January 13, 2012
Cancer vs. Stench
My dear colleagues,
Thank you for putting up with my experiment, lo, these many months. Oh, c'mon, you know what experiment I'm talking about. The one that has made me smell like the monkey house at the zoo. It hasn't been easy for you, I know, but you've borne it like real troopers. Troopers of tolerance and graciousness.
I was scared, I'll admit. Having two women in my department both come down with breast cancer in the span of six months -- that scared the crap out of me. What if breasts on my floor were being targeted for some reason? What could I do to make sure that mine weren't next?
I decided that I would switch to an all-natural deodorant. After all, putting aluminum and God-knows-what-else on the skin right next to my boobs every, single day was probably not a good idea in the long run.
Oh, sure, I could have chosen to go off the pill or start eating more vegetables, in order to try to stave off cancer. But I'm on the pill for medical reasons (NO, REALLY!), and vegetables are yucky. Switching to an all-natural, non-metal-based deodorant was the obvious choice, since it would make the smallest impact on my hedonistic lifestyle.
First, I tried some fancy-schamncy stuff I got on Sephora, brand name: Clean. Sounds good, right? Clean! It's everything I want, right in the name! I want my pits to smell clean, and my hooters to remain clean of cancer. Yeah, well, Clean made me smell like a bus station by 10:00 a.m. Seriously, the smell was worse than if I'd worn nothing to protect the environment from my b.o.! I must have some sort of supernatural body chemistry that does not behave like a normal human body.
Then I tried Trader Joe's brand. Okay, I'll give Joe the win in that I didn't smell as bad as a Frenchman. However, it still wasn't a good idea to be around me once the afternoon rolled around. I am a super-villian, and stench is my weapon! Fear my fecundity!
One last attempt -- LAVANILA, another all-natural brand that I found on Sephora. I was so hopeful. It has VANILA right in the name! I would smell like a cupcake! A cupcake being eaten by a unicorn on a sunny beach! And I will say that, while it was no unicorn chow, it was the best of the three that I tried, but again -- no match for my otherworldly sweat.
So, my friends, I went back to Secret. Any air wafting past my pits to your nostrils will be Powder Fresh. You're welcome. I hope you're happy. Please come visit me when I get cancer because I'm doing this for YOU.
Love, Wenchie
Comments
LOL, I can't believe you did an entire post about your armpits! I have to use the Prescription Strength Dove/Secret or it doesn't last and I lay around a lot.
A friend of mine uses Lavender spray from the coop. But one day she accidentally sprayed her bottle of peppermint. I called her Peppermint Pits all day. She claims the lavender works and it's all natural. She's a stylist so she is moving quite a bit and close to people. No smell, but maybe she doesn't get stinky.
Posted by: Hope at January 13, 2012 12:03 PM