May 31, 2010
txts or sumn
I have a friend, Padawan* -- actually, I'm kind of inheriting her. My other friend, JB, is LEAVING ME FOREVER when her hubby gets a call (i.e. goes to be a pastor at a church) in one of the Dakotas (forget which one, don't care, they're both far away). Padawan sits next to JB, and is awesome and smart-as-hell and young and a savvy dresser and instantly makes me cooler by just standing near me.
Anyway, Padawan and I are friends through JB, so when JB CRUELLY ABANDONS US, Padawan and I will no doubt be latching onto each other in our grief. Meanwhile, JB will be in Bumblefuck, Something Dakota, where there are no employment opportunities except Pastor or Forest Ranger, so she'll get to be all unemployed and slacker and lucky. Bitch.
And then in six months, Padawan and I will be all:
"JB who?"
"Remember? She used to wear the sweaters?"
"Ohhhh, right."
AAAAAAAAAAAANYway. Padawan. Me. Friends. And that's how I became privy to this little treasure trove of crazy. Padawan's cell phone number is, apparently, one number off from someone who... well, we'll just let the texts speak for themselves.
Text #1, received on a weekday afternoon:
Come blaze wit a sista. its liz
I'm not entirely certain, but I think the text can be translated as such:
I am inviting you to smoke marijuana with your fellow African American female. This is Elizabeth.
(Yes, I realize that I am racist for assuming that the text sender is black, but I've never heard any Chinese women refer to themselves as "sista," so I'm going with what I know.)
Mind you, Padawan is a responsible young adult and does not know anyone who spends their Tuesday afternoons getting stoned (because she hasn't met my extended family, yet), so she did not reply.
A little while later, she got another text from the same number:
We can sit outside or sumn. its jus me njoe
Apparently, Elizabeth and I have different cell phone providers because I get to use 140 characters in one text, and she only gets 43. Hence the very clever spelling of what I assume is supposed to be "something," and the lack of space between "n" and "joe." Personally, with such restrictions, I would go with an ampersand (&) instead of "n," but to each his own.
Padawan is really a kind-hearted person and did not want Elizabeth and Joseph to think that their stoner friend was ignoring them, or dead from some kind of overdose or a drug deal gone wrong, so she politely texted back:
You have the wrong number.
Now, you'd think that Padawan's use of correct spelling and grammer would be a tip-off that she's not one of their home girls. But she got this text in reply:
o da hell this is tj jim even told me
Hmmmm. Despite the lack of periods, I believe this is three sentences:
Oh, the hell it is the wrong number. You are T.J. Jim even told me that this is your number.
So Padawan tried again:
You have the wrong number. Please stop txting. I get wrong calls for that person often. Tell your friends, too. Thank you.
Well, that must've convinced them because she didn't hear anything strange for a few days.
And then she got this at 5:45 a.m.:
well thanks for leavin me with danny when i dont got any medicine for him to quit burning up really a good mom bitch
Huh. It would appear that Padawan's alter-phone-ego, TJ, is a mother. And a bad one. I would traslate this as:
Well, thank you for going off to smoke pot with your fellow African American females and leaving me with Danny when I don't have any medicine for his fever. You are a very good mother, bitch.
Clearly, this is sarcasm, and the texter does not really think that TJ is a good mother. But how did the texter get stuck with TJ's kid? Are they roommates? Lovers? Is the texter TJ's teenaged offspring, annoyed at being left with a baby?
Now I want to know more about these people! Does Danny get well? How many children does TJ have? Does Joe live with her? If so, in what capacity? I hope Padawan gets more texts.
And I promised her that I'd let her read this post before it goes live, since this is her first appearance on my blog, buuuuuuuuut... I think she'll be fine with it.
* She picked her own name.