June 10, 2011
Probable Cause
Well, I've done it again. Hurt myself by doing practically nothing. Remember when I hurt my shin running across the street? And pinched a nerve in my neck carrying a tree branch to the curb? And sprained my ankle falling on the ice? And pulled a tendon in my wrist sitting at a computer too much? Not to mention the countless knots, kinks and pulled muscles in other various and sundry parts of my body. So much for aging gracefully! Fuck you, too, Father Time, you malicious turd!
Since I wasn't blogging in my early twenties, I have probably neglected to mention that I had several attacks of gout then. Yes, you heard me correctly. When I was a poor, young woman, I had the disease of rich, old men. See? I went right from my Awkward Phase into my Golden Years. My physical peak probably last about a minute and a half, and I slept through it.
So now, I have Plantar Fasciitis. "High body mass index" is code for "fat," in case you weren't aware. I have the disease of Fat Girl Wearing High Heels, essentially. I am so pissed. You guys, upon my epiphanies of, "Hey, expensive shoes are often worth the money for their comfort," and, "Hey, high heels are kinda awesome," I have recently spent about $500 on shoes. Five hundred dollars, I might add, on shoes that are now completely worthless to me because the heels are more than two inches high.
Obviously, in light of this recent development, I have rekindled my romance (albeit one-sided) with Dr. Hottie. Thank God I actually shaved my legs and painted my toes on Tuesday, in anticipation of the pedicure I thought I was going to have, before acute pain forced me to cancel my pedi in lieu of an appointment with Dr. Hottie. God forbid my chiropractor should see my hairy calves and naked toenails!
So here's the conversation we had, as I lay on the table with my foot in the air.
PW: I'm so sorry you have to touch a foot that's been inside a sock and shoe for nine hours.
Dr. Hottie: Don't worry about it. Does this hurt?
PW: No.
DH: How 'bout this?
PW: Nuh-uh.
DH: No? What about THIS?
PW: OWWWWWWW!
DH: *pfft* You're getting soft. You've been away too long. You used to not scream so much.
PW: You dug your thumb into the part I told you really hurts! DUH!
DH: So I'm thinking heel spur.
PW: WHAT?! No! I'm thinking plantar fasciitis.
DH: We'll take an x-ray and see what it says.
PW: It better not say heel spur!
DH: We'll see. So what happened?
PW: Well, I just got hired on as a real, regular, for-reals employee.
DH: That's great! Congratulations!
PW: Yeah, thanks. Anyhoo, my boss is, like, super-important, and I work on the floor with all the super-important people, so I stepped-up my wardrobe a bit. Which includes wearing heels every day.
DH: How high?
PW: Two and three-quarter inches.
DH: WHAT?!
PW: Yeah, plus I'm overweight, so I'm thinking possible cause.
DH: I'd say PROBABLE cause.
PW: Fine, whatever.
DH: Well, you can't wear high heels anymore.
PW: Dude, I just spent a ton of money of new shoes!
DH: I want you to wear a shoe that laces up.
PW: Oh, my God. Are you trying to kill me?
DH: Maybe orthodics.
PW: [fingers in ears] LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!
DH: Stop that.
PW: I'm forty-one! I'm not wearing lace-up shoes to work!
DH: How about just at home, and flats at work?
PW: How about just at home, and lower heels at work?
DH: Are you haggling with me?
PW: C'mon! I feel so grown-up in heels! And I'm, like, six feet tall at work! It's awesome!
At this point, he just started shaking his head in mock-disappointment, while silently counting in his head all the money he's going to make off his stupid, high-heel-wearing patient.
Comments
OMG we have the same thing! I'm so sorry you're hurting!
I don't understand Dr. Hottie's treatment, tho - I was diagnosed with Plantar Fasciitis and the prescribed treatment is "wear any shoe with 2.5" heel or higher". For serious. He told me, and my sister, and my mother, all of whom have suffered with the condition, that wearing flats exacerbates the condition. this is from an actual podiatrist! Mom and Jen have since recovered (after wearing heels, not flats, for 4-6 months) and I'm 3 months into the 'treatment'. RIDICULOUS, right?
Posted by: heather at June 10, 2011 02:09 PM
I'm a tall fatty that likes high heels too! They hurt after a while, all that weight on the balls of my feet is hard, yet I do like my heels.
Show these to Dr. Hottie:
http://www.zappos.com/multiview/7838212/236233
THEY HAVE LACES!!!
Posted by: Hope at June 10, 2011 02:10 PM
@Heather: Maybe that's the treatment for skinny bitches?
@Hope: God, those shoes look like a TON of work. With my luck, I would probably get carple tunnel syndrome lacing them up.
Posted by: Wenchie at June 10, 2011 03:26 PM
Wenchie.....OK, sorry for your pain, but the gout comments were absolutely hilarious. Also, my hubby is not overweight and he has had bouts of PF. Dr. P (my version of Dr. Hottie, my chiro) gave him stretches to do and did get him some orthotics, which helped. Just think, orthotics INSIDE your platforms! Problem solved!!
Posted by: Diane Schmidt at June 10, 2011 06:36 PM
Lace up orthodics????? There has to be another way. C'mon Hottie, use your chiropractic noodle! There has to be an acupuncture cure of some sort? Herbs? Chanting?
Posted by: Liz Podolski at June 12, 2011 08:42 AM