September 05, 2011

Seriously, Wenchie, What's With You and Shoes Lately?

You wanna know? I'll tell you.

1. I need shoes for work. More than one pair. Because I'm not wearing my Danskos or my granny boots there anymore. [Yes, Heather, I know you are cringing. But at least I'm not wearing them to work, right? Are you gonna be okay?]

2. To the surprise of no one, I am picky as hell. I absolutely will not wear any shoe that doesn't feel like a slipper. I am just too friggin' old, and I don't need one more thing making me crabby.

3. Zappos has free shipping BOTH WAYS. And zero tax, which is pretty important when you live in a place where the sales tax is 10%. So it's like bringing the shoe store to me! Who could resist?!

For instance, who could resist these?

Do patent leather shoes really reflect up?

Patent leather penny loafers with a 1-1/2 inch heel by Anne Klein! So naughty-Catholic-schoolgirl cute! So exactly-what-I-was-looking-for! Sadly, they were squashing me like Spanx for feet.

Oh, did I not mention? I have wide feet. Flippers, if you will. I'm practically a mermaid. Yet another reason to shop at Zappos -- I can automatically see only those shoes that come in wide sizes! Like these!

These boots are made for walkin'... a little.

Black boots to wear with my long black skirt. And my long dark grey skirt. Don't worry -- I will not be wearing the brown knee-socks with either skirt.

Say, have I posted these, yet?

Betty Draper calling!

These are the 50s hostess slippers that I wore to Older Step Daughter's wedding. And no, that is not authentic harvet gold carpeting from the 50s. It's the carpeting at work from the 2000s. Sad, huh?

Speaking of work, wore these a few weeks ago when I knew that no one else would be around and I would be on my feet all day.

Croc Roc!

Believe me -- my hips thanked me for it later! They actually sent me a thank-you card and were terribly miffed when my knees outdid them by sending me flowers. What kind? Why, Lady Slippers, natch!

Anyhoo, I routinely do searches on Zappos for Penny Loafers and Spectator Shoes. And then I narrow down the searches to Platforms and pray for something without stillettos. One day last week, I was rewarded with these!

How do you shoe a problem like Maria?

Platform spectator shoes in black leather! The answer to all my prayers! Who cares that they're $180?! Of course, I ordered them! And know what? They felt like slippers! God be praised!

I put them on and ran through the house singing Alleluias! Lo, I posted them on high (on FaceBook) and invited others to behold the wonder that was the perfect shoes! I'm sure they are replicas of the shoes that Mary Magdalene wore when she danced with Jeebus at the wedding at Cana!

Which may be why they led everyone I know to cruelly and callously tell me that they look like nun shoes. GAWD, you people are mean! You know who you are!

I sent them back. But not without a heavy heart.

To clear the air of bad ju-ju, I give you these photos of cool Barbie shoes.

Barbie has some kick-ass shoes.

Barbie can wear these because she's on her back more than she's on her feet anyway.

More Barbie shoes.

Ha ha, Heather! Your giant man-feet will never fit into these! That'll teach you to keep your wimple remarks to yourself!

Posted on September 5, 2011 03:17 PM

Comments

OMG this post is so fucking terrific! I think all your shoes are ugly as hell and then you sugar it up with sexy Barbie shoes.
Do you drive a Cadillac?

Posted by: Stacey at September 5, 2011 07:00 PM

but then you wouldn't be able to laugh as I tell you I found three pairs of barbie shoes at the drag queen outlet store! 5"DVF Clogs! For Men!!! and for me!

Posted by: heather at September 6, 2011 11:49 AM

Um, no, Stacey, I don't drive a Cadillac. And I have no idea what that has to do with my ugly-as-hell shoes. I'm so confused now! However, your comment did make me laugh out loud, and that's all that matters.

Posted by: Wenchie at September 10, 2011 07:53 AM

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