August 18, 2009

My Half-Decade Anniversary

HAPPY FIVE YEAR ANNIVERSARY TO ME!

Five years ago today, I launched my blogging career with this, my maiden post. Since then, I have found great friends, stretched my writing capabilities, and even signed some autographs. Okay, one. But, hey, at least it wasn't for my Mom!

Five years... *sigh* Why the hell aren't I famous, yet?!

As some of you know very, very well, there have been some rough times in the past five years, and I have become even more embittered. I like to think it's part of my charm. So it's no surprise that I have some thoughts about the sunshiney attitude with which I inaugurated a blog which has since celebrated all things vagina-y, fucked-up, and hate-filled.

1. You don't have to be hungry to eat ice cream.
But you do have to be alive in order to eat it. So don't eat it every day. Have a salad once in a while. It'll suck, but you'll thank me later.

2. If something needs to be done, just shut up and do it.
Seriously, people, martyrdom creates so much more drama than necessary. If someone asks you something, and you say Yes but then spend the next several days ragging about it, do us all a favor and shoot yourself in the head. You know who was a martyr? Peter. So unless your hanging upsidedown with nails in your extremities, don't come bitching to me.

3. Always say “please” and “thank you.”
Even if it's someone you know really, really well and with whom you have a really, really casual relationship, like your parents or your spouse. Manners tell people that you are educated and worth not shooting in the head.

4. Tip generously.
If you can't afford to be generous, stay home and make yourself a PB&J.

5. If it's cold and rainy out, nap.
I really can't stress this enough.

6. It's okay to be geeky, nerdy and/or uncool.
I'm pretty sure that nerd is the new cool. In fact, it might have been the new cool for so long now that it's already passe. But I don't think it's retro, yet, so yeah, put those comic books back in the basement and hang your head in shame like a good, little nerd. I'll let you know when it's okay to come back out.

7. You don't have to answer the phone.
Your cell phone is for YOUR convenience, not everyone else's. That's why it has an Off button.

8. Smile at people.
Especially if you're insulting them or giving them total shit. It makes them think you're flirting, and you can get away with being an absolute jackass.

9. Use your turn signal.
I don't care where you are or how much traffic there is or what any of your external or internal influences are -- USE YOUR FUCKING TURN SIGNAL. ALWAYS.

10. Be the only one laughing.
I often am. Usually at completely inappropriate times in a movie. That's why I go on Tuesdays. Yup, that was me.

Thank you all for reading. It means more to me than you know. Thank you all for commenting -- we're nearing 2000 total! Thank you, internet, for making it possible to write for people despite not having a publisher... or talent.

Thank you SOOOOOOOO MUCH to Heather -- my Muse, my Designer, my Fan Club, and The Wind Beneath My Wings. Without her, you'd all still be reading Dooce.

You may now commence leaving me congratulatory comments and sending emails full of gushing love -- or hatred, whatever -- to piratewenchdotorg@yahoo.com.

Posted on August 18, 2009 03:02 PM

Comments

Posted by: heather at August 18, 2009 03:06 PM

Posted by: THEASSMAN at August 18, 2009 04:00 PM

Posted by: Billi at August 19, 2009 09:00 AM

Posted by: Snippy Bitch at August 19, 2009 08:27 PM

Posted by: Mommie Dearest at August 21, 2009 09:37 AM

Posted by: Homidus Corax Celticus at August 24, 2009 03:50 PM

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