September 23, 2010
An Open Letter to the Women Who Work on the 10th Floor
Look, ladies.
We all have to share this bathroom, at least until October 11th, after which some of us will be using it for crying. And soon after that, 50% of us will be leaving, and perhaps it won't be so much of an issue.
But until the day when there are fewer of you annoying the watery, corn-laced shit out of me -- or I get mercifully released from my position directly adjacent to the bathroom -- I have a couple requests.
1. Shut the fuck up when you're in the bathroom. I know it seems like the bathroom is a wonderfully clandestine place to hold a conversation about your menopause symptoms or your sister's asshole husband, but it's not. The place is floor-to-ceiling ceramic tile. Lindsay Lohan's va-jay-jay echos less than the tenth floor bathroom! And don't be fooled just because my cubicle wall is a foot and a half higher than a standard cubicle wall. It is not a sound barrier. Trust me. I know that you forget I'm within earshot because I'm hidden behind the fabric wall, but just try to think of me as God. You can't see me, but you know I'm always there. Oh, also? Speaking a language I don't understand doesn't mean that I can't hear it. Just like ignoring me doesn't make me invisible. Are you seeing a pattern here?
2. Do NOT, under any circumstances, use the handicap door-opener if you are not in a wheelchair. Here's the problem. When you use the handicap automatic door-opener (or H.A.D.O.), it takes for-fucking-ever for the door to open and close. That means, if I sit down to pee, and then you use the H.A.D.O. to enter the bathroom, I have to hold my pee for two minutes until the damn door is closed again so that PhD Boss doesn't hear me peeing. That is just way more intimacy than I'm ready for. Oh, also? Same holds true even if I'm not in the bathroom. Because I don't want to be sitting at my desk and have to hear someone else's intestinal affliction. If you are grunting, moaning, or otherwise verbally-lamenting your toilet sojourn, it's time to rethink your diet.
In short, there is no privacy in the privy. Please adjust your lavatory habits accordingly.
Love, Wenchie
Comments
Wow... In my office, we have 3 private bathrooms. But then again, we have about 50 people in my office. :)
Posted by: Stacey at September 23, 2010 06:51 AM