminat's photo, but Tyra likes that she learned from the direction that she and Jay gave her and started using the muscles in her face. Mama Ty-Ty loves a learner!
Deliberations! With only four girls left, it's time to start nit-picking.
Allison is using her softness to stand apart from the group of strong girls. Plus, she has the look of eternal youth going for her. Teyona is excellent in photographs but not good at selling herself. The judges are of two minds about Celia, except for Miss J, who just can't get past her age. Aminat has drive and THEE Body, but the light doesn't hit her face in a way that is photogenic.
Allison is the first called for her photo, followed by Teyona, leaving Geezer and Wenchie's Pick in the Bottom Two. The tension gets to Teyona, who starts crying out of relief.
Tyra enjoyed shooting both Celia and Aminat, but they both have strength only from the neck down. Aminat stays! She's has a little emo moment of her own before hugging Celia. Allison looks devastated. She clearly feels very alone now that Celia is leaving, but I think Teyona and Aminat will be nice to her.
Celia leaves with no tears, feeling special that Tyra Banks saw something in her. And wearing some weird gorilla vest.
Next episode: FINALE!!! Three girls make a commercial, two girls strut down a runway, and one girl begins her fifteen minutes of fame.
Comments
The jewelry prize was a TOTAL rip off. Did you see the stuff showcased in the wall? Then he brings out some bland crap I can buy from any street vendor. Lame.
I really like Allison. When she told Tyra 'I think you're pretty' that was AWESOME. So awkward and I love me a good dork. Sadly, there's no way in hell she'll win with her walk.
Posted by: Hope at May 11, 2009 08:50 AM