September 20, 2010
Wenchie Catches On
I spend my days marveling at how stupid most everyone around me seems to be. Dolts with no manners, no self-awareness, no greater awareness of the universe. And I marvel at how much smarter I am than the general population. I live in The Big Picture. If you're reading this, you've probably experienced similar things because I do not give my URL to knuckle-draggers.
But today, those of you who are idiots and stumbled upon my blog of your own doing -- today, YOU can feel smug and superior. It's your turn, kittens! Grab it by the balls!
For today, I have discovered that I am so staggeringly stupid, it's amazing that I haven't poked my own eyes out with my sheer ineptitude and a tape dispenser. I'm telling you, I am a moron of olympic proportion. A gibbering idiot. A drooling imbecile. A mouth-breather. Dolt. Simpleton. Halfwit. And my personal fav -- addlepate.
We've been over how I don't sleep. Ad nauseum. It's been part of who I am ever since I can remember. Wenchie is tall, snarky, near-sighted, and sleepless.
I have two nighttime routines: wake-up around 2:00 a.m. and stay awake for two hours; or to wake-up around 4:00 a.m. and stay awake until my alarm goes off. I never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever sleep through the night. At any given moment, on any given day, I could lie down wherever I am and fall asleep within fifteen minutes.
["Explains a lot of your posts, Wenchie!" Shut up, turd.]
For years, I have been keeping very busy after work. I know that sitting around on my ass all day is bad for me, so I try to be active between work and bedtime. I walk the canines, scour the house, hoof-it around the Targets, balance the laundry basket on my head as I go up and down the basement stairs, carry water from the well.
From 4:30 when I slump through the door, to 9:30 when I slid between the sheets like American cheese between Wonder bread, I keep on truckin'. I figure, if I can wear myself out, I'll sleep. Right?
Oh, my God, people. I COULD NOT HAVE BEEN MORE WRONG!
Last Monday, filled with the ennui of our impending, collective, workplace doom, I came home from work and sat on my ass all evening. I took care of the dogs and fixed myself a little dinner, but aside from the absolutely-necessary basics, I perched on my ample, snow-white cheeks.
And I didn't even blog or pay bills or ANYTHING! I just played Frontierville and read a book. And know what?
I SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT!!!!!!!!
Well, slap me on the head like the dweeb that I am.
Unwinding, destressing, chillaxing, decompressing -- whatever you call it. Just embrace the calm. Quiet your mind. Remember how Mom always gave you a nice bath before bed and got mad when Dad tickled you?
"Bob! Don't get the kids all worked up!"
Thirty years later, I revisited the idea of winding-down before bed and had sleep so satisfying that it rivals cake. And to prove that it wasn't a fluke, I've been doing it ever since, and only had one interrupted night in a week.
Duuu-fucking-uuuuuh!
Yup. I'm the stupidest human alive. What a blessing that I never passed on these genes. I could no more grasp the obvious than I could catch a football.
So go ahead and gloat, my less-than-genius-I.Q.-having readers. You won't bother me. I'll be asleep.
Comments
I do not like how you referred to yourself as the stupidest human alive. That honor does not go to you.....it goes to my infamous SIL. SHHH! I didn't just say that. :-)
[edit: SIL = sister in law]
Posted by: Diane Schmidt at September 21, 2010 09:27 PM