September 16, 2009

The Finns are Jackholes, Too

I know that people in other countries, especially Europe, like to get down on Americans as being, well, assholes. But I'd like to present Exhibit A in the case of Americans Don't Own All the Asshattery In the World.

Part of my job description includes Resources, meaning that people ask for things, which I send to them.

I got the following email from a guy in Finland (names and religions have been changed to protect the pious):

Hello,

I'm a Finnish post-doctoral scholar in Ecumenics. I'd like to order the following research materials (one copy of each item) for my study of which topic is the full communion relationships of the HCWWF (Huge Church Wenchie Works For):

Beckoned to Mutual Work: A Heatheran Proposal for a Revision of the Document of Agreement

Commentary on "Beckoned to Mutual Work"

Interim Eucharistic Sharing Agreement (1982)

The Document of Agreement (the text and background for the first full-communion proposal that was not accepted); NOTE: this should be available online but it is not, so I ask you to send me a paper copy of the document.

Wenchacy (Heatheran-Piratist Dialogue II): Report of the second Heatheran-Piratist dialogue

Wenchacy: A Heatheran-Piratist Common Statement to the Church

The Church: Neighborhood of Awesomeness (the final report of the joint commission between the Heatheran World Organization and World Piratist Group)

Please, send the materials to the following mailing address:
Jack Hole McFinn
Tallest Iceberg on the Left
12345 Llama-Impala
FINLAND

I'm very grateful if I could get the materials as soon as possible. I'm ready to pay whatever they may cost (also the postage). Please, inform me how I could pay the order (do you send me a bill with the order or what is the paying method?).

Yours sincerely,
Dr. J. H. McFinn

Here is the first draft of my response:

Dear Jack,

It took me less than a minute to Google the first three items. I was going to provide you links for them here, but then I remembered -- I'm not your bitch. You're a doctor; I'm sure you can find them on your own with a teensy bit of effort.

Regarding your fourth item, The Document of Agreement: Who the hell are you to decide, for the entire internet, what should be online and what should not? The internet was not designed for your personal convenience. The Document of Agreement is actually 262 pages, and goes for $110 American. (I don't know what that is in Finnish beads or fox pelts or whatever you use there.)

I suppose you think that ALL books should just be available for free download on the internet, at least for YOU. Why should authors make any money off their hard work and talent? Whould should publishers, at the very least, be reimbursed for time and materials? That's just greedy!

I don't have a stack of free copies of 262-page, $110 books under my desk to distribute like candy on Halloween. Go Google the book, Jack. And you can purchase it, just like us non-doctoral slobs have to do.

As for the last three documents you request, they are small, and I do have copies in our library, which I will send you. Then again, we don't have many copies of the last one, so I'm going to scan it and attach it to this email, which is still more than you deserve.

And you can bet, although the ones I'm mailing you are only $4, there will be a sizable Arrogant Prick Fee, in addition to shipping costs. Enclosed will be an invoice. It's your damn job to figure out how to convert animal pelts to American dollars.

God's peace,

Wenchie

P.S. I don't believe for a second that you're actually going to read all these.

Still debating whether to send it via airmail or ground...

Posted on September 16, 2009 11:41 AM

Comments

Posted by: heather at September 16, 2009 11:55 AM

Posted by: Snippy Bitch at September 16, 2009 06:49 PM

Posted by: JB at September 19, 2009 06:37 PM

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