August 30, 2010
Inappropriate Vacation Photos
Would you expect anything less?
Happy Monday, my peeps! Here's some barnyard porn because I have absolutely nothing intellegent to say.
Chicken va-jay-jay!
Horse erection!
All the parents were busy being proper and directing their kids' attention away from the ginormous equestrian boner, but I felt compelled to point and laugh. It is what we in the education profession call a "teachable moment."
How else are they going to learn that schlongs are hilarious? Won't someone please think of the children?!
Posted at 06:07 AM | Comments (3)August 26, 2010
And Now I Will Shut-Up for Forty-Six Days
Yeah. Well. Jeebus sent an email on Tuesday to let us all know that Monday, October 11th is The Day the Axe Falls. That's when the entire organization will find out who stays, who goes, and whose life sucks more afterwards.
And since none of you had October 11th in the pool, I'm keeping all the money. So there!
I took the short elevator trip to see Steel and WM yesterday afternoon. If you'll remember, yesterday was the last day of the "within three weeks" that WM was supposed to let me know whether or not the job I'd applied for -- and won -- still existed. But no cigar. They moved my cheese. (Damn. Now I'm kinda wishing I'd read that stupid book.)
I says to WM, I says, "So, I guess I'll be waiting until October 11th, like everyone else."
And WM says, he says, "Yeah, that's how it looks."
Well, at least I'm in good company, with the waiting and such. I guess I can understand it. Besides the fact that departments will be eliminated and people moved around, and nothing will be the way it is now, making it pointless to fill a position that will just have to be changed anyway -- it would probably look pretty damn bad if they hired/promoted someone while everyone else was waiting for their pink slips.
I mean, the position DOES need to be filled, and the temp doing it now just got a call and will be leaving to be a pastor somewhere very soon. But if it will spare me the envy and spitefulness of other support staff in the building, I guess I'm willing to wait another forty-six days.
(In all reality, I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks of me, you know that; I'm just trying to talk myself out of being a neurotic wreck for the next month and a half. Pretend there's a silver lining, Wenchie! And put down that crack pipe!)
So I'm gonna try really hard not to be a whiney, emo tween between now and Columbus Day. I'm not saying that I won't bitch about PhD Boss because he's due back in the office on September 13th, and let's face it -- after being without him for an entire summer while he was on his "extended leave," I'm not looking forward to having a stress headache again every weekend.
I'm just gonna try to remember that bigger things than Wenchie's So-Called Career are at stake and only cut myself where it won't show because no one likes a poser cutter.
So I will bid you Adieu for a few days, my pudding pies. I am going up north to gaze across the water, browse quaint antique shops, and have lots of sex with my husband without having to worry about if the dogs are watching or what time we have to get up in the morning.
Thanks for watching the dogs, Mom!
Posted at 08:38 AM | Comments (1)August 24, 2010
A Summer Retrospective
With a title like that, I'll bet you're expecting some wistful recounting of a romantic fling, or a retelling of some exotic vacation adventure. Wrong. Life only takes the summer off when you're in grade school. This is just stuff that happened while I was trying not to sweat. (Yes, I did more this summer than just obsess about my job. But not much more.)
Pedophilia
Jesus H. Glistening Christ, when did the neighbor's son get so damn hawt? Last summer, he was a scrawny twig who looked ridiculous in his hockey and football uniforms. But I caught a glimpse of him exiting their pool one July afternoon, and all of a sudden, the world went all slo-motion. He hoisted himself out of the pool with one arm, using chest and back muscles I didn't know existed. It was very Phoebe-Cates-In-Fast-Times-At-Ridgemont-High, only reversed. And then I snapped out of it and felt like a dirty, old lady. Now I can't even look him in the eye. I don't want to look at him because I don't want to get caught looking at him. *sigh*
The Date Is Set
Older Step Daugther will be getting married in a three-hour, Orthodox ceremony, to which I will be bringing a book. The date is set for July 3, 2011, which is kind of ironic -- giving up one's independence the day before we celebrate our country's independence. But then, I'm a bitter, cynical bitch. So I'll just shut-up, wear something conservative, sit in the back, and bring a really good present. Assuming I'm invited.
Frontierville
This little nightmare started on a Friday that I stayed home with a migraine. Once lying in bed groaning lost its magic, I got on the computer. Because what's better for a migraine than staring at a computer screen? Billi was on FB and, via FB Chat, pressured me to join Frontierville so she'd have more neighbors because neighbors = benefits. I didn't stop playing Frontierville until late that Sunday night. In case you're lucky enough to be unfamiliar, here's what it looks like:
Should be called Why-Wenchie's-House-Is-Messy-Ville. I haven't had one productive hour all summer. Thanks, Billi! Hope your laundry never gets done!
...
And now I'm thinking about what else I want to write about, but really, I just want to get back on Frontierville. I don't like where I have my windmill and want to move it. Perhaps over by the shed...?
Posted at 09:12 AM | Comments (3)August 19, 2010
Meatloaf or Spaghetti?
Let me share a comment from Stacey, which, I believe, succinctly sums up the thoughts of probably everyone here. (Or both of us here, depending on how many readers I want to pretend that I have.)
"Do you really want to work here permanently? Really?"
No. I don't. But I'm not sure that question, while poignantly logical, is entirely relevant.
You see, here in this organization, I have some worth. I have a reputation. I have value. Hard to believe, if today is not your first day reading, but there are many people here who know firsthand how awesome I am, and there are every more people who have heard how awesome I am.
I feel like, if I have any shot at all of getting a job during this recession, I have a better shot at a place where I'm a known commodity, rather than showing up on some doorstep with twenty other applicants as just another stranger with just another resumé.
Does that make sense?
Six more work days for me. Is that not crazy? I suppose I should be panicking and speculating and mining my contacts for information. But I'm not.
The strangest sense of ennui has come over me. I no longer have an interest in my own future.
Thirteen days from now, on September 1st, I will be doing one of two things.
1. Unpacking my box of stuff that I'd packed on the 31st and getting settled in my new cube, and meeting with my new bosses to find out how, exactly, to jump into the fray.
2. Waking up, making pancakes for husband, going back to bed for a bit, then texting all my friends to see who wants to play hookie and see an afternoon movie with me.
Both scenarios have their pros and cons. I would find both to be disappointing and a huge relief, in different ways. But each requires such a completely different mindset, I have no idea what to do with my brain in the meantime.
It's like, when you're really hungry, and you're deciding what to do for lunch, and you can't decide where to eat. You're hungry! You know you're going to eat! But nothing is jumping out at you. Your tastebuds seem to want something that's completely unavailable, but you don't even know what.
Wait, that's a dumb analogy.
It's more like -- I don't know what Mom's making for dinner, so I don't know what to set my tastebuds to. Is that a bizarre concept? I got it from my Dad. He liked to know what he was going to have for dinner well in advance, so he knew what he was looking forward to, and so he didn't have something similar for lunch.
Leftovers or steak? Meatloaf or spaghetti?
Unemployment or new career level? Freedom or indentured servitude? Working on my novel or being a productive member of society?
Pizza or chicken casserole?
What's for dinner, Lady Luck? What should I set my tastebuds to, Fickle Fate?
I'm not even hungry anymore. I'm going for a walk.
Posted at 06:22 PM | Comments (3)August 16, 2010
This Is the Sound of the Fat Lady Not Singing
Have I lost you, yet, darling readers? Have my flying monkeys taken off for greener... monkey... places? Where the hell do monkeys live? Oh, right, jungles. Where was I?
Ah, yes. I was where the career drama continues, and I am just so fucking sick of it. At first I was anxious, then I was complacent, and now I'm just disdainfully perturbed. I mean, do they need someone to update the website, and make Steel's travel plans, and balance the unit budget, and plan huge events for V.I.P.s -- OR NOT?!?!
Of COURSE, they do! JEEBUS! It's not ancient Hebrew translation, people! A department with three executives needs a support person!
Head Boss is convinced that the new job is mine. Completely convinced. Done deal. So much so, that he hasn't even bothered to see if HR will extend my current contract beyond August 31 if I don't get the new job.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HOLY CRAP!
This cynic, however, remains unconvinced. I mean, if the job was mine, then they would have already made it official. The job isn't mine until I'm signing on the dotted line. In blood. And swearing on the Bible. "I do, and I ask God to help and guide me."
I'm taking a couple vacation days next week. So I literally have, as far as I know, NINE working days of gainful employment left. In my life. Absolutely no one has told me otherwise. Isn't that weird? I think that's more than a little weird. I feel like, if someone finally decides that they want me to work for them, I should make them beg. Just on principle.
Oh, and there's more! PhD Boss was in the office on Friday, and before he left abruptly, lured into the elevator by Meg's siren song, he told me that he's having Head Boss talk with WM about having me continue with ONE OF MY CURRENT DUTIES, should I get the new job.
Is that not completely fucked up???
PhD! Dude! I am applying for other jobs to ESCAPE YOU and your immature, arrogant, soul-sucking clutches!!! You can't just go ADDING responsibilities to my new job, in a completely different department! If you want me to stay on my current job, PAY ME WHAT I'M WORTH!
And have a personality transplant.
But seriously, I was so pissed when I heard that. And even more stupifying is that no one who is actually HAVING the conversation -- i.e. PhD Boss, Head Boss, and WM -- knows exactly how much time this particular quarterly project takes. And no one who actually UNDERSTANDS the magnitude of what PhD is asking -- i.e. ME -- is being involved in the discussion! Do you believe this shit?!
Amazing.
My first instinct was to go to WM and say, "Bro. Listen. Before you agree to adding anything to my job description, you should know exactly what it entails." And then tell him. Step by step.
But then I thought, screw it. No one has offered me anything. I'm not putting the cart before the horse. As far as I know, Head Boss is only humoring PhD Boss and hasn't asked WM a goddamn thing. So I'm not saying anything to anyone until HRT2 has to suck it up and put the paperwork in front of me.
And then I'm asking, "Considering all of the resturcturing going on, has any part of this job description changed since I interviewed?"
Posted at 07:27 PM | Comments (2)August 12, 2010
Dear Jill
Hello, J. Jill... Can I call you Jill? Great.
Now, Jill. I just received your fall catalogue, and I must tell you -- I love you. Steadfast yet modern, flattering yet forgiving, cool-enough-that-Padawan-wants-to-shop-you yet classic. I'm giving you The Ultimate Compliment -- if I had to choose only one place to buy my clothes, you would be it. *mwah*
For example, if I am ever actually hired for my new theorhetical job, I am going to buy this sweater in every color.
Except... Jill, what color is the "fighthr?" Is that eggplant?
I also love your version of Garanimals: The Wherever Collection.
If I ever become so important that I must travel for work, I am investing in two things: huge vat of Xanax, and one of each piece in this collection -- in black.
But, Jill. Dearest. We simply must talk about some of your Favorite Outfits.
Like this one, which I call Over-Accessorized:
This girl is lovely. Why are you trying to make her look dumpy? Please, lose the belt, or the scarf, or the cardigan. She looks like The Girl Child Playing dress-up, and I have to explain to her that she can't wear the boa and the pashmina and the veil.
She's wearing a sweater dress, with a long sweater over it. And then you throw a belt on top of it all!? Scarlett O'Hara doesn't have the waistline to pull off this look! Please, just stop.
Now, this outfit -- which I call Professional Attire Should Never Involve the Word "Crop" -- also employs the soul-crushing belt-over-the-sweater, but that's not my biggest beef with this look:
C'mon, Jill. We all know that capris are the fat girl's answer to shorts, and calling them "crop pants" does not change the fugly. A rose by any other name still chops off your legs mid-calf and makes you look short. I don't care how cute your shoes are -- if you want to show them off, wear a skirt!
Now, granted, perhaps you are wearing kulats because you don't want the hem of your pants to get caught in the bike chain as you peddle to work. But if that's the case, wear some damn skinny jeans.
And so help me God, if I open your winter catalogue and see any fucking jeggings, I will come over there with a baseball bat.
Posted at 08:09 PM | Comments (3)August 09, 2010
The HR Trolls -- Foiled!
(A brief update as I am uncharacteristically blogging AT WORK, in between book sale drive this morning and singing this afternoon. Can you believe they haven't made me C.E.O. of this place???)
So here's some interesting news...
Head Boss is on vacation, and PhD Boss is on extended leave, so I emailed them last week about my possible re-employment, just in case they were thinking of extending my contract.
I got this back from Head Boss:
Wenchie, I was aware of the decision, but knew that it had to be shared by That Department. HR indicated that they were waiting for Vy's concurrence, since there will be many people leaving their positions and was not sure if one of them should also be considered. I'm glad that WM shared with you, because it is important for you to know. Best personal regards and congratulations.
[Important note: There are, apparently, two people in the building who outrank HR, and Vy is one of them.]
Okay, let's break this down. As I often do.
I was aware of the decision, but knew that it had to be shared by That Department.
Part of me is annoyed that he knew before I did, but he IS an executive. WM probably broached the topic in an executive meeting, which, considering the impending Huge Restructuring, is appropriately relevent. And he probably called me The Candidate, and Head Boss just happened to know that The Candidate is me. So I'm not going to take issue with this.
HR indicated that they were waiting for Vy's concurrence, since there will be many people leaving their positions and was not sure if one of them should also be considered.
Fucking HR. Here's what happened. When WM brought up the topic of The Candidate at the executive meeting, one of the HR Trolls suggested that they wait and see if one of the "many people leaving their positions" (i.e. one of their pet People of Color) should be "considered" (i.e. moved into the position in my stead). And Vy shot them down. HA!
So glad to know that Vy can be counted on to be reasonable. I'd love to know exactly what Vy said, but I'm sure she just didn't want to drag out the already ridiculously long hiring process any more, in deference to both WM and to me. She's a tough broad, but fair.
I'm glad that WM shared with you, because it is important for you to know.
Damn straight!
Best personal regards and congratulations.
He's so cute.
In short:
HR - 1 billion points
Fairness - 1 point
It's a start!
Posted at 10:31 AM | Comments (3)August 05, 2010
The Clock Is Ticking
I CURSE THE HEAVENS!!!![shakes fists at the sky]
Because the heavens cursed me first. *sigh* What the fuck, people. Okay, you wanna hear the latest in Wenchie's Quest for Permanant Employment? Really? Are you reeeeaaaally sure? Because it's only going to piss you off. Well, I appreciate your loyalty, my darlings. Read on.
Last Wednesday, exactly two weeks after my second interview -- within which time they were supposed to make their decision, and their officer -- I went up to talk to WM. Call me a nag or whatever. I think I have a right, as a fellow child of God, to know what's going on.
So I said, "I'm just curious as to whether we're waiting for a few details to be ironed out, or if we need to wait until after The Big Restructuring*."
[* The Big Restructuring is pending, due to hit in September, November, or January, depending on which rumor you give creedance to. It's when the organization gets sliced and diced, and people are cut, along with the services they provide. I'm not even exaggerating when I say that it's going to be bad for the world. We help a LOT of people.]
But WM assured me that he was just waiting on a call from -- who else? -- HR Troll #2. He also let it slip that I'm their candidate. So essentially, the job is mine, and I'm just waiting around for HRT2 to tell me so. And she's certainly in no hurry to offer me my long-sought-after position, as we well know.
A week passed. I grew even more impatient. The calendar changed to August. Ah, August -- my last month of indentured servitude to PhD Boss. Uh, wait a minute. That means my last month in the organization. They're only hiring "in house" people. I have yet to be offered another temp position, or any continuation of this one...
Holy shit.
So I wrote an email to Steel and WM: "Good morning! Just a heads-up that my contract in Current Dept. expires on August 31, and after that, I'm no longer eligible for any other position in the building. Thought you'd want to know!"
No response. Time ticked by. At 3:30, I was ready to leave (early) and do some big grocery shopping at the Jewels. Thank God I stayed an extra minute because WM called me and asked me to pop by his office right away!
Well, it could either be great news or crappy news, right?
I didn't figure that it would be both.
"The good news is, I can officially announce that you are our candidate for the job. The bad news is, we can't offer you the job... just yet."
Apparently, some random hiring freeze was put into place two seconds after WM told HRT2 that they want to hire me. Now, I know I have a habit of making things all about ME. But this time? IT IS TOTALLY ALL ABOUT ME! Bitch just doesn't want to see me happy!
So. They're not hiring anyone at all right now. But WM assured me that my position hasn't been "taken off the table." Yeah, not until HRT2 can find a foolproof reason to get rid of me for good! All she did was buy herself some time. I'm convinced that she's just going to wait out the clock, and then, I won't be an option for WM. And she'll sit in her cold, dank, putrid cave and cackle.
WM said that they should know within three weeks, which is cutting it really damn close. But he told me to come bug him on the 25th, if he hasn't contacted me by then, but he's sure he'll know before that. Apparently, some big, important executives have to meet and look at big, important budget numbers blah blah blah.
But I know the truth. I know who's pulling the strings here. I know I have no future with this organization.
Honestly, it would be a relief. I'm just counting the days now.
So who wants to hang out on September 1st? Go see a movie? Drink margaritas at 2:00 in the afternoon? Anyone? Bueller?
Posted at 06:16 AM | Comments (3)August 02, 2010
A Public Service, from My Lashes to Yours: Part I of II
Started in the beginning of May, this post was three months in the making. That's how dedicated I am to bringing you quality, informative posts, people.
* * * * *
Hourglass ~ Superficial Lash
Their Claim: "Superficial Lash Volumizing + Lengthening Mascara is a hydrating mascara that coats lashes in weightless volume and sheen. Eyes are instantly defined as lashes visibly increase in volume, length and height."
First Impression: Aren't length and height the same thing, pretty much, when talking about lashes? Anyhoo, I was unimpressed by the long, skinny brush. Long and skinny works well for supermodels, red licorice and dachsunds, but I prefer my mascara wands like my men -- big 'n' burly!
Final Conclusion: I had high hopes for coating my lashes in weightless volume and sheen, but I found that this mascara dried too quickly on my lashes, making it impossible to comb out the clumps after application. After four days of clumpiness, I pitched the stuff. Life is too short to look like I wear Cover Girl! I don't care that Drew Barrymore Herself shills for them. You know she doesn't wear that shit -- she wears Mac or Nars or something. She just cashes her checks and gives her free Cover Girl product to her cleaning lady's kid.
Urban Decay ~ Skyscraper Multi-Benefit Mascara
Their Claim: "All new formula and brush! Six-in-one Skyscraper Mascara lengthens, strengthens, thickens, brightens, separates, and curls lashes. The flexible, new generation brush grabs and separates, for long, strong and feather-soft lashes."
First Impression: Weird brush. Very long and narrow and rubbery. Not what I'm used to, but what the hey -- give it a try, right? Can't be as bad as the previous mascara!
Final Conclusion: This mascara claims to do six things -- lengthen, strengthen, thicken, brighten, separate, and curl -- so let's break them down.
Lengthen? Yes, I will totally give this a TEN for lengthening!
Strengthen? I don't even know how you'd measure something like that.
Thicken? No. My lashes were long but skinny, like spider legs.
Brighten? Wha-- what does that even mean?!
Separate? Certainly not on the lower lashes.
Curl? Um, maybe...? Okay, I'll say that, after I used the eyelash curler, this mascara held the curl.
In short, didn't throw out, but would not buy.
Korres ~ Abyssinia Oil Volumizing & Strengthening Mascara
Their Claim: "Abyssinia oil provides intense pigment for dramatic color. Provitamin B5 deeply conditions lashes to prevent breakage. The unique brush is designed with wave shaped bristles for maximum lash fullness and volume, giving an extreme fan effect."
First Impression: Can't wait for the "extreme fan effect!" But what the fuck is abyssinia oil? Wikipedia says, "Abyssinia may refer to the Ethiopian Empire that consisted of modern Ethiopia." Holy shit! Are they saying that my lashes will be as dark as an Ethiopian?! Can they say that???
Final Conclusion: Not a fan of the anorexic brush, but the formula made my lashes... feathery. Yeah. I'm going with feathery. At first. But again, I have grown disenchanted with this mascara as the days have gone by. I sense a trend. Did I get a batch of dried out mascaras? Or have my eyelashes have merely caught up with the rest of my 40 year old body and just aren’t what they used to be? Plus, my lashes don’t seem any blacker than any other mascara that I’ve used, so I’m dubious about the whole magic-Ethiopian-oil thing.
Benefit ~ A Little Bit BADGal Lash Mascara
Their Claim: “This world’s best mascara is sexy, sultry & pure unadulterated black. The famously big brush lays it on thick for full, voluminous lashes."
First Impression: I remember loving this mascara in the past, so if this tube disappoints, I’m going with my batch-of-dried-out-mascara theory and scratching the whole experiment.
Final Conclusion: Still love it. This and Dior DiorShow are my fav mascaras of all time. So far. Highly recommend, ladies! Go buy some!
Smashbox ~ Lash DNA
Their Claim: "This formula of proteins and amino acids, the building blocks of DNA, binds to lashes for genetic defying length, while the double helix brush creates the ultimate fanned-out effect."
First Impression: Well, you gotta love the marketing. "DNA," "genetic defying," "double helix brush." Clever.
Final Conclusion: Okay, I'll give this one an eight. It goes on a little heavier than I normally like, but I've learned to do two light coats, so it works out well. In short, not a bad little mascara! If you are looking for very black, very thick lashes, I would go with this one. Assuming that extended use won't mutate your genetic code, of course...
Posted at 04:08 PM | Comments (4)