February 22, 2010
The What-If? Plans
For Valentine's Day, Husband bought us a 46" LCD t.v. It is lovely. As soon as we got it hooked up, we watched "Gladiator" and then "300." Because we are, apparently, two gay men trapped in the bodies of a hetero married couple.
We watch a lot of t.v. together, Husband and I. Lots of complete t.v. shows on DVD. Netflix is our best friend. And we love watching stuff together because it brings up interesting topics to discuss, so that I don't have to hear him talk about work. (And let's face it, he can just read my blog if he wants to hear about my work.)
We have many What If discussion. Well, they're not so much "discussions" as they are me giving him instructions, i.e. What To Do If We Are Captured And Forced To Fight To The Death; What To Do If The Persian Army Invades Our Home; What To Do With My Remains When I Die. (We are currently just finishing up season four of "Six Feet Under.")
I want to be cremated and scattered somewhere pretty. And I'm pretty sure that he was paying attention for that one, but most of the time, he just nods humors the crazy lady. But mark my words -- SOME DAY, he will be scrambling around thinking, "What was it that she told me to do if The Rapture came?!" And he will WISH that he had paid closer attention to me!
Here are some real-life situations that I have given Husband explicit directions on:
What If The Revolution Starts?
What revolution? ANY revolution! It could happen! This place is a tinderbox! If we were Rome, we would just be wrapping things up right about now, so be looking for men with guns to come knocking on your door, inquiring as to which side you're on. [Hint: you're on their side.]
The plan is to meet at J and Egrau's house because, not only do they have enough guns and ammo to keep everone at bay, they have enough to WIN the whole damn thing. If there is time, I will grab all our food and the dogs. If not, war is hell. I'm sure the dogs and I will have some miraculous reunion when the dust settles. In slo-mo. With violins.
In the meantime, I will be a sniper because I have pretty good aim and enjoy sitting still for long periods of time.
What If We Win The Lottery?
We will give money away. HOWEVER. We will give it anonymously because I don't want my ungrateful, selfish friends (I'm looking at you, Heather) to come around expecting more, so that we end up friendless, bitter and alone, crying on Oprah about how money ruined our lives. Money is too awesome for that to happen! I will not let money get a bad rap because of my poor planning!
What If We Have Only Days/Hours Until Earth Is Destroyed?
Husband is to get onto an escape spaceship any way he can. I, however, will stay behind. I am not living on a fucking spaceship. I would rather get blown up. All Husband has to do is forgive me, from the bottom of his heart, when I have hot, anonymous, end-of-the-world sex with random strangers before we die.
What If I Have Some Supernatural Experience And No One Believes Me
Aside from plummeting to my death, this is probably my worst fear.
Plan A: I made Husband swear on a Bible that he will believe anything I tell him and NOT have me locked up.
Plan B: When Husband tries to have me locked up (and he will!), I will flee and go tell my cousin Ramone because Ramone will believe me!
What If I'm Turned Into a Vampire?
This really depends upon what kind of vampire I'm turned into. If I'm just mindless walking dead, feeding on my family -- you know, like a REAL vampire -- then he should kill me. But if I'm, like, Louis-a-la-Anne-Rice, eating rats and evil-doers, then he should just let me go.
And he's all, "How will I know the difference?" Because he likes to bait me.
And I said, "If I'm trying to EAT YOU, kill me. If I still care how my hair looks, we're cool."
Idiot.
Comments
Dude, you're kinda weird.
Posted by: Hope at February 22, 2010 09:45 AM
KINDA???
Posted by: Homidus Corax Celticus at February 23, 2010 02:16 PM
fine choice o' movies fer yer new tv. exactly th' 2 me would have chose. as fer th' revolution...if'n it happens, me be headin' south. ya not freeze to death, th' population be spread thin, an' they all got lotsa guns. if'n th' world be comin' to ends, me be headin' yer way!!! great post, me beauty!
Posted by: Greybeard at February 23, 2010 07:03 PM