September 18, 2007
Lederhosen
I'm sure this has happened to you. Somehow, I ended up with two pairs of lederhosen for my vintage Ken doll. In my quest to piece together the vintage outfit entitled "Ken in Switzerland," I must have gotten overzealous and forgotten what I had. Who hasn't, right?
It occurred to me that I could put both Ken and Allan in matching lederhosen... but there are some things in this world that are just too gay, even for me. So I decided to sell one pair on eBay, surprise surprise.
While the auction was active, someone sent me a question regarding the lederhosen:
Is this a costume?
Actually, it was more like:
is this a costume
But I was adding punctuation and grammar to make reading easier for you, my most learned and anal-retentive audience. (Twitchy, I'm lookin' at you.)
Now that I think about it, the lack of such basic writing skills is in perfect harmony with the ridiculousness of the question.
Is this a costume? As opposed to... what? Business attire? Swimwear? Ken's Sunday best?
Perhaps he's unclear on Ken's motivation to wear the lederhosen. Was Ken wanting to fit in with the local Switzerlandians? Did he bring them home and wear them in role-playing games with Barbie? Or did he star in Skipper's production of "Sound of Music?"
Dude, it's lederhosen for an 11" doll. Ken is not a real person. He never went to Switzerland. I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE QUESTION!!!
So I didn't answer it. Someone that stupid wouldn't know how to use PayPay anyway, so screw him.
Posted at 04:39 PM | Comments (0)June 20, 2007
Saving Seats
Look out, bitches. There's a new Silkstone in town. And she's a redhead!
For years, I had been content with having just three Silkstones. One of each flavor -- strawberry, chocolate and vanilla. Neopolitan naughtiness. Three fit very well on my little shelf.
But when I came across one for $25 at a doll show -- well, my darlings, you just don't pass up that kind of bargain. But my little shelf is getting crowded.
They hate her soooooooooooooo much.
When she came over and asked to sit at their table for lunch, they were all like, "Oh, sorry, we're saving this seat for Legally Blond Barbie." But she new damn well that Legally Blond Barbie was eating with Calvin Klein Barbie and the Juicy Couture Barbies.
Posted at 04:31 PM | Comments (1)March 20, 2007
Good Morning, Bitches!
Here's a photo op I noticed the other morning. It's some of the girls sporting The Millicent Roberts Collection, the light of the dawn coming in through my office window.
Artsy-fartsy, no?
Actually, they look more like a Barbie line-up. Someone's been out shopping with Winona Ryder again!
If you love Native American barbie dolls, you may also be intrigued by the history of Native American dolls and many other Native American cultural items and interesting American Indian history in depth.
Posted at 08:22 AM | Comments (1)
October 31, 2006
Rockin' the Frocks
Well, the girls threw a hissy when I told them it was time to change out of their summer frocks. I think they just like saying frock. They were making frock jokes even as they were kicking their shoes off.
You don't see a lot of women wearing hats nowadays.
I made them change into their Halloween costumes.
Yes, that's a riding crop she's holding. She wanted to be a pirate, but I told her that everyone is going to be a pirate this year.
The one in the middle is a French Maid Who Wears Her Mistress' Jewelry While Her Employers Are Away At Another Charity Ball.
The blonde is a... Madam at a Chinese Brothel. I guess. I don't know -- she just really wanted to wear that dress.
Me? I'm gonna put on real clothes, maybe a little make-up, and be a Normal, Healthy Person for Halloween. Not a very creative costume, but it's about all I can muster after the week I've had.
Happy 'Ween, my little treats!
Posted at 01:56 PM | Comments (1)October 30, 2006
(CR)Happy Birthday to Me!
Well, it's Day Six of The Birthday Illness, and I'm getting better... slowly. I have to give major props to Husband, who bent over backwards to keep my birthday from sucking completely.
He baked me a birthday cake! After I showed him where the electric mixer was, and the round cake pans. And the eggs. And he now knows how to tell if a cake is done baking using only a toothpick and a well-trained eye!
He did a lovely job frosting the cake -- chocolate, natch -- and once the cake was completely covered, he was like, "What do I do with the leftover frosting?"
"Leftover frosting?" What the hell is leftover frosting?
I'm like, "Dude! There's no such thing as leftover frosting! You just keep frosting the cake until the frosting is all gone! Frosting is NEVER leftover! Were you raised by wolves?!" And so forth.
He even got me Barbie glitter candles and insisted upon lighting them and singing for me. Awwwwwwwwwwww.
He also went and got my favorite dish from my favorite restaurant -- bowtie pasta with vodka sauce from Graziano's. And as a gift, he got me...
AN IPOD!!!!
It's pink! And it's sooooooooo kewl! Thank God I'm home sick so I can figure out how to work the dang thing!
Now I need a Coach iPod carrying case.
Anyhoo, being stuck at home with barely enough energy to properly dispose of all my snot-laden kleenex, it's been the perfect time to sit in front of the t.v. and change clothes on all the Barbies. And it's about time, too, because it's October, for Pete's sake, and some of them are still in tank tops and hootchie skirts!
First, I dressed Jenny (Japan's version of Barbie) and her similarly-proportioned friends:
It's a wonder I'm not in prison, isn't it?
Then I did all fifteen Fashion Avenue Barbies:
Or as I call them, Fashion Victim Barbies.
Aren't they an ethnicly diverse group? But I couldn't fit all fifteen of them in the photo, so Miss J made them walk a catwalk made of Jello, and the winner got to pick three friends to be in my photoshoot.
The other eleven are pissed. Drew poured a beer in Christie's weave.
Posted at 01:09 PM | Comments (0)September 07, 2006
Gunter Gets Shot Down
August 30, 2006
After the Tea Ceremony...
August 02, 2006
She's Not a French Maid, She's a Freedom Maid
July 17, 2006
Hey, Baby, Do Those Legs Go Aaaaaaalllllll the Way Up?
Don't die, Hope! I can give you a reason to live!
See, a while back, Nikki asked me if they make thigh-highs for Barbie.
And the answer to her question is, of course...
Awwwwww, hell, yeah!
Over the weekend, I was fortunate enough to catch The Bitches on their way to open call auditions for "Caberet," and they were more than happy to vogue a bit for me.
(Funny how can I remember to fulfill a reader's request for Barbie thigh-highs, but I can't seem to get around to blogging about The Fate of Molly, or Indian Princesses, or Wenchie's Summer Surgery '03.)
(And speaking of remembering, GARRANCE, have you come up with your List of Demands, yet?)
Posted at 01:42 PM | Comments (3)June 29, 2006
Even Barbies Get Self-Conscious
I have not one damn thing to do at work today. Okay, not entirely true -- I filed four pieces of paper for Chick Boss, and I have to enter five checks that came in. But you can see how it'd be easy to mistake that for not one damn thing to do, no?
Yesterday was the same way, so I spent the better part of my day snort-giggling over the sheer comic genius of Alien Loves Predator. So much so that I sent a link to Husband, who ALSO thought it was funny. Which now brings the total of Things Husband And I Agree Are Funny up to a whopping three.
1. Kathy Griffin
2. Farting and/or Pooping
3. Alien Loves Predator
Last night, Husband was still singing the praises of A.L.P., when he said to me, "You should do that with your Barbies! You already take pictures of them for your blog, right?"
Oh my God. I could TOTALLY DO THAT!!!
Wait. Could I?
Well, I'm practically doing it already, just on a smaller scale. And I'm funny, right? Take photos, add captions -- BINGO!
So I ran the idea past Heather this morning, and we were reduced to puddles of pee while exploring the possibilities. I'm really jazzed about the whole thing, and I was considering feigning "female trouble" to The Boss in order to buy myself an unquestioned day off.
But I figure I should start small and see if I have any sort of penchant for this sort of thing. And small means I can get started using what limited resources I have available to me at work.
And you know what I discovered? Cartooning is HARD. Dude, I am so not funny! But with the help of Heather, the Barbie Collector Website and many, many hours of idle boredom, I came up with a few that I'm not too ashamed to include here.
Nope, I was wrong. I am ashamed.
Posted at 02:28 PM | Comments (3)June 28, 2006
469 on Thee eBay
I think I've mentioned before that I eBay a little. Okay, I eBay a lot! (Is eBay a verb?) I was going to write about how geeky I am when my feedback hit 300, but that moment came and went rapidly. Now I'm at 469, and 300 is like Pfft, 300 is for pussies. I'll blog it when I hit triple digits.
Anyhoo, whenever I list stuff, I always send Heather a link cuz she likes to point and laugh at the crazy lady who tries to add a little humor to her eBay photos and descriptions. When she saw this one, she insisted that I blog it. And I always do what Heather says. (That's my story, and, under the advice of my lawyer, I'm sticking to it.)
Heather has entitled this photo "What up, bitches!"
The doll was not actually for sale -- the auction was for the nightie. But it just looks so naughty on, I had to have PJ model it. Seriously, Mattel sold this outfit to little girls in 1962. And people complain that Bratz dolls are too trampy? Fugly, yes, but trampier than this? No one out-tramps a Barbie, bucko!
(Golly, when did I start channelling Richie Cunningham?)
And since we're doing Barbie, I had to include this one as well.
I call it, "Who has balls? Oh, nevermind -- I do."
Dude, you'd better hit those tennis balls right at Barbie because if she has to run around to hit them and breaks a sweat, she's going to come right over that net and give you a beating that would make Alexis Carrington cringe! That skirt didn't pleat itself!
Posted at 01:58 PM | Comments (5)June 15, 2006
Barbies 'n' Beige
Photo spread today because I'm moonlighting at work. Doing a PowerPoint presentation for a co-worker's husband, for which I'm being paid. Haven't decided how much, yet, 'though...
Anyhoo, it took much searching and toil on eBay to finally bring together this vintage vacation-in-Holland look for Midge and Allan (Barbie and Ken's best friends, duh):
And since that small glimpse of my desk no doubt left you wanting to see more, here's where the magic happens:
Now you know why some of my posts are so uninspired. Could there BE any more beige?!
Posted at 04:00 PM | Comments (5)May 31, 2006
From the Sublime to the Obscene
And speaking of Barbies and fashion (it is really a wonder that any man reads this blog), just thought I'd show you what the ladies are wearing this season. And I do use the term ladies very loosely here, as the blonde seems to be perpetually sporting the Just-Fucked Look.
The rest of the crew, however, aren't quite so tasteful:
Yes, it's vintage lingerie time in Wenchie's office. My underthings, however, are brand new, thankyouverymuch.
This is the stuff they were selling to little girls in the 1960's. Not collectors, not perverts -- white-bread, Howdy-Doody, sugar-n-spice little girls. I get such a kick outta that, I gotta tell ya.
Husband pointed to the third from the right and said, "She's my favorite." Eep!
And... that's all I got. Today is pretty much a wash. I spent much of the day trying to lower my blood pressure via chocolate, as the color printer has chosen me as its sworn enemy.
I'll try to be more interesting tomorrow. But -- no surprise -- I'm not making any promises.
Posted at 02:00 PM | Comments (2)May 26, 2006
Some Things Never Change
Check out the new Barbie Fashion Model Collection available in 2006.
From left to right: Stewardess, Teacher, Waitress, Nurse, French Maid.
On Mattel's official Barbie website, they claim that this series of dolls "celebrates the working woman." One fishnet at a time.
I was a waitress for seven years, and I don't ever remember celebrating it.
A little memo from me to you, Mattel -- the Flight Attendants of the world would like to welcome you to the twenty-first century. They stopped being called Stewardesses in 1977.
It's not that I mind the outfits. Let's be honest -- they're totally freakin' adorable, and I want every single one of them. But did you have to say "celebrates the working woman?" Really? In 2006, is this what we still think of when we hear the words working woman?
Couldn't you have included something like Civil Rights Lawyer or Paramedic? I'm sure you, Mattel, in your infinate tackiness, could have found some way to make them hot 'n' trashy. I'd like to assume that these are coming out in 2007, but I'm sure I'll be greeted only by Secretary and Lifeguard.
Which I will buy.
I hate you, Mattel.
Posted at 01:43 PM | Comments (5)May 02, 2006
Another Sick Look Into My eBay Life
Things I Won Recently On eBay That Should Be Arriving at My House Any Day Now
1. A teak, tealight candle holder from Pottery Barn. I will put my handpainted Ukranian eggs in it for next Easter. (Eggs also won on eBay.) I'll show Husband who does Easter decorations!!!
2. The JAQUA line of Buttercream Frosting body lotion, hand lotion and lip gloss from Bath & Body Works (discontinued). I will smell like cake! My lips will taste like buttercream frosting! Who wants a smooch? Not all at once!
3. The clogs to Barbie's vintage Holland outfit, which is now complete, and she will be wearing very soon! To work! (I already have Ken's outfit!) They'll be on my desk next week, when all the CEOs are in town for some pow-wow.
4. Philosophy's 3-in-1 Shampoo, Conditioner and Body Wash in White Chocolate Hazelnut (discontinued). I already have Pumpkin Pie, Egg Nog, Vanilla Birthday Cake and Cinnamon Bun. I'm a dessert table! (The title of my first book will be I Like To Smell Like Food.)
5. The CD soundtrack from "The Triplets of Belleville." Go here, scroll down, listen to "Belleville Rendez-Vous" (English or French), and tell me you are able to get that damn song outta your head. It's just not possible!
6. NARS matte eyeshadow in New York (plum brown). Way cheaper to test it out in the store and then buy it off eBay. And eggplant-colored eyeshadow makes my eyes look so blue, instead of their usual blue-green-gray-meh.
7. The Teacher Barbie Fashion Model outfit (sans doll) for one of the Silkstone bitches to wear. Hot for teacher!
Now, what do all these things say about me? They pretty much say that I live no where near any sort of reality. Huh. Bitchen!
Posted at 01:27 PM | Comments (4)February 14, 2006
A Valentine's Day Poem
Barbies are red,
Balls are blue,
These babes are hittin' it,
But not with you.
February 02, 2006
Helen
Gather 'round, boys and girls. Today, I'm going to tell you the story of Helen.
In March of 1996, I married my Future Ex-Husband (FEH for short). As yet unaware of the crippling poverty his drinking would soon bring us, I happily agreed to and planned a 10-day trip to the Smokey Mountains for our honeymoon.
We rented a secluded log cabin in the hills, with a fireplace and outdoor jacuzzi -- very romantic. March isn't exactly tourist season in that area, so lots of places were closed until April. Also, the county we were in was dry. As in NO BOOZE. So we had to get creative with what we did to fill our time. Me -- I slept twelve hours a day.
Not very creative, but much needed, after the anxiety of planning a wedding. Other creative activities included petting cows on the side of the road, visiting a quilt shop on the top of a mountain, and counting how many refridgerators and/or recliners we saw on front porches.
Much of the time, we just drove around. Mountains are a big, fuckin' deal when you live on the flatest surface of the planet. It's like, when God was making Earth, he dropped it, and it landed Illinois-side-down.
Anyhoo, one day while I was sleeping in, FEH got really freakin' bored and went off exploring on his own. Which is fine, since it made the cabin quieter, and he wasn't poking me in the back with FEH Jr.
He was back by the time I woke up, and he had a present for me. Gleeeee! Love prezzies! It was a beautiful antique doll in her original dress and shoes! Not mint condition -- she had a few cracks around one eye -- but that's how he was able to afford her.
Now, at that point, I was still years away from the massive Barbie army I have now. However, I had (and still have) several dolls that were my mother's, which I've always displayed lovingly, including two Storybook dolls and a very old Raggedy Ann. So an antique doll was a very sweet and thoughtful gift.
I hated that thing from the moment I saw it.
I looked at her face and thought, "I really don't want this doll."
I told myself that I was being an idiot; it was just the cracks around her eye that made her look a little off. I was just being stupid and superficial, and I should be able to look past that to the beautiful and heartwarming gift that she was. I hugged FEH and thanked him profusely.
He asked me what I was going to name her, and I decided on Helen, which was the name of the 106-year old lady on top of the mountain, from whom we had bought a GORGEOUS quilt, sewed entirely by her 106-year old hands.
So we went about our day. And, as so often happens, day was followed by night, which induced a feeling of sleepiness (even though I'd only been up for 12 hours). We went up to our bedroom, and there was Helen, standing on the dresser.
Now, granted, I'm a weird bird. We currently have three Gene dolls, a plush moose, and half a dozen carved folk-art Santas in our bedroom. When I was a teen-ager, I had countless Tiger Beat posters on my walls and a stuffed animal collection. And you all know about the 100+ Barbies that presently fill three IKEA shelves floor to ceiling.
Point is, I've never had any trouble sleeping with beady, soulless eyes staring at me.
Until Helen.
I couldn't sleep with her watching me, anymore than I could tolerate Chuckie, the clown from "Poltergeist," or *shudder* one of those damned sock monkeys.
Helen had those weighted eyes that close when you lay the doll down, so that's exactly what I did. And I babbled something like, "Helen has to go to bed, too." Hoping that FEH would find it adorably charming and not delusionally paranoid.
We laid in bed, and FEH goes, "You laid her down because you don't want her looking at you."
Pause. "Yeah."
"You don't like her, do you?"
Pause. "No."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm going to wake-up in the middle of the night to find her cold, dead eyes glittering in the dark, and every time I look at her, she's going to be a little closer to me, until finally she's on the bed with a knife at my throat."
"Wenchie, you have dolls and stuffed animals all over our room at home."
"I know. But this one's evil."
FEH thought about that for a moment. He knew I believe in ghosts and aliens and paranormal shit, but he also knew that I'd never claimed to have witnessed any of these things, nor did I ever hope to.
"You wanna take her back in the morning?" he asked.
"Can we?"
"Sure."
"I'm really sorry. She's a gorgeous doll! She's just... possessed or something. I don't know. I just don't want her near me."
"You want me to put her in the car?"
"In the trunk. It's harder for her to escape."
Uh-huh, we actually had that conversation. About an inanimate object.
The next morning, as promised, we drove to the antique store where FEH had bought the doll. The old guy at the counter explained that he sold on consignment, and while he couldn't give us our money back for the doll, we could buy something from the same seller.
I ended up with a beautiful antique doll bed, which I still have to this day because it isn't possessed by the souls of the children it killed. We got the bed packed up and were all set to leave when the old guy told us that that was the third time that doll had been returned.
"One time, from outta state, and they didn't even ask for their money back."
Well, I about crapped my pants. He and I just looked at each other for a moment. He knew that damn thing was haunted! And he sold it anyway! Well, I couldn't exactly blame him for wanting to get rid of it.
Was he messing with us? It's possible. If he was, he had the best damn poker face in the world. But it's certainly possible. Still, I felt vindicated -- I wasn't the only person to hate that doll! I'm not crazy!
When I attend doll shows now, it's not without some apprehension. I'm not afraid of all dolls. I'm just afraid that Helen will turn up on one of those shelves, seeking revenge for the night she spent in a cold, dark car trunk in the middle of March. Like the cold, dark grave she belongs in!
I can't include a photo of Helen because I didn't take any. If I had, I'm sure they either wouldn't have developed, or there'd be other shit in the photos, like floating, shadowy figures standing right next to her even though there was no one else in the room.
I am not going to be able to sleep tonight.
Posted at 01:22 PM | Comments (3)January 17, 2006
So Many Martinis, So Little Time
Here are The Bitches of Eastwick in their New Year's Eve couture.
Note that the one in the middle is still wearing what she wore to work on Friday, December 30th. Note, also, that she has a purse in which to stow her bra and/or panties. 'Cuz bitch ain't goin' home until Sunday afternoon!
The brunette is all, "Roses, hmm? I'm still not putting that thing in my mouth."
The blonde has been drunk since Wednesday.
Posted at 02:25 PM | Comments (5)November 24, 2005
Thanksgiving Photo Gallery
Brace yourself -- here's my Thanksgiving centerpiece.
Yeah, it's a little... busy. But hey, can you ever have too many gourds? I think not! We're not actually having Thanksgiving dinner at our house, but I like to set the table according to the season, regardless. I change it every month -- tablecloth, placemats, candles, bric-a-brack. I should do a montage for you guys sometime, in case you still have a shred of respect for me.
This is my dollie, Marie. She used to live at my Gramma's house, but when Gramma died, I got to keep her.
My friend Joe (of Barbie fame) sews doll clothes and made me a whole slew of clothes for her, including a little 7-piece Witch/Pilgrim/Nun ensemble. Just change a couple accessories and voila! A whole new costume! Yes, I change her clothes every month, too. What? My shrink said it's good to have hobbies!
These are a couple of things I'm thankful for this year, but I can't say them at dinner this evening because you're supposed to say stuff like "continued good health" and "all the loved ones gathered around this table" blah blah blah.
From left to right: From Philosophy, Ultra Rich Shampoo, Conditioner and Body Wash, Cinnamon Buns scent; Frango Candy Cane Chocolates; Beanpod Soy Candle, Sugar Cookie scent. (Beanpod Candles give off no soot when they burn!) My life is richer because they're in it.
My contribution to the Thanksgiving feast.
In less than an hour, these docile-looking ingredients will become that treasured culinary favorite -- Green Bean Casserole!
Now who could resist this face?
I could, especially when there's stuffing involved.
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving, people. And remember, today is the day the police get the highest number of domestic disturbance calls. Guns don't kill people -- holidays do. God bless.
Posted at 11:04 AM | Comments (5)October 30, 2005
Pretty In Pink
Yeah, I was bored.
Posted at 10:21 AM | Comments (2)October 26, 2005
It's Berry Awesome!
I've been wanting to post about my Adventures in eBaying for a while now, but I was afraid that someone would find my auctions, then bid on and win something cheap, just to find out my real name and address and stalk me. Because, really, who wouldn't buy some piece of crap they don't want, just to find out a smidgeon of info on me?
Besides, it's finally gotten cold enough at night that Heather has stopped showing up drunk at my bedroom window at 3 a.m. -- I don't need another reason to turn on the hose.
So this post is about the many, many smelly, vapid-faced Strawberry Shortcake dolls I auctioned off recently. And while I'm thinking about 80's cartoon-and-toy icons, I have to tell you guys -- Mom's cell phone has as one of the ringtone options... THE SMURF THEME SONG! Laaa Laaa La-La La Laaaa, Laa La-La La Laaaaaaaaa! Swear to God! I'm so jealous!
Anyhoo, when not reading the LOST and America's Next Top Model recaps, I've been selling Strawberry Shortcake dolls for a friend on eBay. And as my level of nausea increased, so did The Obnoxious Factor in my description of those sweet, little dollies.
Take, for example, Huckleberry Pie.
About whom I wrote:
This is Huckleberry Pie and Pupcake, token male of Strawberryland and instigater of many girlie catfights, I would reckon.In the interest of full disclosure: He comes with his hat, which is a bit scuffed on top. Pupcake says 1982 on the bottom. His clothes are clean and intact.
I just noticed that he's wearing two different shoes. How odd. They're both brown and the same shape, but one is a little lighter and has hearts on it. Won't Strawberry be upset when she finds out her boyfriend has a little cross-dressing habit?!
Anyhoo, face paint is flawless on both boy and dog, and he still smells, well, presumably, like a huckleberry, altho' I have no idea what a huckleberry actually smells like.
Now, clearly, little Huck is gay. Well, I'm not sure any self-respecting gay man would wear overalls, but surely he's a little confused about his gender because he's the only guy that stuck around for the Eternal Tea Party & Fruity Perfume Expo that Strawberry Shortcake seems to be all about.
But I imagine that anyone collecting Strawberry Shortcake dolls is not the kind of person who wants to hear my jaded assessment of their beloved childhood friends. I also imagine that they have lots of cats and knit little outfits for them. And all the cats have names like Mrs. Sipsy Dimpleton and Lord Bootsie of Hackupafurballshire. And they are not the kind of people amused by my sick sense of humor. In fact, they thought "Anne of Green Gables" was a little racey and wrote heated letters about it to PBS. (I think about this way too much.)
Anyhoo, this is Purple Pie Man, Strawberry Shortcake's archnemesis and Hater of All Things Pure and Good and True.
I just couldn't auction this with a straight face. I mean,... *sigh*. I have my reputation to think of! So I wrote this:
This is Purple Pie Man and Berry Bird, foe to all in Strawberryland and general harbinger of doom. You can tell he's evil by the handlebar moustache.In the interest of full disclosure: He comes with his hat and spoon. He also has his apron and aqua tee-shirt, worn over his... purple tights. Or is that a loincloth rather than an apron? I don't know. His whole ensemble is a little confusing, and personally, I don't think I'd be scared of anyone who dressed like this. Especially the way his shoes curl up on the ends, like elf shoes.
Anyhoo, his face paint is flawless, and his clothes have no holes or stains. This doll is very clean and in great shape. He still smells grape-ilicious! (I'm so tired of opening plastic bags and sticking my nose in.)
Now, what do you have to do to be the archnemesis to someone named Strawberry Shortcake? Her only goal in life is to have the best scones in all of Strawberryland. How hard is it to thwart that? Just set her timer back when she's not looking so that they burn and -- POOF! You're an evil warmongor!
(By the way, where is Strawberry Shortcake's Swedish friend, Lingonberry Pancake? There's the token African-American Orange Blossom, the token Latino Café Olé (I'm not making this up), the token frog Crèpe Suzette, and the token stoner from Amsterdam Mint Tulip. Why is it that my people are always overlooked?)
But my favorite is the darling Plum Pudding.
Why is she my favorite? Because she sold for $72.77!!! That's why!
She's the super-rare Party Pleaser Plum Pudding! (And how's that for annoying illiteration?) You can tell she's a Party Pleaser because she's wearing a pretty dress and her owl is playing the accordian. Because nothing says PAR-TAY! like an accordian-playing owl!
I think, by the time they got to Plum Pudding, they were really reaching for fruit-related desserts. I mean, plum pudding -- who eats that? Unless her glasses are meant to indicate that she's the token Brit in Strawberryland? Or possibly the town librarian?
Well, here's what I had to say about her:
This is Party Pleaser Plum Pudding & Elderberry Owl. You can tell she's a Party Pleaser because she's wearing her best dress, and her owl is playing an accordian. I mean, what's a party without an accordian?!In the interest of full disclosure: She has her hat, still attached to her head by those little plastic thingies (which, I imagine, are giving her a huge headache). Elderberry is in perfect shape and says 1984 on the bottom.
Face paint is flawless on both doll and owl. Plum Pudding's clothes are without holes or stains -- in fact, if it weren't for the tiny scuffs on her shoes, you wouldn't even know this doll had been played with.
She smells like I would imagine plum pudding smells, if I had ever smelled it, but since I haven't, I guess I'm just going to have to assume that Kenner is accurate in their recreation of the plum pudding scent.
I'm going to hell for this one:
This is Strawberry Shortcake's token Latino friend, Café Olé and her pet donkey Burrito (which is either a very small donkey or a tastey meal from Chipotlé).
I also alleged that baby Butter Cookie is the love-child of Raspberry Tart and Huckleberry Pie. All this sweetness has made me bitter.
P.S. Someone named "queenkissyfur" bought a couple of the dolls. I'm gonng go out on a limb here and guess that she has multiple cats.
Posted at 12:44 PM | Comments (4)October 24, 2005
Build-a-Dork
This is what Billi and I did last week. This is what I took off work for. Yup -- Build-a-Bear.
Guess which one is mine!
If you didn't guess the white bear with the Hello Kitty! t-shirt and panties, hang your head in shame!
Billi chose... a monkey. A dozen cute bears and puppies on display, and she chooses... a monkey. And she didn't name him George! What the hell's the matter with her?!
She named him Leroy.
Whatever. I love his outfit. Boxers and a Cookie Monster t-shirt. I wish I was wearing that right now. And riding a unicorn.
Posted at 02:34 PM | Comments (2)October 04, 2005
Move Over, Barbie -- There's a New Girl In Town
For those of you just tuning in, I collect Barbies. I do not have fifteen cats. I do not keep my Barbies in their boxes. I've never paid more than $150 for a Barbie. In short, I am not insane.
I'm NOT!
Until now.
My friend and fellow Barbie collector, Joe, was recently the recipient of AN ENTIRE DINING ROOM FULL OF TOYS FROM THE LATE 70s/EARLY 80s, given to him by a friend who was cleaning out her attic. There were Barbies and other dolls -- lots of crap but a few gems. Joe looked it over, gleaned what few things he wanted, and then had me come over to see if there was anything I would like.
Ironically, even tho' I grew up in the 70s/80s, I hate the faces of the Barbies back then, all surprised and coked-out, like they were just caught snorting coke off their wee little CD cases. Stupid SurfControl at work won't let me watch videos of Kate Moss snorting coke!
I'm sorry -- where was I? Oh yeah. Hhhhhhate the Superstar Barbie face, so there wasn't much there that interested me. Until I laid eyes on... the Sack o' Strawberry Shortcake. Truly, it was a sight to behold -- all those green-and-white striped legs and pastel-colored afros. Eek.
I never played with them myself. No, really! Billi went through a brief phase where she couldn't stop sniffing their faux-fruit-scented heads, but she was young and just experimenting. She grew out of it quickly. Meanwhile, my tastes had already moved on to slingshots and BB guns. No, really!
But I know an opportunity when I see one. And I know that people my age are getting nostalgic and starting to re-collect their childhood toys.
"Dude, we are rich. We're so selling these on eBay."
And by we I mean me because Joe only checks his email, like, once a week, so clearly he's not computer-savvy (i.e. computer-dependant) enough to have mastered the complex intricasies of eBay.
So, I took them home and, with the help of eBay and some Geosites devoted exclusively to all things Strawberry Shortcake, managed to identify all the dolls and match the proper hat and pet to its master. "Bow to me, Pupcake! I am your Master!" "Please, Huckleberry Pie, not the nipple clamps!"
Um...
Anyhoo,...
I now know more than I ever wanted to know about Strawberry Shortcake.
Did you know that, the first year they were released, they had "flat hands" with all their fingers extended, and they didn't have any pets? Now, you'd think that being petless would render one less valuable, but actually, the first releases are more valuable. The second through fifth releases have curled fingers, so they can hold onto their tea cups, presumably.
Did you know that Orange Blossom (i.e. Token Black Shortcake) has a pet butterfly named Marmalade? Or that Crepe Suzette's pet's name is Eclair? I'll bet you didn't! Ha! Don't you feel stupid!
I spent an hour and a half of my life figuring out which doll was which and which accessories completed them. It was time I could have spent researching, oh... anything else on the internet. American history, astronomy, ship-building -- ANYTHING! But no. These are my priorities. Ask my anything about Strawberry Shortcake!
And then kill me.
But I am slightly consoled by the fact that one of the dolls we have just sold for $100 on eBay, and another for $90. So who feels stupid now?!
Posted at 02:05 PM | Comments (8)August 16, 2005
Fetching Hat Fetched Quite a Price
Okay, I will cop to being every kind of weirdo.
I collect Barbies. Dude, I have over 150 of them prominantly displayed in my office.
I sing Gilbert & Sullivan in my car.
I have Hello Kitty! garbage can and pajama bottoms.
I went to Wizard World.
I blog, for God's sake!
But I will never know what possessed someone to pay $102.50 for a Barbie hat I sold on eBay.
Granted, it's a swell hat -- vintage pink satin pillbox with a little bow on the side. Looks so fetching on Barbie! I'm selling some childhood toys on eBay for a friend of mine (for a 20% cut).
But $102.50? Seriously?! There are people starving in... somewhere! I wouldn't spend that much on a hat for myself! Mainly because I look retarded in hats, what with my moon-face and all. Okay, bad example.
But I think you all get what I'm saying here.
I may be a total spaz, but at least my Barbies aren't wearing outfits that cost more than my outfits! Wait, that's not true. Hard Rock Barbie and a couple of the Silkstones are...
What the hell was this blog about again?
Oh, right, charities for starving people in... various locations. Give generously, my friends!
Posted at 04:10 PM | Comments (2)June 23, 2005
I Can't Believe I Passed Up the Pink Trucker Hat
Well, Sunday was Father's Day, so I took my Dad to the flea market because I didn't want to go to the bar. Or the library. Or the Art Institute because, every time we're there, he makes a scene in the middle of the armor wing.
"Where's the rest of the armor and weapons? I know you have tons of it in storage! Why don't you ever change the display?! I'm not renewing my membership until I see more armor!"
And then the guards come, and he's all contrite -- "Well, can I just get a behind-the-scenes tour?" -- but it's too late. And they kick us out without even letting us puruse the gift shop, so you know they're serious about getting the weapons-obsessed crazy man outta there.
So, flea market it was, causing me to get up at the crack of crack. Shower? Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I'm just going to smell like musty WWII paraphenalia and cheap tube socks when I get home anyway.
My first find was a table strewn with vintage Barbie stuff. Just scattered about like Barbie'd had a hissy and left it all for Ken to clean up. I found a brunette Scooter and started piecing together some outfits, tipping off the seller that I, indeed, know what the hell I'm looking at (much more so than he) and will probably pay more than the average person.
And when he said $35 for the Scooter, it was obvious that he'd had experience with INSANE doll collectors before -- of the Too Many Cats and Ferns set who sleep with creepy Marie Osmond dwarf-baby dolls -- because no Barbie collector in their right mind would pay more than $20 for Skipper's homely friend.
I talked the guy into $40 for the doll and a bunch of clothes. The lot was worth $100, so I made out, but I have to remember to be less eager next time and not drool on the clothes. I could've probably gotten it all for $20, had I not been prone on the table, foaming and growling at all who approached.
There were many great finds that day. Dad got a hand grenade he plans to use as a paper weight (I don't know what's wrong with the pistol he's currently using to hold down his unruly papers). Husband found 10 past issues of a magazine he already has A HUNDRED ISSUES OF. InnocentBystander got a bunch of Star Wars toys for his son, including a piggy bank in the shape of Jar Jar's head. *shudder*
Then InnocentBystander is like, "Hey, try this on!"
I made a face, "Yeah, cuz I need a pink trucker hat that says Princess on it."
"Well, they're all outta the Queen of the Fucking Universe ones."
Ha ha.
Dad has this habit of just taking off and not bothering to see where the rest of the group is -- and, dudes, this place is HUGE -- so I made sure to stop scanning for Barbies every once in a while and take stock of my entourage.
One time, I looked up to see Dad, Husband and InnocentBystander all lined up behind me, shoulder to shoulder. Which was weird because, for starters, they weren't looking at tools. And also because we're Scandinavian and like to keep a good three-foot radius of Personal Space around us at all times. Especially the men.
Clearly, they were hiding something. Something good. And something expensive. I plowed through them to find TABLES AND TABLES OF NEW BARBIES STILL IN THEIR BOXES! The gods were smiling on me that day, my friends.
Accepting his fate, Husband handed me $100 and sighed, "We'll come back around for you when we're done."
But I barely heard him. There was Clara Barton Barbie! And Product Placement Barbie! And Barbie as Forrest's Girlfriend! And Barbie Has Amazingly Huge Breasts for a Ballerina... oh, I could go on and on and on. Don't worry -- I won't. And I limited myself to Calvin Klein Barbie. I like her. She's not an insipid, blue-eyed blonde. And how cute is that jean jacket!
On the way home, my Dad said something to the effect of, "Did you notice that the flea market seemed to be filled with fat, ugly white trash?"
I glanced around the car. At our collective girth, not improved by the Homade Danish Coffee Cake table. At the way Dad's belt (with enormous belt buckle) was struggling to keep his pants up just under his beer belly and over his non-existant ass. At the way my unshowered hair was slicked back into a ponytail, without any use of product. At the goofy gardening hat I made my skin-cancer-candidate husband wear.
And I thought, Hmm. There, but for the grace of God, go us. I don't wanna wake up one morning to find my uncle in my bed, a banjo in the corner, and my car up on cement blocks in the front yard with fourteen dogs underneath it, so I didn't say anything to anger the Gods of Poetic Justice.
Posted at 09:59 AM | Comments (4)January 19, 2005
There's a Monkey On My Back & She's Dressed to the Nines
Okay, see? This is what happens when Husband says, "Oh, just keep your Christmas bonus and spend it on Barbies," and Boss says, "I'm sorry I don't have much for you to do." I spend All Freakin' Day on eBay and end up buying TEN things in one twenty-four-hour period!
AND I'M STILL NOT DONE!!!
Seriously, five of my purchases were made while watching "Master & Commander" with Husband last night. (I now know more about ocean warfare than is probably healthy, and there wasn't nearly enough Billy to justify that, so I had to satisfy myself with imaging what this little darling is going to look like in five years (he's older than he looks, people, I'm not that sick! Okay, yes, I am, but... oh I don't even have a leg to stand on here).)
Anyhoo, I got:
1. The outfit "Blush Becomes Her" for my Fashion Model Barbie #4 because, well, look at her -- she'd totally scratch my eyes out if I didn't get it for her.
2. Some Levi's 515's, which are the only ones that fit my weird-ass body.
3. Two bottles of Bath & Body Work's lotion in Toasted Hazelnut scent, cuz that's Younger Sister's fav and the heartless B&BW bastards discontinued it (mine is Warm Vanilla Sugar, if anyone cares, cuz it smells like cookies).
4. This kicky, little, knit vintage number for Barbie because she saw it in the window and just had to have it.
5. A Victoria's Secret bra for a kick-ass price. No, I'm not telling you what size.
6. The skirt to this 1971 ensemble because Mattel (tm) has yet to make Barbie a plaid mini-skirt that I can resist (let's not even delve into the reasons for that, eh?).
7. The dress that completes my Buffy doll from the old t.v. show "Family Affair." At the moment, she's just in her polka-dot undies clutching her wee Mrs. Beasley doll, and she's quite chilly, doncha know.
8. A light switch cover featuring a vintage graphic of Barbie on the phone, for my new home office, once it ceases to be Ophelia's room. In seven months. Not that I'm counting.
9. This "Skiing Vacation" outfit for Fashion Model Barbie, the demanding bitch who runs my life.
10. "Boulevard Fashion" for guess who - Little Miss I Have Nothing To Wear.
Yet to purchase:
11. This dress from the "Lisette" Fashion Model Barbie. Seriously, that harpie is never happy.
12. The glorious and delightfully-tacky Hard Rock Barbie #1. I mean, I have all this money burning a whole in my pocket, and I've been worshipping her from afar for a year now, so why the hell not? I realize I could buy four vintage outfits for what they're going to rape me for her, but... Gawd, she's just so kewl, I love her.
13. A Christmas present for Big Gay Joe, who turned me on to the Barbie obsession in the first place. I'm thinking vintage Barbie jewelry, cork wedgies or other completer accessories, but it's so hard because, seriously, the man has fucking EVERYTHING. Dude has over 300 dolls. 'Nuff said.
I should just put down the mouse and back away. But I'm not gonna. Nuh-uh! And you can't make me! You're not the boss of me! Besides, I still have plenty of Christmas bonus left, and Barbie knows it!
Posted at 03:08 PM | Comments (0)October 22, 2004
I am a Marketing Whore
Went to the huge mall across the street for lunch today, and when I walked by the Victoria's Secret store, they had a million little stuffed pink doggies in the display window! And I salivated, "They must be mine!"
See, when Step Daughter The Oldest goes away to college in nine and a half months (not that I'm counting or anything), her bedroom is becoming my office/Barbie gallery. The walls are currently grey, and I'm too lazy to paint, so I thought I'd just accent with pink, which, coincidentally, goes perfect with Barbies! (Not that I'm looking forward to it or anything.)
So you understand why this little, pink doggie had to be mine. No, you don't, but just smile and nod. I appreciate it.
But how to get said little blushing canine? Are they display only? Can I bribe a bimbette, er, saleswoman? Should I distract her with something shiny, grab a puppy and dash?
Still drooling, I pass the doorway, and Bambi squeals, "Buy anything from the "Pink" collection and get a stuffed dog free!
And that, my friends, is why there is a big ol' bag o' panties sitting on my desk right now. They even have a cute little doggie print! For when I do it doggie style!
Hmmm, I think there's a Victoria's Secret by J. Jill. And Husband practically begged me to get a new bathrobe and stop using his...
September 23, 2004
Turn Unwanted Crap Into Action Figures!
Ah, garage sales - obviously much more beneficial to the seller than the shopper. "Wait, wait - you're not only going to get this horrid crap outta my sight, but you're going to pay me for it?!" Of course, there is a catch: you must first locate and assemble said horrid crap.
I found, while spelunking in my basement, three computer keyboards, twenty pieces of luggage (we are two people), four complete sets of dishes (WTF?!). I'm, like, sexually aroused by the amount of S P A C E we now have in the basement.
Garage sales can be a test of one's social mores. For example, I must often ask myself, "How long do I have to keep a gift before getting rid of it?" Is the number of necessary years directly related to how much you like the person, or how often the person visits your house? Someone should come up with a mathematical equation to figure that out.
I made $115 off my unwanted junk. Take that, terrorists! Prior to the garage sale, that money was ear-marked for a Hard Rock Café Barbie. Is she not perfection? But since there are wretched scum out there who bought them all up the day they came out, with the sole purpose of selling them for huge profit - right along with their souls - they're only available on eBay and currently going for over $200. Now, I may be a weirdo, but I'm a thrifty weirdo, and 200 clams is insane for a fucking plastic doll.
(Yes, I was willing to pay $115, $125 even. How is that not insane for a plastic doll, you ask? Just shut up.)
Instead, I wandered over to Time and Space Toys, and what to my wondering eyes should appear but 12" "action figures," which is just a way of saying "Barbie dolls" so that straight boys will buy them, too.
Now, I love darling little Buffy, but she can't hold a candle to Barbie. Faith the Rogue Slayer, on the other hand, would take that candle, drip hot wax on Barbie's back and put the flame out on her forearm. So she's coming home with me.
Uh.
I so freaked myself out with that candle analogy that I can't find anything clever to say about Angel the Vampire with a Soul, except that my chiropractor looks just like him. Naturally, I'm throwing myself down the stairs tomorrow. Again.
Now I'm thinking about how I'm going to pose Faith and Angel. I don't think a chiropractor can help me.
Follow up: Husband got the stint out of his arm yesterday. He is now fully human... and fully functional. Let the revelries commence.