February 25, 2010

Latter, Dude

This has been The Week Of Bizarre Questions at work. We really need to take our phone number off our website. Often, I just cluck my tongue and forward them on to the person least unqualified to deal with it.

Wednesday afternoon's email, however, deserved some special attention. Lucky for Billi, she happened to be on I.M. at the time.

PW: dude, you will love this.
PW: we have an "info" email where people can direct general Jeebus-related questions.
PW: this one got forwarded to my dept.
PW: "My favorite nephew has married a lady who is of the Latter Day Saints. If she is still a member of LDS when she dies, would she still go to heaven to be with God and nephew?"

B: OMG

PW: isn't that hilarious?

B: That's insane.

PW: welcome to my job.

[For those of you stalking me and trying to figure out where I work, you may assume that I do not work for the Latter Day Saints. Not that I wouldn't -- they just haven't made the right offer, yet.]

B: Just write back and say, "no, she's going to hell."

PW: actually, I'm tempted to say, "She's going to heaven. YOU're the one going to hell for questioning it, bitch!"

B: Ha! She'll go to pergatory, because she's too stupid to follow the light!

Posted at 06:23 AM | Comments (1)

February 22, 2010

The What-If? Plans

For Valentine's Day, Husband bought us a 46" LCD t.v. It is lovely. As soon as we got it hooked up, we watched "Gladiator" and then "300." Because we are, apparently, two gay men trapped in the bodies of a hetero married couple.

We watch a lot of t.v. together, Husband and I. Lots of complete t.v. shows on DVD. Netflix is our best friend. And we love watching stuff together because it brings up interesting topics to discuss, so that I don't have to hear him talk about work. (And let's face it, he can just read my blog if he wants to hear about my work.)

We have many What If discussion. Well, they're not so much "discussions" as they are me giving him instructions, i.e. What To Do If We Are Captured And Forced To Fight To The Death; What To Do If The Persian Army Invades Our Home; What To Do With My Remains When I Die. (We are currently just finishing up season four of "Six Feet Under.")

I want to be cremated and scattered somewhere pretty. And I'm pretty sure that he was paying attention for that one, but most of the time, he just nods humors the crazy lady. But mark my words -- SOME DAY, he will be scrambling around thinking, "What was it that she told me to do if The Rapture came?!" And he will WISH that he had paid closer attention to me!

Here are some real-life situations that I have given Husband explicit directions on:

What If The Revolution Starts?

What revolution? ANY revolution! It could happen! This place is a tinderbox! If we were Rome, we would just be wrapping things up right about now, so be looking for men with guns to come knocking on your door, inquiring as to which side you're on. [Hint: you're on their side.]

The plan is to meet at J and Egrau's house because, not only do they have enough guns and ammo to keep everone at bay, they have enough to WIN the whole damn thing. If there is time, I will grab all our food and the dogs. If not, war is hell. I'm sure the dogs and I will have some miraculous reunion when the dust settles. In slo-mo. With violins.

In the meantime, I will be a sniper because I have pretty good aim and enjoy sitting still for long periods of time.

What If We Win The Lottery?

We will give money away. HOWEVER. We will give it anonymously because I don't want my ungrateful, selfish friends (I'm looking at you, Heather) to come around expecting more, so that we end up friendless, bitter and alone, crying on Oprah about how money ruined our lives. Money is too awesome for that to happen! I will not let money get a bad rap because of my poor planning!

What If We Have Only Days/Hours Until Earth Is Destroyed?

Husband is to get onto an escape spaceship any way he can. I, however, will stay behind. I am not living on a fucking spaceship. I would rather get blown up. All Husband has to do is forgive me, from the bottom of his heart, when I have hot, anonymous, end-of-the-world sex with random strangers before we die.

What If I Have Some Supernatural Experience And No One Believes Me

Aside from plummeting to my death, this is probably my worst fear.

Plan A: I made Husband swear on a Bible that he will believe anything I tell him and NOT have me locked up.

Plan B: When Husband tries to have me locked up (and he will!), I will flee and go tell my cousin Ramone because Ramone will believe me!

What If I'm Turned Into a Vampire?

This really depends upon what kind of vampire I'm turned into. If I'm just mindless walking dead, feeding on my family -- you know, like a REAL vampire -- then he should kill me. But if I'm, like, Louis-a-la-Anne-Rice, eating rats and evil-doers, then he should just let me go.

And he's all, "How will I know the difference?" Because he likes to bait me.

And I said, "If I'm trying to EAT YOU, kill me. If I still care how my hair looks, we're cool."

Idiot.

Posted at 08:05 AM | Comments (3)

February 12, 2010

The Dream

I have a friend who has a boyfriend. A boyfriend who dreams. And shares those dreams with her. In writing.

Stupid boy.

Luckily, he barely knows who I am, let alone my secret identity, so it's safe to share it here with all of you.

Enjoy.

So last night I dreamt that I was at Bristol Ren Fair, with my family, and I got really tired of waiting around with them to do something, so I wandered off into a shop that was in the center of the fair that looked like an old farm house. I went inside and it was kind of like a sterotypical movie like Moroccan street market. I was wandering round through it and I ran into you and your mom and dad and sister.

No, English is not his second language. But I believe Runonsentence is his first language.

You were wearing a costume, but it was kind of weird...blousy pants and boots, and then a blousy top with a half-corset sort of thing on the outside. The top was very gauzy, and I could see all of your nubbly bits. Which was really cool.

Nubbly bits?

But you were annoyed at me, because I was wearing my video camera hat and was threatening to post video of you onto YouTube as soon as I got back.

Oh, irony.

So we all went walking as a group, and we suddenly were in another part of the field, and there were all of these mini-tornados all around us. You could walk through them, and they would kind of break up and fall apart, and it tickled. So we did this for a while, until I spotted this GIANT tornado heading right for us.

I think this part is a premonition that his ridiculous dream will get posted on the internet, and he won't be able to escape the embarassment.

We started to run, but the tornado kept chasing us, so finally I grabbed your hand and dragged you under a building and then the tornado whipped through the building and ripped it off of us, but I was holding onto you and some floor joists to keep us from going up into the tornado, but unfortunately it did rip your shirt off,...

Oh, of course it did. How unfortunate.

...so you were topless and that was really cool because to hold onto you and the floor joists I had to bury my face in your chest, but you were all annoyed that your shirt got ripped off, but somehow my hat video camera stayed on my head, and that didn't make any sense, and I agreed, and thats when I woke up.

Woke up and decided it would be a really good idea to commit this to email and send it along.

You know, if it wasn't for most people in the world being completely out of their minds, I wouldn't even have a blog.

Thank you, people! You make it almost worthwhile to have to put up with you when I'm not blogging!

Posted at 07:46 AM | Comments (0)

February 08, 2010

What I Got for Christmas

Christmas was pretty sparse this year -- by necessity and choice -- as I'm sure it was for a lot of you. Of course, we bought gifts for my step daughters and niece and nephews. We're not monsters, for God's sake. And Husband and I bought each other stocking stuffers.

But I made a pact with everyone else I know -- "Don't get me anything, and I won't get you anything." Everyone was very agreeable. Which means that what I did get remains that much clearer in my memory.

And I can't believe I haven't showed you guys this stuff, yet. Look what Husband got me!

Yay! Girlie pirate gigabytes! Awesome.

But this is what really floored me.

Naughty nurse outfit! Can you believe that?! Something about this purchase makes me think that he secretly wants to play Barbies, too...

"Ready for your spongebath, Mr. Wenchie?"

And then THIS!

How did Husband know that Barbie Basics are, like, all the rage in the Barbie world this season?!

Here's a Top Model Barbie and a Milan Model Barbie doing what they do best -- modeling their new accessories!

Either he's been spending time with Joe behind my back, or he really IS gay from the waist up, as I've always said.

(Yes, I know there's a third possibility, but I shall just ignore the obvious and remain confident that Husband just knows my Barbie tastes really, really well.)

Posted at 05:47 PM | Comments (0)

February 04, 2010

Lunch Date

Yesterday before lunch, Meg, the office tart, brought a big muffin to PhD Boss' cubicle to "share." And "sharing," apparently, includes eating tiny pieces of muffin, licking her fingers, tossing her hair, and crossing and uncrossing her legs.

The body language was unmistakable, and PhD was riveted. They laughed and whispered like they were on their third date and they both knew that sex was inevitable. See, Meg is currently off-again with her on-again-off-again boyfriend, so she was in need of some male attention.

Finally, they wrapped up their pre-mating ritual, just as I was prepping for my lunch date with Bobbi. A woman. Whom I always call "Bobbi the Girl" when I talk to Husband, so he doesn't think I'm lunching every week with some guy.

PhD: Wenchie, can you come over here for a minute?

PW: Fine. But when my phone rings, I'm outta here. So make it quick.

PhD: You know that meeting on March 4th? Did you reserve a room for that?

Phone: *ring* *ring*

PW: Later. [answers phone] Okay, I'll be right down.

PhD: So what're you doing for lunch? You wanna go get lunch?

PW: ... Noooooooo. I have plans.

PhD: With who?

PW: Bobbi.

PhD: Who's Bobbi?

PW: My boyfriend.

PhD: Oh.

PW: Besides, the way you were eating up Meg, I 'm surprised you're even hungry for lunch.

PhD: [audible intake of breath] Wow.

Uh-huh. That's right. I don't "share" my muffin.

Posted at 08:57 AM | Comments (2)

February 01, 2010

The Giving Never Stops

Your green nail polish is waiting for you, Miss V. Whenever shall I see you again?

It's called "Lime Lights!"

And because Miss V. loves dark humor...

At work, Alpha has been trying to to figure out what gifts Head Boss should bring on his tour of all the important world religious leaders next month. (No, I'm totally serious. Head Boss has met ALL of Jeebus' rock stars. Yes, they let me work with important, holy people. Can you believe it?!)

For the Pope's gift, I suggested, "a nice burning-heretic-scented candle."

And then I remembered that Alpha is Catholic.

D'oh!

Hey, at least I didn't suggest one that smells like a boys' locker room. Because THAT would've been over the edge.

Posted at 06:24 AM | Comments (2)