August 30, 2011
A Plan for Implementation
Meanwhile, back at work, we are still "living into the new design," i.e. figuring out what the hell we're doing with forty percent of the workforce gone and the other sixty percent doing jobs slightly or very different than they did before.
In their attempt to placate us into thinking that our -- the little peoples' -- opinions matter, the Uppermost Echelon (UME) has decided to poll us on what we think of their lofty, incomprehensible vision for the organization's future.
Which is fine. I think it's cute that they humor us, and I'm happy to humor them right back by giving them a big ol' thumbs-up and saying, "Awesome ideas! Keep up the good work!"
Only, this time... this time, I actually have an opinion. Nay, not just an opinion, little minions, but an IDEA. I know! Can you believe that my no-college-degree-havin' brain actually came up with an IDEA?! And not just an idea, but a plan for implementation, goals, and measures! Holy crap, somebody stop me before I cure cancer!
So I carefully crafted a brief yet intellegent proposal for my idea. I made sure I used UME language, talked about "measureable goals," and made all of my sentences decisive statements, starting none of them with "I think" or "I believe."
I have no idea what I actually said, but I can assure you, it was brilliant. And it summed up my thought that our organization's support staff is a wealth of information and potential, and we need a group to tap all that awesomeness and turn it into cross-training, information-sharing, best practices, and other such admirable results.
I mean, c'mon, UME has their own secret club. Second level managers have their ocassional meetings. Why has it occurred to no one to let support staff be supported and supportive?! (I kind of think that they are scared to let us assemble, not knowing what we might do with our newly-found, collective power!)
Anyhoo, I sent my inspiring, ambitious email -- as instructed -- to the consultant employed by the organization to help us figure out what the hell we're doing, and to Vy, my boss. In return, I got the perfunctory thank-you-for-your-input emails.
Which was a little disappointing. I mean, I did kind of expect Vy to come running out of her office and laud me for showing such brave and daring initiative. But she is probably saving her speech for a more formal ocassion, like my congratulatory dinner or something.
So that was last week. Since then, I've been making a little fantasy football team in my head of who would be the best people for my (as of yet) imaginary task force. And it ocurred to me -- you know who would be awesome at leading this group? ME! I have the ideas! I have the ability to motive people to contribute and get them to work together as a team! I play well with others and don't eat paste!
In my new bible, a book entitled "Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office," I learned that one of the reasons that women don't get as much money/respect/benefits/prestige as men is that we don't ask for it. So, I got the notion into my tiny, peon brain that I should ask for what I want, for what I know I could do.
This afternoon, I resent my original idea-email along with this P.S. at the top:
Should the UME decide to implement my suggested plan, I wish to be considered for convener or co-convener of the group.
Haaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha! Do you believe the balls on this broad?! I am so proud of myself! This may not seem like much of an event to most of you, but to someone used to being "just a waitress/nanny/secretary" for most of my life, showing initiative and openly asking for the UME's trust is a huge, steaming deal! I'm learning to go after the things I want in a corporate setting! Who am I???
And then I got this response from the consultant: "Very cheeky, Wenchie!"
Well, I about burst out in tears right there at my desk. Admonished for being impudent! During my moment of possible glory!
SHIT! Did I overstep my bounds? I wondered. Am I way out of line? Am I being pushy, disrespectful or insubordinate?
You see what kind of ridiculous tailspin being a peon for twenty years has made me prone to? It's disgusting. Besides, who is she to call me insolant? Who is she to smack me down for daring to reach just one tiny finger out of my mud hole? This is why women still struggle so hard in the workplace -- because we don't mentor each other!!!
I wrote back, "Is cheeky good or bad? Because my only exposure to the word comes from Mary Poppins and Monty Python."
She replied, "It's good! I was being friendly! Nothing like those!"
Huge, weather-changing sigh of relief. And I'm glad I asked. She's from Australia, so we do often find ourselves asking each other to define certain words -- her, her Australian lingo; and me, American lingo. I guess, being from the opposite hemisphere as Mary Poppins, cheeky mean bold and saucy! Like a good BBQ -- or as she'd call it, a barbie!
Posted at 06:10 AM | Comments (1)August 15, 2011
The Last Five Commandments
[Continued from my previous quasi-theological ranting...]After spending my sabbath day cleaning house and prepping cold appetizers (can't really call that "cooking"), I am ready to continue my heretical sermonizing on The Ten Guidelines.
In my defense, I did also spend my sabbath watching an Audrey Hepburn-Humphrey Bogart movie and eating cherry vanilla cupcakes, so I wonder if the Lord will give me partial credit...?
From the Book of Genesis
13 Thou shalt not kill.
** This is the sticky one, isn't it? Four one-syllable words that can be so confusing. Is it okay to kill someone who's trying to kill you or a loved one? Is it okay to kill an enemy in a time of war? Is it okay to kill your boss when he shows up to work drunk and takes credit for all the work you did? I'm not going to pretend to know all the answers, but I sure hope I'm never in any of the aforementioned situations so I don't have to make a decision. It all boils down to this: If you kill someone, you will feel really, really haunted by it for the rest of your life, regardless of the situation. So don't do it. Jehovah doesn't want you to feel bad. And the only good haunting is by the Holy Ghost.
14 Thou shalt not commit adultery.
** This one was written waaaaaay before Bruce Campbell was born, so I'm pretty sure it doesn't apply to me.
[Oh, my beloved Bruce, I shall covet thee 'til the end of days!]
15 Thou shalt not steal.
** Do you guys remember "pinch koalas" from the 70s?
** They looked like this, only of much better quality, and there sure as shit was no blue raccoon. I remember feeling especially cool with a tiny polar bear clipped to the strap of my overalls.
** Now, there was a record store where I lived that also sold various and sundry bric-a-brac, including pinch koalas. Having no disposable income in grade school, I did what any self-respecting, little-pinch-brown-bear-wanting child would do -- I shoplifted one. (Mom, try not to die; the story doesn't end there.)
** Well, the guilt almost killed me. Plus, I had no idea what I'd say to my mother when she inevitably asked me, "Oh, where'd you get that little pinch bear?" So a few days later, I unshoplifted it. That's right, I snuck that damn thing back into the store. Which, trust me, takes just as much guts as swiping it in the first place! I was scared outta my mind!
** Anyhoo, the moral of the story is this: Don't steal stuff cuz it'll make you feel bad, and again, God doesn't want you to feel bad. Now, if you have to steal a crust of bread to feed your dying child, I can't imagine God getting too pissed about that. But if you're reading this on a computer, you probably don't have that problem, so just don't steal. It's shitty.
16 Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.
** Remember when I posed the rhetorical question, "Is it okay to kill your boss when he shows up to work drunk and takes credit for all the work you did?" Well, that actually happened to Alpha. You remember Alpha, the other administrative assistant who endured PhD Boss with me, and before me, and since me? Okay, she didn't actually kill Lee, but he was drunk, and he did take credit for all her work. False witness number one!
** And then, when PhD Boss started working here seven years ago, resentful Lee said to PhD of Alpha, "She's just a secretary with an inflated sense of her own importance. You don't have to listen to her." When in reality, in addition to doing Lee's job, Alpha is in charge of the unit budget aaaaaaand has a direct contact in the VATICAN. False witness number two!
** So from then on, based on Lee's two-sentence testimonial, PhD gleefully treated Alpha like crap, talked smack about her to anyone who would listen, and -- just for good measure -- busted her down two pay grade levels, lowering her potential salary cap, and forever damaging her income. False witness number three!
** [BTW, Alpha found all this out first hand from PhD, who confessed it to her in some sickening, self-indulgent confession not three weeks ago. ACK!]
** So in case you were wondering what it means to bear false witness, now you have three shining examples of what NOT to do, lest you become a spoiled, sociopathic shit-stain like PhD Boss.
17 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's.
** Nor his neighbour's ass. Tee hee hee. Isn't that funny. A joke as old as the Bible itself. Now with that out of the way, what is this guideline about? It's about not obsessing. Not torturing yourself. In truth, it's probably the hardest one for me. I love to covet, and I love to obsess. I have raised these activities to Olympic heights and hope to go on to the semi-finals next month. But do they make me happy? No. Of course not. Listening Husband snore and pondering how much less it would annoy me if he were Bruce Campbell doesn't bring me joy. Coveting just makes you feel empty. And if God had wanted you to travel His creation feeling empty, He wouldn't have created sunsets and ice cream and loyal friends. So just mind your own damn business and enjoy what you have.
18 And all the people saw the thunderings, and the lightnings, and the noise of the trumpet, and the mountain smoking: and when the people saw it, they removed, and stood afar off.
** Well, here God is just showing off. Posted at 07:52 PM
August 10, 2011
The First Five Commandments
So for work, sometimes I have to look up Bible verses. Please don't laugh. Yesterday, I came across this one:
“Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” Luke 12:6-7
Um, is that supposed to make me feel better? That I'm worth more than the carriers of avian flu? And who is selling sparrows in Bible times? I can't imagine they are good eating. Unless, back then, they were weird, giant, beginning-of-time, barely post-primordial-ooze sparrows. Those would probably have some meat on them. But they would probably also spit poison or something...
Okay, where was I? Oh, right -- Bible stuff.
My theory is that, much like Captain Jack Sparrow's Pirate Code, which is "really more like guidelines," so, too, are the Ten Commandments. Commandments is such a harsh, tyrranical word, and I don't subscribe to an almighty, omnipotent force that would create flawed creatures only to boss them around and punish them. As if Yahweh were some emotionally-damaged tween.
So let's have a look at Wenchie's Interpretation of the Ten Guidelines, shall we? Get some coffee, pour in a little Bailey's, sit back and enjoy your precursor to an additional thousand years in purgatory. Because if any of this makes sense to you, that is surely what's in store for you.
From the Book of Genesis
[And I'm using the King Jame's Version here because I love a good Thou shalt and Thou shalt not!]
1 And God spake all these words, saying,
2 I am the LORD thy God, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage.
3 Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
** Um, okay, this one IS a little like an emotionally-insecure wife-beater. But I think what God is doing here is just trying to avoid any confusion. Simplify. Pick one god and just be done with it. If you commit to too many gods, pretty soon you'll have hundreds of commandments to follow, and who needs that hassle?
4 Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.
5 Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me;
6 And showing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.
** First of all, "graven" means "carved or sculptured." He has not ruled out SEWN images, you crazy Amish folk, so please put some faces on your dolls. You are creeping out the rest of us. Second, this guideline just goes hand-in-hand with the first one. Don't worship a golden calf, or the Stanley Cup, or your iPhone -- I don't care how fabulous it is. If you do, God will smote your children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. And then who will change your diapers when you're old? No one! They will all hate you for lighting candles by your black velvet Elvis painting and bringing the Lord's smote-yness down on them.
7 Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain; for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.
** Honestly, I've heard many interpretations of this guideline -- some of which would get most of us off the hook -- but I think it comes down to this: politeness. Don't equate the name of the deity who created baby bunnies with the horrible act of stubbing your toe or backing into your neighbor's car. It's just rude.
8 Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.
9 Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work:
10 But the seventh day is the sabbath of the LORD thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates:
11 For in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the LORD blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it.
** Why is God so long-winded about some of these, and other guidelines are just four words? Becaue if we go by word count, I think this is God's favorite guideline. Or maybe this is the one He knew we would all suck at, so He was really specific and used small words so we'd understand. "Give yourselves a break, people! I'm all-mighty, and even I took a nap! Lighten up! You can't do everything -- only I can -- so quit trying. You're just going to embarass yourself and make yourself miserable. And I love you, so I don't want to have to see that. Just go watch some 'Petticoat Junction' reruns. The laundry will still be there for you tomorrow."
12 Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.
** So be nice to your parents, and you'll live a long time? I don't really see the correllation (unless one's father own multiple executioner's axes, as mine does), but I can't blame Him for resorting to bribery on this one. Which one of us hasn't fantasized about putting one or both of our parents on an ice flow? But in the spirit of self-interest, Thanksgiving will be a lot more tolerable for everyone if you can just suck it up and humor your drunk, racist father for one meal.
Tune in next time when Sister Mary Wenchie talks about coveting!
August 05, 2011
The Hot, New Thing in P.C.
My current project at work is called Beg People To Give Me Updated Numbers. Lady Boss Vy has a Big Presentation coming up -- involving scripts and rehearsals -- and she is presenting a Big Document. But this Big Document hasn't been updated in five years.
And that's where I come in, throwing myself on the mercy of various and sundry people in the building.
"Can you give me the amount budgeted for 2011 for your section?"
"Can you confirm or deny that this percentage is correct?"
"What's the dollar amount of gifts we've received as of June 30 this year?"
And I'm sure that's exactly what everyone wants to be doing with their time, digging out numerical minutiae for me. I am the bane of my colleagues' existance this week! If you see my name on your phone, just let it go to voicemail or you'll rue the day you answered it!
I also have to check things like up-to-the-minute political correctness.
PW: Rose, I have two columns here where I used to have one. Can you please tell me the difference between African-American and Black? I thought we weren't allowed to say Black anymore, yet here it is on this spreadsheet.
Rose, African-American: Black is American but not from Africa.
PW: How is that possible?
RAA: They could be from Haiti.
PW: Still, aren't all black people from Africa at one point or another? Besides, I think the Haitians are covered under African-Caribbean?
RAA: Where do you see African-Caribbean?
PW: Right here next to African Nationals.
RAA: I ain't never heard of African-Caribbeans.
PW: Well, they are apparently the hot, new thing.
RAA: I guess Black could also be from Australia. You know, the Aborigines.
PW: I'm sure in 2012, they'll be unveiling the Aborigine-American column.
I'm sure our Spanish-speaking brothers and sisters feel left out because, despite there being literally dozens of Spanish-speaking countries, they all get lumped under one column heading -- Hispanic.
PW: [talking to a male co-worker] Jon, where is Hispania?
Jon: What?
PW: Nevermind. This document hasn't been updated since 2006, and I don't think we're saying Hispanic anymore. I think we say Latino, but I'm not sure. Do you know?
Jon: Let us consult the 2011 Company Style Guide.
PW: There's a Company Style Guide? How have I worked here for four years and not known about the Company Style Guide?
Jon: I don't know. Hey, did you know we're not allowed to say Jewess anymore?
PW: What?!
Jon: Yeah, found that in the 2010 Company Style Guide. We're not allowed to call a Jewish woman a Jewess.
PW: Well, crap. Now I'm gonna have to change my business cards.
Jon: Here, I'll show you. [flipping pages]
PW: Dude, I don't have time for your Jewesses! Look up Hispanic!
Jon: Oh my God! It's not even in here! They took the word Jewess out of the Style Guide for 2011!
PW: GET OFF THE JEWESS!
And that's when four peoples' heads popped out of their respective cubicles -- "WHAT?!"
Would you believe me if I told you that we all undergo anti-racism training once a year?
Posted at 06:06 AM | Comments (2)