February 16, 2005
How Come You Never See P. Diddy and Puff Daddy Photographed Together?
Snippet of Wednesday morning conversation between Nicholle, S (the balding, bespectacled, 40-something, white accountant) and I, about a Mardi Gras party:
N: Neither of my sisters-in-law need to wear a bra. They're like 4 year olds. They're not getting on video.
Me: P. Diddy is not coming to see them.
N: No.
Me: Or is it Coolio? Who's the guy on the "Girls Gone Wild" videos?
N: I don't know.
Me: Is it Puff Daddy?
N: Um, P. Diddy and Puff Daddy are the same person.
Me: Really? Oh. Hey, S, who's the guy on the "Girls Gone Wild" videos?
S: Snoop Dog.
Me: See? I knew he would know. I get them all confused.
S: Geez, Snoop Dog and P. Diddy are, like, on total opposite sides of the spectrum!
Me: Hey, they both rap, and that's all I know.
S: Snoop is awesome. He's the shnizzle.
Oh, my God, he said shnizzle. Yeah, there was no more conversation after that because none of us could stop laughing. It's ironic how something so sad can be so funny.
December 14, 2004
The Best Book Report EVER
I was totally swamped at work, and yet Heather taunted me, via AOL IM. By the way, if anyone from work happens upon this, Heather is 100% responsible for introducing me to blogging -- both writing and reading -- and basically for 99% of all my wasted time. So there.
I edited our spelling and grammar, so it doesn't read like chimps were pounding on the keyboard. Although, admittedly, chimps would be funnier.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Me: Crap. I totally forgot about an article I have to write for the company newsletter.
H: Ooh! Is it a gossip column? A who's who of the accounting dept? An expose on the bathroom bandits? I bet that means you don't have time to watch THIS MOVIE, then. Which is awesome and has pirates in.
[See? Heather may seem adorable, but she's really a crack pusher. And I'm her whore.]
Me: An article on the Brokers' Conf. in Sept. that I have since blocked from my memory as a defense mechanism.
H: Wise. Be sure to use the phrase "pure awesome" at least once, will you? Because, seriously.
Me: This movie is fucking awesome.
H: I thought you'd like it. It has renewed my joy in the word "awesome," too.
Me: Hey! Ninjas! Pirates AND ninjas!
H: I KNOW! And mysterious African women.
Me: "Yeah right!"
H: Hee. The delivery of that is awesome. See? I can't stop saying awesome.
Me: Ohmigod. Flight of the Valkaries.
H: Totally.
Me: Um, ninja with an uzi?
H: Well, it was ancient China, after all.
Me: This guy was so stoned.
H: Totally.
[She can't stop saying "totally," either, apparently.]
Me: And 7 years old.
H: LOVE that.
Me: I like the gay house music. Where are the disco guys from SNL?
H: Um, isn't all house music gay?
Me: No, like, house music you'd hear in a gay bar.
H: I know.
Me: Christ, this thing never ends.
H: I know, it's the longest book report ever.
Me: Nah, I've written longer. So smug that I actually read the whole book.
H: Got me. I hated writing book reports. I figure, if you haven't read it yourself, you don't deserve to know what it's about.
Me: Yeah, cuz I'm sure the teachers were like, "I wonder what this book is like? I'll have the kids read it, and based on their book reports, decide whether or not to read it myself."
H: Hee.
Me: Gregory Peck is hot, and I would totally read the book that this movie was based on.
H: Totally hot.
Me: "Chariots of Fire." Dig it.
[I'm pretty sure that I am the only one who finds all this funny. Because, you know, in the context of writing code and filing umbrella quotes, IMing like this is... totally awesome.]
December 01, 2004
Heather & I Attempt a Movie Review... and Suck
"NATIONAL TREASURE" SPOILER ALERT! Don't read this if you have not yet seen the movie and would eventually like to.
Me: saw "National Treasure" last night! It was cool!
Heather: FINALLY! I liked it, too! but I confess, when they went to Urban Outfitters I'm all "that's $600 for two outfits, at least...did they buy shoes? how much did that old guy have in his bible, anyway?"
Me: I loved N. Cage's random in-case-we-die kiss.
Heather: that was sweet.
Me: I could totally see dropping $600 for two outfits, including the shoes
Heather: esp. there. but I'm just thinking, why not go to Gap and save the cash for their upcoming plane/train/automobiling? because I'm a nerd.
Me: or Target
Heather: exactly.
Me: product placement, that's why!
Heather: i KNOW. but still. LOVED the crypt
Me: dude, I would totally have been crying if that treasure was real
Heather: seriously.
Me: fuck the gold -- think of the LOST HISTORY AND KNOWLEDGE!!!
Heather: riight.
Me: I totally would have read every damn thing before turning it over to "the world." and maybe kept one little souvenir
Heather: well, me too. and: why can't you keep whatever you want? you FOUND it! and, every adolescent knows: finders keepers!
Me: well, yeah, but I totally have to agree that it belongs to the world. eventually. when I'm done rolling in it.
Heather: exactly. but still, it's presumptuous of the world to just EXPECT my booty. especially after the pirates worked so hard to hoard it FROM the world in the first place.
Me: the world is SO irrational. that's just SO like them. "It's our history! Give it back to us! Blah blah blah."
Heather: seriously.
Me: And dude could afford that car, but not stickshift lessons?
Heather: Mr. Nerdy McChinpubes is SO getting the pussy NOW!
Me: Are all White House staffers as hot as Ms. Chase, and the cast of West Wing?
Heather: um. who what where?
Me: the chick in the movie. too hot to be that smart. Cuz Claudia Shiffer is all "I collect antique campaign pins!"
Heather: oh. right! says the lady with the boobies and the pretty pretty hair.
Me: I couldn't have fit my THIGH in that dress.
Heather: me neither. but I hated her dress. thought it looked all ugly and stuff. and oh my god that campaign pin thing was awesome.
Me: Gates is totally sleeping with her just to get his pin back.
Heather: well obviously. that thing's Rare!
Me: Then he's all "See ya Little Miss Bigfoot Stole It!"
Heather: hee. I loved how they didn't know that lemon juice and warmth = invisible ink.
Me: I loved Gates' "Do you trust me?" homage to "Aladdin"
Heather: I don't remember aladdin..but I trust you on that quote.
Me: and I love how the Dad is like, "My FORTY year old son must need abortion money" or something. and she's all "Do I look pregnant?!" Which is EXACTLY any woman's reaction!
Heather: well, in that dress, she TOTALLY looked pregnant.
Me: saucer of milk?
Heather: but, yeah, you're right! but then again, ANY fiacial expresion after that statement would be interpreted as "I look pregnant?" hee. no, seriously. I hate empire waist/crinoline combinations.
Me: was it empire? I thought it looked drop-waist?
Heather: if it were drop waist, I'd totally Love the dress.
Me: by the way, we're the best movie reviewers EVER!!!
Heather: because we're gay?
Me: precisely
Heather: I swear, we should get a show. an online webcast of "puss in boots movie reviews"
Me: yeah. we're totally awesome.
Heather: oh, btw. could you just imagine the horror in the makeup lady's eyes when she gets to the part in the script where it reads "he runs to the edge of the boat, and jumps over the side into the bay"
Me: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Heather: I can just see the wheels turning "how do we get the toupee to stay on.... through that? I didn't sign on for this - someone call my agent!"
Me: I'm sure the stunt man had a lush head of hair, just for that reason
Posted at 10:37 AM | Comments (0)January 04, 2004
Snippet of Lunch Conversation
Nicki: My family worships Joe. He's totally the favorite in-law.
Me: Why is he the favorite? From what you've said about him, he sounds pretty stupid.
Nicki: Oh, he is! But he's nice. He's the one who carries my parents' Christmas tree up from the basement or remembers to buy my Mom a cake.
Me: Ah, the stupid-but-nice thing.
Anne: There is no smart-and-nice. And to be fair to Joe, there's no way Nicholle could have married a guy smarter than her.
Me: Yeah, with Stephen Hawkings being unavailable and all.
Nicki: Didn't his wife try to kill him?
Me: Yeah! Whatever became of that?
Nicki: I don't know. It was probably thrown out because, I don't care if he's crippled, he's still a man and therefore probably deserved it.
Me: His wife was like, "God, can't you pick up your own underwear just once?!"
Anne: Oh, my God! Speaking of making the case for stupid-but-nice!
Nicki: Doesn't he have that little cyborg claw thing?
Posted at 02:06 PM | Comments (0)