May 15, 2009
"The Girl Who Is America's Next Top Sperm Receptacle"
Previously on "America's Next Top Model," Tyra pushed the ugly duckling outta the nest, leaving three girls to cut each others' throats for a dubious honor that time has proved will not launch anyone's career.
I'm gonna go on record right here. I can't believe Tyra let Allison get this far. Aminat is the one I wanna hang with. But I think Teyona is walking away with the prize.
Tyra Mail! "Be on point tomorrow or you can kiss this competition good-bye." And they have scripts. No surprise there. Aminat is aware that she's "the underdog." Teyona is excited, and Allison is so scared that her eyes are bugging out. Oh, wait...
The winner with get today's photograph as part of a national Cover Girl campaign. McKey is there to describe the lip stain. She's still an awkward turtle.
Aminat's commercial isn't bad. She knows her lines, but she forgets to smile with her eyes. Oh, Jeebus, "smile with your eyes" is now part of my regular vocabulary. Her photo is really good, too. She's not screwing up, but she's not wow-ing anyone, either. She's drama-less.
Allison knows the script but completely blanks on the delivery. Luckily, take two is much better. The photographer says she has "a Betty Page type of look."
Teyona flubs her words over and over. She confesses to having made up a song to learn them. Jay tells her to do the song, but halfway through, she messes up again and starts crying. Mayhaps I spoke too soon? She eventually pulls it off, and Jay tells her to leave it behind when she takes her photo.
Tyra Mail! Judging! The two finalists will be walking in a Rosa Cha fashion show. The compilation commercial is actually one of the least-sucky I've seen in thirteen seasons.
They watch Teyona's horrible, horrible take, and she cries again. It's so pitiful that even Paulina feels bad for her. However, her photo is the "epitomy of smiling with your eyes!"
Allison's take is... "almost there." her photo is really good, and Tyra confesses that she sees a commercial model in her, as well as an editorial model, "and I never thought that."
The judges really like Aminat's take because "that's how real people talk." Yet her film is just the opposite.
Deliberations! And they kinda skip right over that and call the girls back in. First called is -- Allison! Bet she didn't see that coming! Aminat and Teyona come forward. Tyra lists the pros and cons of each girl and eventually gives Teyona her photo. Aminat has to go home and master her face.
Ann Shoket, Seventeen editor, is at the shoot that will eventually become a six-page spread in said magazine. Allison is adorable. Teyona is her usual awesome self. Ann says she's never seen such a tight race. I think Allison looks seventeen and Teyona looks twenty-seven.
The girls arrive at some... orchestra house/music school for the fashion show. Jay wants to see "sex appeal stompin' it out." The girls get dressed up like Vegas show girls, in swimwear. Hey, did you know that there's such a thing as "the Brazilian stomp?" Yeah, me neither. But Tyra said it, so it must be true!
STOMP IT TO THE DEATH!
There's drums and dancers in white. McKey comes out in black wings and feather train and actually walks kinda like poopie. Oh dear God, what is Miss J wearing? That guy just can't get enough attention.
Teyona walks really well. And sadly, I feel completely qualified to make that call. Allison, not so good. Then the girls are shoved in an elevator or something, and they have to samba down the runway in a group. Jeebus, Miss J, sit your ass down for 30 seconds! It's not about you! Did Tyra forget to give him his meds this morning?
For the finale, the girls are smeared head-to-toe with black grease. Ew. It doesn't really show up on Teyona. All the models, male and female, crawl and slide down the runway, and just generally engage in very Caligula-esque activities. If any of them had boobs, I suppose it would be sexy.
Teyona's hairpiece comes off, so she uses it as a prop and twirls it around. I'm pretty sure those bathing suits are ruined. They all end up spent, in a heap, lying like corpses on the runway.
Backstage, Tyra tells the girls, "You both did so good!" WELL, Tyra. They both did so WELL. Critiques!
The judges all confess shock and awe that Allison was as together and fabulous as she was on the runway. She really turned it out. Teyona did well as long as she walked with her hands on her hips. Holy crap, you guys. Is Allison gonna walk away with this competition? I didn't think she'd get past week three!
Then they move on to body-of-work. Their critiques are really neck-in-neck. They've both been consistently good-to-excellent.
Deliberations!
Runway: Allison gave more than expected; Teyona gave less. Teyona has the best walk; Allison has the most improved walk. Photos: Allison has traveled further. Teyona photographs really, really well and has an honesty about her.
Decision!
As Tyra gives her speech and draws out the suspense, Allison stares at the ground while Teyona searches the faces of the judges. And just when I think Allison is going to come from behind and overtake the hare, it turns out I was right with my first instinct -- Teyona wins it!
I think what tipped it in for Teyona is that she wanted it just a bit more than Allison did. Allison loses gracefully and without tears. She'll have a modeling career regardless. In fact, she may even pull an Aiken and surpass the winner.
Teyona goes off for her photoshoot with Nigel and Tyra. I'll be looking forward to her "My Life as a Cover Girl" commercials next season, see if she can keep her shit together.
Comments
I had to wait and watch the finale until last night. I had cake and beer - it seemed to fit.
I LOVE Allison, I know I'm in the minority but god help me I fall for the awkward dork every time. I was in mortal fear of her falling during the stomping session but she actually looked like she possibly had a clue and she danced with Mrs. Roper in her moo-moo which was quite adorable.
I thought Allison may pull out a win as well, but I wasn't surprised Teyona won and I really liked Aminat as well - it's the first time in years I thought the stop three were really strong.
Can I just say they rarely show McKee talking on camera because she SUCKS at it? Totally agree with you on her walk, I thought it was better than that last season.
There is an ANTM Boot Camp in Madison scheduled. I kind of want to show up and see what they'd do with a REAL plus sized woman.
Posted by: Hope at May 15, 2009 09:16 AM