January 27, 2011
Happily Never After
Hey, you know how the sequel is never as good as the original movie or book or fairy tale or whatever? Well, this is no different. The plot is contrived, the characters are rehashed, and the acting is hollow. However, it may win an award for make-up and costuming because the star looks FABULOUS!
When we last left Princess Wenchie, she had thrown off the accursed shackles of enslavement and sashayed into the sunset in search of her own destiny. But destiny is a son-of-a-bitch, and the PhDragon isn't the only weird-ass thing in the forest.
The first town Wenchie happened upon was a lovely place called Sabbatical. It had plenty of book stores and chocolate stores and free wi-fi, so she took a room at a charming little inn. At some point, she planned to get a job at the local bakery or milliner. But for the foreseeable future, she was quite content singing to wishing wells, entertaining suitors for her hand, and feeding breadcrumbs the mermaids down by the pond.
One day, Wenchie was out for a stroll and came upon a creek in the forest. There was a stone bridge for crossing, but when she stepped foot on it, there came a terrible -- and strangely familiar -- voice from underneath.
"Good afternoon, pretty princess. How odd that we should run into one another so far from the castle."
It was HR Troll #2! Wenchie nearly crapped her bloomers!
"What do you want? Why have you followed me?"
"I missed you, dear one. We've ALL missed you. Why, the Queen herself sent me to find you and bring you back to the castle... for a six month contract."
"You're kidding."
"No! She asked for you special!"
"What happens after the six months?"
"Who can say? Perhaps she will keep you on forever. Perhaps she will cast you aside in favor of another. I'm a troll, not a wizard!"
"No. I won't be a slave anymore! Leave me!"
"Who said anything about slavery? The Queen would pay you, my dear. And pay you well!"
"How well?"
"A treaure chest of gold and silver!"
"How big of a ch-- oh, why am I even listening to you?! Be gone, foul temptress!"
"Fine. But this offer is only good until midnight tomorrow. After that... um..."
"I turn into a pumpkin?"
"Sure, let's go with that."
And Wenchie fled back to her cozy room at the inn. There, she flung herself on her bed, weeping woefully, her dainty teardrops glistening prettily on her long, sooty lashes.
"Oh, pity me, cold universe! Cast your soulless, uncaring eyes down upon this clueless princess! What the fuck am I to do?"
*ribbit*
Wenchie looked up to find a tiny toad sitting on the windowsill by her bed. It seemed to look right at her.
*ribbit*
"Tell me, little toad, are you, by chance, an enchanted amphibian, come to save me from my conundrum, in exchange for turning you back into a handsome prince?"
"Well, yes and no," replied the toad. "I am enchanted, but I'm not a prince."
"Huh. Well, whatever. What is your sage advice, o wisened froggie?"
"A chest of silver and gold is nothing to sneeze at. They must really want you, or they would have just pulled some scullery maid from the kitchen to do the job. That counts for something, even if it isn't the guarantee of ever after that is your heart's desire."
"Go on."
"The bottom line is this. Even if they do screw you over and banish you from the land in six months, at least, when you are job hunting, the most recent thing on your resumé will be a very pretigious position, and you can begin negotiations by telling prospective employees that your previous boss gave you a chest of shiny, precious coins."
"That does make sense. Could it be that they've finally realized my worth, and are truthful about not knowing what the future looks like?"
"I don't know. I'm an enchanted toad, not a wizard. Now pucker up; we have a deal."
Wenchie pursed her glossy lips and leaned forward, wondering what her future husband would be. Blacksmith? Woodsman? Mason? She kissed the tiny toad, and *POOF* From a cloud of smoke and glitter emerged... a young, pretty Korean lady.
"Hi! I'm Padawan."
"Wow. Not what I expected," Wenchie admitted.
"Yeah, well, if this fairy tale has a moral, it's that the world never fails to surprise."
"I hates morals."
"I know. How do you feel about lattés?"
So the two checked out of the inn and shopped every store and market on the road to the castle. After all, a prestigious, new position warrants a fabulous, new wardrobe.
God save the Queen.
Comments
I LOVE this post. You never cease to amaze me!!
Best of luck at the new gig. Knock em dead, sister.
Posted by: Vicki at January 27, 2011 08:45 AM
So is this a Lesbian fairytale now?
Posted by: Hope at January 27, 2011 09:12 AM