September 30, 2011
Black Heart, White Muzzle
It poured here last weekend, and after taking a particularly long time to decide precisely where in the yard to deposit their poop, the dogs were quite soaked and dog-smelling upon re-entry into my otherwise pristine home. So I pointed to the rug by the back door and told them...
PW: Sit! Stay.
Daisy: WOOF!
Stella: Christ in a kennel!
D: What?
S: Did you just bark at Mommy?!
D: Yeah. So what?
S: You don't bark at Mommy!
D: Why not? Bitch pissed me off.
S: How did she piss you off?
D: Oh, she's always ordering us around. Sit! Stay! Off! Other room! She's so fucking bossy.
S: Dude, it is not smart to bark at the one who feeds you, is all I'm sayin'.
D: What -- like she's not gonna feed me? I'd like to see her try it. I'd just eat one of Daddy's socks, and BAM! There's a thousand dollars in vet bills to keep me from dying. How do ya like that shit, Mommy?
S: Wow. You have really gotten an attitude in your old age.
D: Who are you calling old?!
S: Well, you are nine. And a half.
D: I am middle-aged, at most!
S: No, Daddy's middle-aged. In dog years, you're like... dead.
D: Oh yeah? WOOF!
S: That's some pretty tough smack you're talkin' outta that white muzzle of yours.
D: Hey, you know what?
S: What?
D: You know that patch of rug in the hall? The one that's your favorite spot to sleep on?
S: Yeeeaaahhh...?
D: I scooched my sphincter on it.
S: Bitch.
Comments
My cats talk like this too. They know that they are not supposed to run into the garage, but sometimes the one does. When he gets back inside, I don't really have to scold him because the other cat hisses at him and won't let him near her for an hour. She gets more pissed than I can.
Posted by: JB at October 1, 2011 10:03 PM
This is why we need a second dog.
Posted by: Lori at October 3, 2011 12:30 PM