August 10, 2011
The First Five Commandments
So for work, sometimes I have to look up Bible verses. Please don't laugh. Yesterday, I came across this one:
“Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” Luke 12:6-7
Um, is that supposed to make me feel better? That I'm worth more than the carriers of avian flu? And who is selling sparrows in Bible times? I can't imagine they are good eating. Unless, back then, they were weird, giant, beginning-of-time, barely post-primordial-ooze sparrows. Those would probably have some meat on them. But they would probably also spit poison or something...
Okay, where was I? Oh, right -- Bible stuff.
My theory is that, much like Captain Jack Sparrow's Pirate Code, which is "really more like guidelines," so, too, are the Ten Commandments. Commandments is such a harsh, tyrranical word, and I don't subscribe to an almighty, omnipotent force that would create flawed creatures only to boss them around and punish them. As if Yahweh were some emotionally-damaged tween.
So let's have a look at Wenchie's Interpretation of the Ten Guidelines, shall we? Get some coffee, pour in a little Bailey's, sit back and enjoy your precursor to an additional thousand years in purgatory. Because if any of this makes sense to you, that is surely what's in store for you.
From the Book of Genesis
[And I'm using the King Jame's Version here because I love a good Thou shalt and Thou shalt not!]
1 And God spake all these words, saying,
2 I am the LORD thy God, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage.
3 Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
** Um, okay, this one IS a little like an emotionally-insecure wife-beater. But I think what God is doing here is just trying to avoid any confusion. Simplify. Pick one god and just be done with it. If you commit to too many gods, pretty soon you'll have hundreds of commandments to follow, and who needs that hassle?
4 Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.
5 Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me;
6 And showing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.
** First of all, "graven" means "carved or sculptured." He has not ruled out SEWN images, you crazy Amish folk, so please put some faces on your dolls. You are creeping out the rest of us. Second, this guideline just goes hand-in-hand with the first one. Don't worship a golden calf, or the Stanley Cup, or your iPhone -- I don't care how fabulous it is. If you do, God will smote your children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. And then who will change your diapers when you're old? No one! They will all hate you for lighting candles by your black velvet Elvis painting and bringing the Lord's smote-yness down on them.
7 Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain; for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.
** Honestly, I've heard many interpretations of this guideline -- some of which would get most of us off the hook -- but I think it comes down to this: politeness. Don't equate the name of the deity who created baby bunnies with the horrible act of stubbing your toe or backing into your neighbor's car. It's just rude.
8 Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.
9 Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work:
10 But the seventh day is the sabbath of the LORD thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates:
11 For in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the LORD blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it.
** Why is God so long-winded about some of these, and other guidelines are just four words? Becaue if we go by word count, I think this is God's favorite guideline. Or maybe this is the one He knew we would all suck at, so He was really specific and used small words so we'd understand. "Give yourselves a break, people! I'm all-mighty, and even I took a nap! Lighten up! You can't do everything -- only I can -- so quit trying. You're just going to embarass yourself and make yourself miserable. And I love you, so I don't want to have to see that. Just go watch some 'Petticoat Junction' reruns. The laundry will still be there for you tomorrow."
12 Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.
** So be nice to your parents, and you'll live a long time? I don't really see the correllation (unless one's father own multiple executioner's axes, as mine does), but I can't blame Him for resorting to bribery on this one. Which one of us hasn't fantasized about putting one or both of our parents on an ice flow? But in the spirit of self-interest, Thanksgiving will be a lot more tolerable for everyone if you can just suck it up and humor your drunk, racist father for one meal.
Tune in next time when Sister Mary Wenchie talks about coveting!
Comments
Well it's 'LORD' Stanley's Cup, so I figure close enough and I'm allowed to worship it anyway :)
Posted by: Adrienne at August 11, 2011 09:10 AM
I eagerly await the next installment. Fabulous!!
Posted by: Liz Podolski at August 12, 2011 07:25 AM