December 08, 2011
Two More Sisters-at-Heart
To make up for last Thursday's barfiness -- because my life is nothing if not a perfectly balanced Jenga game of zen -- last Friday, I found much in common with two new women in my life. The stories go thusly.
So you know that I work for a religious organization that shall remain nameless. And you know -- or should -- that my cubicle is actually a stone's throw from the office of the Grand Poobah. Like, the Pope's equivalent in our religion (except that our Grand Poobah doesn't wear a pointy hat or red slippers).
On Friday, we had our Department Christmas Luncheon. I would say about 27 of the 33 employees in our department actually attended. Which is less than I expected when I searched on people's calendars, but some people don't keep up their calendars. So they missed out on BBQ Beef Brisket and Twice Baked Mashed Potatoes. Nyah.
Also in attendence was the Grand Poobah's wife, which isn't unusual. She has to put up with a husband who works about a 70 hour work week and travels 66% of the time, so we try to include her when we can.
It had been a whole years since all of us had been together in the same room (yeah, cohesive teamwork is not our forte), and there have been probably five or so new hires in the past several months. So we did that dumb thing -- at the Grand Poobah's request -- where you go around the room and introduce yourself and say what you do.
"Hi, I'm Bob from Accounting."
"Hi, I'm Wenchie, and I work for Lady Boss."
"Hi, I'm HR Troll #1, and I'm personally responsible for hiring each and every one of you. No pressure."
And then it was Mrs. Poobah's turn, and she didn't skip a beat, "Hi, I'm Wendy, and I sleep with the Grand Poobah."
Yeah, I actually did the gay man's gasp with my hand to my mouth. And then I died, and when my life flashed before my eyes, there were no regrets because I had been an eye-witness to the funniest thing ever said on earth. But then Jeebus told me it wasn't really "my time," yet, so I had to go back.
When I got back to this plane of existance, the Grand Poopbah was blushing and fanning himself with a napkin. It was another five minutes or so before any semblance of order was brought back to the room. Meanwhile, Mrs. Poobah just sat there, looking around nonchalantly, smiling a little bit to herself, pleased as punch at all the chaos she'd caused.
And it was then that the Holy Spirit washed over me, and I was absolved of all wrong-doings and every stupid thing I'd ever said because THE GRAND POOBAH'S WIFE HAS AN EVEN LESS EFFECTIVE BRAIN-TO-MOUTH FILTER THAN I DO!!!
God be praised!
The Grand Poobah's only comment? "Well, that'll get around the building in a hurry."
Yes, it will! And you're welcome.
And that night, I had a date with one of the Big Player Rockstars on the Christian scene. No, not a member of a Christian rock band. I'm talking about someone who is face-meltingly important on the world's religious stage. Seriously, she is so amazing, she shouldn't even be talking to mere mortal Wenchie.
But she's friendly and down-to-earth. She is kind of neurotic and confesses it openly. She's eight years younger than me and the mother of a toddler. When she calls a meeting, the men at the table are wearing black dresses and long beards and big crosses. And...?
She was looking for someone who would go see "Breaking Dawn Part I" with her. You guys, I almost wept with joy. This chick is sooooooo awesome, and I really want to hang with her, but I figured she'd automatically be hanging with the likes of Lady Boss and Grand Poobah and such. So here was my IN! What other total dumbshit moron would go see a Twilight movie with her! NO ONE! Hee hee! I'm the only person on my entire floor with standards so low that I read tween novels and watch tween movies simply because everyone else is doing it!
And now, Heather is like, "What the fuck? You already saw Breaking Dawn! With me! Are you cheating on me?!"
I understand that it may look like cheating, but here's why it's not:
1. I saw the movie with Heather first.
2. I didn't do my nails beforehand.
3. I wore all mis-matched clothes -- purple sweater over a black t-shirt, jeans, navy socks, and brown shoes. A fashion disaster, which I would never wear for Heather.
4. I had no cleavage showing, and my hair wasn't down.
5. Technically, Christian Rockstar got sloppy seconds, dear. You have nothing to fear.
But yes, okay, while I'm not a movie adultress, I do have to cop to being stupid enough to pay TWICE to see a horrible movie TWICE. And I still couldn't figure out what emotions Kristen Stewart was trying to convey through her dead eyes and seemingly Botoxed facial features.
But it was worth it. Rockstar thinks I'm cool because we both laughed in all the same places (and while the rest of the audience was silent), AND? She secretly loves Hello Kitty! I'm going to have to have her pick me up next time, so she can come in and see my collection of Hello Kitty Barbies.
Which would be a great opening line to some lesbian porn -- "Hey, you wanna come to my room and see my collection of Hello Kitty Barbies?" -- except the lesbians that I know would break out in hives at the very thought.
So, in summary, we have two new recruits for my crew -- one has no brain-to-mouth filter and routinely embarasses her big, important husband, and the other loves crappy tween movies and Hello Kitty. I'm sure all of those qualities will be very useful on a pirate ship.