July 30, 2011
Insert Ark Joke Here, Part II of II
(Continued from Part I of II...)
When last we left our heros (i.e. me, Husband, Billi and Brad), they were standing in eight inches of rain water, watching on Oriental rug float by. (And it's okay to say the word Oriental, as long as you're talking about a thing and not a person. I checked.)
It's a depressing, daunting task, looking at all that water and knowing that, however much back-breaking, knee-aching work you anticipate it's going to take, it will take even more. It's the kind of work that makes anyone over 30 think, Shit, I am OLD.
Now, you long-time readers have read what we moved into Mom and Dad's house when they moved several years ago, so you can imagine what we had to clear out after we forced back the flood waters.
Here is a very incomplete list of what we found, but didn't necessarily throw away:
17 brass kerosene lamps
(When the hippies force us all to only be using those halogen, squiggly lightbulbs, Mom and Dad will apparently be going back to kerosene in protest.)
6 glass kerosene lamps
(Those are the fancy lamps. For when company comes over.)
36 glass chimneys for kerosene lamps
(Thank God we'll never run out!)
3 bankers boxes of walnut wood slabs
(He says "it's for projects." I don't know what he has planned for that much wood, but he'd better get a move on because he's 77, and the clock is ticking!)
2 barrels of misc pieces of wood
(You know how much wood you can fit in a barrel? That's a lot of damn wood. Again, "for projects." I'd better be getting a really kickass tree house for Christmas!)
2 executioners axes
(You know, for when you want to execute two people simultaneously.)
3 bankers boxes of 78s for a victrola
(These we threw away because I don't think he has a victrola. However, we kept the Spike Jones set, probably for the cover art.)
2 record turntables
(Oddly, we did not find any 33 LP records for the turntables. Did he think he was going to play the 78s on them? We'll never know. One we tossed, one he kept.)
2 cigar boxes of old keys
(This will result in the weirdest craft project imaginable. Well, maybe they can use them to decorate their Christmas tree, since most of their ornaments were ruined.)
one huge box of scrap brass
(I... just don't even know.)
one box too heavy to move so we left it and don't know what's in it
ebony & ivory
(Not the 45 record of the hit song from the 80s. I'm talking about ebony wood, and ivory from elephants. Gross, I know, but in his defense, I'm sure he bought it long before it was illegal. Probably to fix our old upright piano that had ivory keys. Which tells you how damn old our piano was.)
Dad's army jacket from the Korean war
(Pretty neat. The jacket, not the war.)
Grampa's army jacket from World War I
(Very cool. It got wet, but I don't think there's any damage done that a good dry-cleaning can't fix.)
Grampa's trunk that he brought over with him when he came to America
(Dad is trying to dry that out, but I'm not sure how successful he will be. It smelled pretty nasty BEFORE the flood.)
a box of brass knuckles, not all of them brass
(I don't know what he's planning. Just don't ever sneak up on the guy.)
And then, of course, we had to have this conversation: "How do we move the canons so we can mop?"
* * * * *
Side note -- Things Husband's Ex found in her late aunt's house:
1 lb. of mercury in a jar
40 bottles still full of Scotch with labels showing they were from Prohibition
(My hand to Jeebus, people. I couldn't make this up if I tried.)
Comments
I think you may be able to submit your parent's house for an episode of Hoarders. I just really like that show :) Plus there was some cool stuff in there!
The hooch from prohibition, VERY COOL! I wouldn't drink it, but I'd keep a few bottles.
How do you even dispose of the mercury?
Posted by: Hope at July 30, 2011 02:45 PM
I believe they have yet to dispose of the mercury. Twice a year, our Park District has an event where you can bring ANYTHING, and they will recycle/dispose of it -- no questions asked. They refused the mercury.
The hooch was awful. Undrinkable, except by the most dedicated of alcoholics.
Posted by: Wenchie at July 31, 2011 01:04 PM