June 07, 2010
Options, In No Particular Order
For the past few weeks, I've been struggling. Struggling to sleep, struggling to focus on the task at hand, struggling with too many choices. Employment choices, to be exact. The next few weeks to months will mean changes in how I make money, if I make any.
There are so many ways this all could play out, it's overwhelming, but I can't tolerate the thought of just letting it all work itself out. I want to be in charge of my own life, but there are so many decisions that fall to other people. The control freak in me is slamming her head against the wall.
[I trust that the handfull of people whom I work with and who read this blog will keep my secrets.]
Option #1: My Current Job
My contract ends August 31, less than three months away, and it's unclear whether or not it will be renewed. I know Head Boss wants to keep me, as do PhD Boss and Alpha (the Sr. Admin.), but I'm sure that the trolls in H.R. have other ideas. Since I am neither a Person of Color, nor a Youth, nor a member of the Boys Club, I am pretty much a leper.
Option #2: The Recently Applied For Position (RAFP)
I recently applied for another position in the company I'm with now. Higher level, better pay, and PERMANANT. The job is made for me, really. Because of downsizing, it's a combination of three positions, all of which I've actually done before, in my intra-company travels as a temp. I'm currently waiting for an initial interview.
However -- and there's always a however with these people -- as much as the people I'd be working for/with would LOVELOVELOVE to see me get the RAFP, I know that, as a 40 year old white woman, I am basically invisible to H.R., specifically in terms of any promotion. Also? If I do get the RAFP, I will be offered crap pay, for the usual reasons -- skin color, gender, age.
(My working title for this post was "Why Being a 40-Year Old White Woman Is the Kiss of Death.")
Option #3: Possible Other Position (POP)
There is a possible second job within the company, the one that will be vacated when JB skips town. However, that department is currently undergoing yet another "re-structuring" (i.e. scramble to make sure all responsibilities are covered despite the hemorraging of employees). I have been approached by JB's boss, whom I've temped for, and sure, I'd be interested! ... If everything else falls through. See, there probably won't be a pay increase, and it may even be just parttime. Which is better than NO time, obviously, so I will keep this iron in the fire.
Option #4: The New Venture
This option is highly-classified-top-secret, so of COURSE I'm blogging about it on the worldwide internets. PhD Boss may be leaving to start a new venture, which isn't exactly illegal, so I don't know why it's a big, hairy secret. It's a pretty exciting venture, and he wants me in on it, as their support person. Seven to ten hours a week, at first, working up to fulltime within a year to eighteen months. There's just so much unknown and so much to finesse with this one. It's a huge honor, considering the brilliant people I'd be working for/with, but right now, it's just a giant question mark.
Option #5: Unemployment
This isn't much of an option, although it may be an unavoidable eventuality. It is quite possible that options one through four all fall through. And then I'll be stuck begging for odd jobs and going on *gulp* INTERVIEWS. Have I mentioned that I've never, ever interviewed? Yeah. My jobs have always just falled into my lap. I have no idea how to interview, and I can't help but feel that relying on my quick wit and charm is a really bad idea.
Option #6: Ridiculous Idea
I've often wondered if people would PAY me to run their errands for them...
May 27, 2010
Farmer Wenchie
On Wednesday, we had a bunch of out-of-town guests at work for some super-important meeting of highfalutin brainiacs who will change the world and bring about universal peace and prosperity. Which means that I got to use my 146 I.Q. and other mad skillz to play hostess, waitress, maid and chauffer. My fav.
Luckily, my friend K pulled me back from the brink of mass murder by inviting me to attend a gala charity event that evening in the heart of our hometown. Imagine -- peon Wenchie rubbing shoulders with the rich and philanthropic! Plus, free cocktails! We ate our way through the community's finer establishments, picking up complimentary coupons and margaritas on the way.
A lovely ending to a craptacular day, but in total, I spent thirteen hours on my feet in painful grown-up shoes. My hips, knees and ankles let me know exactly how much they didn't appreciate that kind of abuse, and I woke up the next morning nearly crippled.
(Can I still say "crippled?" Because saying that "I woke up the next morning nearly differently-abled" just doesn't sound as funny. Or does it? Well, just pick whichever one sounds funnier to you. Wenchie's Multiple-Choice-Humor Blog! Next week: Paint-By-Number Porn!)
Getting to my point, I was already pretty stiff and achey and aged by Saturday morning, when it was time to do our annual Mom's-Birthday-Plus-Mother's-Day spring planting over at Mommie Dearest's palatial homestead.
Husband and I went to Home Depot early, where it took him an hour to pick out seven plants. Seven. That's about 8.6 minutes per plant. Plus, we had to pick up several bags of mulch and some fertilizer. Otherwise known as POO. I had to drive with poo in my car.
Reason Number Twelve Why I Hate Gardening: There is poo involved. On purpose.
And in case you're wondering:
Reasons One through Eleven Why I Hate Gardening
1. Dirt.
2. Sun.
3. Sweating.
4. Kneeling.
5. Digging.
6. Bending over.
7. Bugs.
8. Worms.
9. Squatting.
10. Weeds.
11. Sun hats.
This is why my house is so clean, especially in the summer. I'd rather be doing ANYTHING than gardening.
Moving on.
By the time we arrived at Mom and Dad's, Dad was awake and in the mood to take advantage of a kindness. Tears are forming in my eyes as I think of how I can break this to you. My darlings. Your queen, your goddess, your beloved Wenchie... had to dig bushes out of the ground.
I know. I know! Try to be strong, kittens. Be strong for Mommy! I'm still having heart palpatations. I need you to be the wind beneath my wings right now.
I had to dig dirt. With a shovel. Do you know how to get a root ball out of the ground? You have to, like, put the shovel in the ground near it and then jump on the shovel. With the neighbors watching! It was humiliating.
Once the ground was prepped for planting, Husband made me help him put the plants in the ground. You know what that means? I had to dig in the dirt with my hands. LIKE AN ANIMAL.
*sob* It was horrible. Horrible!
Now I know why people used to die at age 30. Because they couldn't stand up straight! So if they fell over, while plowing or weeding or harvesting, they'd just have to lie there. Like a turtle. Limbs flailing. Unable to get back up because their center of gravity was all screwed up with the hunching.
Clearly, it is a testament to my love for my Mother that I would garden for her, uncomplaining, in quiet dignity and grace.
Posted at 06:31 AM | Comments (0)May 20, 2010
The Levels of Office Attire
PhD Boss was waxing philosophic the other day...
PhD: It's so quiet. I wonder why it's so quiet around here.
PW: Um, could it be the impending sense of doom? Knowing that another round of lay-offs is a WHEN, not an IF?
PhD: Really?
PW: Or it could be the bitterness of knowing that, despite taking on the responsibilities of all the people who were laid-off, none of us are getting a raise for at least two years.
PhD: You think that's it?
PW: I know that's why I'm bitter.
PhD: Are you bitter?
PW: Have we met?
I was relating this story to my work-friend, JB -- yes, she and I hate all the same people -- and she said that she was noticing a definite decline in the appropriateness of what people are wearing to work.
Since JB and I are both facing probable impending unemployment -- she because her hubby will soon be taking a job in a galaxy far, far away; me because my contract expires on August 31 -- we decided we should probably document...
The Levels of Office Attire
Suits, Ties, Skirts
The upper-echelon of business wear. I have made my career decisions specifically to avoid having to wear tailored jackets and waist-to-toe nylons.
Button-Down Shirt, Dress Slacks
Okay, you're not full-on formal, but you're obviously still a contender.
Polo, Khakis
De rigour for business casual. The uniform of mid-level executives and Target employees alike.
Henleys & Corduroys, Hoodies & Jeans
Perhaps, if you dress them up with a bespangled scarf, no one will notice that you're losing interest.
Yoga Pants, T-Shirt with Necklace
When your job is slowly sucking your soul, you don't have to energy to take off your clothes before crawling into bed and going fetal for ten hours. (I have a fabulous necklace collection. Even PhD Boss has said so.)
Walking Around the Office with Shoes Off, Socks Optional
Some people spend so much time dicking around on Facebook, they forget they aren't at home.
Sweats or Shorts
I firmly believe that capris fit in here, especially when worn with flip-flops or Crocs, but some may argue. Those some are wrong.
Pajamas
Plaid, flannel pants. Oversized t-shirt. Bathrobe. Perpetual mug of coffee, optional. Did you know that, with Netflix, you can stream cartoons directly to your computer?
Bathrobe
JB: Wait. We just covered that.
PW: No, I mean bathrobe only. When you don't even care if people see your wang.
January 05, 2010
2010 Wench-olutions
Modified from my 2009 resolutions...
1. Call my Mom twice a week, just to make sure she isn't lying in the icey driveway with a broken hip. I try to institute The W Rule -- Wednesdays and weekends.
2. Keep in touch with my friends better, including all the friends from grade school that I have reconnected with, thanks to FaceBook, which is turning out NOT to be an introvert's wet dream, thankyouverymuch.
3. Cook healthy meals more often because we both need to lose weight, and I have two hours to myself before Husband gets home from work, so there's just no good reason not to. (Well, actually, there are PLENTY of good reasons not to -- see resolutions two, four through seven, and nine.)
4. Sing more often, even if it's just in the car because that "O Little Town of Bethlehem" at the Christmas Day service was just pathetic.
5. Take better care of the dogs. I mean, I'm not abusive or anything, but they REALLY need to be brushed and walked more regularly. And maybe if I cut Daisy's nails more often, she wouldn't have a deep-rooted fear of the linoleum.
6. Blog twice a week, even if it's just a paragraph or photo. Or a rehashed New Years' Resolutions List.
7. Start writing my damn book already. How about one chapter by 2011, okay, Wenchie? Or at least the introduction and dedication page?
8. Stop pretending that I am a photo album kind of person and just put all my electronic photos on the cool flash drive that Husband got me for Christmas. Seriously, I haven't looked at a photo album in YEARS. Or see if they have any cute photo boxes at Target because I am totally a box kind of person (thanks, Lori!).
9. Start playing piano again, before arthitis starts to set in. I'm forty now, so it's bound to start happening! I'm already having trouble seeing things up close! Can death be far behind? What's that, Grandma? Walk towards the light?
10. Upgrade our current outdated, delapitated, Smithsonian-worthy t.v. to a new, wide flatscreen. Make a deal with Jeebus, if necessary -- no new Coach purses in 2010 if I can just have a new t.v.!
Now to print this off and hang it somewhere I'll always see it. Like inside the fridge.
Posted at 08:44 PM | Comments (0)December 31, 2009
A Wench-trospective
So. Let's see how well I did with my 2009 resolutions, and then judge me harshly so the rest of you can all feel superior. What fun!
1. Call my Mom more often, just to make sure she isn't trapped under a pile of Dad's crap. Well, I sucked at this for most of the year, but I've gotten better lately... mainly because I HAVE to call her every other day to see if they're both lying with broken hips in the driveway.
2009 is officially known as The Year of Dad's Grabber, so he's not allowed to touch a snow shovel anymore. Nor is Mom, not that she listens.
Yes, Mommie Dearest, I'm lookin' at you! If you want me to keep calling come spring time, you'd better do as you're told! (I'm pretty sure that resolutions should not include threats and ultimatums, but you don't know this woman! I will handle this!)
2. Keep in touch with my friends better, and not just via Facebook SuperPoke. "Poking" someone or commenting on their status is not the same as calling or even emailing or texting them. So easy to fall back on FB to do all my work for me.
I did have breakfast with Egrau TWICE in the past two months, and I even drove out to North Aurora to see Lola... once. Yeah, I suck. FaceBook is an introvert's wet dream. I'm workin' on it, people!
3. Remember that Husband lets me work part-time so that I can better take care of our affairs while he's working 60 hours a week, so I'd better get off my ass more often and vacuum up all this dog hair. Ahhh, remember the good ol' days when I didn't work? Ha. Yeah. Well. THAT little arrangement has gone the way of the cassette tape.
Thanks to the recession, I went back to whoring fulltime. The dogs are gonna have to vacuum up their own damn hair, and Husband is gonna have to put away his own damn laundry. This resolution requires modification.
4. Get back down to my wedding weight (and bring Husband with me). BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA *huge intake of air* HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Actually, Husband is doing quite well, ever since he started taking the Metra downtown and walking a mile between the train and work. I'm going to have to start slipping more butter into his food...
5. Turn 40 gracefully and with a HUGE FREAKIN' PARTY. Done and done! I rocked The Paradise, The Casbash AND This Town! So now I need a new #5.
6. Blog every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, even if it's just a paragraph or photo. Pffft. It's more realistic to just lower my standards. And ask you to lower yours. Again, this resolution was created back in the dreamy Me No Work phase of my life.
7. Start writing my damn book already. What the hell am I waiting for?! I'm waiting for everyone in my family to die so that I can write about them without them getting mad at me. Hmmm, I'd better start taking better care of myself if I expect to outlive all these assholes...
8. Print all my photos and get them into albums, regardless of how many people mock me for my old-fashionedness. I have since discovered boxes of photographs that I'd forgotten I had. This goal needs to be altered. It's good to be versitile, right?
9. Start playing piano again, before arthitis starts to set in. Well, I haven't started playing again, but neither has arthritis started to set in. So let's call this one a wash.
10. Take my bucket o' change to the bank and open a savings account for our 2010 trip to Norway. Well, I started the year with $18.99 in our Norway account, which wouldn't even cover the Xanax I'm going to need in order to fly over the Atlantic.
Then the market crashed, and our Norway Account became our Big Screen T.V. Account. Had to set our sights a little lower. Just made another deposit from the change jar, and we're up to nearly a grand! Soon, we'll be watching a documentary on Norway on a 55" screen!
Posted at 11:17 AM | Comments (1)November 04, 2009
I Don't Wanna Hear It
Well, it's getting to be That Time Again. I feel compelled to compile a list of the things I don't want anyone to say to me ever, ever again.
1. I'm not ready for winter.
2. It got so cold out!
3. Seems like just last week it was in the 70s!
4. I hate winter.
5. Cold enough for you?
6. Is it summer yet?
7. I can't believe it's so cold out!
8. Aren't you cold?
9. When is that global warming going to kick in?
10. I think this cold weather is because of the global warming.
Suck it up, people! You live in Chicago! Unless this is your first winter here and you moved here from the equator, this is not new. Coldness is not a surprise. But let's review, shall we? Just in case some idiots need a refresher course.
Spring in Chicago = flash floods.
Summer in Chicago = jungle-like humidity.
Autumn in Chicago = absolutely perfect but ridiculously short.
Winter in Chicago = bitter, freezing, deathly cold, and that's without he wind chill factor.
There. See what I did there? Now you are unable to be caught off guard. Huzzah for you!
And as long as I'm satiating my anal-retentive need to make lists, here are the few exceptions to my Never Talk About The Weather rule:
1. If it is wamer in Anchorage, Alaska, than it is here.
2. If the snow on the ground, without drifting, measures four feet or higher.
3. If you are having to scrape ice off your car in August.
4. If it is hailing big enough pieces of ice to render one unconscious.
5. If it is hailing frogs.
6. If it is raining blood.
7. If you have only ever seen snow in pictures.
8. If you are homeless and could die from cold.
9. If you are an honest-to-God farmer with a working farm and depend on mild weather in order to feed your family.
10. If you are an autistic savant and your one area of expertise is weather.
If none of these apply, then you can either shut up or move. Those are your only two options.
Now go put on a sweater.
Posted at 03:29 PM | Comments (4)September 14, 2009
An Open Letter To Boss' Colleagues
To Whom It May Concern:
As the sorely-underpaid, temporary administrative assistant to an extremely frenetic man, I feel professionally obligated to inform you of the following:
1. I do not posess the ability to make time magically appear on Boss' calendar. My superpowers are limited to typing at the speed of light and Herculean patience. I cannot, yet, bend the ways of the universe to my whims.
2. If you wish to meet with Boss, you must give me more than a few day's notice. I am currently scheduling for March 2010.
3. If you, a grown-up, miss two deadlines, I am not required to be polite when reminding you of that fact.
4. My job description does not include dialing Boss' phone and holding it up to his ear. If he doesn't return your call, don't imply that I didn't give him your message. That's just a self-fulfilling prophecy waiting to happen.
5. If you are calling from a cell phone in Senegal, write me an email.
6. If you only started speaking English three months ago, write me an email.
7. I really hope, for your safety, that you're not telling me how you like your coffee because you expect me to get it for you.
8. There is a Search feature on our website. Please give it a whirl BEFORE calling me to ask for something.
9. Don't ever thank me "in advance" for something that I may choose NOT to do.
10. I. Am. No. One's. Bitch.
Disrespectfully yours,
Wenchie
September 07, 2009
Welcome to Ruralville. Population: Wenchie
...was among the many things in the middle of the damn road on this trip:
1. A lone cow, sans farmer or obvious destination.
2. Four tourists on scooters, riding four abreast.
3. A hitchhiker on a bicycle, laden with ridiculous amounts of camping gear, whom I took pity on and drove to the campgrounds. It wasn't until later that I found out that Schwinn + camping gear is pretty much the equivalent of big van + heavy couch.
Posted at 09:02 PM | Comments (1)August 24, 2009
The Celebration Continues
Tomorrow is the One Week Anniversary of My Five Year Blogging Anniversary! Yeah, I'm almost as tired of it as you are. But I still thought it would be fun to look back on the PW.org subheadings from previous years.
(You'll note that the lists starts in 2005, although I actually started blogging in 2004. That's because I was originally found on LiveJournal. I didn't start the subheadings until Heather created this site for me in 2005. Little bit o' Wenchie trivia there for ya. I'll take Crappy, Pointless Blogs for $500, Alex.)
2005
I can't make this stuff up, folks.
Soccer Moms Tied & Gagged
On my cPanel, I saw that this is what someone Googled, which brought them to my site. I don't know why.
Home of the Hashbrown Sammich
From a sign outside a restaurant in Wisconsin.
The Salty Pirate Verb
No idea.
Now on the Pirate Party Menu - Lean Cuisines!
God went on vacation and left me in charge!
"Turtle Head" is the new VAGINA!
What the -- ?
Hooliganism, Debauchery & Shenanigans
On the top of Santa's Shit List
2006
Practically a Lady
This is what my cousin Ramone calls me.
on the top of the Worst Dressed List
Not Your Average Smelly Pirate Hooker
When she was good, she was very good; and when she was bad, she was horrid!
From a poem my Grandma used to recite to me. I have no idea why.
Nobody puts Wenchie in a corner!
a.k.a. Alice in WonderBra
2007
W is for Wayward, Winsome & Wry
Only tested on animals that aren't cute.
Searching for the purple banana 'til they put me in the truck.
You should know this one.
Always in The Bottom Two
Ask not for whom the Wench blogs. She blogs for thee.
You'll never see a more wretched hive of scum and villiany.
This one, too.
In her satin tights! Fighting for our rights!
Name that theme song!
When the Wench is out a-wooing, who can woo so well?
Lifted from "Sighing Softly to the River" from "Pirates of Penzance." It's actually quite a beautiful and underrated ballad.
The jig is up, the news is out -- they finally found me.
We sing a love song, as we stroll along, walkin' 'round in ruffled underwear!
2008
But you can call me Wenchie.
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful; there are so many better reasons.
The morals of a Shark, the ethics of a Swine, and the Blackest soul this side of Hell
I forget where this is from...
Putting the Fool in Tomfoolery
Providing 100% of the U.S. RDA of Vagina
Does she walk? Does she talk? Does she come complete?
Your Own Personal Jeebus (reach out & touch blog)
Rock on, Depeche Mode!
I don't need permission, make my own decisions -- that's my per-blog-ative!
I mis-quote a lot of songs, apparently.
Bloggin' around the Christmas tree, it's a happy va-jay-jay!
2009
Your Favorite Social Disease
Ev'ry time I see you falling, I get down on my knees and blog.
Is this also Depeche Mode?
Payin' anything to roll the dice just one more time.
Now loitering on a Facebook page near you.
The Unexamined Life
I'm a snogger. I'm a flogger. I'm a midnight blogger.
I am NOT a Role Model
Come for the breasts, stay for the brains!
A quote from "The Big Bang Theory," my new favorite show.
Well, that brings us up to date. Nothing more to see here. Move along, folks.
August 21, 2009
Blogging Anniversary Gifts
It's been three days since I announced my Five Year Blogging Anniversary, and I have yet to arrive home to find my mailbox stuffed with congratulatory gifts. So I know what you're thinking -- "What do I get someone for such a landmark blogging anniversary?" Your prayers are answered, my friends. I'm here to help.
Wenchie's Hallmark-Approved* Guide to Blogging Anniversary Gifts
One Year
Traditional: Paper
Modern: Plastic/Clock
Blogging: Mousepad with nerdy blogging joke on it.
Two Years
Traditional: Cotton
Modern: China
Blogging: Chinese Food (I like Kung Pao Chicken!).
Three Years
Traditional: Leather
Modern: Flowers
Blogging: Pink, flowered wrist-braces.
Four Years
Traditional: Flowers
Modern: Linen/Silk
Blogging: O*P*I nail polish in "I Told You Not To Blog About Me" red.
Five Years
Traditional: Wood
Modern: Silverware
Blogging: Tiny, wooden hand (you have to scroll down to the photo to begin understanding the significance of the tiny, wooden hand).
And just so you're prepared for next August 18...
Six Years
Traditional: Candy
Modern: Iron
Blogging: 3 lb. tub of Naylor Buttermints. (Why do they even bother with 9 oz. packages? More sugar = better blogs!)
* Hallmark may or may not have actually approved this list.
August 18, 2009
My Half-Decade Anniversary
HAPPY FIVE YEAR ANNIVERSARY TO ME!
Five years ago today, I launched my blogging career with this, my maiden post. Since then, I have found great friends, stretched my writing capabilities, and even signed some autographs. Okay, one. But, hey, at least it wasn't for my Mom!
Five years... *sigh* Why the hell aren't I famous, yet?!
As some of you know very, very well, there have been some rough times in the past five years, and I have become even more embittered. I like to think it's part of my charm. So it's no surprise that I have some thoughts about the sunshiney attitude with which I inaugurated a blog which has since celebrated all things vagina-y, fucked-up, and hate-filled.
1. You don't have to be hungry to eat ice cream.
But you do have to be alive in order to eat it. So don't eat it every day. Have a salad once in a while. It'll suck, but you'll thank me later.
2. If something needs to be done, just shut up and do it.
Seriously, people, martyrdom creates so much more drama than necessary. If someone asks you something, and you say Yes but then spend the next several days ragging about it, do us all a favor and shoot yourself in the head. You know who was a martyr? Peter. So unless your hanging upsidedown with nails in your extremities, don't come bitching to me.
3. Always say “please” and “thank you.”
Even if it's someone you know really, really well and with whom you have a really, really casual relationship, like your parents or your spouse. Manners tell people that you are educated and worth not shooting in the head.
4. Tip generously.
If you can't afford to be generous, stay home and make yourself a PB&J.
5. If it's cold and rainy out, nap.
I really can't stress this enough.
6. It's okay to be geeky, nerdy and/or uncool.
I'm pretty sure that nerd is the new cool. In fact, it might have been the new cool for so long now that it's already passe. But I don't think it's retro, yet, so yeah, put those comic books back in the basement and hang your head in shame like a good, little nerd. I'll let you know when it's okay to come back out.
7. You don't have to answer the phone.
Your cell phone is for YOUR convenience, not everyone else's. That's why it has an Off button.
8. Smile at people.
Especially if you're insulting them or giving them total shit. It makes them think you're flirting, and you can get away with being an absolute jackass.
9. Use your turn signal.
I don't care where you are or how much traffic there is or what any of your external or internal influences are -- USE YOUR FUCKING TURN SIGNAL. ALWAYS.
10. Be the only one laughing.
I often am. Usually at completely inappropriate times in a movie. That's why I go on Tuesdays. Yup, that was me.
Thank you all for reading. It means more to me than you know. Thank you all for commenting -- we're nearing 2000 total! Thank you, internet, for making it possible to write for people despite not having a publisher... or talent.
Thank you SOOOOOOOO MUCH to Heather -- my Muse, my Designer, my Fan Club, and The Wind Beneath My Wings. Without her, you'd all still be reading Dooce.
You may now commence leaving me congratulatory comments and sending emails full of gushing love -- or hatred, whatever -- to piratewenchdotorg@yahoo.com.
Posted at 03:02 PM | Comments (6)July 08, 2009
Loud 'n' Proud!
Top Ten Most Awesome Things About the Gay Pride Parade
10. Drinking before noon. On the street.
9. Leather. Leather. Leather.
8. Hot, mostly-naked men, smiling and waving at me.
7. Gay Republicans -- "Big dicks. Small government."
6. No kids running into the street.
5. Naughty Catholic Schoolgirl Dykes on Bikes!
3. Did I mention the leather?
2. Assless naughty catholic schoolgirl skirt.
And the number one most awesome thing about the Pride Parade?
1. My date.
June 22, 2009
Happy Day After Father's Day
10 Things You Probably Don't Know About My Dad
1. He got his appendix out when he was in grade school, and the first thing he asked his doctor when he woke up from surgery was, "Can I sleep on my tummy now?"
2. Whenever his mother couldn't find him, she would always check the alley first, where he would undoubtedly be garbage picking.
3. He can play most stringed instuments, including guitar, banjo, ukelalee and violin.
4. He fixed Jeeps in the U.S. Army during the Korean War.
5. He can build anything. ANYTHING.
6. He used to build his own firearms as a child, and once shot a whole clean through his parents' garage -- in one side, out the other.
7. Homemade firearms is mainly responsible for his hearing loss. Kids, don't try this at home!
8. Within my lifetime, he was able to do a handspring. I shit you not. I've seen it, when he was in a production of Oklahoma.
9. He has sung the romantic tenor lead in many Gilbert & Sullivan operettas, including The Gondoliers, H.M.S. Pinafore and Patience.
10. When he calls me his "lump," he swears it's short for "lump-of-sugar."
Posted at 08:03 AM | Comments (1)March 02, 2009
The Chore List
I am officially confirming what you have all known for years -- there's something wrong with me. I'm physically unable to function in what's commonly known as The Real World. (I.e. the universal reality of life, not the t.v. show.)
How do people do this? What does everyone do when they go home?
After working an eight-hour day, do you guys, like, make a balanced, tasty meal, clean your house, tend to your pets and/or children, pay the bills, run a couple errands, exercise, have a meaningful conversation with your spouse/life partner, and get to bed before sunrise? Because, if you do, I worship at your feet and beg that you show me the secret of your time-bending physics.
On a typical day, I run one errand on the way home from work, make a sandwich or mac 'n' cheese, feed and take out the dogs, glare resentfully at the dog hair that needs to be vacuumed up, spend 15 minutes straightening up the house, and then plant my ass in front of the t.v., struggling to stay awake past 7:30 p.m.
I SUCK AT THIS! I'm so laughably inadequate at living the typical American life, I should probably be deported. I need to become a shepherd in the Laplands or something.
Husband has offered, quite sincerely, to help with the chores, but much of the time, I can't abide his version of "helping."
Loading the Diswasher
If Husband loads the dishwasher, he will get exactly seven things in it before running out of room. Despite being an architect, he just can't figure out spactial relations between the dishes and the racks that will result in the optimal amount of dishes getting washed. Therefore, he is not allowed to load the dishwasher.
Laundry
A beautiful, charcoal grey, V-neck, cashmere sweater from Banana Republic. Shrunk. 'Nuff said.
Making the Bed
Husband hogs the covers. By morning, he has enough covers so that they are touching the ground on his side of the bed. I invariably have to rely on supplemental blankets, gotten in the middle of the night, to make sure I have enough coverage to ward off hypothermia. And when he makes the bed, does he realign the covers? No. He leaves fourteen feet hanging off of his side, and two inches on my side. If I didn't remake the bed, and that was the way we began the night, I'd end up naked and shivering on the floor by 1:00 a.m.
So let's recap. I don't want to do all the housework by myself, yet I don't like the way Husband does it. By my calculations, that means that I absolutely 100% deserve every ounce of stress and fatigue I incur.
Alrightythen.
Posted at 06:36 AM | Comments (2)February 27, 2009
Dr. Hottie Should Go On Tour
Wenchie's List of Non-Sports-Related Injuries for Which She Has Seen Dr. Hottie
1. Pain in shin acquired while crossing the street, walking at approximately have-to-pick-up-the-phone-before-it-goes-to-voicemail speed for three seconds.
2. Tennis elbow from using the computer mouse too vigorously while trying to keep current on all the new eyeshadow shades on Sephora.com.
3. Sprained ankle from falling on the ice while taking out the garbage. Barely even made it off the back porch.
4. Injured shoulder from falling partway down some stairs, even though one's shoulder is generally the body part almost farthest from the stairs, when one is walking normally.
And the latest and greatest...
5. Pinched nerve in shoulder from hunching over my computer keyboard sixteen hours a day and then sleeping in a fetal position for the remaining eight.
If there's a way to hurt myself while remaining absolutely motionless, I've done it, or will do it in the very near future. I'm the most injured bookworm I know. Gerald Ford is like, "Damn, that girl is clumsy!"
So I walk into Dr. Hottie's office, and he always has to wait a minute before noticing me. He likes to pretend that he hasn't been looking forward to my visit all day. It's cute.
So the assitants say Hi, and he looks up from a folder like, "Oh, hi!"
And then he asks, "Did everyone compliment you on your hooter today?"
No, that's not a typo. One hooter. As in, I was wearing an owl pendant on my necklace. Which it took me about half a second to remember before I started laughing hysterically.
The older assistant blushed and was all, "What? What did you say to her? That's not appropriate!" And the younger one just kept looking sideways at us like she had no idea how to react.
I said, "You just say stuff like that because you know I'll put you in my blog."
And he was right. So as long as I'm talking about him, I accidentally left my card i.d. badge in his office. Upon further reflection, it was probably pretty Freudian of me. I went yesterday morning before work to pick it up.
He goes, "I was doing to drop it by your house, but I ran out of time."
Dr. Hottie knows where I live?!?! Almost dropping my i.d. at my house is the grown-up-and-married equivalent of almost riding his bike past my house, doncha think? Pretty soon, he'll be almost calling me and hanging up when I answer!
Posted at 07:46 AM | Comments (2)December 31, 2008
We'll Drink a Cup of Kindness Yet
Wenchie's 2009 New Year's Resolutions
I know I've said that I don't make resolutions, but I think it's time that I started because I'm halfway to dead, and I'm just not getting anything done.
1. Call my Mom more often, just to make sure she isn't trapped under a pile of Dad's crap.
2. Keep in touch with my friends better, and not just via Facebook SuperPoke.
3. Remember that Husband lets me work part-time so that I can better take care of our affairs while he's working 60 hours a week, so I'd better get off my ass more often and vacuum up all this dog hair.
4. Get back down to my wedding weight (and bring Husband with me).
5. Turn 40 gracefully and with a HUGE FREAKIN' PARTY.
6. Blog every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, even if it's just a paragraph or photo.
7. Start writing my damn book already. What the hell am I waiting for?!
8. Print all my photos and get them into albums, regardless of how many people mock me for my old-fashionedness.
9. Start playing piano again, before arthitis starts to set in.
10. Take my bucket o' change to the bank and open a savings account for our 2010 trip to Norway.
I know what you're thinking. You're wondering why none of these resolutions include the words Coach, vagina, pure awesome, and/or Bruce Campbell. Well, I'll tell you -- I think I'm growing as a person.
Crap.
Posted at 05:42 PM | Comments (1)December 17, 2008
Cookies? Check. Ornament? Check. Pajamas? Dammit!
If I've done something twice in a row, is it fair to call it a tradition? It probably has to be three times. My Dad always buys everything in threes (three canons, three boatswain's whistles, three shrunken heads) because, according to him, "three is a collection," and that way, he already has a collection.
(The only thing my Dad doesn't have a collection of is empty spaces. Unless we're talking about the ones in his head. HA! Good one! High-five me, Mom!)
But I'm already assuming that I'm attending Vicki's Cookie & Ornament Exchange Party next year, so I'm calling it a tradition. ... Assuming I'm invited. I don't know. I pissed off Nicki by not choosing from the pile her hastily-wrapped ornament that she grabbed from the basement an hour into the party. So we'll see.
Anyhoo, I got an adorable, glittery penguin ornament, a container full of chocolately goodness... but I forgot to wear my pajamas. Well, I forgot to wear some pajamas. If I'd actually worn what I wear to bed, it would have curdled the hot cocoa.
In the spirit of all things yuley and noggy, here is a list of what I ate at Vicki's party:
1. a dozen little chocolate covered pretzels
2. 3 mini grilled cheeses
3. 1 spinach puff
4. 3 crackers with cheeseball
5. 3 crackers with warm artichoke dip
6. 2 shortbread cookies
It was probably bad ettiquette to put the chocolate covered pretzels on the couch right next to me, but they really are the ultimate PMS food -- sweet and salty, mmmmmmmmm.
"But, Wenchie," you say. "What delightful delicacy did you bless the masses with?"
Well, I came with a Tupperware container full of eggnog cookies...
...and left with these!
Damn good trade, I think! I literally ran to get my camera as soon as I got home, so I could take the damn photo and eat those little Reese's Peanut Butter Cup cookies already!!!
When those Christmas-colored adult-sized onesies go on sale at Target, I'm buying my outfit for Vicki's next party.
Posted at 12:50 PM | Comments (3)December 06, 2008
Christmas Time-Waster
Welcome to the Christmas edition of getting to know your friends. Okay, here's what you're supposed to do, and try not to be a SCROOGE!!! Just copy this entire email and paste into a new e-mail that you can send. Change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then send this to a whole bunch of people you know, INCLUDING the person that sent it to you... 'Tis the Season to be NICE! HO HO HO!!!
1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper if it's a box, gift bag if it's weirdly shaped. Duh.
2. Real tree or artificial? Fake. I don't want to be vaccuuming up needles in August.
3. When do you put up the tree? Sometime between Halloween and Thanksgiving.
4. When do you take the tree down? By Valentine's Day. Don't judge me.
5. Do you like eggnog? If by "like" you mean "drink straight from the carton on the drive home from Jewel," then yes. Yes, I do.
6. Favorite gift received as a child? My dollhouse. Or was that a birthday present...? I'm old, I don't remember.
7. Hardest person to buy for? My Dad. He can afford to buy anything he wants, and if he can't find it, he'll make it.
8. Easiest person to buy for? Billi! I just buy her whatever I would want.
9. Do you have a nativity scene? I have three. So far.
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? MAIL!!! Email?????? What kind of cheap bastard sends EMAIL Christmas cards?????? Freakin' COMMIES, that's who!
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? No idea. I think people know better than to get me crap.
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? "A Christmas Story" or "A Muppet Christmas Carol."
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? August. And I'm 95% done by Thanksgiving. I'll finish up the last of the stocking stuffers on Tuesday.
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? No, I sell them in my garage sale.
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? MARZIPAN!!!!!
16. Lights on the tree? Small and multi-colored, and Husband puts them up.
17. Favorite Christmas song? "Merry Fucking Christmas" from the South Park Christmas album. Warms the cockles of my heart.
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Both. Travel 1 mile for Christmas Eve, 37 miles for Christmas Day at Billi's, and to Indiana for the weekend after to see the in-laws.
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer's? Yes. And I don't have to prove shit to you.
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? BARBIE ANGEL!
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Both, plus several weeks preceding and following, when I see friends.
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? The radio commercials. The premise of every single one is "Christmas SUCKS and RUINS YOUR LIFE, so try our product, and you'll be okay." I hate that they brainwash us into thinking that we are stressed out and unhappy! I'm so not! Cynical and jaded,yes, but not stressed and unhappy.
23. Favorite ornament theme or color? Handmade by Husband. He's been doing a different ornament every year for 30 years.
24. Favorite Christmas dinner? Mom's. Of course. Doesn't everyone like their mothers' best?
25. What do you want for Christmas this year? Barbies, books and bling. Same as every year.
Posted at 11:14 AM | Comments (0)February 26, 2008
It's a Shorter List Than the Alternative
Things On My Body That Don't Hurt
1. my fingernails.
2. my eyelashes. on my right eye.
3. the tip of my tongue.
4. my left elbow.
5. my nose hairs.
6. my clavicle.
Posted at 02:31 PM | Comments (0)February 08, 2008
A Sampling of the Instructions I've Left for the Dog Sitter
Make the dogs sit and stay while you put their food in their bowls. Daisy will drool little droplets while you do this, so make sure Stella isn't sitting under her.
Dogs go out after they eat because that's often when they poop.
Don't bother letting them out right before you feed them because they won't do anything.
When the dogs go outside, you have to go with them to make sure Stella doesn't eat Daisy's poop. Seriously.
If you don't want them begging while you eat or licking your feet while you put your socks on, they know the command, "Other room!" This means, "Be anywhere that I am not!"
You can have sex anywhere in the house, EXCEPT on our $1,000 Amish quilt.
Eat and drink anything you want. Don't bother looking for chocolate because there isn't any. But there's plenty of beer.
Don't have the basement t.v. and the dining room light on at the same time or it will blow a fuse.
The erotica is in the middle drawer of my nightstand. Don't judge me -- most of it is Heather's.
The lightswitch for the patio light is in the linen closet. I don't know why.
If you need any help or anything goes wrong, call my parents. They are four blocks away and have nothing to do anyway.
Don't run through the hallway while playing one of your little sex games because there's no rug-grip under the new runner, and you will slip and kill yourself.
If the dogs die or eat the couch, I will not hold you personally responsible. However, if you soil the quilt, I will kill you and eat your soul.
[I wonder where Elle lives? I'd sure like to stop off on our way up north for my 7 martinis! Well, it is morning -- maybe I'll just have 3 or 4. And she can put the rest in a to-go thermos.]
Posted at 08:53 AM | Comments (2)January 30, 2008
Reasons I Need This Job To Be Over Really, Really Soon
1. The more I stay here, the more I learn, so the more work they give me, and it's really cutting into my nail polishing time.
2. The items that friends have given me to eBay are taking up ridiculous amounts of space in my basement. My feng shui is so screwed up, I can hardly walk without falling down.
3. The air in this building is making me age prematurely. It's so dry that even my super-oily skin -- oily enough to produce zits on a 38 year old complexion -- shrivels up and dies after I've been sitting in my cube a mere half an hour. It's like I'm molting, for God's sake.
4. Billi is having to spend inordinate amounts of time alone with her own children, and that's just wrong.
5. I'm really, really bored.
6. I have, like, a dozen blogs that I've started and can't find time to finish. The ones that involve photos are just out of the question until I'm finally fired. I'm not going to get famous this way!
7. I miss driving out to have lunch with The Bitches from my old job. And I haven't seen New Girl, my little Bitch In Training, for so long! I'm sure she's forgotten all the ways of The Dark Side by now.
8. The longer I stay here, the more often I need to bake cookies in order to get through the day, and that's not helping my ass. I'm not saying Husband refuses to have sex with me -- I'm just saying that I haven't worn my jeans this tight since 1989.
9. Did I mention I'm bored?
Posted at 02:33 PM | Comments (1)January 17, 2008
Just a Small Town Girl, Livin' In a Lonely World
I find myself looking forward to seeing what the council for the defense is wearing each day. She's just so damn immaculately attired every single day. I'm in total awe of her. On Tuesday, her headband coordinated with her shoes, and not even in a gay, matchy-matchy, Barbie kind of way. She's so subtley exquisite, I can't even explain. She's driving me crazy with covetous love.
Today, she wore a lavender-grey suit, a pearl choker, and winter-white shoes with a gold buckle. It was like, Oh, look at the subdued hues and subtle accessories and OH MY GOD, WHAT AN ADORABLE SURPRISE THOSE SHOES ARE!
I love her. She's edgey and feminine without being pretentious. I hope she wears her hair in a bun again tomorrow. With the black-rimmed glasses, she does Sexy Librarian almost as well as Heather.
She's my little refuge of loveliness in an otherwise bitter and stark experience. She is the only light that can balance the following, my list of:
Things That Suck About This Whole Experience... Allegedly
1. Peeing. Someone with a bladder as small as mine just isn't cut out for jury duty. After my morning frappuccino and cereal, I normally pee every 45 minutes until noon. I'm sure the other jurors think I have a bladder infection. Thank God for extended sidebars.
2. Pooping. The sudden change in my daily routine is wreaking havoc on my colon. Instead of pooping once or twice a day, at regular intervals, like a normal person, I'm pooping a Buick every other day. Not good.
3. The wind. No matter what direction you are walking in the Loop, you are always walking into the wind. This is especially true when it is sleeting.
4. People on the train. The people who put their coat, their bag and one leg up on the seat so that no one else can sit next to them should be thrown off the train by the conductor. No questions asked.
5. The jurors' bathroom. It is echo-y and opens right into the jury room. Perhaps it is not shyness, but the forced intimacy that prevents any of them from looking me in the eye...
6. The college kids. God help the future of the world in the hands of these mealy, meek, poetry-writing pussies. How will they run the country when they can't even wash their hair? There are four of them on the jury, and three of them cringe when I try to talk to them. Seriously, they make me puke. I want them all to drop and give me twenty. (The only person on the jury who will actually converse with me is a handsome, black young man. Go figure.)
7. The guy who smiles. There's one guy on the jury who has a small smile permanently stamped on his face. It's creepy and wrong. I don't trust him. Next time I'm called to jury duty, it'll probably be for his trial.
Friday, we hear closing arguments and then start deliberations. I want to be foreman. I also hope everyone agrees with me right off the bat so I don't have to start cracking skulls.
I am NOT going back there on Tuesday! K and I are going to Sephora to get our make-up done and buy eye shadow. I want to learn how to apply "The Smokey Eye!"
Posted at 09:03 PM | Comments (2)December 31, 2007
Well, Now I HAVE To Because It's a Tradition
Let's see if 2007 sucked less than 2006, shall we?
1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
I quit three jobs and started three jobs, which is really stressful. I don't recommend it.
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Last year's resolution was to nag Husband into getting onto MY sleep schedule so we could spend more time together, and it worked! Of course, it took me 11-1/2 months, but I did it! We're both getting up at 5:30 a.m. now, and he's taking the train to work so he's not crabby when he gets home. It's awesome. For 2008... my resolution is to eBay at least half the crap that's taking up space in my basement that I promised to eBay for other people. Seriously, it's a fire hazard.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Dodged that bullet yet again!
5. What countries did you visit?
The country of Cool, which I rule.
6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
Stable, permanant, part-time employment.
7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Due to the trauma my brain suffered that day, I don't remember the exact date. However, I vividly remember looking at the emergency vet's X-rays of Daisy's stone-filled bladder, when Husband called to say he just read an email telling him he was fired. Good times.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting paid to put some ads on my blog. Whore-ish, yes, but now I'm a PAID PROFESSIONAL WRITER!!!
9. What was your biggest failure?
Still haven't gotten around to putting all my photos into albums, and now another year has gone by, and the project is even BIGGER.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Ach, my ankle aches just thinking about it. Stupid ice and double-sprain and long healing process. You know, it's probably wrong that all my clumsiness is rewarded by spending lots of time with Dr. Hottie. I'm never going to learn to be careful!
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Christmas presents. I think I made a lot of people happy this December.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Younger Step Daughter, who got into Purdue's engineering program. The brains on Husband's girls continue to impress me, destroying the myth that beautiful women can't be brilliant. God, I hate them.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My old boss'. You'd think that someone who so appreciated me would have tried a little harder to keep me. Meh, his loss.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Husband and Older Step Daughter both got cars this year. But 2008 is MY YEAR, and I want a mini-van with power sliding doors!
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
PIRATE BARBIE!!!
16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
That stupid 50-page long epic song "Hiawatha's Wedding" we sang in Chorale. HOURS -- nay, DAYS of my life I'll never get back!
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Sadder. Things don't change as quickly as I'd like.
b) thinner or fatter? Still at the plateau.
c) richer or poorer? Poorer, thanks to those assholes at Husband's former place of employment, who totally fucked him over.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Serious writing.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Blowing my nose.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
I believe we've covered this to death.
21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
Billi. She's my sistah AND my bestie. Plus, we know a lot of retards to gripe about. (No, Mom, you are not on that list.)
22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
No. I'm too old, jaded and tired for that shit.
23. How many one-night stands?
Bitch, please.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
HBO's "Rome." Titus Pullo is a god.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Yes. Husband's EX-business partner. That bitch's husband has been embezzling hundreds of thousands of dollars from the company over the years, AND SHE KNEW. Which is why, when Husband informed her of the stolen money, she fired HIM instead of her asshole, verbally-abusive, alcoholic husband. I hope they both live to be 100 together. Would serve her right.
26. What was the best book you read this year?
"A Girl Named Zippy: Growing Up Small in Mooreland, Indiana." One of those rare books that I read and think, I wish I had written that.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Josh Grobin. Have you heard the pipes on that guy?!
28. What did you want and get?
PIRATE BARBIE!!! More on her soon...
29. What did you want and not get?
A pigmy goat.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Fuckin' "Superbad," dude!
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 38 on a Tuesday. Went to lunch with SH, who surprised me with a lovely and thoughtful gift. Silly girl!
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Less working. More time for writing, eBaying, walking my dogs, cooking and socializing.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
Expensive make-up is often worth the added price. Older Step Daughter can never quit her job at Sephora.
34. What kept you sane?
Sheer, evil hatred. And spite. I refuse to let my enemies make me insane.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Bruce. Always Bruce.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Hillary. Please, please, please, God, don't let her be president!
37. Whom did you miss?
Same as 2006 -- Natalie and Nicki.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
This one is a tie -- it's two women who work in this building, in the two different departments that I have temped for this year. SG in the spring, and Smokey currently. They are both hilarious, down-to-earth, and just the right amount of bitchy. They help keep me sane here by reminding me that insanity is FUN when you share it with others!
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
You people expect waaaaaaay too much from me. Valuable life lesson. Why should I tell you? Go learn your own lessons! Quit bothering me! Get off my lawn!
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Take this job and SHOVE IT! I ain't a'workin' here no mo'!
December 26, 2007
Another Damn Holiday Survey
Got this from the New Girl last year! Hey, New Girl, I still need that recipe for Candy Cane Pie!
1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?
EGG NOG!!!!!! You can get hot chocolate any old time. And how can you resist the word nog?
2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?
Who the hell wants unwrapped presents? If Santa's not wrapping your presents, he probably doesn't really like you.
3. Colored lights on tree/house or white?
BOTH!
4. Do you hang mistletoe?
No way. I already have enough people trying to kiss me.
5. When do you put your decorations up?
I start Nov. 1, and if I'm not done by Thanksgiving, I start freaking out.
6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)?
STUFFING!!! And no weird-ass, oyster, sausage, raisin stuffing, either. Just bread, sage, celery, onions.
7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child?
Going to Gramma O's house for Christmas Eve because didn't make me eat dinner to get dessert, and falling asleep on the way home in the back of the station wagon with all the presents. Everything in between is kind of a blur.
8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
Santa's gay??? Probably 2nd or 3rd grade, from a friend. Probably Melinda. But the fun part was that Billi believed in Santa for one more year, so I got to be in on the big secret and keep the dream alive for one more year for her. That was cool.
9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
We open LOTS of gifts on Christmas Eve. Almost all. Stockings and small gifts are for Christmas Day. I think it's a Scandihoovian thing that Eve is bigger than Day.
10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree?
Which one? We have MANY! The do go by theme, tho'. Would you expect anything less?
11. Snow! Love it or Dread it?
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE! It's beautiful, and dealing with it builds character!
12. Can you ice skate?
HAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Um, no.
13. Do you remember your favorite gift?
I don't remember what I did yesterday for 2 hours. Seriously, I'm missing a whole block of time after noon. Don't ask me about remembering. I only remember the Tollhouse Chocolate Cookie recipe and people who have wronged me.
14. What's the most exciting thing about Christmas for you?
Watching my niece and three nephews open presents.
15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert?
Anything made with almond paste.
16. What is your favorite holiday tradition?
Eating. Calories be damned!
17. What tops your tree?
A Barbie angel.
18. Which do you prefer giving or receiving?
Depends on the other participant. Some people are great givers; some... are better at getting.
19. What is your favorite Christmas Song?
Today? "Merry Christmas, Darling" by The Carpenters.
20. Candy Canes?
Boring alone, good when part of a larger dessert, like cookies or a pie. HINT, HINT, New Girl!
December 23, 2007
Wenchie's Cop-Out Christmas Survey Entry
Some days, I'm just not as inspired as others, ya know? Today's one of those days. A day of drivel, as I like to call it. Enjoy!
1. What is your favorite Christmas song?
"The Twelve Days of Christmas" by John Denver and the Muppets. I'm sorry, but Miss Piggy just never gets old. Oh, and I can tell you what my favorite Christmas song isn't. Bruce Springstein's "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town." I have Husband so trained that he runs to the radio to shut it off whenever that piece of crap comes on.
2. What is your favorite Christmas movie or cartoon?
"A Christmas Story." Every scene is pure gold.
3. What is your favorite treat/dessert during the holidays?
MARZIPAN!
4. What is your favorite festive drink, alcoholic or non?
Eggnog, alcoholic or non.
5. Do you open your gifts Christmas Eve or Christmas Day?
BOTH! And get this -- we open some Christmas Eve, some Christmas Day in the morning, and some Christmas Day after dinner!
6. What is the best gift you ever received and from whom?
A Tiffany charm bracelet from Husband.
7. What is one thing you are hoping to receive this year?
Pirate Barbie, but that's not real likely, considering her price tag.
8. Prefer dark meat or white?
White. I can't eat dark meat because it might trigger a gout attack. Seriously. Gout.
9. Cranberry sauce or gravy?
Not a big fan of either, frankly. I'm a stuffing gal all the way.
10. If you've traveled during the holidays, when and where did you go?
Husband's whole family converges on his parents' farm house every weekend following Christmas. It's in Indiana. The drive is boring, but the farm is beautiful, and everyone's really nice. I can almost forgive them for having no booze in the house.
11. What is one holiday memory you'd rather forget?
I'll tell you when my family is all dead.
12. Do you like to listen to Christmas music?
Yes, but not just any old crap. I like The Charlie Brown Christmas album, John Denver & the Muppets, The Carpenters' Christmas Portrait, the Bare Naked Ladies' Christmas album, and Mr. Hanky's Christmas Classics. Quality stuff.
13. Do you decorate a fake or real tree?
Fake. Has to be because we have it up for 3-4 months.
14. Describe one ornament on your tree or in your house that is special to you?
Husband hand makes a different ornament every year. All different kinds -- he's very crafty. I think my favorite is a little wooden chickadee sitting on a twig. Very simple, very sweet.
15. Do you open gifts neatly and slowly or do you tear them apart quickly?
Slowly. See yesterday's blog.
16. Who do you normally spend Christmas day with?
Billi's in-laws. See tomorrow's blog.
17. If you could send one Christmas wish to the world, what would that be?
If you're driving slowly, get the hell outta the far left lane.
18. If you could see one person on Christmas, who would it be?
Billi's kids, first thing Christmas morning, opening their presents from Santa. Oh, and baby Jesus. I'm supposed to say Jesus, right?
19. Do you like to sing Christmas carols?
Did we just meet? Of course, I do. Especially solo.
20. Do you send out Christmas cards, photos and/or letters?
Just cards. We all know how I feel about letters, and Stella is afraid of the Christmas tree, so the photo just ain't happenin.
December 18, 2007
Three Lists of Three
Things I Had to Remove From Stella's Mouth While Boy Child & Girl Child Were Over
1. A Bionicle.
2. A nickel.
3. A piece from Jenga.
Things I Can't Find Since The Spare Was Carrying Them Around
1. My comb.
2. My roller brush.
3. The ornament my boss gave me for Christmas, still in its box.
Things Boy Child Enjoyed Playing with While at Our House
1. The lazy susan where we keep the breakfast cereal.
2. The sliding door that separates the dining room and kitchen.
3. My Harley Davidson Barbie.
November 22, 2007
Danksgibing
Things I Am Thankful For Today
1. Zicam
2. Netflix
3. Puffs with aloe
4. Microwaves (to heat up my Thanksgiving dinner when Husband brings it home to me)
5. Sweatpants
6. Fleece bathrobes
7. Four-day weekends
8. Bed
9. Couch
10. Getting this cold over with before Christmas
Posted at 09:22 AM | Comments (0)August 16, 2007
Top Ten Best Things About Last Night's Dinner Cruise
10. I opted for the cute, white, strappy sandals, certainly sufficient for walking to and from the buffet table, not realizing we'd be walking half a mile from the parking garage to the boat. I don't know which hurts more -- my blisters, or every bone in my feet.
9. The "light shower" that began as we started walking turned into a downpour by the time we got to the pier, making for fabulous hair.
8. At least I was wearing two layers of white on top, so it didn't become see-through.
7. Our host and hostess were in the midst of an all-day spat.
6. A young, Chinese woman walked in on me in the bathroom. While I was wiping.
5. The wait staff was introduced by the d.j. and forced to dance for our enjoyment.
4. I got to listen over and over as the old ladies there told me how perfect and pure and angelic and noble and righteous Husband is.
3. The boat didn't sink.
2. I won some Mardi Gras beads for correctly identifying the theme from "The Fat Albert Show" in two measures. Younger step daughter won for recognizing "Saved By the Bell." A couple of cultured musicians, we.
1. I didn't barf.
Posted at 04:17 PM | Comments (1)July 02, 2007
Gingstak Tinkjael
Remember that game on... what was it? "Sesame Street?" "The Electric Company?" Personally, I preferred "The Electric Company," and frankly, I thought the kids on "Zoom" were just trying too hard.
Anyhoo, I remember a song: "One of these things is not like the others! One of these things just doesn't belong!"
Let's play that game now! In this list, which of these things is not like the others?
1. ginger spice
2. sleestak
3. jael half black
4. tinkerbell tattoos
5. barf stories
The answer is: Barf stories! Because all the others are sentient beings.
People never fail to amuse me. When they're not pissing me off. That is a list of things that people were searching for that brought them to my sight.
I'm totally embarassed that eight more people in the world now know that I've blogged about The Spice Girls. But my bosom swells with pride with the knowledge that five more people now know that I'm the leading foremost authority on all things "America's Next Top Model."
I'm highly amused that someone was searching for Sleestaks and ended up reading about my weird Hot Foot Syndrome, but that's what you get for giving Sleestaks more than a passing thought. And twenty-two people are looking to get a Tinkerbell tattoo! Sadly, none are looking to get Snow White's Evil Step Mother the Queen permanantly embedded in their skin.
All this is well and good, but one thing keeps puzzling me. Thirteen people came to this site because they were searching for barf stories. Thirteen. Dudes, who -- besides A -- seeks out stories about people throwing up? And what can I do to cater to them?
Posted at 04:46 PM | Comments (1)May 23, 2007
Things I Do That Annoy Myself
1. Saying, “I’m starving!” Am I really starving? No. Of course not. Although I can see my feet just fine, alas, my ribs are but a fond memory. To say that I, with my Secret Stash drawer full of Snow Caps and Good 'n' Plenty, am enduring scurvy and faced with an uncertain future, undermines what it truly means to be starving. I’m a horrible, horrible person.
2. Waiting too long to go pee. I have a small house and two bathrooms, and yet, I'm often in danger of wetting myself because I’m too lazy to drag my diet-A&W-sodden ass down the hall as often as I should. Which means when I do go, about the time my kidneys start aching, I have to tiptoe, so as not to slosh around too much.
3. Conversely, waiting too long to go poop. As a rule, I don’t like to sit on the toilet and read or meditate or whatever the hell it is that people do when they take half-hour-long shits, so I wait until my bowels are damn good and ready so that I can squeeze one out in less than 10 seconds. But sometimes, I wait to long, and then I’ve got a turtlehead poking out. Not a comfortable walk.
4. Talking on my cell phone when I’m driving. For some reason, I can’t get it thru my head that I, too, am a witless asshole when I drive and talk. I will swear to make a sailor blush when someone in front of me has forgotten what the gas pedal and turn signals are because they simply must discuss the last episode of “Grey's Anatomy” in detail, but that’s just other people. I don’t forsake driving skills for mindless so-what-are-you-doing conversations. NooOOOooo.
Send your hate mail to piratewenchdotorg@yahoo.com.
Posted at 11:45 AM | Comments (4)January 25, 2007
Bueller?
Ganked from Vicki. I like the premise of this. And since there are few things I like talking about more than myself...
* * * * *
Tired of all of those surveys made up by high school kids?
'Have you ever kissed someone?'
'Missed someone?'
'Told someone you loved them?'
'Drank alcohol?'
Here are some questions for the people who are a little more mature. (Meant to be completed by those out of high school)
1. What bill do you hate paying the most? My monthly eBay fees. It's like, Yay! I can afford another Barbie! Oh, wait -- have to pay my fees.
2. What's the best place to eat a romantic dinner? The basement, in front of the t.v. What?
3. Last time you puked from drinking? Never ever. I kid you not. Wanted to, the New Year's Eve I was 20, but never actually have. Real pirates can hold their rum.
4. When is the last time you got drunk and danced on a bar? Heh. People dance on bars for ME, not vice-versa.
5. Name of your first grade teacher? God, I remember kindergarten and second and third grades --McDonald, Klein and Kubala -- but not first. Damn. Did I skip a grade?
6. What do you really want to be doing right now? Napping.
7. What did you want to be when you were growing up? A veternarian. I really loved animals. But then I found out all the gross stuff that goes along with being a vet, and that was the end of the dream. Now I want to be a mermaid.
8. How many colleges did you attend? One. But I partied at many. (Don't tell my Mom!)
9. Why did you wear the shirt that you have on right now? Because brown is my new fav color to wear, and I've been told this particular sweater is very flattering on me. And it was next up in the rotation.
10. GAS PRICES! First thought? Now it only costs $40 to fill my SUV instead of $60!
11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you... Oslo, Norway, by my cousins. I'd love to live somewhere where I'm surrounded by my ancestral history. My paternal grandfather is somewhat famous in the town I live in, but I want HUNDREDS of years of history. I love my country, but I yearn for a place that doesn't knock down any building that's over a century old to put up a mini-mall. And I'd take Husband with me, but only because Billi and Spikette (nee Older Sister) probably wouldn't let me take their children. Well, maybe Boy Child...
12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning? Crap. Now the puppy is going to start warbling (she doesn't whine, per se -- she yodels).
13. Last thought before going to sleep last night? If Husband doesn't get his ass in bed right now, I'm going to kill him while he sleeps. And then he'll always be in bed.
14. Favorite style of underwear?? Under jeans, thong (hate V.P.L.). Under work pants, granny panties for comfort. But always Victoria's Secret.
15. Favorite style of underwear for the opposite sex? Boxer briefs. The best of both worlds!
16. What errand/chore do you despise? Grocery shopping. Which is ironic, since I love other shopping. But seriously, I HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHATE it.
17. If you didn't have to work, would you volunteer at an art gallery? Why the hell would I volunteer at an art gallery? I'm not against volunteering, or art, but I can think of lots of other places more worthy of my time.
18. Get up early or sleep in? Does anyone ever answer Sleep in? Well, actually, I'm used to getting up early on weekdays now. If I don't, I feel like I've wasted half the day. But I'm all for sleeping in on weekends. It's a must.
19. What is your favorite cartoon character? I'd have to say Stewie from "Family Guy." I admire his honesty.
20. Favorite NON sexual thing to do at night with a girl/guy? Curl up on the couch and watch a good movie, with some crackers and dip handy. I'm a cheap date.
21. A secret that you wouldn't mind everyone knowing? People. My MOM reads this.
22. How many joints pop when you get out of bed in the morning? None. I'm always careful to take the seeds out. Bwaaaaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I slay me.
23. What is the biggest amount of $$ you have made from a yard sale? Who says "yard sale." It's a garage sale, people! Two hundred clams and some change. Speaking of which, I can't wait for spring so I can have another one. Soooooooo much crap in my basement!
24. Your favorite lunch meat? Ham.
25. What do you get every time you go into a WAWA? Am I supposed to know what a WAWA is?
26. Beach or lake? Lake! Lake Michigan, to be specific. I've been swimming in Lake Superior, and it's GORGEOUS, but water that was still a full-on glacier fifteen years ago is just a weeeeeeeeeee bit chilly for me. My nipples almost snapped off.
27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual that was invented by people who died at 20? Oh, totally. Of course, that didn't stop me from falling victim to it. And I'm not sure I know of any better way, as far as having children is concerned. But if there's no kids, there's no real reason for it.
28. Who do you stalk on MySpace? My long-ago love from grade/middle/high school. Dude STILL has rock-solid abs, and he's my age.
29. Favorite guilty pleasure? Crappy pop music. Like seriously crappy. I'm talkin' Britney, Backstreet, the works. It's just so damn catchy!
30. Favorite movie you wouldn't want anyone to find out about? I have no idea. But I know Billi's! It's "Planet of the Apes!" The original, natch. She can't look away!
31. What's your drink? Water or milk. Oh, you mean booze? Kaluha and cream or a strawberry margarita. Total chick drinks, I know.
32. Cowboys or Indians? One of each, please!
33. Cops or Robbers? Neither. Too stressful!
34. Do you cheer for the bad guy? Put it this way. I was in love with Al Swearengen in Season One of "Deadwood," BEFORE he went all soft. I could really empathize with his character -- just a guy trying to get along, surrounded by fucking retards all the time. Poor thing. And the hair. Love the hair.
35. What Hollywood star do you think resembles you best? None. They're all freaks. But if I had to pick one to play me in a movie, it'd be Reese Witherspoon. Not that she necessarily looks like me, but I would trust her to best capture my essence.
36. If you had to pick one, which cast member of "Lost" would you be? Jack, so I could do everyone else on the island a favor and KILL MYSELF.
37. What do you want when you are sick? Head cold? Lemonade and hot soup. Stomach flu? Sweet, merciful death.
38. Who from high school would you like to run into? Bec Phillips. She'd probably ignore me, but twenty years later, I still miss her on a regular basis.
39. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now? 87.9 FM, which is a non-station that I can listen to my iPod through.
42. Norm or Cliff? For what? Medical testing?
43. The Cosby Show or the Simpsons? "The Simpsons." It's a perfectly cromulent show.
44. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take
back? Marrying the Ex. Worst. Decision. Ever.
45. Do you like the person who sits directly across from you at work? Chick Boss is in the cube right next to mine -- at least for the next week -- and she's awesome. No annoying habits, nice and quiet, and eavesdropping on her conversations with her mom is often hilarious.
46. If you could get away with it, who would you kill? I would think that would be obvious. And I'd be a Big, Damn Hero for it, too!
47. What famous person would you like to have dinner with? You'd think my answer would be Bruce Campbell, but it wouldn't be much of a dinner without me being able to eat or speak. Or stop drooling. So Kathy Griffin. Definitely. And I'd take her anywhere she wants and pick up the bill for it. Call me, Kathy!
48. What famous person would you like to sleep with? Bruce Campbell. I wouldn't have to talk.
49. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose? Fortunately, no. But Nicholle has! In her oven! Hee!
50. Last book you read for real? Currently, I'm finally getting around to the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy. 'Bout time, huh?
51. Do you have a teddy bear? No, I have two stuffed dogs. A yellow lab from Billi when I was in the hospital. And a rottweiler from Step Daughters when mine died in Oklahoma in the care of my dumbass Ex.
52. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth? In the woods on Isle Royale.
53. Somewhere in California you've never been and would like to go? That famous wax museum place.
54. Number of texts in a day? "Text?" As in -- text messages? I thought this was a survey for people out of high school?
55. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or relationship? Career. And what a coinkidink! I am!
56. Do you go to church? Nope. I used to, and I'm not ruling it out for the future. But right now, it just doesn't do anything for me.
57. Pencil or pen? Pen. Black. Ballpoint.
58. Bueller??? Bueller??? Bueller?? I say this about once a week, and I feel like no one ever gets it. I'll keep trying.
Feel free to gank and leave me a link to your answers!
Posted at 01:26 PM | Comments (1)December 31, 2006
Wow -- That Went By Quick!
I ganked this from Lori in 2004 and then totally forgot about it in 2005. Let's see how much has changed in two years, shall we?
2006 In Review
1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before? Can't think of anything... man, that's pathetic.
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don't normally do New Year's Resolutions. However, I do have one for this year. Actually, it's a resolution for Husband. Aren't I thoughtful, making one for him? My resolution is to get him out of bed earlier in the morning, so he can go to work earlier, come home earlier, and go to bed earlier, so we can spend more time together.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? YES! BILLI! Making me an aunt for the fourth time and a godmother for the third time! And The Spare looks like ME! Which means I'm pretty much obligated to plot with him to take over The Boy Child's throne...
4. Did anyone close to you die? Thankfully, no.
5. What countries did you visit? Are Indiana and Wisconsin countries? Because that's as far as I got this year. No, WAIT! We went to DisneyWorld and visited ALL the countries! (Of Epcot.)
6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006? A better -- if still tenuous -- relationship with my step daughters. Baby steps, right?
7. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Have to add September 29 to my list of Awesomest Days Ever. That's the day The Spare was born, and I THANK GOD I wasn't outta town when it happened (almost was!). My record stands firm -- I have seen all my nephews and niece within hours of their birth.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Having an honest and thought-provoking exchange of emails with my Older Step Daughter. I'm not saying I'm her BFF now, but I think we understand each other a little better now and can, therefore, cut each other some slack. We're not so bad, after all.
9. What was your biggest failure? Amazingly, no huge fuck-ups spring to mind. I guess that's what I get for not trying anything new, eh?
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Nothing worse than strep throat.
11. What was the best thing you bought? A puppy! Although ask me again in 2007 if that remains a good idea...
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Husband. After years of trying to be Superman to the whole world, he's finally getting some help for the heartache he still feels after being torn from his daughters' lives. Kudos, bubie. Any coward can be an island -- it takes strength and bravery to ask for help.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Pretty much every stranger I crossed paths with. Common courtesy is dead.
14. Where did most of your money go? My money, or our money? My eBay money went to vintage silver charm bracelets; our money went to the Disney stockholders, via our Discover card.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Getting to cut my work hours to part time! It's a dream come true! Although the envy of everyone I know is becoming a bit oppressive...
16. What song will always remind you of 2006? "The Song That Goes Like This," sung my moi and Gay A. Seriously, we rocked the house... as much as two white people can rock a Broadway musical.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier. Things are looking up.
b) thinner or fatter? I think I've plateaued.
c) richer or poorer? About the same, I think.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? BLOGGING! Wait, let me ammend that -- GOOD blogging.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Obsessing over things beyond my control.
20. How did you spend Christmas? Christmas Eve was happy and hectic with my immediate family all over at our place. Laughed my ass off when The Boy Child opened the video game we got him -- "Lego Stah Wahs, bay-beeeeeeee!"
21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with? Probably PJ. She likes to call first thing in the morning, when I'm barely coherent, and talk about things like snow, or muffins, or puppies. Imagine being confronted with Buddy the Elf at 7 a.m.
22. Did you fall in love in 2006? Yes. With my iPod Nano. I call him Roger.
23. How many one-night stands? Dudes, I can't even close the deal in my dreams anymore. Just when I get to the good part, I wake up.
24. What was your favorite TV program? "Deadwood." Al Swearengen is my hero!
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? No. Takes a lot to be added to my list. I just hate the same ol' assholes.
26. What was the best book you read this year? Ahab's Wife. A look at what she might have been like, if the legendary Ahab had had a wife. Quite a broad.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Eminem, much to the chagrin of Husband. Thanks, Billi!
28. What did you want and get? A puppy.
29. What did you want and not get? Forgiveness.
30. What was your favorite film of this year? "The Prestige."
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 37 at home in bed with strep throat.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? More writing.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006? Black is slimming. And sometimes it pays to buy the expensive stuff.
34. What kept you sane? Awwwwww, it's so cute that you think I'm sane!
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Christian Balllaaarghlrghlrghlrghlrghl...
36. What political issue stirred you the most? Gay marriage. I can't comprehend the arrogance of keeping two people in love from publicly and legally binding their relationship. It's just nonsense! Oh, don't get me started! Where's my soap box?
37. Whom did you miss? Natalie, currently having her uber-talent underappreciated in New York. And talking with Nicki every day.
38. Who was the best new person you met? Um, did I meet Scarlett Cyn this year or last year? If it was this year, then her. If it was last year, then... Did I meet anyone new this year? I don't think so. You know how I feel about strangers.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006: Don't bang your head against what you can't change. Well, I didn't learn it very well, but I'm partway through the workbook.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "I'm the real Shady -- All you other Slim Shadies are just imitating!"
Posted at 09:56 AM | Comments (0)December 18, 2006
Super-Secret Tricks, Just For You!
I can't turn on my computer or stand in the Jewel check-out line without seeing the headline "Ten Tips To Avoid Holiday Weight Gain!"
Invariably, these articles are accompanied by a photo of three women standing around eating carrots and drinking sparkling water, laughing merrily at all the fools who don't know their super-secret tricks to keeping their collarbones fully visible 365 days a year.
(Remember, men -- it's okay for you to gain weight over the holidays, as long as you buy us diamonds and cashmere and cars and the like!)
So, in the spirit of sharing my wisdom with my favorite people -- YOU! -- I've compiled my own list of...
Wenchie's Tips for Avoiding Holiday Weight Gain
1. Don't eat so damn much!
2. See number one.
3. See number one.
4. See number one.
5. See number one.
6. See number one.
7. See number one.
8. See number one.
9. See number one.
10. See number one.
OR, you could just gain the eight pounds and fucking deal with it because, if that's the worst thing you have to worry about, you are clearly living a life that we should all envy and hate you for.
Posted at 06:22 AM | Comments (1)November 24, 2006
Thanksgetting
It sounds so much more fun than Thanksgiving, doesn't it? Thanksgetting! Yaaaaay!
I'm Thankful for Getting...
1. Comments on my blog.
2. New tires on my car, so I'll be more safe through the upcoming Chicago winter, which better include a helluvalotta snow this year.
3. Over my cold.
4. New contacts that don't suck all the moisture outta my eyeballs.
5. Sexier by the day.
6. Paid to do a pretty easy job for really cool people.
7. Carded at Jewel when buying Kaluha.
8. Another nephew.
9. Laid.
10. An extra helping of stuffing.
Posted at 07:22 PM | Comments (4)October 10, 2006
Middle Earth Spam Generator
I receive a lot of spam comments on this blog, despite MoveableType's most valiant efforts. Sometimes the sender's intent is stated clearly in the name, i.e. "ambien," "free hotel" and "no prescription viagra."
But the latest generation of spam emails have names made up of completely random letters, obviously to make it more difficult for the filters to catch them. And in skimming them during every morning's little deletion-fest, I've come to the conclusion that they're getting their made-up names from a Tolkien's Middle Earth Name Generator.
For instance...
Uraeseelmi: I believe this elf is Arwen's tailor, the one who made her all those fabulous gowns and that smart jacket she rescued Frodo in.
Fchiwth: Smeagol and Deagol's oft-forgotten second cousin twice-removed, on their mother's side. He was the first to find Deagol's body, but since his cousins had ditched him after promising to take him fishing that day, he simply spat on the corpse and went to look for worms.
Eucbaad: An orc. I'm not sure which one. They all look kinda the same to me. Does that make me racist?
Opias Mimre: A wandering gypsy friend of Grima Wormtongue. Eowyn got hooked on drugs, trying to find a relief for her depression. Needless to say, it worked, which explains all the laughing while leading her people away from their homes and towards certain death, but it did make her very pale. Opias was her supplier.
Helio Tymim: A dwarf. Gimli didn't want to go to the stupid meeting in Rivendell. Helio flipped him for it, and Gimli lost.
Backdoor Creampie: Um... probably a hobbit?
September 25, 2006
White Trash Vacation
Oh, my darling loves, I committed a most unforgivable sin -- I went outta town and didn't warn you!
All vacation long, I was plagued by thoughts of my poor schmoopies hitting Refresh over and over and over, only to be devasted by the utter lack of new Pirate Wench musings.
Unfortunately, today is no different. I got nuthin'.
I can't even blog about my vacation because we didn't do a damn thing. Seriously. Here is every day's schedule:
8:00 - Roll outta bed because dog can't hold it any longer.
8:05 - First breakfast, usually some sort of baked goods involving pumpkin.
8:15 - Shower and get ready.
9:30 - Go out for breakfast. Hashbrowns a must.
10:30 - Read trashy magazines and talk about what to have for lunch.
11:30 - Shopping.
1:00 - Lunch, consisting of chips and some sort of cheese-based dip.
2:30 - Nap.
5:00 - Wake up because dog wants to eat.
5:15 - Read trashy magazines and figure out what to have for dinner.
6:00 - Go out to dinner. (Is there anything that Wisconsiners won't deep fry?) Cocktails a must.
8:00 - Get home, play cards.
9:30 - Go to bed.
My life is a senseless parade of gluttony and sloth.
Tomorrow will be more of the same, but with a better blog entry, probably involving my own stupidity.
Posted at 02:21 PM | Comments (5)August 24, 2006
The Questions That Keep Me Up At Night
1. You know that little flap in the front of mens' briefs? Do you guys really use that for its intended purpose?
2. Does anyone really eat Monte Cristos, or are they just on restaurant menus because they've always been on restaurant menus? Seriously, show of hands.
3. How do deaf women know when they're done peeing, if they can't hear the stream stop? Do they just count to twenty or something?
4. Does anyone like clowns? I mean, really? Because I don't know one person who likes them. People's reactions vary from the slightly-creeped-out to the screaming-mimis. Anyone here not find clowns mildly disturbing, at best?
Posted at 01:38 PM | Comments (10)August 03, 2006
Survey SAYS!
This week has been NUTS, what with the working and the draaaaaaama and the packing for a weekend in Door County. With my mother.
I know.
So, since you were so awesome and did my anti-survey survey, and since I'm in dire need of a quick blog that requires little or no thought, here are my answers:
1. What's your middle name? Marie, after my paternal grandmother, whom many say I look like.
2. What kind of underwear do you wear? To work? Big, ol' granny panties under my yoga-type "dress" pants because it's aaaaaaaaaall about the comfort, bay-bee! Sexxxxxxxy! All other times? A thong, from the Victoria's Secret "Pink" collection. I hate VPL.
3. What is the place and date that you lost your virginity? Second Saturday in October (two weekends before my 17th birthday), 1986. In my boyfriend's bedroom, with the dresser pushed in front of the door, while his family was watching his brother in the homecoming football game.
4. Penthouse or Hustler? Penthouse. Better stories, although not as good as I could write.
5. What is your favorite pasta shape? Bowtie. They're the easiest to pick up with a fork. All the better to shove more rapidly into my pie-hole.
6. Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Most of my baby teeth, an orange-sized mass (from my abdomen), an infected/ruptured appendix, and four inches of intestine. Which they would not let me keep.
7. When and where did you last masturbate? Oh, not recently enough. In bed, sometime in the last couple weeks, before a nap.
8. Mermaid or centaur? I've always wanted to be a mermaid!
9. Orange or raccoon? Orange. Raccoons wrecked my cabin.
10. Who is on the top of your Shit List, and why? Oh, it's a fluid, ever-changing list. Currently, my Dad, for being stubborn and crotchety, forcing me to wonder if it's okay to pick on someone bigger than myself, even if they're really old. Tomorrow, it will be every person on the road between here and Door County. So, stay outta my way!
And now, my darling duckies, adios until Monday!
Posted at 02:30 PM | Comments (0)August 01, 2006
The New Breed of Forwarded Email
I'm sure we've all received one of those chain emails about Getting To Know Your Friends Better. With things like:
1. Your full, given name:
2. Day of the week you were born:
3. Who did you take to your Senior Prom?
4. Do you really think anyone is going to send this back?
And we're supposed to fill in your answer for each number, and then send it back to the person who sent it, plus everyone else in your address book.
I have received enough of these that I am officially sick of myself.
Also? I'm sick of all of you. If I don't know where you were born, it's because I don't care. I also don't care what kind of ice cream you like because I don't think it says anything significant about you, and I already have enough worthless information taking up space in my brain, like all the words to every song on "Seven and the Ragged Tiger." I really don't need your hat size taking up more space.
Now, if these chain emails provided me with some different information, I may be more inclined to show some interest.
Here is Wenchie's Getting To Know You List of Questions, as scribbled on a napkin at Graziano's. Please answer them and send them to me at my Yahoo account, so that I may mock you accordingly. Anonymously, of course. Or just leave your answers in the Comments section, whatever, I don't care.
1. What's your middle name?
2. What kind of underwear do you wear?
3. What is the place and date that you lost your virginity?
4. Penthouse or Hustler?
5. What is your favorite pasta shape?
6. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
7. When and where did you last masturbate?
8. Mermaid or centaur?
9. Orange or raccoon?
10. Who is on the top of your Shit List, and why?
If I get enough answers, I may be inclined to answer the questions myself.
Feel free to send this list to your family, your pastor, your health insurance customer service representative, and all your co-workers. I'm sure it will bring you all to a better understanding of one another and bring about world peace just a tiny bit faster.
Posted at 01:59 PM | Comments (7)June 05, 2006
Honey, I Found a Pine Tree for Forty Bucks!
This weekend, Billi and I bolstered the Wisconsin economy to the tune of $400 each. On pottery, antiques and folk art. Yes, Heather, folk art. (I love making her cry.)
We also ate ice cream for lunch each day. Two scoops in a waffle cone, and dude, those ice cream monkeys don't skimp. It was a total buttload of ice cream for four bucks (just look at my ice-cream-inflated butt to know what a buttload is).
Oberweis can kiss my dairy-saturated butt. You can't lick the sprinkles they spilled on the floor for four bucks at Oberweis. Now it's lunch time and where's my ice cream, dammit?!
Within a fifteen minute period, the following four things occurred:
1. I spilled Birthday Cake ice cream on my new Coach wallet, while trying to spit out a gnat.
2. I bought a seven-foot faux pine tree (complete with pinecones) for $40. Oh, yes I did! And I drove all the way home with the trunk protruding into the front seat of my Explorer, to earn myself the title of Best Wife Ever.
3. I ripped part of the pocket off my cute, cute embroidered jeans. While getting into my car. I have no idea how. Not a word about my butt, dicksmacks.
4. I was photographed and interviewed for an article for some tourist periodical, along with Billi. I'm never gonna live this one down.
So, yeah, pretty much a typical vacation weekend for me.
Among the things I purchased:
1. Two antique child-sized chairs. GOD, how I love little chairs. I don't know why, since I pretty much can't stand child-sized people. Perhaps I just enjoy the idea of them sitting uncomfortably on straight-backed, wooden chairs? Sit still, or you'll get the ruler again!
2. Faux tree. Well, trees, actually. It's a cluster of three trees on one base. One four feet, one five and a half feet, one seven feet. See, Husband makes original wooden Christmas ornaments every year, and we've been wanting a place to display them year-round. Geez, that declaration is even gayer in writing than it is verbally.
3. Two bud vases -- one pottery, one wood (purple heart). Apparently, diminutive vases hold the same appeal as diminutive chairs, and I've acquired enough in the past couple years to now warrant calling it a collection.
4. Small, partitioned, antique fruit crate, which I will stand on end on my dresser, to display my bud vase collection. I hate myself so much right now.
5. A jar of Cherry Honey Mustard Sauce. So yummy with pretzels!
6. Zest soap. It's the only thing that will sort of rinse clean in the damn soft water they have up there. Stupid well water! I HHHHHHHHHATE soft water. Can't get clean! Can't get clean!
I'm going back up on the 19th with Egrau and PJ. And I have permission from Husband to buy a ten-piece folk art nativity set. Yay! Weirdly-stylized baby Jeebus with chicken and bunny!
Posted at 02:08 PM | Comments (2)May 19, 2006
Reasons I'm Never Having Children
1. They just throw up, like, anywhere. Not in the toilet. ANYWHERE.
2. "Mommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommy!"
3. I would blog about them, and they would hate me for it.
4. I would blog about them, and I would hate myself for turning into Dooce.
5. I'd have to start cooking real meals instead of just popcorn for dinner.
6. Puberty.
7. They have no respect for personal space.
8. I would home school them and make sure they are trained in all forms of weaponry and self-defense, and they would hate me for it.
9. I might have to occassionally consider Husband's opinion on how they should be raised.
10. They would want to touch my Barbies.
Posted at 02:51 PM | Comments (2)May 04, 2006
This Is the BEST!
Okay, here are the top 10 searches that recently brought people to my site. My favorites have been bolded:
1. pirate wench
2. wench
3. pirate wench outfit
4. mint tulip party pleaser shoes
5. danielle jade mermaid
6. world s biggest vagina
7. draw the pirate
8. fuck me shoes
9. hold urine while puking
10. when she was bad she was horrid
I'm so glad that some Strawberry Shortcake fan was trying to find the shoes to complete her Mint Tulip Party Pleaser's outfit, and she came here. I wonder if she stayed to look around, or recoiled in horror and took a long, hot shower.
I just couldn't be more pleased that searches for "America's Next Top Model" are bringing people here! Bring me your poor, your tired, your bitchy, your accessorizingly-challenged!
How... why would anyone search for "hold urine while puking?" Is this a problem experienced by millions of Americans, peeing while puking? Did I miss the special "Dateline" broadcast?
I love that someone was searching for the line in some old poem my Grandma used to say to me, and it brought them here. I hope it wasn't someone's Grandma. I don't want to be responsible for a stroke.
And now, I have to tell you a story about The World's Biggest Vagina! But I'm going to clean it up a tad because even I have my limits. Seriously, it's that bad. Yes, even your favorite cunttard has standards of decency, paper-thin as they may be.
I was a big nerdy loser in school. All through school. My "ugly phase" lasted for over a decade. I had many nemeses, but one stands out in particular.
He was in my grade, and we were in the same Sunday school class K-12. We were friends for many years, but somewhere along the way, it occurred to him that he probably shouldn't be associating with someone as homely and weird as I.
But being a teenaged boy, he couldn't leave it at that. He had to break me down and crap on me. I imagine it was pretty awkward for our mutual friends, with whom we both ate lunch.
One day, he made a joke -- and here's where I'm cleaning it up -- that my vagina was so stretched-out from much usage that my next boyfriend would have to go spelunking to find my previous boyfriend.
It was the crudest thing anyone has ever said to me, before or since, and he said it in front of all our friends. It earned him the priviledge of wearing his Coke in his hair and on his shirt for the rest of the afternoon.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am the owner of the World's Biggest Vagina. And I'm trying to get Vaginal Spelunking acknowledged by the Olympic Board as a legitimate sport. Look for it in Beijing in 2008!
God, I so want to make World's Biggest Vagina my new masthead. I just fear the weirdos it would bring.
And as a side note, I think it says a lot about how far I've come in my relationship with my mother, that I now fear the creepy perverts of the world more than I fear reprimand from her. Happy Mother's Day, Mom!
Posted at 01:16 PM | Comments (3)May 02, 2006
Another Sick Look Into My eBay Life
Things I Won Recently On eBay That Should Be Arriving at My House Any Day Now
1. A teak, tealight candle holder from Pottery Barn. I will put my handpainted Ukranian eggs in it for next Easter. (Eggs also won on eBay.) I'll show Husband who does Easter decorations!!!
2. The JAQUA line of Buttercream Frosting body lotion, hand lotion and lip gloss from Bath & Body Works (discontinued). I will smell like cake! My lips will taste like buttercream frosting! Who wants a smooch? Not all at once!
3. The clogs to Barbie's vintage Holland outfit, which is now complete, and she will be wearing very soon! To work! (I already have Ken's outfit!) They'll be on my desk next week, when all the CEOs are in town for some pow-wow.
4. Philosophy's 3-in-1 Shampoo, Conditioner and Body Wash in White Chocolate Hazelnut (discontinued). I already have Pumpkin Pie, Egg Nog, Vanilla Birthday Cake and Cinnamon Bun. I'm a dessert table! (The title of my first book will be I Like To Smell Like Food.)
5. The CD soundtrack from "The Triplets of Belleville." Go here, scroll down, listen to "Belleville Rendez-Vous" (English or French), and tell me you are able to get that damn song outta your head. It's just not possible!
6. NARS matte eyeshadow in New York (plum brown). Way cheaper to test it out in the store and then buy it off eBay. And eggplant-colored eyeshadow makes my eyes look so blue, instead of their usual blue-green-gray-meh.
7. The Teacher Barbie Fashion Model outfit (sans doll) for one of the Silkstone bitches to wear. Hot for teacher!
Now, what do all these things say about me? They pretty much say that I live no where near any sort of reality. Huh. Bitchen!
Posted at 01:27 PM | Comments (4)April 26, 2006
Reasons Why Sleeping with Heather Is Better Than Sleeping with Husband
1. The only snoring comes from Daisy.
2. My precious, precious sleep isn't interrupted at 3am by chilly, wandering hands.
3. No farting.
4. I don't have to cling desperately to the covers when she rolls over.
5. Her underwear is much cuter than Husband's.
6. Making the bed in the morning is so easy! We just slip out of the top, and voila! The bed is a neat as before we got in it! Because we don't kick and flail and toss and seizure while we sleep!
* * * * *
And on a completely different note, I have a promise to make to you people.
If/when I ever get a book deal or magazine interview or something because of this blog, I will never, EVER write tedious posts like:
Oh, so sorry I haven't posted in a while! I've been on the phone for hours with my Agent/Manager/Satanic Representative every day lately! My life has been so hectic since I got all discovered and famous, I haven't had any time to pay attention to you, the little people who made me who I am today. Must go -- the photographer is at my door, and then I have a meeting with my editor! Tah-tah!
Vomit.
Yeah, cuz that's entertaining or interesting in any conceivable way to anyone but my Mom.
And yes, I'm bitter, but that's part of my charm.
Just had to get that off my chest.
If my dreams come true, and I get published for realsies one day, I vow not to mention it until it actually happens, and then only once. I'll link to it and be like, "Oh, by the way, here's a book that might not be a huge waste of your time to read." But only at the bottom of a long post about pubic hair grooming.
Posted at 12:30 PM | Comments (3)April 03, 2006
Search Haiku
Here are some more things that people have searched for on my site. I don't know who you are, but you people are total degenerates. And thank you for frequenting my little blog. Come again!
1. videos of hooliganism
Dude, if you can't think up your own shit, don't be a copy-cat. Besides, what 80 year old is looking up "videos of hooliganism"? Wouldn't someone of the proper age to commit hooliganism be looking up vandalism?
2. strawberry shortcak
I don't know what "shortcak" is, but I don't think I'd want to eat it. Not with all the strawberries in the world.
3. dooce
Don't be searching my site for Dooce. You should be searching Dooce's site for me.
4. cartoons spreading noses
What the--?
5. ugg clogs
I hope you didn't really expect to find any useful information here about ugg clogs. If I were to deign to mention them, it would only be for the purposes of mocking and derision. Now hang your head in shame.
And the rest of these -- *sigh* -- I just... don't even know.
6. donkey stroking
7. goat nadgering
8. baboon pestulance
9. seal tupping
10. crock bothering
Although there's almost a poetic quality to them, when you put them all together. A haiku, perhaps, in tandum with cherry blossom season?
Baboon pestulance,
Goat nadgering, Seal tupping,
And donkey stroking.
Brings a tear to my eye and a song to my heart.
Posted at 02:55 PM | Comments (3)January 16, 2006
Google Sex Searches Brought Them Here
Things People Were Hoping To Find When They Found My Site Through Google
pumpkin pirate
I'm confused. Do you eat this or hump it?
wilma flinstone hairdo
When the hell did I blog about anything even remotely resembling this? I've never even mentioned Wilma!
how to shave your cooter
Get someone else to shave it for you. DUH.
my barbie swallows
I totally have this shirt.
monkey with a fez
Now this I can understand! Who WOULDN'T want a monkey with a fez?!
smelly pirate hooker costume
Why smelly? Just... WHY?
vagina rippage
OW! Oh, God, who Googles that? I mean, shouldn't they be RUSHING TO THEIR DOCTOR?!
pictures of woman peeing in the mens restrooms
Someone was very bored at work.
sister mom bro sex
I hate people.
elephantitis of the testes
Now I KNOW I've never blogged about THIS.
slutty bank tellers
Bank tellers? Really? I can understand waitresses, flight attendants, nurses -- but bank tellers? Huh. I'll have to keep an eye out for that.
fur sheepskin sexy girl
If there's one thing this person takes away from my site, I hope it's this -- sheepskin is never sexy. Put down the Ugg boots and back away!
bound gagged babysitter turtleneck
Okay, I get the first three words, but why is the turtleneck an integral part of the fantasy? To cover up the hickies? I don't get it.
sin grandma
This will be the tattoo I get to celebrate my 80th birthday.
how to earn beads in ymca indian princesses
I always feel bad for the well-intentioned, unsuspecting house-frau who searches for something innocuous and ends up finding my body parts. Oh, and remind me to tell you about Indian Princesses sometime. The YMCA would NOT approve.
feel me up school bus story
I never got felt up on the school bus. Not even while riding to and from track meets with the boys' varsity track team. I had nothing worth feeling when I was in school.
latex soccer moms
*sigh*
what do you call the string on the outside of a bologna slice
I call it GROSS. Buy some fucking Oscar Mayer, and you won't have this problem!
liv tyler - plaid skirt - red panties
I'm hope Husband appreciated the irony when he searched for this and was directed to my site. I know it's you, honey!
old hot sexy mom like to go and cam with men .com
And "cam?" "Cam" being a... verb? Do they mean "camp?" And is the ".com" really necessary? I mean, he's searching the internet. Isn't the ".com" kind of implied?
schoolgirl long legs white sox small panties
Marty. Quit it.
nicki the crippled
OH! MY! GOD! How appropriate! Nichole is TOTALLY crippled by her paranoia and SO MANY OTHER THINGS! BWAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA! (I'm sorry -- I know this is something that only she and I will find funny.)
lucy liu bound and gagged
If you find this, please send me the link.
wife find new ways to enjoy husbands dogs confessions
Oh, come on! That's just animal abuse! Leave the dog alone! For heaven's sake!
starting eating alot of peanut butter is that a sign of crystal meth
I'm no doctor, but I'm going to have to give a big fat "NO" to this one.
January 10, 2006
Today's Post Is Brought to You By the Letter V
Remember that song on Sesame Street?
One of these things is not like the others
One of these things just doesn't belong
And then they'd show us four things -- like, a loaf of bread, a gallon of milk, a stick of butter, and an El Camino -- and we had to guess which one didn't belong in the group?
Well, they'd never get away with that shit nowadays, because Elmo wouldn't want to hurt the El Camino's feelings, and sure, Mr. El Camino, you can be a jar of peanut butter if you want!
What. Evah.
Anyhoo, today we're going to play the game One of These Things Is Not Like the Others! (Great. Now I'm gonna have that damn song stuck in my head for the rest of the day.)
Remember, I was telling you about the spreadsheets I made for Heather, of the various Vegas chapel wedding packages she could choose from? Well, each hotel names their packages (much like men), and they all have themes and whatnot, and it's all very over-the-top and silly.
So, I will name all the packages for a specific hotel, and you will have to guess which one I think doesn't fit in and should be mocked and ridiculed for being different! Ready? Let's begin!
Wedding Chapel at Aladdin
1. A Moment Like This
2. I Do
3. Unforgettable
4. From This Moment On
5. Because You Loved Me
6. This I Promise You
7. Magic Carpet Ride
8. Together Forever
Now, correct me if I'm wrong (and I know you will), but I believe these are all song titles. And the one that doesn't belong is...?
7. Magic Carpet Ride
I'm sorry, this is romantic... how? Why not Endless Love? Vision of Love? Love Shack? Why not just call it Highway to Hell, for Pete's sake! Seriously -- Magic Carpet Ride? Is this a civil ceremony for lesbians only? Because that's the only rational explanation I can come up with.
Chapels at Caesar's Palace
1. Simplicita
2. Passione
3. Simchah
4. Amore
5. La Dolce Vita
I'm no linguistics expert, but one of these is not immediately recognizable as Italian. Can you guess which one?
3. Simchah
And further investigation tells us... ah, yes. "Package includes a Chuppah, Kiddish cup and Rabbi services." Well, that explains it. Heather will probably pick this one; she's a total Jewannabe.
Island Wedding Chapel at the Tropicana
1. Gardenia
2. Jasmine
3. Stargazer
4. Orchid
5. Bird of Paradise
I think all of these are flowers, but...
3. Stargazer
Can I get a ruling on this one? And if it is a flower, I think they should use the name of a flower that normal people have actually heard of before. Like Lily of the Valley, or Lilac. Those are totally my favorites!
The Forever Grand Wedding Chapel at the MGM Grand
1. Classic Elegance
2. Forever Yours
3. Always and Forever
4. Everlasting Love
5. Practice Makes Perfect
6. Conference Center
I bet you think I'm going to say "Conference Center," don't you? Well, I'm not, Mr. Smartyboots! Conference Center is merely boring, whereas the real answer is downright insulting!
5. Practice Makes Perfect
What the--? Who are they to judge? That's pretty goddamn nervy, if you ask me! What do they care if it's my second or third or fifth marriage, as long as my credit card clears! I wanna go there and be like, "Yeah, I'd like your Practice Makes Perfect package, please? And do you have a punch card or something? Cuz if I can find me a 25 year old, I'll be coming back."
The Chapel at Luxor
1. Diamonds of the Nile
2. Emeralds of the Queen
3. Sapphires of the East
4. Lady of the Rubies
I'll give you a hint: You have to be at least as anal-retentive as I am for this to bother you. Give up?
4. Lady of the Rubies
Don't they even comprehend their own pattern?! Jewel of the Noun, Jewel of the Noun! Then BAM! Noun of the Jewel! Why would they do something like that?! Such flagrant disregard for their own system is incomprehensible! Or maybe it's just that I forgot to take my meds this morning...
Sunrise and Sunset Chapels at Mandalay Bay
1. Platinum Skies
2. Opal Shores
3. Crystal Waters
4. Diamond Lights
This one is like the previous one, only even MORE insidious!
4. Diamond Lights
See what I'm saying? Skies, shores, waters -- all conjure up images of a panoramic beach landscape. Lights? What -- like flashlights? Zippo lighters? Tiki torches? WHAT LIGHTS?! Would it have been such a difficult task for them to come up with Diamond Sands? Or Diamond Moonbeams? Or Diamond Drink Umbrellas? ANYTHING!!! Gah!
Coincidentally, Opal Shores was my stage name when I was... um... dancing.
Posted at 11:16 AM | Comments (2)January 05, 2006
Three Reasons Why Getting a Professional Massage Is Like a Good Romp In the Sack
1. It inexplicably makes my nipples hard.
2. I leave there with my hair mussed, my mascara smeared, and my bra in my coat pocket.
3. I'm sore -- yet content -- the next morning.
Posted at 01:14 PM | Comments (4)January 03, 2006
Earning Your Pity and Hatred in 2005
I don't do New Year's Resolutions, and I don't do The Year in Review. I do (in no particular order)...
Things I Regret Doing in 2005
1. Spilling pop in my computer keyboard.
2. Doing 86 mph in Wisconsin.
3. Letting PJ and Ramone babysit my dog.
4. This.
5. Blogging about my stepdaughters.
6. Dying my hair Bozo-red.
7. Taking PJ on vacation with me.
8. Purchasing and wearing The Hair Cage.
10. Being a horrible mommy and letting my dog run away.
Posted at 12:02 PM | Comments (3)December 30, 2005
Good News & Bad News
Those of you who don't have your very own website probably don't know all that goes into maintaining this thing. There's the task of coming up with crap to blog about, yes. But there's also the changing of the icons, the updating of the links, and the deleting of the spam comments. Oh, wretched, cursed spam comments!
Several times each day, I have to go into my Comments page and separate the comments of my treasured readers from the spam crap. The wheat from the chaff, if you will. (Yes, I'm occassionally awake at church.) Some days, there are as many as 60 spam comments!
You see what I go through to provide you with good, clean, blogging fun? You didn't know that, did you? Well, I do it all willingly, unselfishly, with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. For you, dear readers. Por vous.
The good news is, the spam commenters have stopped trying to sell me online gambling, weight-loss drugs and Ethiopian banking opportunities. The bad news is, they are now trying to sell me porn. And, from the looks of it, not very good porn, either.
gay twinks hot teens
What is a "twink"? Am I missing out on something good here?
pre teen flasher virgin teens
Ew. Just... ew.
hairy pussy galleries
I thought it was just the opposite that was desirable? I guess I can stop buying my razors in bulk now. I love the thought that it's a "gallery." Like there are all these photos of cooters hanging on white walls, while a bunch of Euro-trash walks around drinking wine and saying, "Yes, but what does it mean?"
teen pregnancy teachers fucking students
I don't get this one. Do the teachers educate their students about teen pregnancy by day, and try to impregnate them by night? Are the teen pregnancy teachers living double lives? Or, more likely, am I missing the point entirely?
lesbian lovers free videos of lesbians
Oh, sure. I get this one after Christmas.
yugioh porn mardi gras girls
What does Yugioh and Mardi Gras have to do with each other? Come to think of it, what does Yugioh have to do with porn? This title reminds me of some bad japanese translation of an anime series title.
put my pussy on your dick girl models
Well, I have to give them credit for not beating around the bush.
young girl models thong world
Wait a minute. There's just one girl modeling the entire thong world? She's going to be awfully busy. And chaffed.
blowjob clips lesbian orgy
If I were a lesbian, I'd be very offended that my orgy was being billed with blowjob clips.
hentai lesbian
What's "hentai"? Is this another Japanese thing? Boy, they sure do love their porn, don't they?
hot young teens asian girls hot
So hot they named it twice! You know, guys, there are homely Asian women out there. I've seen them. And Asian women are not privy to ancient sex secrets that the rest of the world isn't. Just get over it.
granny pussy
Oh, dude.
hot college girl saggy tits
This is an oxymoron. And, thus, very poor marketing.
galleries of hot moms
Another gallery! My favorite!
red hot chili peppers amateur porn
Is this what I think it is? Cuz I would LOVE to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers sex tapes. Unless Paris Hilton is in them. Which she probably is. Cuz she's in all of them. Except mine.
December 28, 2005
Ninja Bacon Pancakes
Things People Were Shopping for On the Internet When They Were Directed To My Site
1. assjet 2000
Is there such a thing? My curiosity is piqued, to say the least.
2. huckleberry pie costumes
Oh dear. Some mild-mannered, cat-dressing house-frau was just trying to complete her doll collection. Poor thing was probably horrified to hear that ol' Huck, allegedly, plays for the other team.
3. darling diva pink lemonade soap
Someone please send me some of this!
4. squirrel in a pirate outfit
Wait, forget the diva soap -- I'd rather have one of these.
5. porn doggie style pictures video -ale -grooming -gay -bakery -ebay -dogpile -forum -quiz
I think this person needs to narrow down their search if they want to find that perfect gift for Uncle Leon.
6. silky dresses and diapers for men stories
Two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree!
7. pie ninja bacon pancakes pirates
Pure. Awesome.
8. roofers leather knee pads
Oh, suuuuuuuuure they're for roofing.
9. bruce campbell panties
As soon as I finish this stupid post, I am Googling these and buying myself a pair.
10. jello oh my darling dessert
I know how you feel, my friend. Oh, my precious, darling Jello.
November 18, 2005
A Week of MTPB
Music To Pee Bydedicated to Nicholle
who coined the phrase
Monday, 10:32 a.m.
Favorite Things - Rogers & Hammerstein
I have no problem with this song, but what do you do when someone's in the bathroom and you really have to take a dump, and you know it's gonna be bad cuz you nearly died from your own farts? Do warn them? Do you painfully squeeze your buttcheeks together until they leave? Do you just go for it and figure, Hey, that's what we're here for?
Monday, 4:11 p.m.
Music of the Night - Andrew Lloyd Weber
Dear Christ, does anyone need to hear this EVER AGAIN?
Tuesday, 9:43 a.m.
From a Distance - Bette Midler
Now, I love Bette, I do, but what I want from Bette is tulle and tits and sequins and naughty banter. I don't want a message from God, and I sure don't want to be reminded that He's watching me... while I launch a sea-pickle.
Tuesday, 3:51 p.m.
Send in the Clowns - *sigh*
I wish I were making this up. I really do.
Wednesday, 10:19 a.m.
Cannon in D - Pachabel
Hasn't this song been played at enough weddings that it doesn't need to be played anywhere else, ever?
Wednesday, 11:35 a.m.
Tears in Heaven - Eric Clapton
I cry every damn time I hear this song. Without fail. And you know, if you're crying alone in a bathroom stall at work, it's really time to re-evaluate your life.
Wednesday, 1:36 a.m.
Lara's Theme - Some Russian Guy
My deepest regret is the eighteen hours of my life that I wasted watching this three-hour movie.
Thursday, 10:07 a.m.
The Music Box Dancer - Some Sick, Unimaginative Bastard
I took piano lessons for ten years when I was younger. My Mom made me learn this and play it over and over and over and over and over and over...
Thursday, 12:05 p.m.
Wind Beneath My Wings - Bette Midler
Every time I hear this song, I die a little bit inside. I came home from work once to find my first husband sitting alone, in the dark, watching Beaches and crying. When I stopped laughing, I told him to "Get a fucking job!"
Thursday, 3:04 p.m.
Witchcraft - Frank Sinatra
This song always makes me think of when Bart Simpson was working for the Springfield mob, and he walks into the kitchen singing this song and tells Marge to, "Gimme three fingers of milk."
Friday, 10:07 a.m.
Memory - Andrew Lloyd Weber
Oh, God, seriously?
Friday, 12:29 p.m.
Blue Velvet - ...I have no idea
All I can hear is Dennis Hopper screaming, "Mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!"
[If this list seems short, it's because some of the music was unidentifiable by me, not because I've stopped peeing every 20 minutes.]
Posted at 02:01 PM | Comments (6)November 04, 2005
Here Comes... The Bride!
Now that the All About Wenchie birthday week is over, I have to put up with A YEAR of All About Heather. Why? She done gone and got herself engaged.
There'll be no living with her now.
I now need a new name by which to mock her, and since Bridezilla is already taken (by that heinous t.v. show that encourages young women to act like monsters to that the rest of us can watch smugly and say to the men in our lives, "Well, at least I'm not that bitchy."), I'm considering the following:
1. Bride Kong
2. Frankenbride
3. Bride-ula
4. Bride of the Black Lagoon
5. Bride of the Opera
6. The Invisible Bride
7. Bride of Bride
8. Attack of the 50 Foot Bride
9. Jurassic Bride
10. The Bride!
Well, you get the picture.
She's getting hitched in Vegas, and I am crossing my fingers for the Elvis Chapel! Because, for one, it would make a GREAT blog entry, and two, I'd get to wear jeans.
The other option I'm rooting for is having the service on some Spanish gallion or something, because then I can dress like a pirate. And rape the bride.
Initially, I think I was in the running for Bridesmaid, and lemme just tell you -- I would only do it if I got to wear lime-green chiffon with a matching floppy hat and a big taffeta bow on my ass!
But I think I dodged that bullet and Heather's Brother is going to do it. Which is fine because he looks much better in hats than I do.
Okay, gotta go -- have to see how many times I can say, "Oh, you'd look gorgeous in that gown!" and still sound awe-struck and sincere.
Posted at 11:07 AM | Comments (4)October 17, 2005
Shop Early, Shop Often!
I turn 36 in two weeks, and to ease the blow, I am going to need the following gifts, preferrably wrapped in whimsical, hand-decorated paper, and tied with yards of pink satin and tulle:
1. Seasons IV, V and VI of "Xena: Warrior Princess" on DVD.
2. A date with Bruce Campbell. And by date, I mean hot, ravenous monkey sex. (I can't wait to see him in pink satin!) If Bruce is otherwise engaged on the 30th, I'll settle for his new book, Make Love the Bruce Campbell Way.
3. Miniature Chairs from Pottery Barn. The shipping is FREE, so at $69, they're practically giving them away!
4. One word: HOODIES.
5. I have recently begun flirting with this hot little number from Tiffany & Co. Mmmm, tall, shiney and handsome. I know he's out of my league, but I just won't rest until I possess him completely!
6. World peace and an end to all disease. (If not immediately available, I'll take a gift card.)
7. A new job as copy writer for the crap people put up for auction on eBay. Now there's a job I could have fun with! As you will see next week... (Ooooooh, foreshadowing!)
8. A first class plane ticket to go visit Scarlett Cyn in her homeland of, ohhhhh, let's say... Arabia.
9. A book entitled Ideas to Blog About for the Days That You're Totally Worthless. Or a book deal to write such a book.
10. Hallmark eCards from my readers to validate me.
Posted at 11:55 AM | Comments (4)August 03, 2005
100 Things About Me: Part One
[I know this is totally teenagery, but I just can't think of anything to blog about, and I'm currently juggling four projects. Unfortunately, you're the ones who have to suffer for it.]
1. I took piano lessons for 10 years, ages 5 to 15, and I was awesome. Then I quit to coach the varsity track team and meet boys.
2. My shoe size is 8½.
3. I have over 150 Barbies.
4. I don’t eat seafood. My mantra is “Nothing from the sea!” And yes, that includes shrimp. And tuna.
5. When I was a senior in high school, I won the Gwendolyn Brooks Illinois Poet Laureate Award and got to miss my graduation ceremony to go meet her. She was kewl.
6. I wear thong underwear cuz I hate VPL.
7. I have three tattoos. (I can hear Queenie now -- "Pictures, please!")
8. I have the recipe for Tollhouse Chocolate Chip Cookies memorized.
9. I have two sisters.
10. I’m the middle child.
11. I was often mistaken for a boy when I was a kid.
12. I’ve never finished a game of Monopoly. And I don't care.
13. Two years ago, I had my appendix, four inches of intestine, and a mass the size of a softball removed.
14. I still have my wisdom teeth, my tonsils and my gallbladder.
15. When I was little, and the other kids were taking horseback riding lessons or skiing, I was folk dancing.
16. I’m 5’8” in my bare feet.
17. I love the Beatles; can’t stand Elvis.
18. I have a 3 year old yellow lab named Daisy.
19. In 1986, I had mono and slept for three months straight. Prior to diagnosis, I had done ALL the rehearsals for both “Hello, Dolly!” at school and “The Pirates of Penzance” with a local theatre group. I wasn’t able to do any of the performances. I'm still bitter about it.
20. I have cousins who live in Norway and visit us every few years.
21. I have no qualms about skinny dipping, anytime, anywhere.
22. I suck at sports and hated every moment of every gym class. Except for the one day I climbed the rope to the top of the gym and was one of only three girls to make it into The Tarzan Club.
23. I cannot snap my fingers.
24. I didn’t get my period till I was 15.
25. I gained an entire bra cup-size when I was 20, without gaining any weight.
26. I’m the only one in my house who knows how to load a dishwasher.
27. From the time I moved out of my parents’ house at 19 to when I married Husband at 32, I moved nine times. I owe sooooooo many people!
28. Favorite authors in junior high: V.C. Andrews and Stephen King.
29. Favorite authors now: Neil Gaiman and Tom Robbins.
30. I lost my virginity two weeks before my 17th birthday.
31. I’ve seen “The Princess Bride” over 20 times, most of those in the theatre.
32. My favorite movie of all time is “Young Frankenstein.” It’s just brilliant.
33. When I shave my legs, I miss three hairs on each kneecap EVERY SINGLE TIME.
34. When my Mom was preggo with me, she was so sure I was going to be a boy, they didn’t even bother to pick out a girl name. I was Bradley. On the way home from the hospital, they got my name from a billboard. True story.
35. When I was little, my Mom wouldn’t let us get a dog, so she let us have hamsters, mice and gerbils. I named all mine after Gilbert & Sullivan characters. Nerd alert!
36. I weighted 8 lbs. 14 oz. at birth.
37. I love garlic.
38. I am Second Generation American.
39. My eyes are blue-grey.
40. I’ve noticed my CD collection consists of a large percentage of soundtracks -- movie and musical.
41. I have both my earlobes double-pierced, but I haven’t worn any earrings in the second holes for years.
42. I got an A in every single English class I ever took. EVER.
43. I flunked out of Algebra II in high school.
44. I’m a mezzo soprano.
45. Currently, I have participated in 156 transactions on eBay.
46. I’ve been on David Letterman’s show, twice. And yes, I mean on stage, not in the audience. And no, it wasn’t for Stupid Human Tricks.
47. Luke Perry once checked out my ass.
48. I have a dead tooth (a canine) and a veneer on it.
49. I hate pot roast. It's stringy.
50. I very deeply believe the old adage that Actions Speak Louder Than Words.
Posted at 03:13 PM | Comments (5)August 02, 2005
Arrr, I Got Yer Pirate Butt Right Here!
Well. I am humbled. My stats say I had 388 unique visitors stay for over a minute in July. (If they stay for less than a minute, they're probably spiders, robots, worms, ex-boyfriends, etc.)
If I added together all my relatives, friends, co-workers, health care providers, casual acquaintances, enemies, minions, stalkers, bank tellers, grocery baggers and neighbors, I STILL don't know 388 people.
So for 388 sentient beings to be -- freely and of their own will -- reading my dorky blog, well, that's fucking AMAZING. Now, if each of my 388 readers were to send me a dollar...
Top Ten Search Keyphrases for July
1. pirate wench
2. piratewench.org
3. wench
4. morningfield s
5. naked wench
6. gagged pirate queen
7. owen wilson licks ass
8. slutty pirate
9. owen wilson licks butt
10. pirate butt
To all of you who wanted to know more about Owen Wilson's ass-licking habit, I say -- WELCOME! You have a home here! Come, be enfolded in the bosom of acceptance! No one here will judge you for your pervy, tongue-bathing fetish! We embrace normal people and sickos alike!
Get great Halloween costumes at our convenient costume store online. Everything you need in costumes from A to Z. Pirate costumes and even adult costumes for dress-up time or for fun!
Posted at 03:11 PM | Comments (2)
June 28, 2005
These Are a Few of My Favorite Things!
Know what I love about you, my loyal readers -- and commenters? You're at least as funny as I am. And when funny people read my blog, it means I can believe that I'm funny.
(You like how I do that? Turn it around and make it all about me?)
So here are some of my favorite comments from recent posts. These aren't the only ones that made me chuckle and snigger and guffaw. It's just a smattering.
(Those are fun words!)
From: Heather’s Birthday: The Journey Ends
Re: Five-layer chocolate cake with buttercream frosting.
"I must say, in many ways you are a girl after my own heart. (Probably after it with dull utensils and a shocking lack of respect for where the blood splatters, but that's an aside.)"
~ some_other_dave
From: Pimpin’ In My Hooptie
Re: The car disintegrating around me so that I scooch to a halt on my smoking buttocks, legs splayed out in front of me, still holding the steering wheel, a la Wile E. Coyote.
"This whole entry was just an excuse for you to talk about your 'smoking buttocks,' wasn't it?"
~ Marty
From: When Doves Cry, It’s Because of This Sweater
Re: 
"In 1986 I would have worn it with a black turtle neck, black mini skirt, cobalt blue tights, black socks and penny loafers with dimes in them. With a banana clip and big earrings. Oh! And cobalt blue eyeliner."
~ Anne
From: Band Names
Re: List of Top Ten Search Keyphrases
"I was in a band back in high school called 'The Salty Pirate Verb' -– we were a Queen cover band. Had to disband though. The football team kept beating us up at our own gigs. I don’t know why. They may have been uncomfortable with my sequined jumpsuit that highlighted my 'bulges.'"
~ Heather’s timid co-worker
From: Batman Purely, Awesomely Begins
Re: Whom to replace with CHRISTIAN BALE on my List of Five
"You can take Owen off -- because if push comes to shove I will shove you down an empty elevator shaft to get to that man -- so basically why have him on if you don't have a chance?"
~ Queen of Fucking Everything
From: Anne Makes My Dreams Come True
Re: Me buying a pink fanny pack
"Wow, Wenchie, on the off-chance that you have British readers, do you know what 'fanny' means over there? *cringes*"
~ Celtic Elff
[Seriously, I have no idea what “fanny” means in England, so if someone could enlighten me…?]
From: The Yin to Heather’s Yang
Re: A list I made of Anne’s nice qualities, cuz I was talking about Heather waaaaaaay too much.
"I can't believe you would even think about writing about someone else, Wenchie. after all we've been through together! I mean, I read stuff! AND I know stuff about things!!! THINGS!!!!"
~ Heather
From: And I Thought MY Dog Was Weird
Re: My sister's dog eating frogs.
"Frogs, worms, rabbit turds (nature's Milkduds), dead birds (she'd eat live ones if she could catch one, which she tries to every day), grass (seriously, she grazes like a cow), and flies! She actually caught a fly in the house yesterday. It was very entertaining to watch and I was happy to be rid of the little bugger. At least she's good for something!"
~ My Sister
And of course, there are the inevitable comments from people who want me to loose weight, borrow money from them, or enlarge my PEN15, but they're just not funny.
Okay, the PEN15 ones are a little funny.
Posted at 01:33 PM | Comments (10)June 06, 2005
Made To Pee Outside
People may be wackos, but at least they never fail to disappoint me.
Top Ten Search Keyphrases for PirateWench.org
1. pirate wench
2. wench
3. kidnapped bound gagged naked made to pee outside
4. pirate workout
5. plastered pirate
6. pirate wench costume
7. lean cuisines
8. pirate party menu
9. googles women wearing panties
10. napolean dynomite dance
And now, my horrified comments because, really, how can I resist?
Number Four
Made to pee outside. I don't understand this. Is the soul purpose of the kidnapping just to watch someone pee in the woods? Why not just take some friends camping? Seems like an awful lot of trouble for very little pay-off.
Number Four
Pirate workout? So, pilates and step-aerobics aren't workin' for ya? What would a pirate workout entail? Hoisting the mainstay? Dancing a hornpipe? Digging a really deep hole?
Number Five
Plastered pirate is redundant. That you're drunk off your peg-leg is pressumed when you assume the title of Pirate.
Number Seven
This is the actual page I'm sure they found when searching on lean cuisines. Wouldn't it be funny if Heather's dumbass co-worker was searching for a sale on Lean Cuisines and found that page about herself? That's too good to even hope for.
Number Eight
If you're reading this, and you're having a party that includes a pirate menu, PLEASE INVITE ME!!!
Number Nine
*sigh*
Number Ten
I'm so excited about Napolean Dynomite fans finding me. Nerds of a feather!
May 24, 2005
Pirate Wench's Patented Guide to Junior High Insults
Take a word from Column A and combine with a word from Column B:
Voila! Something to call your BFF when they walk home with someone else or don't pick you first for kickball at recess!
"Dawn didn't spot me right for my pennydrop, so I fell and broke my Swatch watch! She's such a buttwipe!"
Hee hee! They make me giggle. I think dicklick is my fav, 'cause it rhymes.
Posted at 11:29 AM | Comments (3)May 19, 2005
Linky McLinkerstein
Yeah, so Heather's obviously as bored an unmotivated as me today because she keeps sending me links to amuse me. And since there are few things I love more than spreading unproductivity, I'm sharing them with you, my beloveds.
Napolean Dynomite Shakes His Money-Maker
If you saw this movie and didn't cheer when Napoleon got up there and danced his little heart out for Pedro's campaign, then you have no soul. After it loads (worth the wait), hit the 1 button to get it started. Nicholle peed her chair and has to request a new one from management. Heather recommends the Star Wars music; I, however, am a Popcorn fan. But whatever you do, don't use Time to Party! It's that stupid music from the Six Flags Great America commercials that were sent to us directly from the Innermost Circle of Hell. Am I crazy or is Napoleon's dance number kinda... sexy?
Baby Goggles
Since Heather's Sister got knocked up, Heather's gone all maternal or something and is shopping for baby gear. Now, God bless her desire to protect her future niece/nephew's eyes from harmful UV rays, but this kid looks like the love child of The Fly and Ru Paul. I wish she'd just go back to Danish modern furniture on eBay.
Two-Headed Baby
And then there's this piece of work. I know I should be feeling overwhelming sorrow and sympathy for this baby and her family, but I'm too exhausted by the effort it's taking to suppress my gag-reflex. Seriously, it's not for the faint-of-heart. But by this time, you've already clicked on the link, so -- sorry!
Aaaaaaand, yeah. That's pretty much my morning in a nutshell.
Posted at 09:09 AM | Comments (0)May 18, 2005
Contents of the Nuclear Pantry
I'm totally ripping off Max's anthopological blogging idea. Except it wasn't really his idea in the first place; it was some Phil McCracken guy, so I don't feel too bad about the stealing.
But to differentiate myself a tad (as Max differentiated himself by doing his freezer instead of his fridge), I'm going to log the contents of my Nuclear Pantry for posterity.
*sigh* Fine. If you're too lazy to read Max's insightful and intriguing blog, I'll sum it up. The concept is to list the contects of... something, then create "a 'bio' for each product, including assumptions, beliefs, and reflections about them," so that when people read my blog 1,000 years from now, they'll learn something about the time I lived in. Or something.
And now I have to make a disclaimer:
To All Anthropologists of the Future -- I am in no way representative of my time. Please do not hold anything you find in my blog against my people.
Next on the agenda, two explanations about the Nuclear Pantry. What is it, and where did the name come from?
My Nuclear Pantry is the huge stash of groceries I have stored in the bottom file drawer of my desk. I am not a human. I don't eat three big meals a day. I'm a cow. I graze. I probably eat something little every two hours. So I keep a variety of food items near me at all times.
The name Nuclear Pantry was coined by GC, of JELLO! fame. A bunch of us were vacationing together, caravaning to our destination in Iowa, and we were an hour and a half late getting going because Christine took fucking forever loading her car.
In addition to the normal stuff one packs -- and over-packs -- for a trip, she also packed many, many food items. Including, an entire palatte of canned Beanie Weinie. Seriously, like, sixteen cans. Because... they don't have grocery stores in Iowa??? Freak. GC thought perhaps she was anticipating a nuclear holocaust, and thus the name was born.
Anyhoo, here's my list. Get ready for an historic event.
Orville Reddenbacher's 94% Fat Free Kettle Korn
This was purchased because actual fat-filled kettle korn is awesome, and I was hoping that this would be a nice way to satiate my sweet tooth in a not-too-unhealthy way. Yeah, not so much. The box is about 6 months old now, yet I can't throw it out because there are children starving in Ethiopia. Without microwaves.
Kraft Easy Mac
I think I've already covered this here.
Country Time Pink Lemonade Mix
I'm not sure why I have this. It's turning into crunchy rocks. I think it sounded like a good idea when I bought it, cuz I love lemonade, but I never remember that I have it. Or maybe I just resent the images of swimmin' holes and apple tress and front porch swings that it conjures up while I'm stuck in a cubicle.
Del Monte Lite Sliced Peaches
I have to force myself to eat one fruit and one vegetable -- in some form -- every day. I know, I'm supposed to have, like, twelve servings or something. I'm working up to it. Get off my back.
Del Monte Lite Sliced Pears
Ditto.
Canfield's Diet Cream Soda
Yet another attempt to satisfy the sweet tooth without the calories. Hugely more successful than the fat-free kettle korn. However, were I able to actually find Diet Mug Root Beer anywhere, there would be no need for any other beverage. Damn you, Mug, and your shitty distribution!
Quaker Oatmeal Squares Cereal
These are totally yummy for snacking, and much less bad for you than chips or Cinnabon. In fact, they may be The Perfect Food, as I can lower my cholesterol while stuffing my face, and they require no preparation or utensils! Ah, a sad little glimpse into my priorities.
Hunt's Fat Free Pudding Snack Packs
The Other Perfect Food. Most of the chocolate taste, none of the fat. Surprisingly satisfying. It's got a good beat, and it's fun to dance to -- I give it an 8.5.
Diamond Shelled Walnuts
I've always loved walnuts. My grandpa would always make me shell them for him to put on his cream cheese on toast, and we would make a game out of who could come up with the biggest, unbroken piece. But I never ate them because: nuts = fat. Right? But now I find that they're a good source of omega 3 fatty acids, which are, apparently, not as heinous as we'd originally thought. So bring 'em on!
Smarties Candy Rolls
Do these things even count as food?
Hill's Bros. Cappuccino Double Mocha Mix
For those mornings. You know the ones. I don't like coffee really, so it has to taste like a candy bar in order for me to drink it. Why not a Diet Coke, you ask? I just can't do pop before noon. I know, that sounds totally Amish, but there are just some things I can't subject my stomach to in the morning. Lucky Charms, for instance, are a dinner food.
Tastefully Simple Toffee Coffee Mix
Yummy-licious, caffienated, and only 70 grams of fat per serving!
Campbell's Chunky Hearty Vegetable with Pasta Soup
A good, quick lunch, because I'm too lazy to make and pack myself a lunch in the morning. And the deli downstairs get old fast. And if I went out to lunch every single day, like I'd like to, I'd be even fatter.
Campbell's Soup At Hand Classic Tomato
Ditto above, minus the pesky spoon requirement.
I wonder what future anthopologists will conclude about the Pirate Wench...
Posted at 02:04 PM | Comments (3)May 16, 2005
Answer Me These Questions Three
Okay, it's five, but that didn't rhyme. As promised, Mordecai. (And I'm not calling you "Heather's Boyfriend" because, between you and me, she's getting just a little too pleased with herself at how everyone surrounding her is identified via their relationship to HER.)
1. If you ever did an autobiographical film, who would you pick to play yourself, and why?
2. How do you picture your funeral?
3. You work for the government and find out that the President is involved in some seriously illegal shit. By blowing the whistle, you would be framed on an unrelated matter, fired, publicly humiliated and raked over the coals. Would you do it?
4. An eccentric millionaire offers to give $1,000,000 to the charity of your choice if he/she drops you off on Michigan Ave. butt-ass naked, and picks you up again after you walk four blocks. If you had a body guard so no one attacked you, would you do it? Would your answer change if the money were for yourself?
5. On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being "meh" and 10 being "insta-boner," how good of a kisser is Heather?
May 10, 2005
More Q&A
Wow, Stuart really finished his answers in record time! He must have a job like mine -- heavy on the blogging, easy on the working. And I am so totally with him on his answers to one and two. When is Ben Affleck ever not an asshat?
Her Majesty, the Queen of Ass has deigned to answer the questions of her lowly subject. However, I am not at all pleased that I'm apparently going to have to get her approval before putting on my underwear in the morning.
Marty gets bonus points for multiple Gilbert & Sullivan references in his answers. He also gets Mongo-Hugo-Grando Bonus Points for using the words from a song I last heard sung by one of the persons on my List of People I'd Think Dead. How's that for kismet? Oooooh, creeeeepy!
And now, because you asked, Max, here are your questions. I hope they're weird enough for you. I know how you loves you some uncommon thought:
1. A charitable organization you believe in deeply asks you to perform in a fund-raising variety show for 1,000 people. Do you accept? What do you perform?
2. Everyone has that one friend or family member who is ALWAYS late. How do you handle it? Resentment? Acceptance? Confrontation? Can you be counted on to be on time?
3. For $1,000,000, would you be willing to have horrible nightmares every night for a year?
4. After a doctor exam, you are told that you have advanced cancer and only have months to live. Four days later, your doctor calls back and tells you that the tests were mislabeled, and you're totally fine. In those four days, you have learned things about yourself. Are the lessons worth the four days of anguish?
5. Say you're in a beautiful natural setting with food and shelter provided, but you won't see another person, for a month. Would this be paradise, or would it drive you insane?
And Groundhog, how nice of you to reciprocate! Here ya go:
1. For $1,000,000, would you got three months without bathing, brushing your teeth or wearing deodorant, if you couldn't explain to anyone why you were doing it?
2. Do you shut the door when you're home alone and peeing? What about when your S.O. is home, too?
3. Has your life ever changed drastically because of one seemingly random external event?
4. When did you last yell at someone, and why?
5. Would you go a year without $ex, if it meant a greater sense of contentment afterwards?
Now, let's use our collective peer pressure to get Nicholle and Heather to submit, too! Yay!
Posted at 01:23 PM | Comments (2)Barbara Walters I Ain't
Okay, Marty, here are your questions:
1. Which gender has it easier in our culture? Have you ever wished you were of the opposite $ex?
2. You are given the power to kill people simply by thinking of their deaths. The person would die a natural death, and no one would suspect you. Are there any circumstances under which you would use this power?
3. Would you rather be extremely sucessful professtionally and have an unsatisfying private life, or an extremely exciting private life and have a barely tolerable professional life?
4. You live to be 90, and for the last 60 years, you can retain either the mind or the body of a 30 year old. Which would you choose?
5. When was your most recent fight, what was it about, and who won?
Queen of Ass, your name made me laugh out loud, and I admire your courage. Here are your questions:
1. Does Queen of Ass mean that you have a fantastic ass? (If so, please post photos.) Or does it mean that you're a big fan of other peoples' asses?
2. Would you be willing to become extremely ugly if it meant you could live for a thousand years at any age you want?
3. What was your worst nightmare? (Like real one, while you were asleep, not speaking metaphorically.)
4. Do your close friends tend to be male or female? Younger or older than you?
5. What was your worst experience with drugs and/or alcohol?
And Stuart, my brave boy. I'll try to be gentle:
1. How would you react if you found out that your significant other had a lover of the same $ex before you started dating?
2. For an all-expenses-paid vacation anywhere in the world, would you be willing to pull the wings off a beautiful butterfly with your own hands?
3. When, where and what did you last sing at the top of your lungs?
4. What is the worst psychological torture you can imagine? (Even minor physcial injury doesn't count.)
5. A very good friend pulls off a practical joke that took tons of planning and made you look ridiculous. How do you react?
I can't believe there were only three people who would open themselves up to interview. The rest of you -- hang your heads in shame.
Marty, Stuey and QoA, lemme know when you post your answers, and I'll link to them. Happy soul-searching!
Posted at 08:40 AM | Comments (3)May 09, 2005
A Subtropical Interview
Subtropic couldn’t resist, so why should I? The deal:
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your LJ with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
And since there are few things I like to talk about more than myself, I demanded an interview and got these AWESOME questions:
1. You wake up tomorrow and find that you have the heightened olfactory abilities of a dog. How will this change your life? What will you roll around in?
It would’ve been a nice trait to have after I discovered that Ophelia had a kegger in our home while we were on vacation. I’m pretty damn sure I know what went on, but the keen sense of smell would have told me approximately how many were there, what they smoked, what rooms they were in, what $ex acts went on, etc. But seriously, if I had a dog’s ability to smell food everywhere, that’d just make it even more ridiculously hard to resist food. In ten years, I’d make the news when they had to remove a wall of my house to get my dead, bloated body out. The paramedics would be like, “God, what did she roll in? Is that Oreos?”
2. (Stole this one from author John Dufresne.) You run into someone that you haven't seen for 20 years. Maybe you were friends, or dated casually, but there was never a relationship. During your conversation, you notice that there is a picture of you in his/her wallet. He/she is aware that you've seen it. What happens next?
Actually, something close to that happened. Eight years after we barely dated, an ex wrote me a letter, mailed to my parents’ house. Turns out, he’d been carrying a torch all those years, even becoming a drunk and then drying out. I was horrified to think that I caused him all that angst. And also, I just wanted to yell at him, “Dude, I’m so not worth it!” But back to your question and what happens next. I ask why it’s there and, whatever the answer, end the conversation quickly, out of sheer awkwardness. And then obsess over it for the rest of my life.
3. After you reached maturity, you had the ability to change $ex at will. However, the process is extremely painful, comparable to childbirth, and goes away after ten years. How often have you gender-flipped, what made you want to, and do you still have your original equipment?
So, I get to experience childbirth-like pain and be a man. Um, where's the supposed up-side? After the novelty of whacking off a few times gets old, I sure as hell don’t want to be a man for ten years. First of all, I don’t want to have a $ex thought every three seconds. I already have a hard enough time focusing already. Second of all, assuming I’d still be 35, straight, white and middle-class, I’d be one of the last groups it’s still “okay” to discriminate against. Forget it. No deal.
4. You ran over a dog with your car. You see the dog by the side of the road, still moving. Would you continue on your way, go back and try to help it or go back and put it out of its misery? (Or carve another notch in the dashboard...) How about a cat? A squirrel?
I’d go back and try to help it, without even thinking. A cat? No, sorry. And I know that cat-lovers everywhere are FREAKING OUT, but I just don’t like cats. In fact, I fear them. How do I know it’s not just pretending to be dying so it can lure me over and then STICK ALL ITS CLAWS IN MY FACE?! I’m not saying I’d laugh, I just wouldn’t stop. A squirrel? Been there, done that. Had to pull over for a minute, trying not to faint or barf. The tail was still twitching!
5. A relative you can't stand is dying, and needs a kidney transplant. You are the only person with a matching tissue type. Would you donate your kidney? What if the person is a pedophile? A murderer? At what point is the life not worth saving?
Depends on the age, really. The two relatives of mine I can’t stand are well over 70, and I just can’t justify slicing myself open, only to get 5-10 more years of asshole behavior. But if it were a child, or the parent of young children, I’d do it. But ONLY because, if it’s a relative, then I probably have other relatives who love him/her, and I’d do it for them, not the actual recipient. Pedophile or murderer? No way. Fuck ‘em.
* * * * *
Now. I don’t care who you are, if I know you or not, if you've ever commented or not -- I’d love to interview you! Leave me a comment! And when you answer the questions, I’ll link to it here.
May 06, 2005
The Yin to Heather's Yang
Seriously, all the Heather-love made me throw-up a little in my mouth.
Ten Reasons Why Anne Is Cool
1. Cuz she volunteers at a bird rescue shelter, despite birds being kinda scary. (What? They are!)
2. Cuz even tho’ she’s officially opposed to blogging at work, she still reads mine every day.
3. Cuz she’s nice to old people, even when they’re nasty to her.
4. Cuz when I was in the hospital, she went against every fiber of her being and BOUGHT ME BARBIE STICKERS.
5. Cuz she reads and knows stuff about things.
6. Cuz she has a Snoopy pillow on her big, official-looking, leather office chair.
7. Cuz when I owe her money (which is pretty much always), she never mentions it.
8. Cuz she doesn’t need C-3PO to translate for R2-D2.
9. Cuz she doesn’t spaz when my blonde dog sheds and slobbers all over her black clothes.
10. Cuz when I warned her I was gonna blog about her, she said “You better say something nice about my Mom!”
Anne’s Mom smells like the first lilacs of spring, her smile evokes rainbows and gumdrops and baby angels, and I would totally vote for her for President.
Posted at 03:56 PM | Comments (2)May 04, 2005
Some Very Special Words
Words You Can't Say and Sound Like You Sincerely Mean Them
1. precious
2. classy
3. special
4. darling
Maybe it's just me, but I can't say any these words without sounding sarcastic. Seriously, you try it!
Now, is it because they're outdated, or because I'm inherently a sarcastic bitch?
Little bit o' both, mayhaps?
Posted at 07:45 AM | Comments (5)May 02, 2005
Band Names
Every month, I go to my Cpanel and see how much my readership has gone up (cuz I luvs me some readership!) and other such narcissistic info, like...
Top Ten Search Keyphrases for PirateWench.org
1. wench images
2. wench costume images
3. wench
4. pirate song
5. the salty pirate verb
6. voodoo curse pinecone
7. hello kitty apparell
8. bikini appendectomy
9. pirate wench images
10. nanny cam catches babysitter
What, oh what, is The Salty Pirate Verb? And should I have that or Voodoo Curse Pinecone as the name for my new band?
Posted at 09:38 AM | Comments (5)April 18, 2005
Things I Do That Annoy Myself
1. Saying, “I’m starving!” Am I really starving? No. Of course not. Although I can see my feet just fine, alas, my ribs are but a fond memory. To say that I, with my bottom cubicle drawer full of microwave popcorn, Kraft Easy Mac and Tootsie Pops, am enduring scurvy and faced with an uncertain future undermines what it truly means to be starving. I could live off the fat in my right buttock alone for three weeks. I’m a horrible, horrible person.
2. Waiting too long to go to the bathroom. My place of work moved to a new location last year, and now my desk is at the farthest possible point from the bathroom. And I’m way too lazy to drag my Diet Pepsi-sodden ass down the hall as often as I should. Which means that, when I do go (about the time my kidneys start aching), I have to tiptoe, so as not to slosh around too much.
3. Conversely, waiting too long to go poop. As a rule, I don’t like to sit on the toilet and read or meditate or whatever the hell it is that people do when they take half-hour-long shits. So I wait until my bowels are damn good and ready, so that I can squeeze one out in less than 10 seconds and get on with my life. But sometimes, I wait too long, and then I’ve got a turtlehead poking out. Not a comfortable walk.
4. Talking on my cell phone while I’m driving. For some reason, I can’t get it thru my head that I, too, am a witless asshole when I drive and talk. I will swear to make a sailor blush when someone in front of me has forgotten what the gas pedal and turn signals are because they simply must discuss the last episode of “American Idol” in detail, but that’s just other people. I don’t forsake driving skills for mindless so-what-are-you-doing conversations. NooOOOooo.
[Coming up this week: My adventures in filmmaking with Heather, AND Heather's Mom's birthday celebration! I'm practically the red-headed step-child of that family.]
Posted at 02:28 PM | Comments (1)April 05, 2005
Live & Learn
Okay, people, move along, nothing to see here. You, in the latex -- take your goat and get outta here. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.
So, I thought it was soooo hilarious when someone found my site by Googling "soccer moms tied & gagged," I made it my sub-heading. BIG mistake. Now I'm getting all the freaks. Here are the latest...
Top Ten Key Search Phrases for PirateWench.org
1. a sexy girl with hands tied behind her back and gagged
2. pirate wench
3. wench
4. sexy pirate men pictures
5. tied and gagged men
6. define wench
7. stories about embarrassing peeing and farting
8. pee stains
9. uzi zip front hoodies
10. tied up and gagged women
See what I mean? Now, I love that I still define wench for the Internet, but pee stains? Who Googles pee stains? Jesus, there are some sickos out there.
Hey, Mr. Pee Stain, if you're reading this, you're being called a sicko by someone who got a 43% on The Purity Test! Yes, you're THAT SICK! Get help!
And as much as I'd love to make #7 my new sub-heading, I don't want to become The Potty Lady, so I'll stick with something I saw painted on the side of a restaurant in Wisconsin.
Posted at 10:45 AM | Comments (1)April 01, 2005
My Car Is Sooooooo Clean!
It twinkles, inside and out! I looooooooooove it so much, I want to marry it! I'm going to spend all my time in my car, especially sleeping, but not eating! No more food in my car EVER! In fact, I'm not even taking passengers anymore.
Things You Will Find In My House But Not In My Car, Which Is Why I'm Going To Live In My Car
1. Soap scum
2. Husband's socks
3. Dog hair
4. Week-old broccoli
5. Dust
6. Case's underwear
7. Case
8. Spaghettios
9. 1,000 issues of National Geographic
10. Sawdust
This morning, I put my plastic pint jug of milk in the beverage holder, like a humanoid. So that's going well. However, one tiny drawback is that I have to towel the inside of the windows off every morning.
The carpet and upholstery are still drying, and God forbid I should be able to park my car in the garage overnight and leave the windows open so it can dry out! Nooooo, that would mean Husband paring down his fine collection of lumber and Things We May Need Some Day If The Revolution Comes And We're Caught Unawares And Have To Turn Our Home Into A Fortress And Can't Get To Menard's.
So while Husband was naked and vulnerable in the bathroom this morning, I sweetly expressed to him my delight at the prospect of having to sit on a plastic bag while driving for the next three months because -- have I mentioned? -- MY HUSBAND STORES EVERYTHING HE HAS EVER LOOKED AT IN OUR GARAGE.
And then a miracle happened. An honest to Odin miracle.
All the electricity went off in our house, and a blinding light shone into our bathroom window. Daisy barked once, then rolled over on her back. A chorus of voices came from nowhere, and a beautiful figure clad all in white stepped out from behind the shower curtain, smiling benevolently.
"Lo," it said, "The Lord hath looked upon your garage and declared it unseemly in His eyes. Did He not create garages for your car? Why do you defy the Lord? Yea, this very weekend, thou shalt remove lumber and boxes and things you'll never use from your garage, and you shall put them in storage or haul them to the curb. And lo, it shall be good."
And just as suddenly, it was over, and the lights and radio went back on.
Husband goes, "Did you see that?!"
Oh, I sure did. And there was much rejoicing.
Posted at 01:17 PM | Comments (1)March 22, 2005
Words Fail Me
Top Ten Key Search Phrases for PirateWench.org
1. skanky wench
2. pirate wench drawing
3. cosby sweaters pics
4. carpdeus
5. define wench
6. pirate wench wheel cover
7. masturbation blogs
8. wench attire
9. barbie watch delphine
10. soccer moms tied and gagged
I love the idea that I "define wench" for someone out there. Yes, I am the epitomy of a wench. Watch and learn, my pretties.
Posted at 08:12 AM | Comments (1)March 11, 2005
Reasons Why I'm Crabby Today
1. This weird-ass cold has me feeling like I snorted Drano. The lining of my sinuses is ON FIRE! And everything I eat tastes like pennies.
2. I'm at work, which was a bad, bad idea, but now that I'm here, I'm kinda obligated to stay. At least until my box of Kleenex runs out.
3. Anne pointed out to me that, despite my claims in the previous blog, I have, indeed, on occassion, taken a sick day when I wasn't really sick, to which my only defense was, "Yeah? Well, you think you're so cool!"
4. There are 47 ice cream novelties waiting for me in my freezer at home. And I realize that sounds like something to make one happy rather than crabby, and it would, if it weren't for the fact that only half of my pants currently fit me.
5. There's some chick who looks like Denise Richards visiting the office today, and all the guys are falling over themselves to go to lunch with her, and I'm like, "HEY! I'm the hot chick in this office, and don't you forget it!"
Posted at 11:31 AM | Comments (2)March 02, 2005
Oh, Who Are the People In Your Neighborhood?
Okay, I have to talk about the gay vanity plates that I see every day on the long trek from my car to my office.
BIRDIE
This one is kind of cute. And we must have the same start time (okay, my official time is 7:15, but it’s usually closer to 7:25 when I roll in) because I often park next to her. I assume it’s a her because it would be BIRDY if it was a him, right? It’s kind of comforting to always park by the same person. Like, “Oh! Good morning, Birdie!” Because that’s the kind of relationship I enjoy – the kind I can have with inanimate objects without the capacity to piss me off..
KC FAN
Um, what does KC stand for? Is this some college sports thing I’m unaware of? Or did “N THE SUNSHN BND” just not fit on the plate? I think, if you’re going to have a vanity plate this unclear, you need to surround it with clarifying bumper stickers. “Go Kansas Corn-Detasslers!”
MS HOBO
Okay, hobos wear patchy clothes and ride trains and fight with dogs for garbage, right? I don’t think they drive Infinities. With fuzzy steering wheel covers. And if you’re married to one? That’s probably not something you want to advertise. Or apparently she just divorced a hobo and kept his car and his name?
GO CMPN
I’m assuming “Go Camping,” right? That makes sense. Which is nice. Camping is nice, if you’re into bugs and weather and that sort of thing. But the more I think about it, the more I don’t like it’s commanding quality. “GO! CAMPING!” Hey! Don’t tell me what to do! YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!
RUN DMC
*siiiiiigh* Excuse me, sir? 1984 called and wants its license plate back. Seriously, why renew this every year? Why pay the money for… gah. I’m so disappointed by this, I can’t even muster up a good rant. I mean, RUN DMC? God. It’s just so pathetic.
They’re the people that you meet, when you’re walkin’ down the street – they’re the people that you meet each daaaaaaaay!
January 18, 2005
Christmas Prezzies!
Awesome Gifts I Got
1. The third season of Xena on DVD! Woo-hoo!!!!!
2. A pink and white neon sign that says "I {heart} dick" (from Younger Sister, that rascal).
3. Yet another black, zip-up hoodie. Kick-ass.
4. A Barbie calendar, from my mother-in-law, God bless her. Probably incredulous, "And this is for my daughter-in-law, not my granddaughter..."
5. Four filet mignon from Omaha Steaks.
Awesome Gifts I Gave
1. 2005 Spike Calendar, and now I have to listen to sexually explicit details from Older Sister about what she wants to do to him, or did to him last night in her dreams. Ew, ew, EW!
2. A DVD player for Dad, so now he never has to leave the basement.
3. Book "The History of Sex" to Heather. Pure awesome for two reasons. One, she does all her reading on the train. Two, I think she's in a couple of the chapters.
4. To Boy Child, toy hammer that lights up and makes noises when you hit something with it. It rewards him for hitting things! Mwah ha ha ha ha!
5. Purification-scented Jesus air-freshener for Mom's car. Dad got a bobble-head Jesus for his dashboard.
[Hmmm. I guess the alternate title for Awesome Gifts I Gave would be Five More Reasons I Have a Suite Waiting For Me In Hell. Ah, well.]
January 03, 2005
Things I Regret Doing in 2004
1. Listening to Britney and the Backstreet Boys, and buying Britney's greatest hits and Backstreet's video collection for Sister for Christmas.
2. Trying to make "It's Koooool and the Gang, baby" my own personal saying.
3. Buying faux-sheepskin-lined pink clogs.
4. Going yet another summer without a tan.
5. Dressing my Barbies seasonally.
6. Baking approximately 1 batch of cookies every 10-12 days.
7. Watching "Fellowship of the Ring," "The Two Towers" and "Return of the King" so many freakin' times that they have become hilarious and I can't help but amuse myself with MST3K-esque comments.
8. Resisting the urge to buy the painted pink, sequined "Diva" plaque at Target and hanging it in my cubicle.
9. Teaching Husband that farting and burping are okay and perfectly natural.
10. Resorting to lists and other cheap tactics when I'm too tired to blog creatively.
Of course, that's not to say I won't do any of these things in 2005. I mean, c'mon. I'm not made of stone, ya know!
Posted at 10:50 PM | Comments (0)December 30, 2004
My Boring-Ass Year In Review
You'll notice some numbers are missing. I just didn't have answers for them.
1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before? Started a workout program and kept it up for more than three days.
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don't do new year's resolutions. Too much pressure.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? If anyone had given birth close to me, I'd be too grossed out to type. Ha ha ha ha! Okay, seriously, no.
4. Did anyone close to you die? Luckily, no.
5. What countries did you visit? Is Omaha, NE, a different country? Cuz that's about as far as I got.
6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004? Infinite patience with my step-daughter(s).
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? My two-year anniversary. Seriously, you throw a curmudgeony hermit like me into a new family situation with a Type-A personality and two female hormone bombs, and there were times I thought we wouldn't make it.
9. What was your biggest failure? Gaining more weight.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Nothing major. Just some tendonitis in my ankle, which allowed me to wear comfy gym shoes to work for a month, which was awesome!
11. What was the best thing you bought? A Dyson vacuum cleaner. I cannot believe the dog hair and crap it sucked outta my carpet. If my house was burning down, I would run in and save my Dyson.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Older step-daughter, Ophelia. Although she still dresses like a lap-dancer, she really straightened out her act and is well on her way to being a delightful, independent young adult.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? The people who wailed and tore their hair out and ate ashes after the election. We're never going to have a perfect system or a perfect president. Power corrupts everyone. We should live our lives as best we can regardless of who is in the Oval Office.
14. Where did most of your money go? I have no clue. Probably gasoline, going back and forth to Sister's and Door County.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? The promise that, some day, I will be published!
16. What song will always remind you of 2004? "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy" by Big & Rich. Thanks, Egrau!
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Way, waaaaaaaay happier.
b) thinner or fatter? Fatter, dammit.
c) richer or poorer? Richer, in so many ways.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Sex. Our damn schedules are so crazy.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Eating.
20. How will you be spending Christmas? Christmas Eve, just my immediate family, with spouses and kids, at my Mom's, who is an awesome cook. Christmas Day, younger Sister's for a very casual get-together, so she's not stuck alone with her in-laws (seriously, I could write a book on those people). After that, it's off to Indiana for a belated, no doubt insanely crowded and hectic Christmas with Husband's family.
21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with? Probably PJ. We call each other for the stupidest reasons, like snow, the promise of snow, and the betrayal of no snow.
22. Did you fall in love in 2004? Actually, yeah. With Husband. All over again. That guy sure puts up with some shit.
23. How many one-night stands? What am I -- 23 again?
24. What was your favorite TV program? "LOST"
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Hate is an awfully strong word. And yet perfectly fitting for Paris Hilton.
26. What was the best book you read this year? "The Red Tent" by Anita Diamant. Thanks again, Egrau!
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Liz Phair.
29. What did you want and not get? Bruce Campbell. On a pony.
30. What was your favorite film of this year? "Kill Bill 2"
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Turned 35. Pizza and angel food cake with chocolate frosting with the family, so they could shower me with presents. Have I mentioned that I really like presents?
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? If Husband's work issues had been taken care of a lot quicker. It made for a grumpy Hubby and not much time together.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004? You can never have too many zip-up hoodies.
34. What kept you sane? Discovering that I don't have to be the perfect step-mom, over lunches with fellow-step-mom, K.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Bruce Campbell will always reign supreme, but Dominic Monaghan (i.e. Merry/Charlie) joined the running.
36. What political issue stirred you the most? Anything involving our soldiers overseas. Although the only one I know personally is now home safe and sound, I remember the worry and continue to pray for them all, and their families.
37. Who did you miss? Li'l Natalie, as she is away in New York, following her dream and becoming a big star, whose coattails I totally intend to ride.
38. Who was the best new person you met? Lucy.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004: You have way more control over your own life than you think. Actually, I always knew this; it was just reinforced.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "Well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool by making his world a little colder."
Until Monday! Adieu!
Posted at 01:50 PM | Comments (0)December 09, 2004
Things I'm Too Embarrassed To Put On My Christmas List But I Still Want So Just Sue Me, Okay?
1. These little tiny chairs from Pottery Barn. And no, they're not for Barbie. They're way too nice for Barbie. All Barbie's furniture is inflatable and/or covered in faux fur.
2. Hard Rock Café Barbie #1. Oh my God -- the flames, the Farrah hair, the studded collar, the J Lo shades! She's so tacky! She must be mine. But a bunch of assholes bought them all up and are now raping people for $200+ on eBay for them. Fuckers. I’d also settle for Hard Rock Barbie #2, who isn’t going for quite as much,...yet.
3. Britney's Greatest Hits. Look, I'm sorry, okay? I can't apologize enough for this sin against humanity. But her songs... they're just so fucking catchy!
December 03, 2004
Five Questions
Memething from Hygelak the Dread
How this meme works:
1. Leave a comment, saying you want to be interviewed.
2. I will respond; I'll ask you five questions.
3. You'll update your journal with my five questions, and your five answers.
4. You'll include this explanation.
5. You'll ask other people five questions when they want to be interviewed.
1) Did you ever go to college, and if so, for what? If not, why, and if you had, what would you have studied? Went to college for about 2 years. Community college, as I have no tolerance for dorm life. Nights, as I was working full time to afford an apartment with asshole boyfriend who screwed me over, leaving no more money for college. I majored in English, hoping to be a writer of some sort. Also developed an interest in anthropology, so I may have pursued that academically, too, had I not been attracted to a life-sucking psychopath.
2) What would be your perfect man (other than your husband), and why? Tall, dark and handsome. Very tall, but not too handsome. Older. Sarcastic, wry wit. Able to take it as well as dish it out. Bit of a dark side. Willing to take my crap to an extent but not get walked all over. Independent, able to make decisions. Able to build/fix just about anything. And I've just horrifyingly realized that I've described my father, so I'll have to add PASSIONATE, OPEN-MINDED AND TALKATIVE in order to differentiate. Oh, and he must believe I'm the coolest, most amazing woman ever. Natch'.
3) What is the funniest encounter you have ever had with John Kovalic, and how does that compare with the funniest thing that has ever happened in your life? How do I narrow it down? Our encounters get funnier as we get to know each other better. The time we played Pirates of the Spanish Main at O'Hare's International Terminal was surreally amusing. There was no hilarious slapstick, just good laughs. There was also the incident with John, a 1st Grenadier Guard, a camera, and four drunken wenches, but the Restraining Order is pretty specific about me not talking about it. And like John, all my friends are freakin' whackos, so I can't really narrow anything down to "Funniest Thing In My Life." I guess I'm blessed that way. Either that, or I'm just easily amused.
4) What do you realistically *want* to do with the rest of your life, and how do you think it will compare with what will *actually* happen in the rest of your life, and why? Husband and I have a 10-year plan (which we're now, in theory, 2.5 years into) to buy some wooded acreage up north, build a timberframe home and live like the Amish. If the Amish had TiVo and DSL and non-procreative sex. And if it doesn't actually happen, I'll make him pay for it for the rest of his life. Cuz I have that power.
5) What is your favorite personal stalker story (whether on the giving or receiving end)? Oh ho hooooooo. You have some mind-reading abilities, my friend. I have one that is a whole blog entry unto itself. I'll post it Monday. Stay tuned! Same bat time, same bat channel!
Posted at 11:23 AM | Comments (0)November 17, 2004
Ten Guidelines for Pissin' Me Off
In no particular order:
1. When ordering in a restaurant, don't make eye contact and be sure to say, "Gimme."
2. Call in the middle of "America's Next Top Model."
3. Get in front of me in the far left lane and do 60 mph.
4. Call me "just a secretary."
5. Agree to do me a favor, and then bitch about it the whole time.
6. Make me look at vacation photos of people I don't know.
7. Tell me all about the diet you're on. No, really. List for me everything you're not eating.
8. Be late and don't call.
9. Talk to me when you're in the basement and I'm in the bedroom.
10. When in a public place, just stand there in the doorway/bottom of the escalator/middle of the hall, because you are, of course, a hologram, and we can just walk through you.
Posted at 08:36 AM | Comments (0)November 04, 2004
Reasons Why Today Kicks Ass
1. Those chewy Christmas mints are in stores once again, and I bought two bags.
2. I am the proud owner of the Galadriel Barbie, and GiGi will call me as soon as Legolas comes in.
3. I took yesterday off work and got 2/3 of my notebook-paper-length To Do list done.
4. I still have a couple more birthday prezzies to look forward to this weekend.
5. Something so ginormously important has flitted into The Realm of Possibility for me, that I can't even write about it here, lest I jinx it. But believe me, if it comes through, not only will I let you know, but you will die of the when-the-hell-is-she-going-to-shut-up-about-it-already! In the meantime, I'm just trying to avoid a stroke by making small talk. So, who else is going to Dorkstock on Sunday?
September 24, 2004
Decreasing Work Productivity
Well, my little minions, I have to take a short leave-of-absence from my blog. The Barbies told me so. No, seriously, it's a work thing. I'll be incommunicado until Thursday. Please, don't cry; it'll only make it more difficult. In the meantime, you may waste your employers' money with the following:
Dork Tower
**FLAGRANT NAME-DROPPING ALERT John Kovalic is a close, personal friend (read: pseudo-lover) of mine, and he makes his living drawing cartoons. How cool do you have to be to pull that off? The answer is here, my friends.
Seanbaby
He's sexy and arrogant and sarcastic! He's Blondie's Perfect Man Trifecta! (Second only to Bruce Campbell, of course.) His piece on homemade fireworks made me piss my pants. Check out his Photo Album, too, and then tell me you don't want to be his bitch.
Book of Ratings
He's just like you and me -- finding amusement in the pointless -- only his opinions are funny.
House of Wigs
Oh, if only I could blog the way he blogs. How I envy him. However, I have much better grammatical skills. So there. I take my victories where I can get them.
Catch you on the flip side, Cats and Kittens.
August 31, 2004
List of Five: The Crossover Edition
Okay, I'm not a lesbian; I am, however, capable of appreciating women aesthetically. So in the spirit of fairness (and taking male friends to their Happy Place momentarily), I thought I should list the five women I wouldn't kick outta my bed for eating crackers.
Lucy Lawless: A.k.a. Xena. I also wouldn't kick her outta my bed for spanking me with her chakram.
Milla Jovovich: Sure, you think she's just another pretty face, judging by the bajillions of magazines and ads she's been in. But she's also a darn good actress, as demonstrated by the power and vulnerability she shows in both "The Fifth Element" and "Messenger". There's so many elements, to this woman, I could go on and on and on…
Drew Barrymore: Ooooh, who can resist the combination of classic beauty and freak?
Eliza Dushku: I have Faith that she's not really a bimbo. She's nasty, in the best possible sense of the word.
Liv Tyler: Okay, she's ridiculously, ethereally beautiful. But doesn't she seem just a little bit goofy, like the kinda gal you could totally pal around with? Have over for manicures and movies, have some wine, put on your pajamas, cuddle up on the futon ... have to go now...
(And as a bonus, here's My Happy Place.)
August 27, 2004
List of Five
So, everyone knows about The List, right? The list of famous people you get to have sex with, should the opportunity arise, and your significant other/spousal unit can't get mad at you or divorce you or whatever.
I was talking about this with John because I'm concerned for him. His picks are all retrocessional, i.e. Audrie Hepburn circa 1950, so he has 0% chance of ever fulfilling his dreams. (As opposed to the 0.000000000000001% chance the rest of us have.)
For the sake of discussion, or mocking me openly, here are my Five:
Bruce Campbell: He has topped my list for the past 15 years, despite the restraining order. (I'm kidding! Sheesh.) From the first "Evil Dead", through "Brisco"," to "Bubba Ho Tep", it has been a pleasure to follow his career. And is it just me, or does he keep getting better-looking with age?
Joaquin Phoenix: He can make aliens believable. He can make you pity a power-hungry emperor. He can make you want to swap bodily fluids with a skank, despite the obvious risk of STDs. But it's him as the young, conflicted priest that really gets my panties wet.
Dominic Monaghan: It takes quite a man to take a roll like "Merry the Hobbit" and make it cool. But he did it. Now, my sister would argue that Billy Boyd as Pippin is the sexiest hobbit, but how can you argue with this? This boy is gonna snog you six ways from Sunday and leave you lame and broken. And you'll like it. Cheeky monkey, indeed.
Liam Neeson: Well, goddamn. Need I say more?
Owen Wilson: Doncha just feel like he's the kind of guy you could just hang with? And you'd never stop laughing? He's just a big ol' puddle o' cute! A gunny sack full of puppy-dogs!
Okay, enough of my drooling. I'm embarrassing myself.
(Unfortunately, my friendship with John disqualifies him from my list.)
Posted at 05:12 PM | Comments (0)August 18, 2004
Ten Guidelines for Livin' Well
(In no particular order…)
1. You don't have to be hungry to eat ice cream.
2. If something needs to be done, just shut up and do it.
3. Always say “please” and “thank you.”
4. Tip generously.
5. If it's cold and rainy out, nap.
6. It's okay to be geeky, nerdy and/or uncool.
7. You don't have to answer the phone.
8. Smile at people.
9. Use your turn signal.
10. Be the only one laughing.