February 26, 2008
It's a Shorter List Than the Alternative
Things On My Body That Don't Hurt
1. my fingernails.
2. my eyelashes. on my right eye.
3. the tip of my tongue.
4. my left elbow.
5. my nose hairs.
6. my clavicle.
Posted at 02:31 PM | Comments (0)February 08, 2008
A Sampling of the Instructions I've Left for the Dog Sitter
Make the dogs sit and stay while you put their food in their bowls. Daisy will drool little droplets while you do this, so make sure Stella isn't sitting under her.
Dogs go out after they eat because that's often when they poop.
Don't bother letting them out right before you feed them because they won't do anything.
When the dogs go outside, you have to go with them to make sure Stella doesn't eat Daisy's poop. Seriously.
If you don't want them begging while you eat or licking your feet while you put your socks on, they know the command, "Other room!" This means, "Be anywhere that I am not!"
You can have sex anywhere in the house, EXCEPT on our $1,000 Amish quilt.
Eat and drink anything you want. Don't bother looking for chocolate because there isn't any. But there's plenty of beer.
Don't have the basement t.v. and the dining room light on at the same time or it will blow a fuse.
The erotica is in the middle drawer of my nightstand. Don't judge me -- most of it is Heather's.
The lightswitch for the patio light is in the linen closet. I don't know why.
If you need any help or anything goes wrong, call my parents. They are four blocks away and have nothing to do anyway.
Don't run through the hallway while playing one of your little sex games because there's no rug-grip under the new runner, and you will slip and kill yourself.
If the dogs die or eat the couch, I will not hold you personally responsible. However, if you soil the quilt, I will kill you and eat your soul.
[I wonder where Elle lives? I'd sure like to stop off on our way up north for my 7 martinis! Well, it is morning -- maybe I'll just have 3 or 4. And she can put the rest in a to-go thermos.]
Posted at 08:53 AM | Comments (2)January 30, 2008
Reasons I Need This Job To Be Over Really, Really Soon
1. The more I stay here, the more I learn, so the more work they give me, and it's really cutting into my nail polishing time.
2. The items that friends have given me to eBay are taking up ridiculous amounts of space in my basement. My feng shui is so screwed up, I can hardly walk without falling down.
3. The air in this building is making me age prematurely. It's so dry that even my super-oily skin -- oily enough to produce zits on a 38 year old complexion -- shrivels up and dies after I've been sitting in my cube a mere half an hour. It's like I'm molting, for God's sake.
4. Billi is having to spend inordinate amounts of time alone with her own children, and that's just wrong.
5. I'm really, really bored.
6. I have, like, a dozen blogs that I've started and can't find time to finish. The ones that involve photos are just out of the question until I'm finally fired. I'm not going to get famous this way!
7. I miss driving out to have lunch with The Bitches from my old job. And I haven't seen New Girl, my little Bitch In Training, for so long! I'm sure she's forgotten all the ways of The Dark Side by now.
8. The longer I stay here, the more often I need to bake cookies in order to get through the day, and that's not helping my ass. I'm not saying Husband refuses to have sex with me -- I'm just saying that I haven't worn my jeans this tight since 1989.
9. Did I mention I'm bored?
Posted at 02:33 PM | Comments (1)January 17, 2008
Just a Small Town Girl, Livin' In a Lonely World
I find myself looking forward to seeing what the council for the defense is wearing each day. She's just so damn immaculately attired every single day. I'm in total awe of her. On Tuesday, her headband coordinated with her shoes, and not even in a gay, matchy-matchy, Barbie kind of way. She's so subtley exquisite, I can't even explain. She's driving me crazy with covetous love.
Today, she wore a lavender-grey suit, a pearl choker, and winter-white shoes with a gold buckle. It was like, Oh, look at the subdued hues and subtle accessories and OH MY GOD, WHAT AN ADORABLE SURPRISE THOSE SHOES ARE!
I love her. She's edgey and feminine without being pretentious. I hope she wears her hair in a bun again tomorrow. With the black-rimmed glasses, she does Sexy Librarian almost as well as Heather.
She's my little refuge of loveliness in an otherwise bitter and stark experience. She is the only light that can balance the following, my list of:
Things That Suck About This Whole Experience... Allegedly
1. Peeing. Someone with a bladder as small as mine just isn't cut out for jury duty. After my morning frappuccino and cereal, I normally pee every 45 minutes until noon. I'm sure the other jurors think I have a bladder infection. Thank God for extended sidebars.
2. Pooping. The sudden change in my daily routine is wreaking havoc on my colon. Instead of pooping once or twice a day, at regular intervals, like a normal person, I'm pooping a Buick every other day. Not good.
3. The wind. No matter what direction you are walking in the Loop, you are always walking into the wind. This is especially true when it is sleeting.
4. People on the train. The people who put their coat, their bag and one leg up on the seat so that no one else can sit next to them should be thrown off the train by the conductor. No questions asked.
5. The jurors' bathroom. It is echo-y and opens right into the jury room. Perhaps it is not shyness, but the forced intimacy that prevents any of them from looking me in the eye...
6. The college kids. God help the future of the world in the hands of these mealy, meek, poetry-writing pussies. How will they run the country when they can't even wash their hair? There are four of them on the jury, and three of them cringe when I try to talk to them. Seriously, they make me puke. I want them all to drop and give me twenty. (The only person on the jury who will actually converse with me is a handsome, black young man. Go figure.)
7. The guy who smiles. There's one guy on the jury who has a small smile permanently stamped on his face. It's creepy and wrong. I don't trust him. Next time I'm called to jury duty, it'll probably be for his trial.
Friday, we hear closing arguments and then start deliberations. I want to be foreman. I also hope everyone agrees with me right off the bat so I don't have to start cracking skulls.
I am NOT going back there on Tuesday! K and I are going to Sephora to get our make-up done and buy eye shadow. I want to learn how to apply "The Smokey Eye!"
Posted at 09:03 PM | Comments (2)December 31, 2007
Well, Now I HAVE To Because It's a Tradition
Let's see if 2007 sucked less than 2006, shall we?
1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
I quit three jobs and started three jobs, which is really stressful. I don't recommend it.
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Last year's resolution was to nag Husband into getting onto MY sleep schedule so we could spend more time together, and it worked! Of course, it took me 11-1/2 months, but I did it! We're both getting up at 5:30 a.m. now, and he's taking the train to work so he's not crabby when he gets home. It's awesome. For 2008... my resolution is to eBay at least half the crap that's taking up space in my basement that I promised to eBay for other people. Seriously, it's a fire hazard.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Dodged that bullet yet again!
5. What countries did you visit?
The country of Cool, which I rule.
6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
Stable, permanant, part-time employment.
7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Due to the trauma my brain suffered that day, I don't remember the exact date. However, I vividly remember looking at the emergency vet's X-rays of Daisy's stone-filled bladder, when Husband called to say he just read an email telling him he was fired. Good times.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting paid to put some ads on my blog. Whore-ish, yes, but now I'm a PAID PROFESSIONAL WRITER!!!
9. What was your biggest failure?
Still haven't gotten around to putting all my photos into albums, and now another year has gone by, and the project is even BIGGER.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Ach, my ankle aches just thinking about it. Stupid ice and double-sprain and long healing process. You know, it's probably wrong that all my clumsiness is rewarded by spending lots of time with Dr. Hottie. I'm never going to learn to be careful!
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Christmas presents. I think I made a lot of people happy this December.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Younger Step Daughter, who got into Purdue's engineering program. The brains on Husband's girls continue to impress me, destroying the myth that beautiful women can't be brilliant. God, I hate them.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My old boss'. You'd think that someone who so appreciated me would have tried a little harder to keep me. Meh, his loss.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Husband and Older Step Daughter both got cars this year. But 2008 is MY YEAR, and I want a mini-van with power sliding doors!
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
PIRATE BARBIE!!!
16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
That stupid 50-page long epic song "Hiawatha's Wedding" we sang in Chorale. HOURS -- nay, DAYS of my life I'll never get back!
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Sadder. Things don't change as quickly as I'd like.
b) thinner or fatter? Still at the plateau.
c) richer or poorer? Poorer, thanks to those assholes at Husband's former place of employment, who totally fucked him over.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Serious writing.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Blowing my nose.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
I believe we've covered this to death.
21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
Billi. She's my sistah AND my bestie. Plus, we know a lot of retards to gripe about. (No, Mom, you are not on that list.)
22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
No. I'm too old, jaded and tired for that shit.
23. How many one-night stands?
Bitch, please.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
HBO's "Rome." Titus Pullo is a god.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Yes. Husband's EX-business partner. That bitch's husband has been embezzling hundreds of thousands of dollars from the company over the years, AND SHE KNEW. Which is why, when Husband informed her of the stolen money, she fired HIM instead of her asshole, verbally-abusive, alcoholic husband. I hope they both live to be 100 together. Would serve her right.
26. What was the best book you read this year?
"A Girl Named Zippy: Growing Up Small in Mooreland, Indiana." One of those rare books that I read and think, I wish I had written that.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Josh Grobin. Have you heard the pipes on that guy?!
28. What did you want and get?
PIRATE BARBIE!!! More on her soon...
29. What did you want and not get?
A pigmy goat.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Fuckin' "Superbad," dude!
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 38 on a Tuesday. Went to lunch with SH, who surprised me with a lovely and thoughtful gift. Silly girl!
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Less working. More time for writing, eBaying, walking my dogs, cooking and socializing.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
Expensive make-up is often worth the added price. Older Step Daughter can never quit her job at Sephora.
34. What kept you sane?
Sheer, evil hatred. And spite. I refuse to let my enemies make me insane.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Bruce. Always Bruce.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Hillary. Please, please, please, God, don't let her be president!
37. Whom did you miss?
Same as 2006 -- Natalie and Nicki.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
This one is a tie -- it's two women who work in this building, in the two different departments that I have temped for this year. SG in the spring, and Smokey currently. They are both hilarious, down-to-earth, and just the right amount of bitchy. They help keep me sane here by reminding me that insanity is FUN when you share it with others!
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
You people expect waaaaaaay too much from me. Valuable life lesson. Why should I tell you? Go learn your own lessons! Quit bothering me! Get off my lawn!
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Take this job and SHOVE IT! I ain't a'workin' here no mo'!
December 26, 2007
Another Damn Holiday Survey
Got this from the New Girl last year! Hey, New Girl, I still need that recipe for Candy Cane Pie!
1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?
EGG NOG!!!!!! You can get hot chocolate any old time. And how can you resist the word nog?
2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?
Who the hell wants unwrapped presents? If Santa's not wrapping your presents, he probably doesn't really like you.
3. Colored lights on tree/house or white?
BOTH!
4. Do you hang mistletoe?
No way. I already have enough people trying to kiss me.
5. When do you put your decorations up?
I start Nov. 1, and if I'm not done by Thanksgiving, I start freaking out.
6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)?
STUFFING!!! And no weird-ass, oyster, sausage, raisin stuffing, either. Just bread, sage, celery, onions.
7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child?
Going to Gramma O's house for Christmas Eve because didn't make me eat dinner to get dessert, and falling asleep on the way home in the back of the station wagon with all the presents. Everything in between is kind of a blur.
8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
Santa's gay??? Probably 2nd or 3rd grade, from a friend. Probably Melinda. But the fun part was that Billi believed in Santa for one more year, so I got to be in on the big secret and keep the dream alive for one more year for her. That was cool.
9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
We open LOTS of gifts on Christmas Eve. Almost all. Stockings and small gifts are for Christmas Day. I think it's a Scandihoovian thing that Eve is bigger than Day.
10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree?
Which one? We have MANY! The do go by theme, tho'. Would you expect anything less?
11. Snow! Love it or Dread it?
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE! It's beautiful, and dealing with it builds character!
12. Can you ice skate?
HAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Um, no.
13. Do you remember your favorite gift?
I don't remember what I did yesterday for 2 hours. Seriously, I'm missing a whole block of time after noon. Don't ask me about remembering. I only remember the Tollhouse Chocolate Cookie recipe and people who have wronged me.
14. What's the most exciting thing about Christmas for you?
Watching my niece and three nephews open presents.
15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert?
Anything made with almond paste.
16. What is your favorite holiday tradition?
Eating. Calories be damned!
17. What tops your tree?
A Barbie angel.
18. Which do you prefer giving or receiving?
Depends on the other participant. Some people are great givers; some... are better at getting.
19. What is your favorite Christmas Song?
Today? "Merry Christmas, Darling" by The Carpenters.
20. Candy Canes?
Boring alone, good when part of a larger dessert, like cookies or a pie. HINT, HINT, New Girl!
December 23, 2007
Wenchie's Cop-Out Christmas Survey Entry
Some days, I'm just not as inspired as others, ya know? Today's one of those days. A day of drivel, as I like to call it. Enjoy!
1. What is your favorite Christmas song?
"The Twelve Days of Christmas" by John Denver and the Muppets. I'm sorry, but Miss Piggy just never gets old. Oh, and I can tell you what my favorite Christmas song isn't. Bruce Springstein's "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town." I have Husband so trained that he runs to the radio to shut it off whenever that piece of crap comes on.
2. What is your favorite Christmas movie or cartoon?
"A Christmas Story." Every scene is pure gold.
3. What is your favorite treat/dessert during the holidays?
MARZIPAN!
4. What is your favorite festive drink, alcoholic or non?
Eggnog, alcoholic or non.
5. Do you open your gifts Christmas Eve or Christmas Day?
BOTH! And get this -- we open some Christmas Eve, some Christmas Day in the morning, and some Christmas Day after dinner!
6. What is the best gift you ever received and from whom?
A Tiffany charm bracelet from Husband.
7. What is one thing you are hoping to receive this year?
Pirate Barbie, but that's not real likely, considering her price tag.
8. Prefer dark meat or white?
White. I can't eat dark meat because it might trigger a gout attack. Seriously. Gout.
9. Cranberry sauce or gravy?
Not a big fan of either, frankly. I'm a stuffing gal all the way.
10. If you've traveled during the holidays, when and where did you go?
Husband's whole family converges on his parents' farm house every weekend following Christmas. It's in Indiana. The drive is boring, but the farm is beautiful, and everyone's really nice. I can almost forgive them for having no booze in the house.
11. What is one holiday memory you'd rather forget?
I'll tell you when my family is all dead.
12. Do you like to listen to Christmas music?
Yes, but not just any old crap. I like The Charlie Brown Christmas album, John Denver & the Muppets, The Carpenters' Christmas Portrait, the Bare Naked Ladies' Christmas album, and Mr. Hanky's Christmas Classics. Quality stuff.
13. Do you decorate a fake or real tree?
Fake. Has to be because we have it up for 3-4 months.
14. Describe one ornament on your tree or in your house that is special to you?
Husband hand makes a different ornament every year. All different kinds -- he's very crafty. I think my favorite is a little wooden chickadee sitting on a twig. Very simple, very sweet.
15. Do you open gifts neatly and slowly or do you tear them apart quickly?
Slowly. See yesterday's blog.
16. Who do you normally spend Christmas day with?
Billi's in-laws. See tomorrow's blog.
17. If you could send one Christmas wish to the world, what would that be?
If you're driving slowly, get the hell outta the far left lane.
18. If you could see one person on Christmas, who would it be?
Billi's kids, first thing Christmas morning, opening their presents from Santa. Oh, and baby Jesus. I'm supposed to say Jesus, right?
19. Do you like to sing Christmas carols?
Did we just meet? Of course, I do. Especially solo.
20. Do you send out Christmas cards, photos and/or letters?
Just cards. We all know how I feel about letters, and Stella is afraid of the Christmas tree, so the photo just ain't happenin.
December 18, 2007
Three Lists of Three
Things I Had to Remove From Stella's Mouth While Boy Child & Girl Child Were Over
1. A Bionicle.
2. A nickel.
3. A piece from Jenga.
Things I Can't Find Since The Spare Was Carrying Them Around
1. My comb.
2. My roller brush.
3. The ornament my boss gave me for Christmas, still in its box.
Things Boy Child Enjoyed Playing with While at Our House
1. The lazy susan where we keep the breakfast cereal.
2. The sliding door that separates the dining room and kitchen.
3. My Harley Davidson Barbie.
November 22, 2007
Danksgibing
Things I Am Thankful For Today
1. Zicam
2. Netflix
3. Puffs with aloe
4. Microwaves (to heat up my Thanksgiving dinner when Husband brings it home to me)
5. Sweatpants
6. Fleece bathrobes
7. Four-day weekends
8. Bed
9. Couch
10. Getting this cold over with before Christmas
Posted at 09:22 AM | Comments (0)August 16, 2007
Top Ten Best Things About Last Night's Dinner Cruise
10. I opted for the cute, white, strappy sandals, certainly sufficient for walking to and from the buffet table, not realizing we'd be walking half a mile from the parking garage to the boat. I don't know which hurts more -- my blisters, or every bone in my feet.
9. The "light shower" that began as we started walking turned into a downpour by the time we got to the pier, making for fabulous hair.
8. At least I was wearing two layers of white on top, so it didn't become see-through.
7. Our host and hostess were in the midst of an all-day spat.
6. A young, Chinese woman walked in on me in the bathroom. While I was wiping.
5. The wait staff was introduced by the d.j. and forced to dance for our enjoyment.
4. I got to listen over and over as the old ladies there told me how perfect and pure and angelic and noble and righteous Husband is.
3. The boat didn't sink.
2. I won some Mardi Gras beads for correctly identifying the theme from "The Fat Albert Show" in two measures. Younger step daughter won for recognizing "Saved By the Bell." A couple of cultured musicians, we.
1. I didn't barf.
Posted at 04:17 PM | Comments (1)July 02, 2007
Gingstak Tinkjael
Remember that game on... what was it? "Sesame Street?" "The Electric Company?" Personally, I preferred "The Electric Company," and frankly, I thought the kids on "Zoom" were just trying too hard.
Anyhoo, I remember a song: "One of these things is not like the others! One of these things just doesn't belong!"
Let's play that game now! In this list, which of these things is not like the others?
1. ginger spice
2. sleestak
3. jael half black
4. tinkerbell tattoos
5. barf stories
The answer is: Barf stories! Because all the others are sentient beings.
People never fail to amuse me. When they're not pissing me off. That is a list of things that people were searching for that brought them to my sight.
I'm totally embarassed that eight more people in the world now know that I've blogged about The Spice Girls. But my bosom swells with pride with the knowledge that five more people now know that I'm the leading foremost authority on all things "America's Next Top Model."
I'm highly amused that someone was searching for Sleestaks and ended up reading about my weird Hot Foot Syndrome, but that's what you get for giving Sleestaks more than a passing thought. And twenty-two people are looking to get a Tinkerbell tattoo! Sadly, none are looking to get Snow White's Evil Step Mother the Queen permanantly embedded in their skin.
All this is well and good, but one thing keeps puzzling me. Thirteen people came to this site because they were searching for barf stories. Thirteen. Dudes, who -- besides A -- seeks out stories about people throwing up? And what can I do to cater to them?
Posted at 04:46 PM | Comments (1)May 23, 2007
Things I Do That Annoy Myself
1. Saying, “I’m starving!” Am I really starving? No. Of course not. Although I can see my feet just fine, alas, my ribs are but a fond memory. To say that I, with my Secret Stash drawer full of Snow Caps and Good 'n' Plenty, am enduring scurvy and faced with an uncertain future, undermines what it truly means to be starving. I’m a horrible, horrible person.
2. Waiting too long to go pee. I have a small house and two bathrooms, and yet, I'm often in danger of wetting myself because I’m too lazy to drag my diet-A&W-sodden ass down the hall as often as I should. Which means when I do go, about the time my kidneys start aching, I have to tiptoe, so as not to slosh around too much.
3. Conversely, waiting too long to go poop. As a rule, I don’t like to sit on the toilet and read or meditate or whatever the hell it is that people do when they take half-hour-long shits, so I wait until my bowels are damn good and ready so that I can squeeze one out in less than 10 seconds. But sometimes, I wait to long, and then I’ve got a turtlehead poking out. Not a comfortable walk.
4. Talking on my cell phone when I’m driving. For some reason, I can’t get it thru my head that I, too, am a witless asshole when I drive and talk. I will swear to make a sailor blush when someone in front of me has forgotten what the gas pedal and turn signals are because they simply must discuss the last episode of “Grey's Anatomy” in detail, but that’s just other people. I don’t forsake driving skills for mindless so-what-are-you-doing conversations. NooOOOooo.
Send your hate mail to piratewenchdotorg@yahoo.com.
Posted at 11:45 AM | Comments (4)January 25, 2007
Bueller?
Ganked from Vicki. I like the premise of this. And since there are few things I like talking about more than myself...
* * * * *
Tired of all of those surveys made up by high school kids?
'Have you ever kissed someone?'
'Missed someone?'
'Told someone you loved them?'
'Drank alcohol?'
Here are some questions for the people who are a little more mature. (Meant to be completed by those out of high school)
1. What bill do you hate paying the most? My monthly eBay fees. It's like, Yay! I can afford another Barbie! Oh, wait -- have to pay my fees.
2. What's the best place to eat a romantic dinner? The basement, in front of the t.v. What?
3. Last time you puked from drinking? Never ever. I kid you not. Wanted to, the New Year's Eve I was 20, but never actually have. Real pirates can hold their rum.
4. When is the last time you got drunk and danced on a bar? Heh. People dance on bars for ME, not vice-versa.
5. Name of your first grade teacher? God, I remember kindergarten and second and third grades --McDonald, Klein and Kubala -- but not first. Damn. Did I skip a grade?
6. What do you really want to be doing right now? Napping.
7. What did you want to be when you were growing up? A veternarian. I really loved animals. But then I found out all the gross stuff that goes along with being a vet, and that was the end of the dream. Now I want to be a mermaid.
8. How many colleges did you attend? One. But I partied at many. (Don't tell my Mom!)
9. Why did you wear the shirt that you have on right now? Because brown is my new fav color to wear, and I've been told this particular sweater is very flattering on me. And it was next up in the rotation.
10. GAS PRICES! First thought? Now it only costs $40 to fill my SUV instead of $60!
11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you... Oslo, Norway, by my cousins. I'd love to live somewhere where I'm surrounded by my ancestral history. My paternal grandfather is somewhat famous in the town I live in, but I want HUNDREDS of years of history. I love my country, but I yearn for a place that doesn't knock down any building that's over a century old to put up a mini-mall. And I'd take Husband with me, but only because Billi and Spikette (nee Older Sister) probably wouldn't let me take their children. Well, maybe Boy Child...
12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning? Crap. Now the puppy is going to start warbling (she doesn't whine, per se -- she yodels).
13. Last thought before going to sleep last night? If Husband doesn't get his ass in bed right now, I'm going to kill him while he sleeps. And then he'll always be in bed.
14. Favorite style of underwear?? Under jeans, thong (hate V.P.L.). Under work pants, granny panties for comfort. But always Victoria's Secret.
15. Favorite style of underwear for the opposite sex? Boxer briefs. The best of both worlds!
16. What errand/chore do you despise? Grocery shopping. Which is ironic, since I love other shopping. But seriously, I HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHATE it.
17. If you didn't have to work, would you volunteer at an art gallery? Why the hell would I volunteer at an art gallery? I'm not against volunteering, or art, but I can think of lots of other places more worthy of my time.
18. Get up early or sleep in? Does anyone ever answer Sleep in? Well, actually, I'm used to getting up early on weekdays now. If I don't, I feel like I've wasted half the day. But I'm all for sleeping in on weekends. It's a must.
19. What is your favorite cartoon character? I'd have to say Stewie from "Family Guy." I admire his honesty.
20. Favorite NON sexual thing to do at night with a girl/guy? Curl up on the couch and watch a good movie, with some crackers and dip handy. I'm a cheap date.
21. A secret that you wouldn't mind everyone knowing? People. My MOM reads this.
22. How many joints pop when you get out of bed in the morning? None. I'm always careful to take the seeds out. Bwaaaaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I slay me.
23. What is the biggest amount of $$ you have made from a yard sale? Who says "yard sale." It's a garage sale, people! Two hundred clams and some change. Speaking of which, I can't wait for spring so I can have another one. Soooooooo much crap in my basement!
24. Your favorite lunch meat? Ham.
25. What do you get every time you go into a WAWA? Am I supposed to know what a WAWA is?
26. Beach or lake? Lake! Lake Michigan, to be specific. I've been swimming in Lake Superior, and it's GORGEOUS, but water that was still a full-on glacier fifteen years ago is just a weeeeeeeeeee bit chilly for me. My nipples almost snapped off.
27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual that was invented by people who died at 20? Oh, totally. Of course, that didn't stop me from falling victim to it. And I'm not sure I know of any better way, as far as having children is concerned. But if there's no kids, there's no real reason for it.
28. Who do you stalk on MySpace? My long-ago love from grade/middle/high school. Dude STILL has rock-solid abs, and he's my age.
29. Favorite guilty pleasure? Crappy pop music. Like seriously crappy. I'm talkin' Britney, Backstreet, the works. It's just so damn catchy!
30. Favorite movie you wouldn't want anyone to find out about? I have no idea. But I know Billi's! It's "Planet of the Apes!" The original, natch. She can't look away!
31. What's your drink? Water or milk. Oh, you mean booze? Kaluha and cream or a strawberry margarita. Total chick drinks, I know.
32. Cowboys or Indians? One of each, please!
33. Cops or Robbers? Neither. Too stressful!
34. Do you cheer for the bad guy? Put it this way. I was in love with Al Swearengen in Season One of "Deadwood," BEFORE he went all soft. I could really empathize with his character -- just a guy trying to get along, surrounded by fucking retards all the time. Poor thing. And the hair. Love the hair.
35. What Hollywood star do you think resembles you best? None. They're all freaks. But if I had to pick one to play me in a movie, it'd be Reese Witherspoon. Not that she necessarily looks like me, but I would trust her to best capture my essence.
36. If you had to pick one, which cast member of "Lost" would you be? Jack, so I could do everyone else on the island a favor and KILL MYSELF.
37. What do you want when you are sick? Head cold? Lemonade and hot soup. Stomach flu? Sweet, merciful death.
38. Who from high school would you like to run into? Bec Phillips. She'd probably ignore me, but twenty years later, I still miss her on a regular basis.
39. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now? 87.9 FM, which is a non-station that I can listen to my iPod through.
42. Norm or Cliff? For what? Medical testing?
43. The Cosby Show or the Simpsons? "The Simpsons." It's a perfectly cromulent show.
44. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take
back? Marrying the Ex. Worst. Decision. Ever.
45. Do you like the person who sits directly across from you at work? Chick Boss is in the cube right next to mine -- at least for the next week -- and she's awesome. No annoying habits, nice and quiet, and eavesdropping on her conversations with her mom is often hilarious.
46. If you could get away with it, who would you kill? I would think that would be obvious. And I'd be a Big, Damn Hero for it, too!
47. What famous person would you like to have dinner with? You'd think my answer would be Bruce Campbell, but it wouldn't be much of a dinner without me being able to eat or speak. Or stop drooling. So Kathy Griffin. Definitely. And I'd take her anywhere she wants and pick up the bill for it. Call me, Kathy!
48. What famous person would you like to sleep with? Bruce Campbell. I wouldn't have to talk.
49. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose? Fortunately, no. But Nicholle has! In her oven! Hee!
50. Last book you read for real? Currently, I'm finally getting around to the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy. 'Bout time, huh?
51. Do you have a teddy bear? No, I have two stuffed dogs. A yellow lab from Billi when I was in the hospital. And a rottweiler from Step Daughters when mine died in Oklahoma in the care of my dumbass Ex.
52. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth? In the woods on Isle Royale.
53. Somewhere in California you've never been and would like to go? That famous wax museum place.
54. Number of texts in a day? "Text?" As in -- text messages? I thought this was a survey for people out of high school?
55. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or relationship? Career. And what a coinkidink! I am!
56. Do you go to church? Nope. I used to, and I'm not ruling it out for the future. But right now, it just doesn't do anything for me.
57. Pencil or pen? Pen. Black. Ballpoint.
58. Bueller??? Bueller??? Bueller?? I say this about once a week, and I feel like no one ever gets it. I'll keep trying.
Feel free to gank and leave me a link to your answers!
Posted at 01:26 PM | Comments (1)December 31, 2006
Wow -- That Went By Quick!
I ganked this from Lori in 2004 and then totally forgot about it in 2005. Let's see how much has changed in two years, shall we?
2006 In Review
1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before? Can't think of anything... man, that's pathetic.
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don't normally do New Year's Resolutions. However, I do have one for this year. Actually, it's a resolution for Husband. Aren't I thoughtful, making one for him? My resolution is to get him out of bed earlier in the morning, so he can go to work earlier, come home earlier, and go to bed earlier, so we can spend more time together.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? YES! BILLI! Making me an aunt for the fourth time and a godmother for the third time! And The Spare looks like ME! Which means I'm pretty much obligated to plot with him to take over The Boy Child's throne...
4. Did anyone close to you die? Thankfully, no.
5. What countries did you visit? Are Indiana and Wisconsin countries? Because that's as far as I got this year. No, WAIT! We went to DisneyWorld and visited ALL the countries! (Of Epcot.)
6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006? A better -- if still tenuous -- relationship with my step daughters. Baby steps, right?
7. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Have to add September 29 to my list of Awesomest Days Ever. That's the day The Spare was born, and I THANK GOD I wasn't outta town when it happened (almost was!). My record stands firm -- I have seen all my nephews and niece within hours of their birth.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Having an honest and thought-provoking exchange of emails with my Older Step Daughter. I'm not saying I'm her BFF now, but I think we understand each other a little better now and can, therefore, cut each other some slack. We're not so bad, after all.
9. What was your biggest failure? Amazingly, no huge fuck-ups spring to mind. I guess that's what I get for not trying anything new, eh?
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Nothing worse than strep throat.
11. What was the best thing you bought? A puppy! Although ask me again in 2007 if that remains a good idea...
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Husband. After years of trying to be Superman to the whole world, he's finally getting some help for the heartache he still feels after being torn from his daughters' lives. Kudos, bubie. Any coward can be an island -- it takes strength and bravery to ask for help.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Pretty much every stranger I crossed paths with. Common courtesy is dead.
14. Where did most of your money go? My money, or our money? My eBay money went to vintage silver charm bracelets; our money went to the Disney stockholders, via our Discover card.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Getting to cut my work hours to part time! It's a dream come true! Although the envy of everyone I know is becoming a bit oppressive...
16. What song will always remind you of 2006? "The Song That Goes Like This," sung my moi and Gay A. Seriously, we rocked the house... as much as two white people can rock a Broadway musical.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier. Things are looking up.
b) thinner or fatter? I think I've plateaued.
c) richer or poorer? About the same, I think.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? BLOGGING! Wait, let me ammend that -- GOOD blogging.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Obsessing over things beyond my control.
20. How did you spend Christmas? Christmas Eve was happy and hectic with my immediate family all over at our place. Laughed my ass off when The Boy Child opened the video game we got him -- "Lego Stah Wahs, bay-beeeeeeee!"
21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with? Probably PJ. She likes to call first thing in the morning, when I'm barely coherent, and talk about things like snow, or muffins, or puppies. Imagine being confronted with Buddy the Elf at 7 a.m.
22. Did you fall in love in 2006? Yes. With my iPod Nano. I call him Roger.
23. How many one-night stands? Dudes, I can't even close the deal in my dreams anymore. Just when I get to the good part, I wake up.
24. What was your favorite TV program? "Deadwood." Al Swearengen is my hero!
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? No. Takes a lot to be added to my list. I just hate the same ol' assholes.
26. What was the best book you read this year? Ahab's Wife. A look at what she might have been like, if the legendary Ahab had had a wife. Quite a broad.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Eminem, much to the chagrin of Husband. Thanks, Billi!
28. What did you want and get? A puppy.
29. What did you want and not get? Forgiveness.
30. What was your favorite film of this year? "The Prestige."
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 37 at home in bed with strep throat.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? More writing.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006? Black is slimming. And sometimes it pays to buy the expensive stuff.
34. What kept you sane? Awwwwww, it's so cute that you think I'm sane!
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Christian Balllaaarghlrghlrghlrghlrghl...
36. What political issue stirred you the most? Gay marriage. I can't comprehend the arrogance of keeping two people in love from publicly and legally binding their relationship. It's just nonsense! Oh, don't get me started! Where's my soap box?
37. Whom did you miss? Natalie, currently having her uber-talent underappreciated in New York. And talking with Nicki every day.
38. Who was the best new person you met? Um, did I meet Scarlett Cyn this year or last year? If it was this year, then her. If it was last year, then... Did I meet anyone new this year? I don't think so. You know how I feel about strangers.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006: Don't bang your head against what you can't change. Well, I didn't learn it very well, but I'm partway through the workbook.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "I'm the real Shady -- All you other Slim Shadies are just imitating!"
Posted at 09:56 AM | Comments (0)December 18, 2006
Super-Secret Tricks, Just For You!
I can't turn on my computer or stand in the Jewel check-out line without seeing the headline "Ten Tips To Avoid Holiday Weight Gain!"
Invariably, these articles are accompanied by a photo of three women standing around eating carrots and drinking sparkling water, laughing merrily at all the fools who don't know their super-secret tricks to keeping their collarbones fully visible 365 days a year.
(Remember, men -- it's okay for you to gain weight over the holidays, as long as you buy us diamonds and cashmere and cars and the like!)
So, in the spirit of sharing my wisdom with my favorite people -- YOU! -- I've compiled my own list of...
Wenchie's Tips for Avoiding Holiday Weight Gain
1. Don't eat so damn much!
2. See number one.
3. See number one.
4. See number one.
5. See number one.
6. See number one.
7. See number one.
8. See number one.
9. See number one.
10. See number one.
OR, you could just gain the eight pounds and fucking deal with it because, if that's the worst thing you have to worry about, you are clearly living a life that we should all envy and hate you for.
Posted at 06:22 AM | Comments (1)November 24, 2006
Thanksgetting
It sounds so much more fun than Thanksgiving, doesn't it? Thanksgetting! Yaaaaay!
I'm Thankful for Getting...
1. Comments on my blog.
2. New tires on my car, so I'll be more safe through the upcoming Chicago winter, which better include a helluvalotta snow this year.
3. Over my cold.
4. New contacts that don't suck all the moisture outta my eyeballs.
5. Sexier by the day.
6. Paid to do a pretty easy job for really cool people.
7. Carded at Jewel when buying Kaluha.
8. Another nephew.
9. Laid.
10. An extra helping of stuffing.
Posted at 07:22 PM | Comments (4)October 10, 2006
Middle Earth Spam Generator
I receive a lot of spam comments on this blog, despite MoveableType's most valiant efforts. Sometimes the sender's intent is stated clearly in the name, i.e. "ambien," "free hotel" and "no prescription viagra."
But the latest generation of spam emails have names made up of completely random letters, obviously to make it more difficult for the filters to catch them. And in skimming them during every morning's little deletion-fest, I've come to the conclusion that they're getting their made-up names from a Tolkien's Middle Earth Name Generator.
For instance...
Uraeseelmi: I believe this elf is Arwen's tailor, the one who made her all those fabulous gowns and that smart jacket she rescued Frodo in.
Fchiwth: Smeagol and Deagol's oft-forgotten second cousin twice-removed, on their mother's side. He was the first to find Deagol's body, but since his cousins had ditched him after promising to take him fishing that day, he simply spat on the corpse and went to look for worms.
Eucbaad: An orc. I'm not sure which one. They all look kinda the same to me. Does that make me racist?
Opias Mimre: A wandering gypsy friend of Grima Wormtongue. Eowyn got hooked on drugs, trying to find a relief for her depression. Needless to say, it worked, which explains all the laughing while leading her people away from their homes and towards certain death, but it did make her very pale. Opias was her supplier.
Helio Tymim: A dwarf. Gimli didn't want to go to the stupid meeting in Rivendell. Helio flipped him for it, and Gimli lost.
Backdoor Creampie: Um... probably a hobbit?
September 25, 2006
White Trash Vacation
Oh, my darling loves, I committed a most unforgivable sin -- I went outta town and didn't warn you!
All vacation long, I was plagued by thoughts of my poor schmoopies hitting Refresh over and over and over, only to be devasted by the utter lack of new Pirate Wench musings.
Unfortunately, today is no different. I got nuthin'.
I can't even blog about my vacation because we didn't do a damn thing. Seriously. Here is every day's schedule:
8:00 - Roll outta bed because dog can't hold it any longer.
8:05 - First breakfast, usually some sort of baked goods involving pumpkin.
8:15 - Shower and get ready.
9:30 - Go out for breakfast. Hashbrowns a must.
10:30 - Read trashy magazines and talk about what to have for lunch.
11:30 - Shopping.
1:00 - Lunch, consisting of chips and some sort of cheese-based dip.
2:30 - Nap.
5:00 - Wake up because dog wants to eat.
5:15 - Read trashy magazines and figure out what to have for dinner.
6:00 - Go out to dinner. (Is there anything that Wisconsiners won't deep fry?) Cocktails a must.
8:00 - Get home, play cards.
9:30 - Go to bed.
My life is a senseless parade of gluttony and sloth.
Tomorrow will be more of the same, but with a better blog entry, probably involving my own stupidity.
Posted at 02:21 PM | Comments (5)August 24, 2006
The Questions That Keep Me Up At Night
1. You know that little flap in the front of mens' briefs? Do you guys really use that for its intended purpose?
2. Does anyone really eat Monte Cristos, or are they just on restaurant menus because they've always been on restaurant menus? Seriously, show of hands.
3. How do deaf women know when they're done peeing, if they can't hear the stream stop? Do they just count to twenty or something?
4. Does anyone like clowns? I mean, really? Because I don't know one person who likes them. People's reactions vary from the slightly-creeped-out to the screaming-mimis. Anyone here not find clowns mildly disturbing, at best?
Posted at 01:38 PM | Comments (10)August 03, 2006
Survey SAYS!
This week has been NUTS, what with the working and the draaaaaaama and the packing for a weekend in Door County. With my mother.
I know.
So, since you were so awesome and did my anti-survey survey, and since I'm in dire need of a quick blog that requires little or no thought, here are my answers:
1. What's your middle name? Marie, after my paternal grandmother, whom many say I look like.
2. What kind of underwear do you wear? To work? Big, ol' granny panties under my yoga-type "dress" pants because it's aaaaaaaaaall about the comfort, bay-bee! Sexxxxxxxy! All other times? A thong, from the Victoria's Secret "Pink" collection. I hate VPL.
3. What is the place and date that you lost your virginity? Second Saturday in October (two weekends before my 17th birthday), 1986. In my boyfriend's bedroom, with the dresser pushed in front of the door, while his family was watching his brother in the homecoming football game.
4. Penthouse or Hustler? Penthouse. Better stories, although not as good as I could write.
5. What is your favorite pasta shape? Bowtie. They're the easiest to pick up with a fork. All the better to shove more rapidly into my pie-hole.
6. Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Most of my baby teeth, an orange-sized mass (from my abdomen), an infected/ruptured appendix, and four inches of intestine. Which they would not let me keep.
7. When and where did you last masturbate? Oh, not recently enough. In bed, sometime in the last couple weeks, before a nap.
8. Mermaid or centaur? I've always wanted to be a mermaid!
9. Orange or raccoon? Orange. Raccoons wrecked my cabin.
10. Who is on the top of your Shit List, and why? Oh, it's a fluid, ever-changing list. Currently, my Dad, for being stubborn and crotchety, forcing me to wonder if it's okay to pick on someone bigger than myself, even if they're really old. Tomorrow, it will be every person on the road between here and Door County. So, stay outta my way!
And now, my darling duckies, adios until Monday!
Posted at 02:30 PM | Comments (0)August 01, 2006
The New Breed of Forwarded Email
I'm sure we've all received one of those chain emails about Getting To Know Your Friends Better. With things like:
1. Your full, given name:
2. Day of the week you were born:
3. Who did you take to your Senior Prom?
4. Do you really think anyone is going to send this back?
And we're supposed to fill in your answer for each number, and then send it back to the person who sent it, plus everyone else in your address book.
I have received enough of these that I am officially sick of myself.
Also? I'm sick of all of you. If I don't know where you were born, it's because I don't care. I also don't care what kind of ice cream you like because I don't think it says anything significant about you, and I already have enough worthless information taking up space in my brain, like all the words to every song on "Seven and the Ragged Tiger." I really don't need your hat size taking up more space.
Now, if these chain emails provided me with some different information, I may be more inclined to show some interest.
Here is Wenchie's Getting To Know You List of Questions, as scribbled on a napkin at Graziano's. Please answer them and send them to me at my Yahoo account, so that I may mock you accordingly. Anonymously, of course. Or just leave your answers in the Comments section, whatever, I don't care.
1. What's your middle name?
2. What kind of underwear do you wear?
3. What is the place and date that you lost your virginity?
4. Penthouse or Hustler?
5. What is your favorite pasta shape?
6. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
7. When and where did you last masturbate?
8. Mermaid or centaur?
9. Orange or raccoon?
10. Who is on the top of your Shit List, and why?
If I get enough answers, I may be inclined to answer the questions myself.
Feel free to send this list to your family, your pastor, your health insurance customer service representative, and all your co-workers. I'm sure it will bring you all to a better understanding of one another and bring about world peace just a tiny bit faster.
Posted at 01:59 PM | Comments (7)June 05, 2006
Honey, I Found a Pine Tree for Forty Bucks!
This weekend, Billi and I bolstered the Wisconsin economy to the tune of $400 each. On pottery, antiques and folk art. Yes, Heather, folk art. (I love making her cry.)
We also ate ice cream for lunch each day. Two scoops in a waffle cone, and dude, those ice cream monkeys don't skimp. It was a total buttload of ice cream for four bucks (just look at my ice-cream-inflated butt to know what a buttload is).
Oberweis can kiss my dairy-saturated butt. You can't lick the sprinkles they spilled on the floor for four bucks at Oberweis. Now it's lunch time and where's my ice cream, dammit?!
Within a fifteen minute period, the following four things occurred:
1. I spilled Birthday Cake ice cream on my new Coach wallet, while trying to spit out a gnat.
2. I bought a seven-foot faux pine tree (complete with pinecones) for $40. Oh, yes I did! And I drove all the way home with the trunk protruding into the front seat of my Explorer, to earn myself the title of Best Wife Ever.
3. I ripped part of the pocket off my cute, cute embroidered jeans. While getting into my car. I have no idea how. Not a word about my butt, dicksmacks.
4. I was photographed and interviewed for an article for some tourist periodical, along with Billi. I'm never gonna live this one down.
So, yeah, pretty much a typical vacation weekend for me.
Among the things I purchased:
1. Two antique child-sized chairs. GOD, how I love little chairs. I don't know why, since I pretty much can't stand child-sized people. Perhaps I just enjoy the idea of them sitting uncomfortably on straight-backed, wooden chairs? Sit still, or you'll get the ruler again!
2. Faux tree. Well, trees, actually. It's a cluster of three trees on one base. One four feet, one five and a half feet, one seven feet. See, Husband makes original wooden Christmas ornaments every year, and we've been wanting a place to display them year-round. Geez, that declaration is even gayer in writing than it is verbally.
3. Two bud vases -- one pottery, one wood (purple heart). Apparently, diminutive vases hold the same appeal as diminutive chairs, and I've acquired enough in the past couple years to now warrant calling it a collection.
4. Small, partitioned, antique fruit crate, which I will stand on end on my dresser, to display my bud vase collection. I hate myself so much right now.
5. A jar of Cherry Honey Mustard Sauce. So yummy with pretzels!
6. Zest soap. It's the only thing that will sort of rinse clean in the damn soft water they have up there. Stupid well water! I HHHHHHHHHATE soft water. Can't get clean! Can't get clean!
I'm going back up on the 19th with Egrau and PJ. And I have permission from Husband to buy a ten-piece folk art nativity set. Yay! Weirdly-stylized baby Jeebus with chicken and bunny!
Posted at 02:08 PM | Comments (2)May 19, 2006
Reasons I'm Never Having Children
1. They just throw up, like, anywhere. Not in the toilet. ANYWHERE.
2. "Mommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommy!"
3. I would blog about them, and they would hate me for it.
4. I would blog about them, and I would hate myself for turning into Dooce.
5. I'd have to start cooking real meals instead of just popcorn for dinner.
6. Puberty.
7. They have no respect for personal space.
8. I would home school them and make sure they are trained in all forms of weaponry and self-defense, and they would hate me for it.
9. I might have to occassionally consider Husband's opinion on how they should be raised.
10. They would want to touch my Barbies.
Posted at 02:51 PM | Comments (2)May 04, 2006
This Is the BEST!
Okay, here are the top 10 searches that recently brought people to my site. My favorites have been bolded:
1. pirate wench
2. wench
3. pirate wench outfit
4. mint tulip party pleaser shoes
5. danielle jade mermaid
6. world s biggest vagina
7. draw the pirate
8. fuck me shoes
9. hold urine while puking
10. when she was bad she was horrid
I'm so glad that some Strawberry Shortcake fan was trying to find the shoes to complete her Mint Tulip Party Pleaser's outfit, and she came here. I wonder if she stayed to look around, or recoiled in horror and took a long, hot shower.
I just couldn't be more pleased that searches for "America's Next Top Model" are bringing people here! Bring me your poor, your tired, your bitchy, your accessorizingly-challenged!
How... why would anyone search for "hold urine while puking?" Is this a problem experienced by millions of Americans, peeing while puking? Did I miss the special "Dateline" broadcast?
I love that someone was searching for the line in some old poem my Grandma used to say to me, and it brought them here. I hope it wasn't someone's Grandma. I don't want to be responsible for a stroke.
And now, I have to tell you a story about The World's Biggest Vagina! But I'm going to clean it up a tad because even I have my limits. Seriously, it's that bad. Yes, even your favorite cunttard has standards of decency, paper-thin as they may be.
I was a big nerdy loser in school. All through school. My "ugly phase" lasted for over a decade. I had many nemeses, but one stands out in particular.
He was in my grade, and we were in the same Sunday school class K-12. We were friends for many years, but somewhere along the way, it occurred to him that he probably shouldn't be associating with someone as homely and weird as I.
But being a teenaged boy, he couldn't leave it at that. He had to break me down and crap on me. I imagine it was pretty awkward for our mutual friends, with whom we both ate lunch.
One day, he made a joke -- and here's where I'm cleaning it up -- that my vagina was so stretched-out from much usage that my next boyfriend would have to go spelunking to find my previous boyfriend.
It was the crudest thing anyone has ever said to me, before or since, and he said it in front of all our friends. It earned him the priviledge of wearing his Coke in his hair and on his shirt for the rest of the afternoon.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am the owner of the World's Biggest Vagina. And I'm trying to get Vaginal Spelunking acknowledged by the Olympic Board as a legitimate sport. Look for it in Beijing in 2008!
God, I so want to make World's Biggest Vagina my new masthead. I just fear the weirdos it would bring.
And as a side note, I think it says a lot about how far I've come in my relationship with my mother, that I now fear the creepy perverts of the world more than I fear reprimand from her. Happy Mother's Day, Mom!
Posted at 01:16 PM | Comments (3)May 02, 2006
Another Sick Look Into My eBay Life
Things I Won Recently On eBay That Should Be Arriving at My House Any Day Now
1. A teak, tealight candle holder from Pottery Barn. I will put my handpainted Ukranian eggs in it for next Easter. (Eggs also won on eBay.) I'll show Husband who does Easter decorations!!!
2. The JAQUA line of Buttercream Frosting body lotion, hand lotion and lip gloss from Bath & Body Works (discontinued). I will smell like cake! My lips will taste like buttercream frosting! Who wants a smooch? Not all at once!
3. The clogs to Barbie's vintage Holland outfit, which is now complete, and she will be wearing very soon! To work! (I already have Ken's outfit!) They'll be on my desk next week, when all the CEOs are in town for some pow-wow.
4. Philosophy's 3-in-1 Shampoo, Conditioner and Body Wash in White Chocolate Hazelnut (discontinued). I already have Pumpkin Pie, Egg Nog, Vanilla Birthday Cake and Cinnamon Bun. I'm a dessert table! (The title of my first book will be I Like To Smell Like Food.)
5. The CD soundtrack from "The Triplets of Belleville." Go here, scroll down, listen to "Belleville Rendez-Vous" (English or French), and tell me you are able to get that damn song outta your head. It's just not possible!
6. NARS matte eyeshadow in New York (plum brown). Way cheaper to test it out in the store and then buy it off eBay. And eggplant-colored eyeshadow makes my eyes look so blue, instead of their usual blue-green-gray-meh.
7. The Teacher Barbie Fashion Model outfit (sans doll) for one of the Silkstone bitches to wear. Hot for teacher!
Now, what do all these things say about me? They pretty much say that I live no where near any sort of reality. Huh. Bitchen!
Posted at 01:27 PM | Comments (4)April 26, 2006
Reasons Why Sleeping with Heather Is Better Than Sleeping with Husband
1. The only snoring comes from Daisy.
2. My precious, precious sleep isn't interrupted at 3am by chilly, wandering hands.
3. No farting.
4. I don't have to cling desperately to the covers when she rolls over.
5. Her underwear is much cuter than Husband's.
6. Making the bed in the morning is so easy! We just slip out of the top, and voila! The bed is a neat as before we got in it! Because we don't kick and flail and toss and seizure while we sleep!
* * * * *
And on a completely different note, I have a promise to make to you people.
If/when I ever get a book deal or magazine interview or something because of this blog, I will never, EVER write tedious posts like:
Oh, so sorry I haven't posted in a while! I've been on the phone for hours with my Agent/Manager/Satanic Representative every day lately! My life has been so hectic since I got all discovered and famous, I haven't had any time to pay attention to you, the little people who made me who I am today. Must go -- the photographer is at my door, and then I have a meeting with my editor! Tah-tah!
Vomit.
Yeah, cuz that's entertaining or interesting in any conceivable way to anyone but my Mom.
And yes, I'm bitter, but that's part of my charm.
Just had to get that off my chest.
If my dreams come true, and I get published for realsies one day, I vow not to mention it until it actually happens, and then only once. I'll link to it and be like, "Oh, by the way, here's a book that might not be a huge waste of your time to read." But only at the bottom of a long post about pubic hair grooming.
Posted at 12:30 PM | Comments (3)April 03, 2006
Search Haiku
Here are some more things that people have searched for on my site. I don't know who you are, but you people are total degenerates. And thank you for frequenting my little blog. Come again!
1. videos of hooliganism
Dude, if you can't think up your own shit, don't be a copy-cat. Besides, what 80 year old is looking up "videos of hooliganism"? Wouldn't someone of the proper age to commit hooliganism be looking up vandalism?
2. strawberry shortcak
I don't know what "shortcak" is, but I don't think I'd want to eat it. Not with all the strawberries in the world.
3. dooce
Don't be searching my site for Dooce. You should be searching Dooce's site for me.
4. cartoons spreading noses
What the--?
5. ugg clogs
I hope you didn't really expect to find any useful information here about ugg clogs. If I were to deign to mention them, it would only be for the purposes of mocking and derision. Now hang your head in shame.
And the rest of these -- *sigh* -- I just... don't even know.
6. donkey stroking
7. goat nadgering
8. baboon pestulance
9. seal tupping
10. crock bothering
Although there's almost a poetic quality to them, when you put them all together. A haiku, perhaps, in tandum with cherry blossom season?
Baboon pestulance,
Goat nadgering, Seal tupping,
And donkey stroking.
Brings a tear to my eye and a song to my heart.
Posted at 02:55 PM | Comments (3)January 16, 2006
Google Sex Searches Brought Them Here
Things People Were Hoping To Find When They Found My Site Through Google
pumpkin pirate
I'm confused. Do you eat this or hump it?
wilma flinstone hairdo
When the hell did I blog about anything even remotely resembling this? I've never even mentioned Wilma!
how to shave your cooter
Get someone else to shave it for you. DUH.
my barbie swallows
I totally have this shirt.
monkey with a fez
Now this I can understand! Who WOULDN'T want a monkey with a fez?!
smelly pirate hooker costume
Why smelly? Just... WHY?
vagina rippage
OW! Oh, God, who Googles that? I mean, shouldn't they be RUSHING TO THEIR DOCTOR?!
pictures of woman peeing in the mens restrooms
Someone was very bored at work.
sister mom bro sex
I hate people.
elephantitis of the testes
Now I KNOW I've never blogged about THIS.
slutty bank tellers
Bank tellers? Really? I can understand waitresses, flight attendants, nurses -- but bank tellers? Huh. I'll have to keep an eye out for that.
fur sheepskin sexy girl
If there's one thing this person takes away from my site, I hope it's this -- sheepskin is never sexy. Put down the Ugg boots and back away!
bound gagged babysitter turtleneck
Okay, I get the first three words, but why is the turtleneck an integral part of the fantasy? To cover up the hickies? I don't get it.
sin grandma
This will be the tattoo I get to celebrate my 80th birthday.
how to earn beads in ymca indian princesses
I always feel bad for the well-intentioned, unsuspecting house-frau who searches for something innocuous and ends up finding my body parts. Oh, and remind me to tell you about Indian Princesses sometime. The YMCA would NOT approve.
feel me up school bus story
I never got felt up on the school bus. Not even while riding to and from track meets with the boys' varsity track team. I had nothing worth feeling when I was in school.
latex soccer moms
*sigh*
what do you call the string on the outside of a bologna slice
I call it GROSS. Buy some fucking Oscar Mayer, and you won't have this problem!
liv tyler - plaid skirt - red panties
I'm hope Husband appreciated the irony when he searched for this and was directed to my site. I know it's you, honey!
old hot sexy mom like to go and cam with men .com
And "cam?" "Cam" being a... verb? Do they mean "camp?" And is the ".com" really necessary? I mean, he's searching the internet. Isn't the ".com" kind of implied?
schoolgirl long legs white sox small panties
Marty. Quit it.
nicki the crippled
OH! MY! GOD! How appropriate! Nichole is TOTALLY crippled by her paranoia and SO MANY OTHER THINGS! BWAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA! (I'm sorry -- I know this is something that only she and I will find funny.)
lucy liu bound and gagged
If you find this, please send me the link.
wife find new ways to enjoy husbands dogs confessions
Oh, come on! That's just animal abuse! Leave the dog alone! For heaven's sake!
starting eating alot of peanut butter is that a sign of crystal meth
I'm no doctor, but I'm going to have to give a big fat "NO" to this one.
January 10, 2006
Today's Post Is Brought to You By the Letter V
Remember that song on Sesame Street?
One of these things is not like the others
One of these things just doesn't belong
And then they'd show us four things -- like, a loaf of bread, a gallon of milk, a stick of butter, and an El Camino -- and we had to guess which one didn't belong in the group?
Well, they'd never get away with that shit nowadays, because Elmo wouldn't want to hurt the El Camino's feelings, and sure, Mr. El Camino, you can be a jar of peanut butter if you want!
What. Evah.
Anyhoo, today we're going to play the game One of These Things Is Not Like the Others! (Great. Now I'm gonna have that damn song stuck in my head for the rest of the day.)
Remember, I was telling you about the spreadsheets I made for Heather, of the various Vegas chapel wedding packages she could choose from? Well, each hotel names their packages (much like men), and they all have themes and whatnot, and it's all very over-the-top and silly.
So, I will name all the packages for a specific hotel, and you will have to guess which one I think doesn't fit in and should be mocked and ridiculed for being different! Ready? Let's begin!
Wedding Chapel at Aladdin
1. A Moment Like This
2. I Do
3. Unforgettable
4. From This Moment On
5. Because You Loved Me
6. This I Promise You
7. Magic Carpet Ride
8. Together Forever
Now, correct me if I'm wrong (and I know you will), but I believe these are all song titles. And the one that doesn't belong is...?
7. Magic Carpet Ride
I'm sorry, this is romantic... how? Why not Endless Love? Vision of Love? Love Shack? Why not just call it Highway to Hell, for Pete's sake! Seriously -- Magic Carpet Ride? Is this a civil ceremony for lesbians only? Because that's the only rational explanation I can come up with.
Chapels at Caesar's Palace
1. Simplicita
2. Passione
3. Simchah
4. Amore
5. La Dolce Vita
I'm no linguistics expert, but one of these is not immediately recognizable as Italian. Can you guess which one?
3. Simchah
And further investigation tells us... ah, yes. "Package includes a Chuppah, Kiddish cup and Rabbi services." Well, that explains it. Heather will probably pick this one; she's a total Jewannabe.
Island Wedding Chapel at the Tropicana
1. Gardenia
2. Jasmine
3. Stargazer
4. Orchid
5. Bird of Paradise
I think all of these are flowers, but...
3. Stargazer
Can I get a ruling on this one? And if it is a flower, I think they should use the name of a flower that normal people have actually heard of before. Like Lily of the Valley, or Lilac. Those are totally my favorites!
The Forever Grand Wedding Chapel at the MGM Grand
1. Classic Elegance
2. Forever Yours
3. Always and Forever
4. Everlasting Love
5. Practice Makes Perfect
6. Conference Center
I bet you think I'm going to say "Conference Center," don't you? Well, I'm not, Mr. Smartyboots! Conference Center is merely boring, whereas the real answer is downright insulting!
5. Practice Makes Perfect
What the--? Who are they to judge? That's pretty goddamn nervy, if you ask me! What do they care if it's my second or third or fifth marriage, as long as my credit card clears! I wanna go there and be like, "Yeah, I'd like your Practice Makes Perfect package, please? And do you have a punch card or something? Cuz if I can find me a 25 year old, I'll be coming back."
The Chapel at Luxor
1. Diamonds of the Nile
2. Emeralds of the Queen
3. Sapphires of the East
4. Lady of the Rubies
I'll give you a hint: You have to be at least as anal-retentive as I am for this to bother you. Give up?
4. Lady of the Rubies
Don't they even comprehend their own pattern?! Jewel of the Noun, Jewel of the Noun! Then BAM! Noun of the Jewel! Why would they do something like that?! Such flagrant disregard for their own system is incomprehensible! Or maybe it's just that I forgot to take my meds this morning...
Sunrise and Sunset Chapels at Mandalay Bay
1. Platinum Skies
2. Opal Shores
3. Crystal Waters
4. Diamond Lights
This one is like the previous one, only even MORE insidious!
4. Diamond Lights
See what I'm saying? Skies, shores, waters -- all conjure up images of a panoramic beach landscape. Lights? What -- like flashlights? Zippo lighters? Tiki torches? WHAT LIGHTS?! Would it have been such a difficult task for them to come up with Diamond Sands? Or Diamond Moonbeams? Or Diamond Drink Umbrellas? ANYTHING!!! Gah!
Coincidentally, Opal Shores was my stage name when I was... um... dancing.
Posted at 11:16 AM | Comments (2)January 05, 2006
Three Reasons Why Getting a Professional Massage Is Like a Good Romp In the Sack
1. It inexplicably makes my nipples hard.
2. I leave there with my hair mussed, my mascara smeared, and my bra in my coat pocket.
3. I'm sore -- yet content -- the next morning.
Posted at 01:14 PM | Comments (4)January 03, 2006
Earning Your Pity and Hatred in 2005
I don't do New Year's Resolutions, and I don't do The Year in Review. I do (in no particular order)...
Things I Regret Doing in 2005
1. Spilling pop in my computer keyboard.
2. Doing 86 mph in Wisconsin.
3. Letting PJ and Ramone babysit my dog.
4. This.
5. Blogging about my stepdaughters.
6. Dying my hair Bozo-red.
7. Taking PJ on vacation with me.
8. Purchasing and wearing The Hair Cage.
10. Being a horrible mommy and letting my dog run away.
Posted at 12:02 PM | Comments (3)December 30, 2005
Good News & Bad News
Those of you who don't have your very own website probably don't know all that goes into maintaining this thing. There's the task of coming up with crap to blog about, yes. But there's also the changing of the icons, the updating of the links, and the deleting of the spam comments. Oh, wretched, cursed spam comments!
Several times each day, I have to go into my Comments page and separate the comments of my treasured readers from the spam crap. The wheat from the chaff, if you will. (Yes, I'm occassionally awake at church.) Some days, there are as many as 60 spam comments!
You see what I go through to provide you with good, clean, blogging fun? You didn't know that, did you? Well, I do it all willingly, unselfishly, with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. For you, dear readers. Por vous.
The good news is, the spam commenters have stopped trying to sell me online gambling, weight-loss drugs and Ethiopian banking opportunities. The bad news is, they are now trying to sell me porn. And, from the looks of it, not very good porn, either.
gay twinks hot teens
What is a "twink"? Am I missing out on something good here?
pre teen flasher virgin teens
Ew. Just... ew.
hairy pussy galleries
I thought it was just the opposite that was desirable? I guess I can stop buying my razors in bulk now. I love the thought that it's a "gallery." Like there are all these photos of cooters hanging on white walls, while a bunch of Euro-trash walks around drinking wine and saying, "Yes, but what does it mean?"
teen pregnancy teachers fucking students
I don't get this one. Do the teachers educate their students about teen pregnancy by day, and try to impregnate them by night? Are the teen pregnancy teachers living double lives? Or, more likely, am I missing the point entirely?
lesbian lovers free videos of lesbians
Oh, sure. I get this one after Christmas.
yugioh porn mardi gras girls
What does Yugioh and Mardi Gras have to do with each other? Come to think of it, what does Yugioh have to do with porn? This title reminds me of some bad japanese translation of an anime series title.
put my pussy on your dick girl models
Well, I have to give them credit for not beating around the bush.
young girl models thong world
Wait a minute. There's just one girl modeling the entire thong world? She's going to be awfully busy. And chaffed.
blowjob clips lesbian orgy
If I were a lesbian, I'd be very offended that my orgy was being billed with blowjob clips.
hentai lesbian
What's "hentai"? Is this another Japanese thing? Boy, they sure do love their porn, don't they?
hot young teens asian girls hot
So hot they named it twice! You know, guys, there are homely Asian women out there. I've seen them. And Asian women are not privy to ancient sex secrets that the rest of the world isn't. Just get over it.
granny pussy
Oh, dude.
hot college girl saggy tits
This is an oxymoron. And, thus, very poor marketing.
galleries of hot moms
Another gallery! My favorite!
red hot chili peppers amateur porn
Is this what I think it is? Cuz I would LOVE to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers sex tapes. Unless Paris Hilton is in them. Which she probably is. Cuz she's in all of them. Except mine.
December 28, 2005
Ninja Bacon Pancakes
Things People Were Shopping for On the Internet When They Were Directed To My Site
1. assjet 2000
Is there such a thing? My curiosity is piqued, to say the least.
2. huckleberry pie costumes
Oh dear. Some mild-mannered, cat-dressing house-frau was just trying to complete her doll collection. Poor thing was probably horrified to hear that ol' Huck, allegedly, plays for the other team.
3. darling diva pink lemonade soap
Someone please send me some of this!
4. squirrel in a pirate outfit
Wait, forget the diva soap -- I'd rather have one of these.
5. porn doggie style pictures video -ale -grooming -gay -bakery -ebay -dogpile -forum -quiz
I think this person needs to narrow down their search if they want to find that perfect gift for Uncle Leon.
6. silky dresses and diapers for men stories
Two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree!
7. pie ninja bacon pancakes pirates
Pure. Awesome.
8. roofers leather knee pads
Oh, suuuuuuuuure they're for roofing.
9. bruce campbell panties
As soon as I finish this stupid post, I am Googling these and buying myself a pair.
10. jello oh my darling dessert
I know how you feel, my friend. Oh, my precious, darling Jello.
November 18, 2005
A Week of MTPB
Music To Pee Bydedicated to Nicholle
who coined the phrase
Monday, 10:32 a.m.
Favorite Things - Rogers & Hammerstein
I have no problem with this song, but what do you do when someone's in the bathroom and you really have to take a dump, and you know it's gonna be bad cuz you nearly died from your own farts? Do warn them? Do you painfully squeeze your buttcheeks together until they leave? Do you just go for it and figure, Hey, that's what we're here for?
Monday, 4:11 p.m.
Music of the Night - Andrew Lloyd Weber
Dear Christ, does anyone need to hear this EVER AGAIN?
Tuesday, 9:43 a.m.
From a Distance - Bette Midler
Now, I love Bette, I do, but what I want from Bette is tulle and tits and sequins and naughty banter. I don't want a message from God, and I sure don't want to be reminded that He's watching me... while I launch a sea-pickle.
Tuesday, 3:51 p.m.
Send in the Clowns - *sigh*
I wish I were making this up. I really do.
Wednesday, 10:19 a.m.
Cannon in D - Pachabel
Hasn't this song been played at enough weddings that it doesn't need to be played anywhere else, ever?
Wednesday, 11:35 a.m.
Tears in Heaven - Eric Clapton
I cry every damn time I hear this song. Without fail. And you know, if you're crying alone in a bathroom stall at work, it's really time to re-evaluate your life.
Wednesday, 1:36 a.m.
Lara's Theme - Some Russian Guy
My deepest regret is the eighteen hours of my life that I wasted watching this three-hour movie.
Thursday, 10:07 a.m.
The Music Box Dancer - Some Sick, Unimaginative Bastard
I took piano lessons for ten years when I was younger. My Mom made me learn this and play it over and over and over and over and over and over...
Thursday, 12:05 p.m.
Wind Beneath My Wings - Bette Midler
Every time I hear this song, I die a little bit inside. I came home from work once to find my first husband sitting alone, in the dark, watching Beaches and crying. When I stopped laughing, I told him to "Get a fucking job!"
Thursday, 3:04 p.m.
Witchcraft - Frank Sinatra
This song always makes me think of when Bart Simpson was working for the Springfield mob, and he walks into the kitchen singing this song and tells Marge to, "Gimme three fingers of milk."
Friday, 10:07 a.m.
Memory - Andrew Lloyd Weber
Oh, God, seriously?
Friday, 12:29 p.m.
Blue Velvet - ...I have no idea
All I can hear is Dennis Hopper screaming, "Mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!"
[If this list seems short, it's because some of the music was unidentifiable by me, not because I've stopped peeing every 20 minutes.]
Posted at 02:01 PM | Comments (6)November 04, 2005
Here Comes... The Bride!
Now that the All About Wenchie birthday week is over, I have to put up with A YEAR of All About Heather. Why? She done gone and got herself engaged.
There'll be no living with her now.
I now need a new name by which to mock her, and since Bridezilla is already taken (by that heinous t.v. show that encourages young women to act like monsters to that the rest of us can watch smugly and say to the men in our lives, "Well, at least I'm not that bitchy."), I'm considering the following:
1. Bride Kong
2. Frankenbride
3. Bride-ula
4. Bride of the Black Lagoon
5. Bride of the Opera
6. The Invisible Bride
7. Bride of Bride
8. Attack of the 50 Foot Bride
9. Jurassic Bride
10. The Bride!
Well, you get the picture.
She's getting hitched in Vegas, and I am crossing my fingers for the Elvis Chapel! Because, for one, it would make a GREAT blog entry, and two, I'd get to wear jeans.
The other option I'm rooting for is having the service on some Spanish gallion or something, because then I can dress like a pirate. And rape the bride.
Initially, I think I was in the running for Bridesmaid, and lemme just tell you -- I would only do it if I got to wear lime-green chiffon with a matching floppy hat and a big taffeta bow on my ass!
But I think I dodged that bullet and Heather's Brother is going to do it. Which is fine because he looks much better in hats than I do.
Okay, gotta go -- have to see how many times I can say, "Oh, you'd look gorgeous in that gown!" and still sound awe-struck and sincere.
Posted at 11:07 AM | Comments (4)October 17, 2005
Shop Early, Shop Often!
I turn 36 in two weeks, and to ease the blow, I am going to need the following gifts, preferrably wrapped in whimsical, hand-decorated paper, and tied with yards of pink satin and tulle:
1. Seasons IV, V and VI of "Xena: Warrior Princess" on DVD.
2. A date with Bruce Campbell. And by date, I mean hot, ravenous monkey sex. (I can't wait to see him in pink satin!) If Bruce is otherwise engaged on the 30th, I'll settle for his new book, Make Love the Bruce Campbell Way.
3. Miniature Chairs from Pottery Barn. The shipping is FREE, so at $69, they're practically giving them away!
4. One word: HOODIES.
5. I have recently begun flirting with this hot little number from Tiffany & Co. Mmmm, tall, shiney and handsome. I know he's out of my league, but I just won't rest until I possess him completely!
6. World peace and an end to all disease. (If not immediately available, I'll take a gift card.)
7. A new job as copy writer for the crap people put up for auction on eBay. Now there's a job I could have fun with! As you will see next week... (Ooooooh, foreshadowing!)
8. A first class plane ticket to go visit Scarlett Cyn in her homeland of, ohhhhh, let's say... Arabia.
9. A book entitled Ideas to Blog About for the Days That You're Totally Worthless. Or a book deal to write such a book.
10. Hallmark eCards from my readers to validate me.
Posted at 11:55 AM | Comments (4)August 03, 2005
100 Things About Me: Part One
[I know this is totally teenagery, but I just can't think of anything to blog about, and I'm currently juggling four projects. Unfortunately, you're the ones who have to suffer for it.]
1. I took piano lessons for 10 years, ages 5 to 15, and I was awesome. Then I quit to coach the varsity track team and meet boys.
2. My shoe size is 8½.
3. I have over 150 Barbies.
4. I don’t eat seafood. My mantra is “Nothing from the sea!” And yes, that includes shrimp. And tuna.
5. When I was a senior in high school, I won the Gwendolyn Brooks Illinois Poet Laureate Award and got to miss my graduation ceremony to go meet her. She was kewl.
6. I wear thong underwear cuz I hate VPL.
7. I have three tattoos. (I can hear Queenie now -- "Pictures, please!")
8. I have the recipe for Tollhouse Chocolate Chip Cookies memorized.
9. I have two sisters.
10. I’m the middle child.
11. I was often mistaken for a boy when I was a kid.
12. I’ve never finished a game of Monopoly. And I don't care.
13. Two years ago, I had my appendix, four inches of intestine, and a mass the size of a softball removed.
14. I still have my wisdom teeth, my tonsils and my gallbladder.
15. When I was little, and the other kids were taking horseback riding lessons or skiing, I was folk dancing.
16. I’m 5’8” in my bare feet.
17. I love the Beatles; can’t stand Elvis.
18. I have a 3 year old yellow lab named Daisy.
19. In 1986, I had mono and slept for three months straight. Prior to diagnosis, I had done ALL the rehearsals for both “Hello, Dolly!” at school and “The Pirates of Penzance” with a local theatre group. I wasn’t able to do any of the performances. I'm still bitter about it.
20. I have cousins who live in Norway and visit us every few years.
21. I have no qualms about skinny dipping, anytime, anywhere.
22. I suck at sports and hated every moment of every gym class. Except for the one day I climbed the rope to the top of the gym and was one of only three girls to make it into The Tarzan Club.
23. I cannot snap my fingers.
24. I didn’t get my period till I was 15.
25. I gained an entire bra cup-size when I was 20, without gaining any weight.
26. I’m the only one in my house who knows how to load a dishwasher.
27. From the time I moved out of my parents’ house at 19 to when I married Husband at 32, I moved nine times. I owe sooooooo many people!
28. Favorite authors in junior high: V.C. Andrews and Stephen King.
29. Favorite authors now: Neil Gaiman and Tom Robbins.
30. I lost my virginity two weeks before my 17th birthday.
31. I’ve seen “The Princess Bride” over 20 times, most of those in the theatre.
32. My favorite movie of all time is “Young Frankenstein.” It’s just brilliant.
33. When I shave my legs, I miss three hairs on each kneecap EVERY SINGLE TIME.
34. When my Mom was preggo with me, she was so sure I was going to be a boy, they didn’t even bother to pick out a girl name. I was Bradley. On the way home from the hospital, they got my name from a billboard. True story.
35. When I was little, my Mom wouldn’t let us get a dog, so she let us have hamsters, mice and gerbils. I named all mine after Gilbert & Sullivan characters. Nerd alert!
36. I weighted 8 lbs. 14 oz. at birth.
37. I love garlic.
38. I am Second Generation American.
39. My eyes are blue-grey.
40. I’ve noticed my CD collection consists of a large percentage of soundtracks -- movie and musical.
41. I have both my earlobes double-pierced, but I haven’t worn any earrings in the second holes for years.
42. I got an A in every single English class I ever took. EVER.
43. I flunked out of Algebra II in high school.
44. I’m a mezzo soprano.
45. Currently, I have participated in 156 transactions on eBay.
46. I’ve been on David Letterman’s show, twice. And yes, I mean on stage, not in the audience. And no, it wasn’t for Stupid Human Tricks.
47. Luke Perry once checked out my ass.
48. I have a dead tooth (a canine) and a veneer on it.
49. I hate pot roast. It's stringy.
50. I very deeply believe the old adage that Actions Speak Louder Than Words.
Posted at 03:13 PM | Comments (6)August 02, 2005
Arrr, I Got Yer Pirate Butt Right Here!
Well. I am humbled. My stats say I had 388 unique visitors stay for over a minute in July. (If they stay for less than a minute, they're probably spiders, robots, worms, ex-boyfriends, etc.)
If I added together all my relatives, friends, co-workers, health care providers, casual acquaintances, enemies, minions, stalkers, bank tellers, grocery baggers and neighbors, I STILL don't know 388 people.
So for 388 sentient beings to be -- freely and of their own will -- reading my dorky blog, well, that's fucking AMAZING. Now, if each of my 388 readers were to send me a dollar...
Top Ten Search Keyphrases for July
1. pirate wench
2. piratewench.org
3. wench
4. morningfield s
5. naked wench
6. gagged pirate queen
7. owen wilson licks ass
8. slutty pirate
9. owen wilson licks butt
10. pirate butt
To all of you who wanted to know more about Owen Wilson's ass-licking habit, I say -- WELCOME! You have a home here! Come, be enfolded in the bosom of acceptance! No one here will judge you for your pervy, tongue-bathing fetish! We embrace normal people and sickos alike!
Get great Halloween costumes at our convenient costume store online. Everything you need in costumes from A to Z. Pirate costumes and even adult costumes for dress-up time or for fun!
Posted at 03:11 PM | Comments (2)
June 28, 2005
These Are a Few of My Favorite Things!
Know what I love about you, my loyal readers -- and commenters? You're at least as funny as I am. And when funny people read my blog, it means I can believe that I'm funny.
(You like how I do that? Turn it around and make it all about me?)
So here are some of my favorite comments from recent posts. These aren't the only ones that made me chuckle and snigger and guffaw. It's just a smattering.
(Those are fun words!)
From: Heather’s Birthday: The Journey Ends
Re: Five-layer chocolate cake with buttercream frosting.
"I must say, in many ways you are a girl after my own heart. (Probably after it with dull utensils and a shocking lack of respect for where the blood splatters, but that's an aside.)"
~ some_other_dave
From: Pimpin’ In My Hooptie
Re: The car disintegrating around me so that I scooch to a halt on my smoking buttocks, legs splayed out in front of me, still holding the steering wheel, a la Wile E. Coyote.
"This whole entry was just an excuse for you to talk about your 'smoking buttocks,' wasn't it?"
~ Marty
From: When Doves Cry, It’s Because of This Sweater
Re: 
"In 1986 I would have worn it with a black turtle neck, black mini skirt, cobalt blue tights, black socks and penny loafers with dimes in them. With a banana clip and big earrings. Oh! And cobalt blue eyeliner."
~ Anne
From: Band Names
Re: List of Top Ten Search Keyphrases
"I was in a band back in high school called 'The Salty Pirate Verb' -– we were a Queen cover band. Had to disband though. The football team kept beating us up at our own gigs. I don’t know why. They may have been uncomfortable with my sequined jumpsuit that highlighted my 'bulges.'"
~ Heather’s timid co-worker
From: Batman Purely, Awesomely Begins
Re: Whom to replace with CHRISTIAN BALE on my List of Five
"You can take Owen off -- because if push comes to shove I will shove you down an empty elevator shaft to get to that man -- so basically why have him on if you don't have a chance?"
~ Queen of Fucking Everything
From: Anne Makes My Dreams Come True
Re: Me buying a pink fanny pack
"Wow, Wenchie, on the off-chance that you have British readers, do you know what 'fanny' means over there? *cringes*"
~ Celtic Elff
[Seriously, I have no idea what “fanny” means in England, so if someone could enlighten me…?]
From: The Yin to Heather’s Yang
Re: A list I made of Anne’s nice qualities, cuz I was talking about Heather waaaaaaay too much.
"I can't believe you would even think about writing about someone else, Wenchie. after all we've been through together! I mean, I read stuff! AND I know stuff about things!!! THINGS!!!!"
~ Heather
From: And I Thought MY Dog Was Weird
Re: My sister's dog eating frogs.
"Frogs, worms, rabbit turds (nature's Milkduds), dead birds (she'd eat live ones if she could catch one, which she tries to every day), grass (seriously, she grazes like a cow), and flies! She actually caught a fly in the house yesterday. It was very entertaining to watch and I was happy to be rid of the little bugger. At least she's good for something!"
~ My Sister
And of course, there are the inevitable comments from people who want me to loose weight, borrow money from them, or enlarge my PEN15, but they're just not funny.
Okay, the PEN15 ones are a little funny.
Posted at 01:33 PM | Comments (11)June 06, 2005
Made To Pee Outside
People may be wackos, but at least they never fail to disappoint me.
Top Ten Search Keyphrases for PirateWench.org
1. pirate wench
2. wench
3. kidnapped bound gagged naked made to pee outside
4. pirate workout
5. plastered pirate
6. pirate wench costume
7. lean cuisines
8. pirate party menu
9. googles women wearing panties
10. napolean dynomite dance
And now, my horrified comments because, really, how can I resist?
Number Four
Made to pee outside. I don't understand this. Is the soul purpose of the kidnapping just to watch someone pee in the woods? Why not just take some friends camping? Seems like an awful lot of trouble for very little pay-off.
Number Four
Pirate workout? So, pilates and step-aerobics aren't workin' for ya? What would a pirate workout entail? Hoisting the mainstay? Dancing a hornpipe? Digging a really deep hole?
Number Five
Plastered pirate is redundant. That you're drunk off your peg-leg is pressumed when you assume the title of Pirate.
Number Seven
This is the actual page I'm sure they found when searching on lean cuisines. Wouldn't it be funny if Heather's dumbass co-worker was searching for a sale on Lean Cuisines and found that page about herself? That's too good to even hope for.
Number Eight
If you're reading this, and you're having a party that includes a pirate menu, PLEASE INVITE ME!!!
Number Nine
*sigh*
Number Ten
I'm so excited about Napolean Dynomite fans finding me. Nerds of a feather!
May 24, 2005
Pirate Wench's Patented Guide to Junior High Insults
Take a word from Column A and combine with a word from Column B:
Voila! Something to call your BFF when they walk home with someone else or don't pick you first for kickball at recess!
"Dawn didn't spot me right for my pennydrop, so I fell and broke my Swatch watch! She's such a buttwipe!"
Hee hee! They make me giggle. I think dicklick is my fav, 'cause it rhymes.
Posted at 11:29 AM | Comments (3)May 19, 2005
Linky McLinkerstein
Yeah, so Heather's obviously as bored an unmo