November 12, 2010
Clueless
You've heard the old axiom -- "While the cat's away, the mice shall play." Well, while PhD Boss was oh-so-conveniently traveling on my birthday, my REAL work-friends showered me with an embarassment of riches. (Which gives way to a mental picture of me naked, and gold coins raining down upon me. My arms are up in the air; I'm smiling and laughing and doing the Snoopy dance. Luckily for the retenas of the world, that's not what happened.)
I walked into the office at 7:30 a.m. on Friday to find a hot pink "Barbie Girl" tiara and a bowl of chocolate candy waiting for me. (As fashion fate would have it, I was wearing dark colors, allowing the tiara to be the focal point of my ensemble.) Now, that's pretty friggin' awesome in its own right. Tiara + Chocolate = Both of Wenchie's primary needs met -- Primary Need #1 being My Need To Be the Center of Attention. Pretty hard to ignore the crazy lady wearing a tiara in the copy room!
But I was to find, as the day went on, that there were even more amazing things awaiting me!
I knew that we were going to be ordering pizza -- me, Alpha, Head Boss, B.A. (the woman in the cube on the side that Alpha's not in, who is technically in another department, but hates her department, so she hangs out with us), and Scott, from the department near us that got downsized to TWO PEOPLE. (Scott is musical and gay and irreverent, so I couldn't be more pleased that he's basically forced to socialize with us or become a hermit.)
(There is way too much going on parenthetically in this post. I apologize.)
Pizza was to arrive at noon, and at about 11:30, I was getting antsy and wanted to walk around. So I got plates, napkins, etc. and put them in our little private library because that's where I assumed we'd be eating lunch. As I was walking back to my desk, Alpha accosted me.
"Where were you???"
"I just put plates and stuff in the library."
"We're not eating in there!"
"Oh, well, I--"
"You're not allowed to do anything! Now go back to your desk and sit down!"
Okaaaaaaaaaay. Weird. But kind of adorable, too, not wanting the birthday girl to lift a finger. I could go for being doted upon.
Suddenly, it was noon, and I was being escorted to the conference room right across from our cubicles. A conference room that was swathed in pink and lavendar and more pink and Barbie's vapid smile! There was Barbie tablecloth, Barbie plates, Barbie napkins, Barbie cups, Barbie centerpiece! It was as if Mattel had vomited on our lunch table!
I couldn't believe it! When the hell did they decorate the conference room, and how I did not notice?! Damn, I really am in my own, little world. And no wonder Alpha didn't want me walking around or setting up in the library!
So we closed the door and ate. We are blessed to have one of Chicago's finest pizza places in our building complex. In fact, it's my favorite deep dish in all of Chicago. Lunch of champions!
Now, I have a thing about lunch. Unless you are a firefighter or brain surgeon, you should never, ever, ever work through lunch. Get your ass up, get away from your computer, grab a friend, leave the building, and eat something yummy. You're not doing yourself any favors by trying to impress people with your Hardcore, Lunch-Skipping Dedication To Your Employer. You're just making it look like you can't handle your shit, so go check out the flavor of the day at Culver's, for God's sake.
I always take my full hour (and then some) for lunch. But half an hour after we started eating, we were done. Only half of my lunch hour was used up! I prayed that they wouldn't all go back to their desks, where the rest of them normally eat lunch. (Freaks!)
Luckily, Alpha started asking stupid questions, like, "What was your favorite party game as a child?" and "Did you ever play any make-out games in high school?"
So I answered them and explained to Head Boss the forced, flop-sweat-inducing awkwardness of Seven Minutes In Heaven. He's a reverend, in case you forgot, and found it fascinating. Pure. Awesome.
Then Scott, who travels all over the world playing liturgical music for various and sundry services, started telling stories about bishops and pastors and cardinals and nuns and deacons. My favorite one was about the right-wing Christian who was horrified to find out that there might be gay people at the church music convention she was attending.
Scott was like, "Are you kidding?! We're a bunch of church organists! Hellooooooooo! You might as well be at a hairdressers' convention!"
I love him. Anyway, halfway through lunch, I had taken off my tiara because it is, of course, made for a child's head and, therefore, was pretty tight on mine. At 1:00 exactly, as if on cue, everyone stood up and made to go back to their desks.
Head Boss said to me, "You should put your tiara back on."
And I was like, "I will later. I'm giving my skull a rest."
But he used his Father Knows Best voice and said, "I'm asking you to put on your tiara."
What the--? Okay. I knew something was up. I looked at the closed conference room door, which they were waiting for me to open, and was filled with terror. Clearly, there was someone on the other side of it, and I was going to have to find out... in my tiara.
I opened the door and was completely blown away by the sight that greeted me. There was more Barbie decorations, half a dozen of my bestest work friends, and a friggin' BARBIE CAKE!!!
A BARBIE CAKE!!!
For ME! I couldn't believe it! Sure, I've made one for The Girl Child, but I never thought someone would get me one of my own!
I must admit -- this sea-faring, embittered, world-weary pirate teared-up a little looking at the wonderful, thoughtful ladies who bought me a Barbie cake. Or maybe it was just a little sea water in my eye. Either way, I hope no one noticed.
So, apparently, the reason why Alpha was asking ridiculous questions after lunch, and everyone else made sure that we stayed in that room for the full one hour, was because the rest of my friends were just outside the room, silently setting up for dessert. I tell ya, dem bitches are sneaky!
I also found out that B.A.'s husband had, sometime that morning, picked up the cake from the bakery and delivered it here. I never saw B.A. and Alpha go get it from him, and I had no idea that it was sitting in a cube ten feet away! I am so flippin' clueless!
First the secretly decorated lunch room, then the surprise Barbie cake dessert gathering -- thank God they've chosen to use their powers for good and not evil. I'm sure, if we all put our heads together, we could take over this organization. But it wouldn't be nearly as rewarding as red velvet cake.
Comments
pictures?
Posted by: Lori at November 12, 2010 01:18 PM