June 15, 2011
Planter's Flashy-Something
So, yeah, I have plantar fasciitis and a teensy-weensy little heel spur. Adding to my disappointment is the fact that heel spurs do not, in fact, jingle-jangle-jingle. They are nothing like badass cowboy spurs, and I will not be slitting anyone's throat with them like Bill Paxton did in "Near Dark." Bummer.
Like many of those afflicted with painful ailments, I find myself asking the age-old question, "Why me?" Now, I know that, with things like lepresy or bad hair, there is rarely an answer, as those conditions are random. Terrible and debilitating, but random, so there's no use for you poorly-quaffed lepers to be torturing yourselves wondering.
Plantar fasciitis, however, does have tangible causes. They can vary from person to person, but you're gonna fall somewhere in the list of probable causes, trust me. I just happen to not agree with Dr. Hottie's claim that supporting my junk-in-the-trunk on too-high heels is the real reason.
After all, there are plenty of women in this building alone, fatter than me, their ample asses teetering around on their stillettos, with no hint of a limp! Seriously! They're, like, balancing a watermelon on two toothpicks! It defies logic!
And so I am left asking, "Why me, Jeebus? WHY ME?!" I wear sunscreen, I gave fifty dollars to Habitat for humanity, I replace the box of baking soda in my fridge every month! I've done everything I'm supposed to do, so WHY have I been hobbled with this useless spur?!?!
Because God is smoting me, that's why. He's smoting me because I have defied His divine plan for me. I mean, clearly, with these shoulders, I was meant to be an amazon warrior or an olympic swimmer or a pioneer settler. Someone not unwilling to put her sturdy frame to good, practical use.
But nooOOOooo. I denied my true calling and became a blogger. As a result, God hath smote me with the athletics-related injuries that I would have had, had I not chosen the path of gluttonous sloth.
It's the only plausible explanation.
Comments
"... I have defied His devine plan for me."
This was TOTALLY a Freudian slip!!!
Posted by: Marty at June 15, 2011 08:07 PM
I hear ya; most in my family, including the World's Greatest Husband, have diabetes. Me? I don't have just one sweet tooth; I have a whole mouth full of them and the unhappy dentist to prove it. Yet, I have not been cursed with diabetes. My blood sugars remain beautiful.
Oh, wait, that wasn't helpful was it? Sorry. :)
-L.
Posted by: Lori at June 16, 2011 12:51 PM
I had just the opposite experience. Being large and built for hard work, I found that I was smote for using those gifts. After 3 farm-accidents in 3 years, I chose to become a computer modeler instead of a master farmer. I left my farm 25 years ago and no accidents since. I am still squirming, but I choose to believe that God is at least finding entertainment in watching me squirm. Peace! Herc
Posted by: Herc at June 19, 2011 08:06 PM