November 09, 2009
The Culmination of All That Is Good In the World: Part I
Once upon a time, Princess Barbie dreamed of a new dress. A dress made of sugar and rainbows and the birthday wishes of little girls.
So Barbie swept into the kitchen, buck nekked, and called, "Wench! Bake me a new gown!"
Now the royal baking wench was no dummy, so she got out her finest chocolate cake recipe, which called for pudding mix, sour cream, and spun unicorn hair. And to make sure that the gown was full enough, she made two batches of batter, for two round pans and one ceramic mixing bowl.
Princess Barbie was quite pleased that the mixing bowl was the perfect shape for her gown.
But Princess Barbie was a big girl now and didn't want a pink cake. So she instructed the royal baking wench to use cool colors. Cool as in from-the-blue-end-of-the-color-spectrum, not cool as in totally-rad.
[Did you know that you don't even have to mix yellow and blue to make green? They sell green food coloring in the same pack as the blue, red and yellow, as if it were a primary color. I'm not sure how I feel about this as, aside from being inaccurate, it also leads to the red food coloring running out waaaaay before the rest of the little bottles in the pack.]
The royal baking wench had to use a lot of frosting between the layers, in order to keep the top-heavy cake from toppling over. Once assembled, Barbie jumped right into the middle, taking the top-heaviness to new heights.
As the baking wench frosted the cake, Barbie kept sticking her fingers in the bowl and licking them off.
"I can eat whatever I want and never gain weight!" she giggled.
Fuckin' Barbie.
Now, here's the super-easy fondant recipe, since I know y'all are gonna ask, and I'm suddenly a cooking blog, apparently.
1 cup clear corn syrup1 cup white shortening
1 tsp. clear vanilla
2 lbs. powdered sugar
You mix the first three ingredients together, and then sift in the powdered sugar so you don't have any lumps. Needless to say, I didn't bother trying to find clear vanilla, and it didn't make one scrap of difference in the color of the fondant. Also, if you're halfing the recipe, one lb. of powdered sugar is about four cups unsifted. So now you know.
"But Wenchie," you say. "That's not real fondant."
And you are correct. Because the recipes for real fondant called for crap like glycerin and unflavored gelatin. And who wants to invite that kind of hassle into their life? Not even for Barbie, people. Not even for Barbie.
Anyhoo, the faux-dant (if you will) got kind of slimey, so the baking wench took off her wedding rings and mixed it with her hands. Ew. I think I still have Crisco under my nails. That stuff just does NOT wash off. On the plus side, the thin layer of goo did help keep my hands from turning blue. (There's one of those sentences that's surreal even in context.)
Barbie wanted the blue of the dress to match her eyes, the demanding bitch.
Tune in later this week for the completion of Barbie's cake gown!
Comments
Boy-Child is just about wet his pants looking at these pictures.
Posted by: Billi at November 16, 2009 06:41 PM