August 05, 2011
The Hot, New Thing in P.C.
My current project at work is called Beg People To Give Me Updated Numbers. Lady Boss Vy has a Big Presentation coming up -- involving scripts and rehearsals -- and she is presenting a Big Document. But this Big Document hasn't been updated in five years.
And that's where I come in, throwing myself on the mercy of various and sundry people in the building.
"Can you give me the amount budgeted for 2011 for your section?"
"Can you confirm or deny that this percentage is correct?"
"What's the dollar amount of gifts we've received as of June 30 this year?"
And I'm sure that's exactly what everyone wants to be doing with their time, digging out numerical minutiae for me. I am the bane of my colleagues' existance this week! If you see my name on your phone, just let it go to voicemail or you'll rue the day you answered it!
I also have to check things like up-to-the-minute political correctness.
PW: Rose, I have two columns here where I used to have one. Can you please tell me the difference between African-American and Black? I thought we weren't allowed to say Black anymore, yet here it is on this spreadsheet.
Rose, African-American: Black is American but not from Africa.
PW: How is that possible?
RAA: They could be from Haiti.
PW: Still, aren't all black people from Africa at one point or another? Besides, I think the Haitians are covered under African-Caribbean?
RAA: Where do you see African-Caribbean?
PW: Right here next to African Nationals.
RAA: I ain't never heard of African-Caribbeans.
PW: Well, they are apparently the hot, new thing.
RAA: I guess Black could also be from Australia. You know, the Aborigines.
PW: I'm sure in 2012, they'll be unveiling the Aborigine-American column.
I'm sure our Spanish-speaking brothers and sisters feel left out because, despite there being literally dozens of Spanish-speaking countries, they all get lumped under one column heading -- Hispanic.
PW: [talking to a male co-worker] Jon, where is Hispania?
Jon: What?
PW: Nevermind. This document hasn't been updated since 2006, and I don't think we're saying Hispanic anymore. I think we say Latino, but I'm not sure. Do you know?
Jon: Let us consult the 2011 Company Style Guide.
PW: There's a Company Style Guide? How have I worked here for four years and not known about the Company Style Guide?
Jon: I don't know. Hey, did you know we're not allowed to say Jewess anymore?
PW: What?!
Jon: Yeah, found that in the 2010 Company Style Guide. We're not allowed to call a Jewish woman a Jewess.
PW: Well, crap. Now I'm gonna have to change my business cards.
Jon: Here, I'll show you. [flipping pages]
PW: Dude, I don't have time for your Jewesses! Look up Hispanic!
Jon: Oh my God! It's not even in here! They took the word Jewess out of the Style Guide for 2011!
PW: GET OFF THE JEWESS!
And that's when four peoples' heads popped out of their respective cubicles -- "WHAT?!"
Would you believe me if I told you that we all undergo anti-racism training once a year?
Comments
I think you should go down to two columns. White and 'Other' but make sure 'Other' is in quotes. I think that will totally go over well.
Posted by: Hope at August 5, 2011 11:18 AM
Maybe you were saying it wrong.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hispaniola
Posted by: THEASSMAN at August 5, 2011 05:21 PM