August 12, 2010
Dear Jill
Hello, J. Jill... Can I call you Jill? Great.
Now, Jill. I just received your fall catalogue, and I must tell you -- I love you. Steadfast yet modern, flattering yet forgiving, cool-enough-that-Padawan-wants-to-shop-you yet classic. I'm giving you The Ultimate Compliment -- if I had to choose only one place to buy my clothes, you would be it. *mwah*
For example, if I am ever actually hired for my new theorhetical job, I am going to buy this sweater in every color.
Except... Jill, what color is the "fighthr?" Is that eggplant?
I also love your version of Garanimals: The Wherever Collection.
If I ever become so important that I must travel for work, I am investing in two things: huge vat of Xanax, and one of each piece in this collection -- in black.
But, Jill. Dearest. We simply must talk about some of your Favorite Outfits.
Like this one, which I call Over-Accessorized:
This girl is lovely. Why are you trying to make her look dumpy? Please, lose the belt, or the scarf, or the cardigan. She looks like The Girl Child Playing dress-up, and I have to explain to her that she can't wear the boa and the pashmina and the veil.
She's wearing a sweater dress, with a long sweater over it. And then you throw a belt on top of it all!? Scarlett O'Hara doesn't have the waistline to pull off this look! Please, just stop.
Now, this outfit -- which I call Professional Attire Should Never Involve the Word "Crop" -- also employs the soul-crushing belt-over-the-sweater, but that's not my biggest beef with this look:
C'mon, Jill. We all know that capris are the fat girl's answer to shorts, and calling them "crop pants" does not change the fugly. A rose by any other name still chops off your legs mid-calf and makes you look short. I don't care how cute your shoes are -- if you want to show them off, wear a skirt!
Now, granted, perhaps you are wearing kulats because you don't want the hem of your pants to get caught in the bike chain as you peddle to work. But if that's the case, wear some damn skinny jeans.
And so help me God, if I open your winter catalogue and see any fucking jeggings, I will come over there with a baseball bat.
Comments
Wenchie, I totally concur. Quite frankly, it gives me a slight headache to look at the girl with the sweater dress, cardigan, pashmina AND belt. Trying to show off 4 items on one model, are they? Hmm. The "culottes" paired with a long cardigan bother me as well. All in all, very good analysis here on your part. J. Jill would do well to hire you as a consultant. Let's do it for Anthropologie now! All those flowing tops. While I do like them, some can be a bit ...poetic, romance novel.
Posted by: Diane Schmidt at August 12, 2010 08:26 PM
Jeggings must die. Along with anyone skinny enough to wear them. I guess if you live in some third world country where everyone is emaciated they would good on you. But I'm guessing if you could afford jeggings, you would spend your money on food. At least I would - but that probably explains why I would never fit in a pair of jeggings.
Why did they make the dog have an accessory too? He's cute all by himself.
Posted by: Hope at August 13, 2010 09:29 AM
Apparently, "fighthr" is short for "fig heather."
Posted by: Wenchie at August 13, 2010 04:59 PM