September 30, 2010
Glass Doors
In reading the comments to my previous post, I was like, "Holy crap! Heather made an Old Testament joke! I didn't know she could touch a Bible without bursting into flames!"
And then I remembered that the Simpsons have done several Biblically-based episodes over the years, so that explains it. I'm sure she learned the story of Moses and Pharoh from there. All is right with the world again. I don't have to start searching for the alien pod.
Yeah, okay, more about work. I can't help it, people, we're in the home stretch. (And Hope, I have no freakin' clue what I'd have blogged about for the past three years if I wasn't working for Jeebus' homeboys. The thought frightens me -- more time on my hands, and no bureaucratic asshattery to bitch about...)
Head Boss
He met with Second-In-Command Vy behind closed doors for twenty minutes. When he presented her with his dilemma -- i.e. he wants to be the one to tell us The Big News, but he's going to be outta town that week -- she told him to have one of the H.R. Trolls tell us. Did you hear my audible gasp? Cripes, I'd rather hear it from the janitor than give either of those cunts the pleasure of firing me. If that turns out to be the case, I'll need some sort of dramatic exit strategy. Somewhere between Jerry McGuire and flying a plane into the building. Because I hate flying.
PhD Boss
He's been circling the globe in a hot air balloon and dropping thousands of copies of his resumes over any city that has more than two stoplights. And he has told me that, as SOON as he gets a new job, he's going to call me to be his assitant. And he's going to put me in charge of his staff. I don't know what's more delicious -- his naivity in believing that he'll have a staff, or the thought of me bossing them around.
Security
Last month, our poor, penniless organization sprang for new doors on every floor. The doors that separate the elevator hallway from everything else on every floor. Doors with glass windows in them. Doors that LOCK. Now, we have to use our company keycards to unlock the doors every time we travel between floors. It annoys me because I refuse to wear mine around my neck on a lanyard and ruin my outfit. Rumor has it that the new security system was installed in aniticipation of some disgruntled newly-ex-employee -- or their spouse -- going postal on October 11th. See, now they're just getting my hopes up.
How Awesome I Am
On Wednesday, October 13th, once the horror of it all has sunk in, I'm hosting an intimate bullshit session at my house after work. Just a small, hand-picked group of people whose opinions and bitterness are enough like my own that none of us have to worry about offending any goody-goodies with our excessive venting and sheer evil hatred. Oh, yes, there will be booze. And cream cheese. And chocolate. And maybe a few ladies calling in sick the next day. From my kitchen.
Comments
I barely know where to start! Your use of the word "asshattery" is hilarious, the image of PhD boss circling the US in a hot air ballooom, the fact that your building has now been equipped with numerous security measures.....in the name of God, this is SERIOUS stuff!
I vote for a true, Jerry Maguire moment should it be necessary on Oct. 11. Which peon will be your Renee Zellweger?
Posted by: Diane Schmidt at September 30, 2010 06:58 AM
Look at you, all Big Girl having a HAND PICKED group of people over. Wow.
I would love to see your freakin outfits.
Posted by: Stace at October 1, 2010 09:53 PM
I think you need to go out in a glorious way - I'm thinking movie star dramatics. Can you stash a boa in your drawer? There should be flailing of the limbs too. And of course, sunglasses. You could use one of my favorite lines from Waiting for Guffman. "I hate you and your ass face!"
Oh, those new security doors? I'd so be the douche stuck in the elevator foyer all day long.
Posted by: Hope at October 5, 2010 09:32 PM