December 09, 2010
Into the Woods
Just as I finish up one Anthropologie post, another catalogue arrives in my mailbox! It's like Christmas Day every month! You know, this critique of the Anthropologie catalogue may have to become a semi-regular thing because they just never cease to bemuse and/or upset me.
For example, we've got another fairy-tale-themed photo shoot going on here. Goldilocks is lost in the woods and not at all dressed for the ocassion, is she?
How am I supposed to see the product they're selling through all that fog? Seems more like they're selling me my ideal vacation spot than some out-of-focus clothing. Are those... cargo capris?
This is much better. I love this photo.
Someone just stopped by Mr. Tumnus' house for a quickie!
I can understand that someone like Mr. Tumnus is bound to have a shoe fetish, but couldn't she have worn some sensible hiking boots and just brought her sex-shoes with her in a hand-painted, eco-friendly tote?
She deserves to get eaten by a wolf. Who goes traipsing through the woods in three-hundred dollar, leather, platform clogs?
I mean besides Heather.
I want to live here. Can't you just see me in a cozy, grass-roofed cabin, nestled in the deeps woods, secluded from society, but with great cell reception and high-speed internet?
I would wander around my property with wind-swept hair, wearing mismatched clothes completely inappropriate for being in nature, re-enacting creepy Brothers Grimm scenes, fantasizing about being ravished by a centaur...
Sorry, where was I? Oh, yes. Here's one thing Billi won't be getting for Christmas:
A four-hundred dollar birdhouse. Do you believe that shit? I don't even like birds! Husband could make any one of these for thirty bucks, and it'd be just as cute. And then I'd keep in inside because hell if I'm going to encourage those avian-flu-carriers to live on my property!
And speaking of winged things, we're now flying over the line from trite to ghastly. She appears to have to upper body of an adult female, which her legs remain those of a toddler. No wonder she looks so forlorn.
Her mode of transportation just makes no sense. Genetically-enhanced butterflies? Does Anthropologie sell boots that look like this? Because seriously, I would not put it past them to--
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! What the fuck??? What kind of weird-ass shit is THIS?! I don't even know where to begin! The boots over ribbed over-the-knee stockings over... a union suit? Doing AN ANTLER DANCE! The Antler Dance of the Broken Spirit, apparently.
Do yourself a favor, my dearest darlings. DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, Google "deer furries." You will never sleep again.
Hmmm. Perhaps I've been judging these other-worldly women too harshly. Maybe it's the Googling of the "deer furries" that has them gripped with such palpable sorrow?
Or perhaps it's the ugly chicken salt 'n' pepper shakers in their laps, which I originally thought were rings and almost purchased for Heather.
Heather, who would never come over again if I did this to my living room, like I really, really want to.
Even though it would destroy the resale value of my home. C'mon! Wouldn't it be awesome?!
Can't you just see me? Loungin' in my caftan, leggings and suede boots (my normal around-the-house attire for cleaning the toilets and grooming the dogs)... Oh, how I want this lifestyle! This lifestyle, and this coat:
Wooden buttons! Embroidered shawl collar! I love this coat so much that even the visage of the creepy butterfly-tamer hovering above it can't taint it for me.
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[Public Service Announcement: All my photos contain hyperlinks, so if you've read all the way through and not clicked on just one of them, you are dead to me. It's a lot of damn work, people!]
Comments
OK, Anthropologie's latest catalog is the work of an LSD induced session with all the ad execs. I don't know how they could possibly top this with anything more insane!
I love that coat too.....but I'm a little scared of it.
Posted by: diane Schmidt at December 9, 2010 08:53 AM
You are fucking awesome! Nothing better for an at-work hangover than laughing out loud. Thanks! But, dammit, you made me want that coat.
Posted by: Carole at December 9, 2010 12:21 PM
I would never wear clogs, silly. if I were walking in the forest, I obviouslywould have been kidnapped from a glorious costume ball, so i'd be running from my captors in platform stilletto strappy sandals.
Obviously.
Posted by: heather at December 9, 2010 02:53 PM
I did what you asked and clicked on two pictures just to see your handy work in action. Then I did what you said not to do and googled "deer furries" which showed me there is no bottom of the barrel with regard to human depravity. yikes!
Posted by: Daddy Escape at December 10, 2010 11:50 AM
Heather, you are a goddess.
Posted by: Lori at December 10, 2010 12:24 PM
is that a doll coat?
Posted by: Stac at December 14, 2010 08:40 PM