October 20, 2011
Special Spinner
Stella is a spinner. No, not that kind of spinner! Sickos. I mean, she just... spins. She's kind of "special," in the way that "special" politely denotes "retarded."
So this is my Every Day After Work Routine. I come home, put my keys and my purse on the kitchen table, and say to to the dogs...
PW: Who wants to go outside?
Dogs: WE DO!
Daisy: I have to pee so bad!
Stella: Yeah. Thanks for drinking all the water, ya hog.
Da: Get bent.
PW: [opens back door] Go in back! [that's code for "Go to your designated part of the yard and relieve yourselves."]
Da: Gottapeegottapeegottapee. [goes in back]
PW: Stella, go in back.
St: No, thanks.
PW: That wasn't an invitation, it was an order.
St: Yeah, I think I'll wait here on the patio.
PW: Go in back!
St: I don't like to go while she's going.
PW: You lick her butt!
St: This is completely different!
Da: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh. Much better.
PW: Stella! In back!
St: Wait, she still has to poop.
PW: How do you know?
St: Because she always has to poop.
PW: True dat.
Da: Hmmm, where shall I place my precious cargo? Here? Or here? Or over here? Maybe here? No, I think I liked the first place better. But over there looks nice...
PW: JUST GO!
Da: Don't yell! It creeps back up when you yell.
PW: Oh, for God's sake.
St: Are we going to get a treat when we go back inside?
PW: Yes, if I don't die of old age first.
Da: Done!
St: Did you seriously say True dat?
PW: Yes. Now go in back.
St: It sounds stupid when you say it.
PW: IN BACK!
St: Fine. Sheesh. [walks towards the back of the yard] Hey, what's this?
PW: IN BACK!
St: Oh yeah. Hey, what's this?
PW: Stop smelling things and go potty!
St: Oh right. I forgo--Hey, what's this?
PW: I'm gonna leave you out here.
St: Fine, fine. But don't watch. [starts spinning]
PW: I have to watch, to make sure that it happens. This is my life.
St: [still spinning] Almost... almost...
PW: Seriously, what's with the spinning?
St: I have to get it in just the right spot.
PW: You've spun around four times now.
St: It's still not quite right...
PW: You're not quite right.
St: Six... seven...
PW: You know, other dogs don't do this.
St: Nine... ten...
PW: Admit it -- you just like to spin.
St: Twelve... thirteen...
PW: JUST GO POTTY!
Da: Mom, the neighbors can hear you.
PW: I don't care! She's a freak!
St: Done! [runs to the back door]
PW: Wow. Fourteen. I think that's a personal record for you.
Da: Yeah, congratulations.
St: I just like to get it right!
Da: Mom, can dogs have O.C.D.?
PW: Probably.
Da: Hmmmm, I wonder where she get's that?
PW: Shut up. No treat for you.
St: True dat.