September 04, 2008
"The Notorious Fierce Fourteen"
This episode could also be called "The Bane of Uncle Twitchy's Existance." Yes, it's that time of year again. The machine that is "America's Next Top Model" comes to life for Cycle 11 to crank out another nobody who will be yesterday's news before the happy-tears even have time to dry.
A Tribue to Tyra's Limited Vocabulary
1. fierce-tastic
2. fierce-alicious
3. fierce-abulous
4. fierce-icity
5. fierce-acadabra
6. fierce-aful
7. fierce-errific
Enough already.
Thirty-three semi-finalists are in L.A. to be whittled down to fourteen.
Says Hannah from Fairbanks, Alaska, "Alaska is so different from L.A." Hannah's clear grasp of the obvious is, unfortunately, her only good attribute, as she is a homely, little thing.
Oh, holy shit. The Js are in platinum hair and silver jackets. I'm in fag-hag heaven! According to Tyra, the theme of Cycle 11 is The Future. Of which these girls have none. Tease!
The girls don bodysuits and patent leather character shoes, the likes of which Mary Poppins wore. And wore better than these no-class skanks, I might add. We are introduced to the Token Vegan-Lesbian Elina, who looks angry all the time, probably because she can't eat bacon; The Token Mormon; and The Token Asian Sheena, who is the most ghetto Asian chick I've ever seen in my life.
ANTM-tastic Quote: "I know how to have class and be sophisticated."
Miss J judges the girls' walks, all of which are beneath contempt. Then they introduce the girls to The Glaminator, which is a silver outhouse from a cheesy sci-fi movie, and tell them that each girl will go in and come out with a makeover.
ANTM-tastic Quote: "I didn't know they had that technology!"
Suddenly, The Glaminator goes crazy, and -- to the shock and awe of no one, except the 33 nitwits in the room -- out pops Tyra in a Miracle Bra, tap pants, leg warmers and a silk shrug. Truly boobalicious.
Oh my God. She addresses The Js as Alpha J and Beta Jay. I wonder how Miss J got to be the Alpha? He is clearly The Catcher in that pairing!
We get snippets of the girls interviewing in front of Tyra and The Js. One girl (I forget who) brings her lucky panties. Dear God, I hope she washed them. Analeigh was accidentally sold to a Saudi prince, but was rescued or something. And one can see how that happened cuz she's dumb as a baggie of fingernail clippings.
Says Clark, "I'll manipulate a girl with no problem if it gets me what I want." I guess The Token Girl Who Everyone Hates is white this year. And then she claims to be "strong." Because Total Fucking Bitch = Strong. Of course.
Marjorie is from Marsailles, France, but I love her despite her being a stinky frog. She's so cute! She reminds me of Audrey Tautou from that movie "Le Fabuleux destin d'Amelie Poulain."
The Token Mormon's parents checked her into a lockdown facility as a teenager when they discovered that she was having sex with her then-boyfriend. I wish I could remember which one she is!
Isis was in the "homeless shoot" from last season as one of the background runaways. She was "born in the wrong body" and is a pre-op tranny. But I'm not even going to mock her because she's less tranny than other girls I've seen on this show. Including half of the judges' panel.
Okay, maybe just once -- Guy-sis! Hee!
The girls all grill Isis and then spread the word amongst the others.
Sheena is from Harlem. Tyra thinks she's another Kimora Lee Simmons, in looks and attitude. God help us.
Lindsey is a plus-size model, but Tyra says she's not big enough. Man, I'd love to have Lindsey's problems. "Honey, you're gorgeous and perfectly-proportioned, but there's just not enough cake in your diet."
Hannah didn't have electricity or running water, growing up in Alaska. Isn't that child abuse?
Nikeysha has auditioned for ANTM over 30 times. She'd go to three different casting calls for each season. Or wait -- was that Joslyn? Oh, who cares.
Elina, the Lezzie-Veggie, dresses in only black and only wears pants. She doesn't like her clothing to be gender-specific. Oh great. She's fun. Gee, do you think modeling is going to entail wearing any gender-specific clothing? Can't we get Kim back, that cute lesbian from a couple seasons ago?
Whitney's Cover Girl commercial! She looks amazing! And I think they upped the production value because this one isn't as cheesey as the commercials with past winners. Husband comes out of his office to drool because he luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuvs himself some booty-licious blonde!
And speaking of commercials, I'd like to go on record -- and I think I speak for everyone here when I say -- 90210 did NOT define my generation.
One of the girls pulls a cutlet out of her bra and throws it at Tyra. Miss J wears it on his head. Yes, class abounds.
The English Lit major from Harvard has read fewer books than Tyra.
The Js are now in hot pink spandex tops. They are faggo-rific! And silver pants! Hee! While the girls put on metallic cobalt blue catsuits for a photoshoot with big, silver balls.
After the photoshoot, they are whittled down to the final fourteen: Sheena the Ghetto Asian, Analeigh the Saudi Purchase, Nikeysha, Marjorie the Frog, Lauren Brie the Alien, Brittney the African-American-Native-American, McKey the Martial Artist (was she also Token Mormon?), Sharaun of the Lucky Panties (that's the one), Hannah Plain and Tall, Isis, Clark TTGWEH, Samantha the Unremarkable, Elina the LezVeg, and Joslyn.
The girls take a bus to their new crib, and some take a dip on the pool.
ANTM-tastic Quote: "The magic of tape!" -- Isis
Some of the girls are being really sweet to Isis, but Clark is off talking smack about her to Hannah, who says that there are no trannies in Alaska. I am so tired of hearing about what Alaska doesn't have.
Did I mention that the season premiere is a two-hour show? Well, it is. More tomorrow, bitches!
Posted at 11:43 AM | Comments (2)August 27, 2008
Parts 'n' Hooters
Ah, my minions. Much has happened in the 843 days since my last post. We're almost done building the mission church, and BoBo's cubs are all healthy and growing fast.
Enh, who cares about that shit. America's Next Top Model Season 11 starts next week Wednesday! Here's a fun game to play:
Remember that old Sesame Street song? "One of these things is not like the others; One of these things just doesn't belong!" Look through the photos of the new meat and guess which one of them used to have meat!
That's right, models! Now Tyra isn't the only she-male on the show! There's a transsexual in the bunch!
Not sure of the difference between a transvestite and a transsexual? Well, a transvestite is a person who dresses up as the opposite sex, but keeps all their parts and may or may not be gay. A transsexual is someone who gets their original parts surgically replaced with the opposite parts. And I'm not talking about McNuggets here, folks!
(Or wait. Am I...?)
Who said my blog is for entertainment purposes only? We learned something today, boys and girls!
Anyhoo, this means I'm going to have to renew my commitment to blogging recaps of the ANTM episodes. That's gonna be hard, what with me working an excruciating 24 hours a week now!
And speaking of work, there's been more fall-out from The Hooters Incident, as it has come to be known. I brought baked goods to work today, of which Official Title partook.
And then. After eating the fruit of my labor. He dared to ask Rose, "Did Wenchie really work at Hooters?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And the bitch was laughing so hard, she didn't even correct him!
OH!!! MY!!! GOD!!!
I can see that this is going to take more than cookies to correct. I may have to bake a big cake. And then jump out of it.
Posted at 07:23 PM | Comments (4)May 15, 2008
"And the Winner Is..."
This finale of "America's Next Top Model" brought to you by Sue, who TiVoed it for me because I had Movie Night at my house Wednesday night and couldn't watch or tape the episode when it aired.
Previously... well, if you don't know, don't even bother reading this. The remaining three are Whitney, Fatima and Anya.
Or as Tyra would say, effervescent and ethereal Anya, full-figured and amazing Whitney, and strong Fatima who missed a photo shoot.
Anya is excited and believes in herself. After growing up in a shack with no running water, Fatima wants the world to see her as beautiful. (Boy, you'd think, living like that, she would have turned out less... superficial.) Whitney has gotten really close with Anya and wants them to be the Final Two.
Mona Tyra Mail! The girls have to memorize their lines for a Cover Girl commercial. They are all grateful that it'll be in English this time, and so is all of Italy.
Jay greets them in front of the Colusseum. In addition to the Cover Girl mascara commercial, they'll also get a print ad will be will featured in WalMart and on a billboard in Time Square.
Oh, and Saleisha is there.
Anya is teary-eyed with nervousness, and Jay gives her a pep talk, telling her that she "has the look," so all she has to do is be herself. Awwwwwww, I love it when he's sweet. It's so rare.
Whitney tells Saleisha that she's the first plus-sized model to make it this far, and Sal starts to say something nice, but they are interrupted by the disturbing sight of Anya weeping. She doesn't want to fail and really wants to be in the Final Two.
In front of the camera, Jay gives Fatima directions to be conversational. But when she starts saying her lines, she's "just plowing through them." He then calls her "robotic" and "not human." HA!
Whitney is adorable, and Jay eats her up with a side of BBQ sauce. Anya's "wonderful energy" saves her goofy performance because she's so "relatable." And I think the word relatable was used 37 times in this episode.
Then it's time to shoot the will-be print ad. Whitney is fabu. Fatima thinks that she herself is relatable to lots of young women, probably because so many young women are East African refugees. Anya "models from her toes up."
Mona Tyra Mail! Judging! At Panel, Tyra calls them "the top three baddest chicks." It's so cute when Tyra tries to relate to the young people.
Paulina says that Whitney's commercial looks like a "Miss America competition" and she's going to "feed poor orphans" after she wins. But the others say that it's her best photo, and she looks "vintage" and "stellar." Tyra particularly likes that she looks like a model and not some actress that Cover Girl hired to pose. Hmmmm, issues much, Ty-Ty?
Nigel says that if Fatima was "selling toothpaste, she'd be fantastic." Paulina does a robot imitation of her. Tyra instructs her in the famous open-eye-squint that we see her do every season. By now, my dogs can "smile with their eyes."
I wanna hear Anya say "last blast" ten times fast with her weird-ass accent. Tyra says that the commercial is a trainwreck, but when she dissects it, it's the best one: honest, natural and charming. Paulina when accusses her of having "no personality" and looking "stupid."
You know, Paulina is almost as much of a bitch as Janice, but without the pizazz.
Deliberations!
This isn't Anya's best photo, and they think the competition is getting to her. Fatima wants it so badly that it has taken control of her mind. Whitney is amazing, but they feel that she's covering something up.
Nigel will be shooting the "Seventeen" cover that the winner will appear on.
The two finalists, who will walk in a Versace fashion show in gowns hand-picked for them by Donatella (the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?), are...
Anya is called, and Whitney and Fatima both start crying. Whitney is stunning, "but who is Whitney?" Fatima gives great face, but modeling is also about taking direction. Tyra calls WHITNEY because of her potential.
Fatima thanks Tyra, who tells her that she is "more than her story." Whatever that means. Fatima "feels new" and wants to start her life all over again.
Anya says that Whitney's fear and crying was beautiful. Whitney says that she grew up with mean girls and their backhanded compliments. "You're not really that fat..."
Nigel shoots the girls' cover shots for "Seventeen"'s July cover. It's all jeans and t-shirts and red, white and blue. We get an adorable montage.
The Versace fashion show is in a big church, where Jay is going for an Imperial Roman feel, with Saleisha and male "eye candy."
Whitney bemoans the fact that she has "been on the chopping block" four times, while Anya never has. Sutan reminds her that she's the "first juicy beauty" to make it this far.
The show starts, and Jay encourages them to "stomp it to the death." The judges make their entrace via the runway. Miss J is wearing, some sort of gold tiara that Roman women used to wear. Paulina is in leopard print. Tyra is... just friggin' HOTT. I'll bet she's wearing Versace.
Out of the gate, Anya is perfect, and there's only one word for Whitney -- BOO-YAH! Next pass, Whitney is wearing some hot pink gown that's short in the front and long in the back. It's very Barbie. Anya is in a silver gown with butt-cleavage and having trouble walking.
Panel! There's no guest judge. Not even Jay. Which is a travesty.
Seeing Anya on the runway, the judges are surprised that she wasn't as strong as they thought she'd be. Whitney delivered. "BAM!" Tyra had a flashback to... herself, of course. But Whitney didn't pose at the end of the runway.
As they look at the girls' portfolios, I can't help but notice that Paulina is wearing a tiara and a bun, which makes her look like an aged ballerina. Gag.
Deliberations!
Whitney: "Power," "energy," "alive," "presence," "ham," "juicy," "stuck." Juicy ham? Were they deliberating or ordering lunch?
Anya: "Weak," "fell apart," "good angles," "energy."
Anya is more interesting, but Whitney is prettier. Nigel says, "Whitney's the one you want to take to bed, but Anya is the one you'll buy a dress from."
The girls come back, and Tyra calls...
WHITNEY!
Holy shit! I can't believe it! I thought for sure Anya would win! I think it was planned all along because Tyra got tired of taking photos with the skinny bitches.
Anya says that she will have a good cry but she's so proud of herself.
Whitney says that she hated being judged as a kid, so she wants other women to "feel good about themselves and know that they don't have to starve."
And now, I'm going to have a ham sammich.
Posted at 05:02 PM | Comments (3)May 09, 2008
"Ready for My Close-Up"
Previously on "America's Next Top Model," fuzzy hair photo shoot, pussy gladiators, and Kat went home despite being prettier than all the other girls.
Hee! I wrote "pussy gladiators." And I totally meant pussy as an adjective, as in weak and lame, but as a noun, "Pussy Gladiators" sounds like the BEST! PORNO! EVER!
Oh, wait. They already made that. It's called "Xena Warrior Princess."
Okay, focus, Wenchie. You have a recap to write. Whitney, Dominick, Anya and Fatima are left. God help us all. Oh, how I miss Marvita. If Whitney goes home this time, I will cry. And Husband will lose his faith in God.
Whitney has been in the bottom two for two weeks in a row. She is totally stunned that she wasn't sent home last week. She knows she has to be more natural (or perhaps au natural?), but whatever happens, she's glad to be getting the word out about plus sized models. What word? Cheetos?
Anya's not stressing. She just wants to do her best. And world peace. And to bake a chocolate chip cookie for everyone in the world. Does she have a moustache? I think she does.
They come home to find photos of Saliesha plastered all over their house. That's creepy, people coming in and doing shit while they're not home. Also? What's the point?
Dom says that she's "the Saliesha of this competition." Whatev. Go tuck in your junk, tranny.
Fatima is surprised that Dom has made it this far in the competition, and for once, Fatima and I are on the same page. I hope that never happens again. It makes me feel dirty. Whitney agrees and says that Dom is always eating. Oh, PLEASE, God, let Dom have bulimia! I still have ANTM Blue Balls from the Elise-is-too-skinny plot that went nowhere.
Dom thinks she's the most improved, and all the judges agree in a series of flashbacks. Anya keeps winning challenges and is impressed with herself. Fatima wants to win one.
Mona Tyra Mail! Take a picture, you might last longer. Um... isn't that pretty much the whole point?
The girls are taken to a woodsy park, where Paulina is being photographed by some guy who is apparently a big-wig in the modeling world. He's going to teach them the fundamentals of photography so they have a better understanding of modeling. Don't forget to remove the lens cap, Anya!
The girls are given a camera and set loose to take photos of one another. Whitney enjoys seeing "what the other girls' weaknesses are." God, I love her. For some reason, Fatima calls Dom "disrespectful," which is a clear-cut case of The Pot and The Kettle.
For the challenge, the girls will photograph Paulina and will be judged on their photography skills. The winner gets 50 extra frames in the next shoot. Each girl gets 5 minutes to take a great photo.
Anya thinks that Fatima does really well. See? She's a nice girl. I'm surprised the rest of them haven't eaten her, yet. Paulina says of Fatima, "I felt like she was leading me by the hand, and I wanted to take the trip." Hmm. Paulina's been reading too many bodice-rippers.
Paulina wishes for more direction from Dom, who keeps saying, "Hot! Hot!" in a bad Austin Powers impression.
Whitney thinks that she explained her shots and communicated her vision well, and even Dom agrees. Paulina says that Whitney is fun and never hesitates.
Anya is all over the place. She has Paulina throwing leaves in the air and running and jumping and inspecting leaves. Anya totally has ADHD. Paulina kindly says that "Anya needs to narrow her focus a bit." Anya gives direction a la, "You're a fierce tiger!" Hee!
Critiques! Whit had a firm hand (oooooh!) and made sure Paulina had great light. Anya had crazy ideas, only some of which worked well. Fatima gave Paulina the most options. Dom's composition produced "lot of cactus hats" (i.e. Paulina standing in front of plants).
Fatima is the winner. Damn. Her first challenge win. Now she'll be impossible to live with.
Back at the house, Fatima is practicing her runway walk, while Dom tells the other two that Fatima doesn't have anything on her. Whitney and Anya roll their eyes.
Mona Tyra Mail! Something about out for blood, a taste of fame. From this, the girls deduce that they'll be posing with guys for the next shoot. Well, they're right, but I have no idea how they came to that conclusion.
The girls have a night shoot, and Jay explains the theme. The girls will be 50s-esque movie stars with their sexy male arm candy, running from the papparazzi. Nigel will be their photographer, and we are reminded that Fatima gets 50 extra frames.
Okay, why can't we see more of Sutan, the stylist? He's so awesome and funny. We need more of him. I'll be making t-shirts. MORE SUTAN!
Nigel tells them that they will be acting, not just posing. Fatima has never had a boyfriend so she "can't be sexy around guys." Or at all, really.
Jay wants Anya to be "effortless," but he had to distract her in order to get a good photo. Look, Anya, something shiney!
Fatima is glad she has 50 extra frames for her shoot. Jay says, "Yeah, she might need them." Fatima keeps looking away from the camera. She probably keeps forgetting that she does show up on film. And in mirrors, even!
Whitney's up next. Too posey, too posey, too posey. Jay rolls his eyes and tells her to interact with her man-candy. And then he says, "Oh, your booty looks great!" Which one of them was he talking to? Whitney confesses, "I don't feel like it was my best shoot. But I looked really pretty!" Awwwwwwww, sure you did, honey.
All Jay can say about Dom is that she took "a few steps back."
Then he says, "Y'all need to go back and bring the spirits back in. It didn't come to set today for anybody." Ooooh, seance! I'll get the candles!
Back at the ranch, Anya is bummed, and all the girls are stressed. It's pretty much up-for-grabs who could be going home. Even Dom is blissfully silent.
Panel! What is with Miss J's glitter eyebrows? Seriously. Did he burn his off in a home-perm accident or something?
Anya is in a mini skirt, and her legs are FABULOUSLY long! She looks like Madonna in her photo, what with the red lips, dark eyebrows and platinum hair. Who's that girl? Tyra thinks it's the best photo of her, but Nigel reminds them that it was an accident. Paulina adds that she's not focused but very fresh and energetic.
Whitney is "gorgeous but stiff." She found it hard to get into character. She wasn't acting, just modeling.
Dom is sporting another terrible outfit. Her photo is so tranny that there's an audible gasp from the panel when it comes on screen. Paulina says, "This is a transvestite. I'm sorry." I don't really think she's sorry.
Fatima looks too pretty, like a Cover Girl, but not like a surprised movie star.
The Cover Girl of the Week is Whitney! YAY!
Deliberations!
Anya lucked into her photo because she naturally "oozes glamour." Tyra says she has "eyes like a kitty cat." And I'm immediately transported to Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman's scene with Vince Vaughn in "Wedding Crashers."
Fatima is so beautiful, but "the idea of the photo has escaped her." The Panel also doesn't like the way she talks over everyone and can't take criticism or direction. Nigel calls her "snooty." Said the Pot to the Kettle!
Whitney's photo is stunning. The guest judge from Seventeen says that Whitney has to "own her sexiness." Which goes against EVERYTHING the other judges have been telling her for two months.
For Dom, Miss J does his best tranny-voice and says, "Cover Girl covers up the man in you!"
Tyra calls... Anya and Whitney! WHOO-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! That means the bitches are in the bottom two! This can only end for the betterment of humanity!
Tyra tells Fatima that she's there because she won 50 extra frames, and her photo still sucks. And? She doesn't listen. Dom's photo was "too strong," which is code for TRANNY.
The photo Tyra has left in her hand is Fatima's because I guess a snooty, stupid girl is better than a girl who isn't a girl at all. Fatima apologizes to Tyra and is totally freaked and crying. Let's hope she has learned a bit of humility.
Dom goes home all smiles talking about "an amazing opportunity" and "a blessing." Then she talks about herself in the third person and says, "Life goes on for Dom." Oh, how I hate that.
Next episode: FINALE!!! There's a high-stress Cover Girl mascara commercial for the final three, and a high-fashion runway show for the final two. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Posted at 04:12 PM | Comments (0)May 03, 2008
"We Are Spartans!"
Dude. The long-turned-to-ash bones of the 300 just collectively rolled over in their hastily-dug graves. C'mon. My mom is more of a Spartan than these biotches.
This is the description for this episode of "America's Next Top Model:"
The models train like gladiators for a challenge and the winner receives a shopping spree in Rome; and Tyra directs the photo shoot in a Roman castle.
Why do these losers get to live my ideal life while I have garage sales and deliver lunches to shut-ins?! It's not FAIR! Someone's going to have to dress-up like a gladiator with me and take pictures. I need more rich friends. I have no castle access. This sucks.
Fine, I'll quit bitching and do the damn recap.
But not before I show you this photo of Tyra, Jaslene and Claire. Doesn't it look like Claire could fit Jaslene's entire head in her mouth? And why is loser Claire allowed to hang around with Tyra and Jaslene? Shouldn't she be off breast-feeding her baby?
You know what's really fun? Go to The Superficial and do a search on Tyra Banks. There is a whole world of crazy there! And then do Janice Dickinson! INSANITY!
Okay, I'm recapping this time for reals.
Previously on ANTM, Fatima got sick, the girls sickened everyone with their Italian commercials, but Lauren made us the most sick and went home.
Whitney makes the excuse that she comes across fake because she's nervous.
Fatima, on the other hand, claims to be "a natural" and "improving," which "bothers the other girls." She also says that the judges were "dead on" when they said that Kat has no personality, and she adds that Kat "should be an accountant."
Suddenly, Whitney's fakeness doesn't seem so bad...
Mona Tyra Mail! Something about "fight with the masses so you can pose with the classes." No idea what that means. She should stop with the rhyming. Her normally inarticulate sentences make even less sense when she tries to be clever.
The girls go to some ancient ruins where there are gladiators battling. One is a female gladiator, and I suddenly feel dainty and willowy. Fatima is scared, but Whitney is like, "Awesome!" See? This is why I love her, fakeness and all.
The fighters are from the Gladiator School of Rome. Holy. Fucking. Shit. That is the coolest thing I have ever heard of! It's so cool, I've lost my mind and am putting prepositions at the end of sentences!
Dom says she hopes she gets to battle Whitney. And then she's all, "Kidding! I have nothing against her." Boy. Talk about fake.
The girls go change into their outfits, which I'm sure Miss J picked out for them. They're totally Red Sonia. (Which, by the way, there is a remake of in progress, and if there is a God, Milla Jojovich will play the title role.)
The girls faux-fight and learn some stuff. Jay is all, "Be strong! More attitude!" These are the wussiest girls ever. I've seen red-shirts on the original Star Trek show more moxie than these yabbos.
To the surprise of no one... except the girls, they will be doing a photo shoot RIGHT THEN! Doing fighting poses with a huge gladiator. Each girl only gets five shots.
Whitney is HOTT, holy crap. Dom quips that Whitney "looks like Xena's sidekick." Okay, first of all, I wish Gabrielle were here to hear Dom call her a "sidekick." She would so deliver the smackdown on Dom. Secondly, no. Whitney does not look like Gabrielle. Case closed.
Fatima is afraid of the gladiator guy because... this is an actual fight to the death in an uncontrolled environment with a real trained killer? Or something? She's wearing a metal breastplate, but it kind of loses its appeal when there's nothing to put in it. She keeps doing the same crappy pose over and over, and even when Jay warns her to do something different on her last frame, she doesn't. So she sucks.
Dom decides to stand out from the pack by... posing like a ballerina. It's the gayest thing I've ever seen. Even Jay is nonplussed.
And then Whitney coins the term "gladiatrix," cementing my undying love for her. Don't be jealous.
Anya does all the poses and moves she was taught by the gladiators, like a good, little girl. Kat looks "weak." Whitney does awesome and is "unafraid." Fatima forgets that the camera actually needs to see her body. Dom looks pretty (according to Jay, not me) but forgets about the action.
The girl with the best photo gets 1,000 euros (approx. $1,556) to go on a shopping spree in Rome. Whitney wins! YAY!!! Jay tells her she can go alone and use all the money herself, or she can bring a friend and share. So Whitney brings Anya! They're so cute! They come home with TONS of bags and even remembered to bring some sour grapes for the other girls.
Mona Tyra Mail! Something about "a thing of the past." They're going to experience Tyra's modeling career? No, they're going to pose in a 600 year old castle, but it's not like Camelot or anything. Looks like it could be pretty much any fancy house.
The vision for the shoot is "a modern interpretation of the Renaissance." I want the girls to spell Renaissance. That should be their challenge.
Tyra walks in with her camera and announces, "Mama's in charge!" God, I hate it when she calls herself Mama. It's so creepy. Can't she just collect dolls or adopt abandoned cats to fulfill that urge?
The girls are worried about impressing Tyra because they know that all the other judges on the Panel are just for show.
Kat goes first, and Tyra keeps telling her that she wants "exaggerated poses with elongated limbs." But Kat keeps doing "Walk Like an Egyptian." Way to impress, Kat!
The first thing Tyra tells Dom is, "Don't be Cruella DeVille." HA! You know, if that's Tyra's reaction right outta the gate, why the hell is Dom still in this competition? Dom does basically the same poses that Kat did, only Tyra loves it. Wait. Is Tyra sleeping with Dom?
Dom comes back to the holding pen from her shoot and is all about verbally patting herself on the back. The other girls ignore her and roll their eyes.
I notice that Tyra and Jay are in the same shot alot, critiquing the girls together. I don't think I've ever seen that before, so I assume it's to dispell the rumors that they are fighting and Jay might leave the show.
Fatima says, "So Dom can pose. Am I worried? Not at all." She does great and earns the compliment "prima ballerina" from Tyra. Anya, too, gives good poses and understands angles.
Mona Tyra Mail! Panel. One of these bitches is going home. Please, God, let it be Dominick or Fatima. Tyra welcomes them all into the room with "Bon soir!" Opps. Wrong country, Tyra. Sue says that Tyra is Pentecostal, and we need to pause the TiVo so I can stop laughing.
Anya is "100% Italian vogue." Her film is "stunning," and she doesn't need much direction.
Fatima is so "amazing" and "exquisite" that Paula is jealous of the photo.
Dom shows up to panel in an outfit that Tyra calls a "mall outfit" and "restaurant hostess." Hee! But they think her photo is amazing.
Kat is just "not punching through," and her eyes look "sleepy" because she's thinking instead of flirting with the camera. C'mon, Kat, you can't be a model and think! You should know this by now!
They had a hard time picking a good photo for Whitney because she needs to "loose the hootch." Her photos are all tits and ass and Maxim magazine. And the one where her body looks good, she's staring right into the light and looks demented.
Deliberations!
Anya is fabu and just getting better and better, but that baby-talk voice of hers is a real liability. Whitney is better in person that she is in photos, but at least she's interesting. Which is more than we can say for Dominick.
Dom has great bone structure and looks great in photos, but that's only because she's not smiling, so you can't see the deep, cavernous furrows around her mouth. In person, she looks like a life-long smoker.
Fatima's beauty is "in-friggin'-sane." Kat is using her brain too much and her eyes not enough. And I'll bet you my eBay earnings for April that's the first time she's been accused of that.
Chopping block time! "Mama" calls Fatima, Dom and Anya, leaving Whitney and Kat in the bottom two. Oh, no. NOT WHITNEY!!! Kat has the "coveted Eastern European features" but no personality. Whitney is gorgeous and stunning (and has made it much farther than any other plus-sized model, I might add), but she's kind of "stuck" in her photos.
Tyra calls WHITNEY! Kat blows kisses to the Panel and leaves without crying, making a nice I'm-not-going-to-stop-trying exit speech. Very classy.
Next episode: Dom's true colors come to light (they are smog and sallow), and Nigel takes photos of the girls. Oh, please, let Dom piss him off! I wanna see them scratching each others' eyes out!
I just thought of something. Spartans didn't live in Rome.
Posted at 07:10 PM | Comments (0)April 30, 2008
"The Girl Who Marks Her Territory"
Ew. Nice title. Although -- having watched this particular group of girls for many weeks now -- not very difficult to imagine.
Anyhoo, this recap will not drone on and on like they usually do because I was at Sue's and too busy making catty remarks to her to put much down on paper. Also? There was pizza. Bacon and tomato pizza. And chocolate cake.
Unfortunately, she's not as free with the boob-showing as Heather is, so the evening was just shy of perfect.
Previously, on "America's Next Top Model," the universe collectively lost interest in seeing any of these girls succeed at anything ever. Dominick, Anya, Fatima, Whitney, Kat and Lauren jetted off to Rome.
Dom is looking forward to going to the museums in Rome because they "preserve their old stuff." How appropo. Anya prepares to finally set foot in Rome... and proceeds to fall out of the van. Awesome. Whitney's obsessed with her size and can't stop talking about it. As if we were going to forget that she's the only one with boobies!
Tyra Mail! Oh, Lord. Now Tyra fancies herself the likeness of the Mona Lisa. Save us all. Around the corner is the girls' new home, under the flag of Rome. Well, I hope that's the name of the building they'll be staying in because these sharpies couldn't pick the flag of Rome out of a two-flag line-up with the other flag had the golden arches on it. Their house has fountains and art and a pool and a garden. I hate these bitches.
Fatima gets sick, and sensing her weakness, Dom immediately starts ripping on her. Hee! And then Anya interviews that people only do that kind of thing to "feel better about themselves." Double Hee!
Anya is sleeping in the same bed at Fatima, which is dumb because Fatima probably has some weird African flu that no one here has so we don't know how to treat it. Lauren is being way too loud, way too early. I hope she's making all that noise looking for her hairbrush. God, doesn't she ever brush her hair?
Mona Tyra Mail! Something about "roll," so Anya exclaims, "A river!" The other girls, who have apparently never cracked a book and read the cliche "rolling river," call her "so blonde."
In the piazza, some pimp named Claudio gives them all Segues to tool around Rome on. The see shops of famous designers (pretty much like right here on Michigan Ave.) and some totally staged "examples of Italian fashion."
Some "designer" named Gai Mattiolo is involved in some challenge where the girls have to get an Italian make-over and portray the best embodiment of Italian fashion. I don't know why they bother. Italians should only wear aprons. While cooking me food.
Fatima looks "elegant" but "not fresh." I don't know what they say about Kat. Anya looks "blonde, skinny and fresh." Are those critiques, or just observations? Whitney looks "so American." I'm sure that's an insult. Lauren: "nice legs, bad walk." Anya wins for looking the least American. Whitney is jealous.
Mona Tyra Mail! "Facile, brezza, bella, Cover Girl!" Lauren's all, "I'm so not a Cover Girl." Well, duh.
Here I wrote, "Lauren sleeping on Dom. Jay! Hair blue?" One can only guess.
The girls will be whoring Vibrant Hues Lip Color. And why are there pumpkins in the make-up room? Is it... wait, they don't have Halloween in Italy! What the hell is going on?
In the commercial, the girls must walk, use lipstick and speak Italian -- all at the same time!
Everyone laughs at Anya's attempt. I don't know -- that seems like of unprofessional to me. Kat speaks Italian well but is "dull and lifeless." Dom sounds like she's "speaking Chinese." Lauren is so "awkward" and "hard to watch" that the camera crew is dying laughing. Fatima has the best pronunciation, which is like being the best runner at the Special Olympics. Whitney is "fake" and "not believable."
Mona Tyra Mail! Judging! They look at each girl's commercial in turn.
Tyra tells Fatima that she looks like she's "selling sexual chocolate." I'm sure that means something in Tyra's world. Miss J says, "Chil', I'm scared." Because he doesn't like vaginas.
The other judges think that Whitney is "fake from beginning to end," but Tyra likes it. Which blows my mind because Tyra HATES the beauty queen thing.
Someone calls Anya "a piece of dookie." I think it's Tyra. God, she's just so... STOOOOOOO-PID! Tyra, not Anya. Well, yeah, Anya's commercial is lame, but at least she's a nice person.
Dom looks "hootchified." Hee!
Lauren recieves the well thought out critique, "Hell To The No," from Miss J. Written on a piece of paper. Are all the judges drunk?
Kat is "very Italian," "much better" and "being sexy."
Anya is Cover Girl of the week! Take that, Tyra! The people have spoken!
Deliberations.
Fatima can walk and talk at the same time. Let's elect her President! Of the world! Whitney is fake, fake, fake.
Anya IS already a model, they just can't understand her when she talks. Lauren takes good photos, but she's too damn nervous. And doesn't know how to brush her hair!!! GOD!
Kat does quite well, and in proving that she has a personality, was a total snot at Panel. Dom is no Cover Girl, but they enjoyed her commercial, despite the fact that Miss J insists, "She's a brothah."
Tyra calls the girls up for their photos: Fatima (whom she reprimands that there's no sex in a Cover Girl commercial), Kat, Anya and Dom (whom she calls a mess, but they had fun watching her commercial). Leaving Whitney and Lauren in the bottom two.
Whitney takes good photos, and her commercial wasn't horrifying, but the judges see a "phoneyness." (Which is the wrong spelling, I'm sure, but whatever.) Lauren takes strong photos, but she's dreadful on film, and it seems like she's given up.
Given up BRUSHING HER HAIR, that is!
Tyra calls Whitney and tells her she "better get real."
Lauren goes, and Sue says, "'Bye, Horsie!" I pee laughing on her leather couch. Thank God she has a dog and had some Nature's Miracle handy.
Next week: "Mama's in charge!" And a gladiator shoot. This can only be completely surreal. I'm so excited!
Posted at 11:43 AM | Comments (1)April 17, 2008
"For Those About To Walk, We Salute You"
I have NO ideal what this title has to do with this episode.
Previously on "America's Next Top Model," the girls go on designer go-sees, there's a "wet 'n' wild" photo shoot, and Claire gets sent home for being a one-trick pony.
With seven models left, Whitney is glad that, as a plus-sized model, she's still around, and Lauren has realized that she can do this. Stacy knows that she has to step-up her game.
Fatima and Dominick know that they will be "going abroad" soon, and Fatima confesses that she has lost her travel documents. What an idiot. Who loses important shit like that??? She's not a U.S. citizen and only has her green card, so her lawyer is working on getting her new travel documents.
Wait a minute. If she's not a citizen, how can she be America's Next Top Model? I'm just sayin'.
Fatima cries. Whitney looks completely unmoved. Anya gives Fatima a pep talk.
Paula walks in, and the girls scream. She's there to teach the girls "how to best showcase" themselves, in case they're ever randomly in an interview situation. As if that's not a dead giveaway as to what their next challenge is.
In a roll-playing exercise, Stacy is a complete dipshit. Anya asks about Paula's parents, whom Paula says are dead. Hee! Lauren totally chokes. Kat refills her champagne glass, and Paula says, "Thank you, waitress." Hee! Paula's a bitch!
Paula says that many of the girls responded well (the ones we didn't see, apparently) but that all of them had dead eyes. And Dom babbled.
Later, Whitney has the girls making potato pancakes. Lauren is chopping onions and chops through her thumb nail. Ewwwwwww!
Fatima is on the phone with her lawyer, who says that the consulate says her request for travel documents is "too last-minute." The lawyer is worried that she won't be able to get them.
Back in the kitchen, Lauren is keeping pressure on her wound. I guess she chopped off the top of her thumb, ensuring that she'll never be a hand model. In fact, now she'll have to be like Radar from "M*A*S*H" and always pose hiding her thumb.
Lauren goes to the hospital, and Fatima interviews that Lauren is really strong, so if she's going to the hospital, she must be in a lot of pain. Holy shit. Fatima just said something kinda nice about someone.
Lauren misses the big, tacky, gold box that is mysteriously left on the runway for the girls. In it are a bunch of lemons and limes, and a box from "100% natural 7UP." Weird. The girls are going to some 7UP-sponsored event for Jay Godfrey. I wonder if that's Gilbert's brother?
Whitney is worried that it's "not a plus-sized party," so she'll just have to work extra hard. Jay Godfrey sends a rack of his dresses for the girls to wear, and also some stylists. Man, that almost never happens to me.
At the event, Laura Spencer from "Insider" is working the red carpet. Dom forgets the designer's name. Smooth. Lauren says that she should be America's Next Top Model because she can "kick the shit" out of any of the other girls. Classyyyyyyy.
But Whitney is the best. When asked about the pressure of being a plus-sized model, she replies that "the majority of women in America eat regularly," so she really feels she can represent American women. Brilliant.
But then she blows it inside when she's babbling to Nigel and some other guests about Texas. When she walks away, Nigel goes, "What was that about?" Kinda rude of him to talk about the contestants on his show that way, but he's a wanker, so what can ya do.
Outside, Laura Spencer gives her take on the girls. Anya was "poised in charming." Well, compared to her competition, I guess. Dom commited the cardinal sin of not knowing who she was wearing. Lauren needs to "loose the potty mouth."
Anya wins the challenge and gets to shoot an ad for 7UP 100% natural... au natural. She's covered in foliage for the shot, and 7UP gives her $10,000 for the job. Sweet!
Fatima talks to Stacy about steeling herself for bad news about her travel documents, and says that it's distracting her from the competition. Oh, well! That's what happens when you're an irresponsible moron!
And, people? How did this not come up until now??? I'm positive that a valid passport is a prerequisite for the show, since they always, always, always leave the country. Did she just remember that she lost her papers? Did no one check on that before she was allowed to compete? This is such hooey.
Fatima's lawyer gets her a 9:00 a.m. appointment at the New York consulate. She's so lucky.
Tyra Mail! Pack. The girls assume they are going abroad.
At 5:50 a.m., they are on their way to the airport. Fatima is very worried about the fact that her appointment isn't for another three hours. Okay, you can not tell me that this isn't all staged.
Jay is sitting on a private jet in his down jacket and tells the girls that their suitcases are their props for the shoot today. Which they don't even end up using, so I don't know how they were so easily fooled. Oh wait -- yes, I do. It'll be a group shot with the girls running to catch the plane.
Fatima is forlorn. She tells Jay her situation and plays the "refugee" card but wins no sympathy from him. He's all, "Well, I hope you're back in time. We need to be done with the plane by 3:00." He's mad that she waited until now to bring it up.
Lauren is working with a "wound," which actually garners some sympathy from Jay. Stacy is uber-cold, and her eyes keep tearing from the damn wind machine, so she's not selling it. Whitney earns her second beauty-pagaent critique of the episode. Anya can do no wrong. Dom does "remedial posing 101."
It's 12:45, and Fatima has her travel documents.
Jay sends the girls into the hanger to get their luggage, and Panel is set-up right there. Oh, they are so fucking with Fatima! Like remember what that girl found out that her friend died, and the next day, they had to pose in open coffins inside a freshly dug grave? Mean!
Tyra's all, "Where's Fatima?" And Fatima runs in and explains to Tyra. Tyra says that not participating in the shoot is bad because now they have no photo to judge. They'll have to look at her body of work, and when this has happened to other girls in past seasons, the girls have typically gone home.
Tyra then tells all the girls that they will be hopping a flight right after judging, but only six of them will be going. Fatima sobs.
Jay is the guest judge, and his hair totally matches his silver jacket. Eek.
Kat looks like a vintage airline poster. She does poised and conceited very well, Nigel points out.
Lauren's photo is stunning, and she was great at the party, so they can't figure out why she's still a hot mess when she gets in front of Panel.
Dom looks "high-kitch," fun and friendly. And because she's not smiling, you can't see the inch-deep furrows around her mouth. Seriously, people, she's SIXTY. Why is she still in the competition???
http://tv.yahoo.com/americas-next-top-model/show/35130
Stacy was over-the-top at the shoot and fake at the party. Her photo has "too much jaw."
Whitney's photo is the most natural, but the rest of her film is too pagaenty. Oh, she's doomed. Also, she didn't seem real at the party.
Anya was great at the party and "stole the show" at the shoot.
Fatima has no photo.
Hey. Lauren is Cover Girl of the Week. Huh.
Deliberations!
Kat is good, but the judges "keep forgetting about her." Dom is strong and keeps improving. Jay and Paula love Lauren and say that she's great on set.
Whitney has no personality. WHAT?! Crap. She'll be the next to go, I'm sure. Stacy is losing her sparkle. Anya is "secretly doing well." What does that mean?
The judges look at Fatima's body of work. Her homeless photo is their favorite. Her underwear shot on the boat is stiff. She's stunning covered in paint. The meat shot is "whack." Then there's a clip of Shannon, who refused to do the nude photo shoot and didn't go home. Is there hope for Fatima? I hope not.
So who goes overseas, and who stays home? Tyra calls Anya, Lauren, Dom, Kat and Whitney, leaving Stacy and Fatima in the bottom two.
Stacy is beautiful, but they feel like she has plateaued. Tyra is disappointed in Fatima's travel documents shenanigans. But it's Fatima she calls, and Stacy loses to someone with no photo. Ouch!
Tyra says that she hoped Fatima has "learned a lesson in responsibility." Well, no, she hasn't because her lawyer pulled strings and she got to stay in the competition, so basically, she was a retard and suffered no consequences for it.
Fatima hugs Stacy and says to her, "I love you. You're my favorite. You know that."
Stacy bawls her eyes out. I guess being Fatima's favorite is little consolation. But she says that "God has great things for me." I love it when they think that God gives a shit about modeling. 'Cause He's got nothing else on His plate.
Tyra and the panel board their private jet, but she tells the girls they are taking a commercial flight. Hee! To Rome!
Next week: Fatima gets really sick, and we get to watch the girls butcher the Italian language in a Cover Girl commercial!
Posted at 01:32 PM | Comments (2)April 10, 2008
"Top Model 10 Confidential"
I don't know where Tyra gets off calling it "confidential" when "America's Next Top Model" is being broadcast nationwide, but whatever. I don't understand her motives for lots of things.
This episode was billed as:
Never-before-seen footage of the cycle 10 contestants includes the women battling with posing instructor Benny Ninja, New York City firefighters practicing their runway struts, and contestant wrestling matches.
But it was only, like, 50% never-before-seen footage, tops. So I'm only gonna recap the stuff we haven't seen already. Don't blink.
At prep school, in the beginning, Jay leads a class called Expressions 101, where the girls have to make faces in their mirrors. I don't know why they included it. It's as boring as it sounds. Perhaps there is a minimum amount of time Jay has to be in each episode, according to his contract?
We all saw Stacy's lap dance that she performed for Tyra at auditions... in Jay's lap. But apparently, she sings, too. Or... not. She made up some song about ANTM that included the words "my fierce, fierce lips." Believe me, it sounds cooler than it really is.
Whitney confessed to being disappointed in ANTM's past plus-sized models for giving up. Wait -- did we see that before? I can't help but feel this is foreshadowing. The only question is: which bitch will be the one to beat Whitney down?
The girls have a bidet in their bathroom. Huh. Half of them don't know what it's for.
Remember dumb blonde Kim? She doesn't know how to make hot chocolate because her Mommy always made it for her. Amis and Fatima humor her, making them better people than me because I would have punched her in her pug face.
Paula Porzkova? Poriskova? Poritzkova? Whatever. She told Dom, "You look kind of like Robin Wright-Penn, but in a transvestite kind of way." Hee! I think Paula is almost as big of a bitch as Janice! I wish they'd give her more camera time.
Claire drinks her own breast milk, "for the nutrients." She's hoping to sell it for $50 a bottle. What Claire doesn't know is that there are sicko fetishist men out there who would consider that a bargain.
Does anyone remember Atalya?
Allison eats A-I sauce on Jello. Marvita (miss her!!!) calls her, "Hellacrazy." But I can't help thinking that might be kind of good. That salty, tangy on the sweet Jello. Now I'm craving a peanut butter and Dorito sammich.
Dom wants "to be Mother Theresa but in a diva kind of way." Does she even know what that means? Maybe she doesn't know who Mother Theresa is.
Amis breaks three lamps... okay, what the hell is wrong with her? Who goes into a fabulous house that SOMEONE ELSE PAID FOR and breaks shit? No one is that clumsy, okay? That girl was raised by wolves. In a barn.
Marvita apparently walks around naked all the time. Well, honestly, if I had her body, you'd have to put clothes on me by force, while I kicked and screamed. But Stacy says, "Do I have to see all that all the time?" Apparently, Stacy is not comfortable with The Va-Jay-Jay. Hers probably has sand in it.
Then, Miss J makes an entrance coming down a fireman's pole at a fire station because the girls are going to practice their runway walks and get judged by firemen. And I'm thinking there would be some sexual tension in a situation like that, but Miss J just sucks all the heterosexuality out of the room. As proof positive of just that, the firemen show off their runway walks. [Insert awkward, reaching "flaming" joke here.]
Marvita apparently gives great massages. To all the girls in the house. Huh.
Remember the posing show-down with Benny Ninja and his posse of circus freaks? Well, after the girls' Battle of the Posers, the girls and the freaks just started throwing down with the posing. [We SO have to do this at the next Movie Night!]
Anya takes pictures of the other girls, ordering them around in her weird-ass Hawaiin accent.
Marv took a pink guitar from the Swag Tent, remember? Well, it was an odd choice, considering she can't play. But that doesn't stop her from making up songs well after everyone else has gone to bed!
Whitney bakes muffins and stuff for the rest of the girls. Fatima's all gracious and "She's trying to make the rest of us fatter than her." Oh, lighten up and have a damn muffin, Fatima! You're just going to puke it up anyway!
The girls go to a nightclub and start drinking. Unfortunately, no one pukes. But Whitney is all judgemental of them dancing on the leather seats in their stiletto heels and humping each other. I love that she has a modicum of decorum.
Stacy, on the other hand, smuggles a bottle of vodka into the limo. Classyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Just like Heather at the movies!
Seven girls are left: awkward Lauren, sexy Kat, poised Whitney, lovely Stacy, strong Dominick, ethereal Anya and indomitable Fatima.
Please allow me to translate Tyra-speak into English: un-sexy Lauren, Maxim cover Kat, stuck-up Whitney, going-home-next Stacy, tranny Dominick, way-out-there Anya and bitch Fatima.
I wonder what word Tyra would use to describe me?
Posted at 11:26 AM | Comments (1)April 04, 2008
"If You Can't Make It Here, You Can't Make It Anywhere"
Previously on "America's Next Top Stanky Sperm Recepticle," Dom is at odds with everyone on the planet, the girls represent music genres, and Aimee goes home, where no one remembers who she is.
In the jumbo-taxi, Whitney muses that she thinks America is ready for a plus-sized top model. Meanwhile, Dom is all, "Whitney won't win. I intimidate her. Blah blah I'm so strong."
It's the same sad tune we've heard from ALL the cripplingly insecure girls on this show. When, oh when is Mama Tyra gonna make her break down and cry ugly, snotty tears of self-loathing?
By the way, Husband and I now refer to Dominique as Dominick. You watch -- she's gonna whip out a schlong any minute now.
Last week, Claire was on the chopping block, which freaked her out. And when Tyra called her name, instead of sweetly hugging the loser Aimee, she's all "YES!!!" It seemed in poor taste. Even Lauren calls it "disrespectful," and she's the anarchy poster child.
Tyra Mail! The clue is the title of this episode -- don't make me type it again. The girls brilliantly discern that it has something to do with Broadway, so Miss J tosses them each a Milkbone.
And then! What later came to be known as The Great Coffee Incident.
Apparently, Fatima made some coffee and then left the kitchen. Lauren finds the pot, amid the array of discarded dishes, and since it has barely any coffee in it, assumes it's just another dirty dish. So she dumps it out, washes it and makes some fresh coffee.
Note: Why didn't Fatima just make a WHOLE pot of coffee? For the house? Selfish twat.
Enter Fatima, looking for her coffee. She accuses Lauren of vindictively making herself a pot of coffee, and Lauren TOTALLY looses her shit at Fatima in the Scorching Coffee Tirade of Death. Every other word is bleeped out. It's pretty impressive, considering she hasn't even begun to ingest her caffiene for the day.
Model Kristy Hinze and Elite Models' Karen Lee send the girls on go-sees. I don't even know why Hinze is there. She adds nothing to the segment.
The girls are issued Sprint GPS phones, since real models can't afford cabs when they're starting out, and the girls are going to walk to all their go-sees. Wait -- models who can't afford a cab can afford a Sprint GPS phone? Exhibit A for How Far Removed Tyra Is From Reality.
Team 1 is Claire, Whitney, Stacy and Dom. Team 2 is Anya, Lauren, Kat and Fatima. Claire leads her team, and Anya gets her team lost.
Whitney is scared that, as a size 10, she's not what these designers are going to be looking for.
Dom models a gown and does her runway walk for one of the designers, then comes back out in her street clothes, lavishly patting herself on the back. LITERALLY. With the designer standing right behind her. It's so tacky and childish.
The same designer says that she doesn't use size 10s on the runway -- only size 2s. Dom says, quite hopefully, that she thinks Whitney is breaking down. I'm sorry -- who is intimidated by whom here, Dom? I'm afraid I'm confused.
Whit says that the go-sees are unfair because she would be working for a whole different group of designers than the rest of the girls, and she's right. But then there's another designer, Shoshanna, who says that she wants "all different sizes and body types" for her runway shows. YAY!
Fatima is "too small," as a size 0. Claire's big personality monopolizes the go-see. And Whitney doffs her bra to wear an ugly dress. Husband whistles at the t.v. Fatima says that Lauren is "dragging them down." (The team, not Whitney's boobs.)
Okay, this go-see episode is pretty lame because the girls are on teams instead of relying on themselves and getting lost and being late and crying.
One designer wants "fun and animated" models for her runway. She says of Lauren, "She's very pretty, but... HORSE WALK!" Seriously.
The results are in. Team 1 has great walks and personalities, but no presentation. Team 2 lacks personality and good runway skills. Team 1 wins a spread in the June issue of Seventeen magazine. I may have to pick that up. Or at least thumb through it while at Walgreens.
Stacy booked the most shows of all the girls. Yay, Stacy Ann! She's growing on me. She's dumb as a box of hair, but she's adorable and very sweet, and this season is severely lacking in sweetness.
Tyra Mail! Something about "best foot forward" and "washed out."
The girls arrive at the shoot and see Jay on a conveyer belt runway. It's... some weird... "movement as art" thing. And at the end, he breaks through a wall of boxes. I don't know. It's totally gay. Some group called Fuerza Sabruta, I believe? I don't know. I Googled them and can't find them, so clearly, I've misspelled it. Or else they are a bunch of nobodies that Tyra is trying to pretend are edgey and fierce.
Appropo of nothing, the girls will be wearing gowns, lying in a puddle of water,... on a sheet of Saran Wrap,... being photographed from beneath. Who thinks this shit up? This isn't about selling a product. This is about "raw movements and shapes." *sigh*
Claire wants to dive in... to a 2-inch pool of water. Jay warns her that she doesn't have to, but she does anyway. And hurts her head and neck. What an idiot. She leaves the Saran Wrap to get her shit together, so Dom goes first instead. Dom says she would "never be that stupid." Her poses rock Jay's world. Back on the Wrap, Claire's poses are slow and stilted, her legs are dead. Dammit.
Lauren looses a contact in the pool of water... which now has the germs of Claire and Dom floating in it. Ew. Jay remarks that, even tho' Lauren is awkward, she never looks awkward at shoots... until now. Anya is beautiful.
Kat gets a haircut on set. She cries because she's had long hair all her life. It's about chin-length now. In the puddle, after some coaching from Jay, she turns into "a graceful goddess."
Whitney says she's nervous about being a chubby girl walking on a sheet of Saran Wrap. Hee! But Jay says that she's "not afraid" during her shoot. Stacy, on the other hand, only gets off one good shot. Jay loves Fatima. Guess she shaved.
Tyra Mail! Judging! Lauren is worried, and Dom thinks she knows who is going home. Well, I'm sure Dom wishes she knows who is going home.
Claire's body looks really good in her photo, but her face looks bad. Miss J makes some joke about getting the bug off his windshield.
Stacy was the challenge winner, but she really struggled in her shoot, and it shows in her photo.
When Kat steps forward with her new 'do, Paula remarks that her "weird Eastern European tackiness is now gone." *cricket* *cricket* Everyone has a holy-shit-did-she-just-say-that look on their face. The rest of the judges recover nicely by saying that Kat is beautiful and "looks like a dancer."
Whitney's photo evokes the comments "sonogram," "full-figured fetus," "alive" and "first breath." Tyra says that she was blown away by Whit's film. Husband does his happy-dance.
Tyra is taken aback by Dom's tacky outfit. She's wearing a tunic, but her leggings are too sheer, so she just looks like an aged, $25 prostitute. Also, her hair at panel, says Tyra, is very there's-something-about-Mary-hair-gel. She looks like she just got up from a nap. But there is "pain and orgasm" in her face in the photo.
Lauren looks dead. It's her weakest photo to date.
Fatima is "so perfect" -- that hand, that neck, oh my!
Anya "finally found the light" with her face and got a fierce photo.
Deliberations! And Kat is the Cover Girl of the Week!
Claire is a "one note" model. Stacy has a square jaw but is very bookable, as proved on the go-sees.
They don't know who Kat is because she doesn't have much of a personality. Oh, I hate it when they pull this crap. She's quiet! It's not a personality deficiency!
Whitney is a great model. Dom is crazy.
Nigel bristles at the mere mention of Fatima, and Paula calls him out on just hating her. Yeah? So?
Anya looks like a "nymph elf" with a "head of fire." O... kaaaaaaay. Lauren looks slightly "less Frankensteinish" this week. Ouch.
Tyra stands up and calls: Fatima, Anya, Kat, Whitney, Stacy and Dominick, leaving Lauren and Claire in the bottom two. Dude! That's so not right! How does beautiful Claire get in the bottom two while Dom isn't stoned to death by villagers with torches???
Apparently, Tyra's bullshit reasoning is that Claire isn't diverse enough, and Lauren is the same ol' awkward Lauren. Husband predicts that Claire is going home, and I hit him. Tyra calls Lauren, and a tiny part of my soul dies.
Claire is way bummed because she "failed." She's especially upset because she had started so strong. And she feels guilty for leaving her husband and baby "and dog" and not winning. I don't know why, but that's funny.
And now a word from today's guest blogger -- BILLI!
I CANNOT BELEIVE THAT CLAIRE IS GONE!!!!! Those stupid judges!!!! I hate them!!!!!!! That other moron who was in the bottom two really really should have gone. She can't WALK!!! She has no personality, except for when she's swearing! Stupid, stupid choice. I hate them. And that fuckin' bitch from Africa. Good Lord, do I hate her. And Dominique.... I don't even have words for my hatred for her. I don't even know who I like now! The blonde with the blonde eyebrows is just too damn ugly. I guess I like the chick who's hair they cut again and the plus size girl. Stupid judges.
Ah, no one can pour on the hate like Billi. God bless her little heart.
Next episode: Fatima has legal trouble. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say she's an illegal immigrant. Lauren "cuts off her finger," which means she probably needs a couple stitches.
Posted at 02:40 PM | Comments (2)March 27, 2008
"The Girls Sharpen Their Claws and Deal with Racism"
I'm just making up my own episode titles now.
Previously on "America's Next Top Model," Wenchie failed to get her husband interested in this season. There has been a real lack of hot tub and/or shower scenes.
The girls are in a big stretch cab talking about Aimee's skin. And while her ego is growing ginormous, Lauren's lack of confidence has become a real issue. Probably because she's ugly and makes me want to shove a sharp pencil in my ear every time she opens her damn mouth. Why does she even bother to open her mouth when she's just going to talk out of her nose anyway???
Claire is on the phone talking to her husband... about her milk drying up. And we are treated to a lovely shot of her pumping her breast milk. Oh joy.
Dom's alarm goes off way early and wakes up Claire. Apparently, for the fourth, sixth or seventh time, depending on which part of Claire's tirade you believe. Dom blames it the on the many, complicated settings, but Claire isn't buying it and calls her a "shady bitch." Hee! Also? If Dom can't work an alarm clock, then I believe she's indeed fully qualified to be a top model.
Claire also tells Dom to take responsibility for herself instead of blaming the clock. And she has a point. Dom is not exactly Miss Personal Responsibility Taker.
Aimee says that, at 18, she thinks she's more mature than some of the older girls. I may have to agree with her.
Dom and Claire argue during breakfast. Seeing a speck of blood on Dom, Lauren starts pecking away, too. And then Dom tells her to "stay in your place." You can imagine how well this sits with Miss Punk Rock Anarchy. Not well at all, I'm afraid, and the screaming escalates.
Not wanting to miss out on the fun, Whit tell Dom to "get in the trash where you belong." Wheeeeeeeeee! This is definitely better than a grade school playground scuffle!
Cut to Dom interviewing that it was like Christmas for the girls, ganging up on her like that. I know it was for me! And then she pulls the same old shit that all the divas pull -- "It's because I'm so strong and they're threatened by me, so they're trying to bring me down." Whatev.
"You're CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAZZZYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!" continues Lauren. "Everything you say is just verbal diarrhea!"
Oh, and Husband is now caught up in this season. Yay! It was the fighting. And Whitney. Which bodes well for me, considering she's the plus-size model. A size 10 -- the horror!
Dom cries on the phone to her Mom, who tells her that she's "on a journey" and to "keep your eyes on the goal." The goal of becoming this season's Bitch Who Everyone Hates.
Tyra Mail! Something about being sick and getting better. Oh, please, God, let their next shoot be as naughty nurses!
When the girls arrive at their destination in their maxi-cab, Tyra reveals herself to be the driver. Okay, that's kinda funny, Tyra Banks driving these sorry-ass losers around town.
The girls go up to the dance studio and get dressed to practice walking and posing with Tyra. While walking fiercely, Tyra feigns a twisted ankle in a BRILLIANTLY ACTED segue to "posing with pain." Oh, that Tyra, she's so clever!
Anya is fierce, Whit does really well, but Aimee doesn't commit, and Lauren looks like "an addict." HA!
Tyra tells the girls, when they get stuck during a shoot, to think about pain and listen to the music in their head. Eek.
Tyra Mail! The posing was actually a challenge, and Anya won. She gets a one-on-one photo shoot with Nigel to plump up her portfolio. Huh. I guess Nigel drew the short straw this season.
At the shoot, Nigel explains that he wants this shoot to be timeless and never look out-of-date in her portfolio, so she's going to be naked. Oh, those pesky clothes, always getting in the way! Husband is bummed out that it's not Whitney.
Nigel says that Anya "doesn't know how good she is." Anya feels very comfortable being naked. Aimee, on the other hand, interviews that being naked is wrong. Great career choice, Aimee! Really thought that one through, did ya?
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Dom is sick on bed with a migraine because God smote her for being offensive in His sight. Claire, Lauren and Whitney sit on a couch in that same room and recount the fight at breakfast like she's not there. It's brilliant.
Dom interviews, "Look at the monkeys dance." RACIST!!!
The three girls are totally bonding over their hatred of Dom, but Claire is clearly the ringleader. She's gleefully enjoying Dom's annoyance, and the other girls are looking to her to see how far to take it.
Tyra Mail! Something is a good gig, if you can get it. Modeling, I guess.
Jay! Have you guys heard about Jay and Tyra's feud? (Linky goodness supplied by Lolly!) First, Tyra runs off Janice, and now she's working on Jay! God only knows what she did to Twiggy! Has anyone even seen her lately?
Jay tells the girls that they are in Williamsburg, which is supposedly usurping Manhattan as the center of music. If he says so! Each girl is going to embody a different style of music. Oh, Dom has to be jazz because that's the music of assholes.
Fatima is Metal and loving it. Because Motley Crue don't shave their armpits either! Jay says she "looks the part, but then she start posing."
Kat is Emo. Ha! Emo is so gay. Except that Kat looks awesome.
Lauren is Pop and comes out in Brit-Brit-esque red pleather, down to the spike-heeled hooker boots. She almost falls over trying to walk in them, and Jay goes, "Be careful, Tippy Tumbles!" I giggled for ten minutes. Lauren wah-wah-wahs that she has spent her whole life avoiding pop music. Hmm. Perhaps she should set some higher goals for herself? I'm just sayin'.
Claire is Country, complete with pink flouncy skirt. Cute! After many awkward poses, Jay tells her to "find a balance between couture and country," but she doesn't. Speaking of country, at church on Easter, one mother put her poor little girl in PINK, METALLIC COWBOY BOOTS with her darling Easter dress. I thought Jesus was gonna come outta the tomb hurling lightening bolts! Or whatever magical powers he has.
Dom is Folk and randomly interviews that "they all wanna be like me." I'm not sure what it has to do with the shoot, so I think the editors wanted to make sure we don't forget that we hate her. She does some hippie poses and looks like she's old enough to have been around then.
Anya is Punk. Jay complains that she "let the outfit and make-up do the work." I wonder if I can get my clothes to do my work? That would be handy!
Stacy is House. She's all posey, earning Jay's ire.
Aimee is R&B. She loves her outfit and is thinking "diva," but Jay complains that she has no experience or passion. Dude, she's 18.
Whit is Grunge. They put her on a diving board over an empty pool, and she complains that she's afraid of heights. Ten feet is heights? She does really great, and Jay calls her "genius." In your face, skinny bitches!
Tyra Mail! Judging.
Claire is worried that her shoot didn't go well. Lauren is worried that her confidence sucks. At Panel, everyone looks at the photos.
Whit is very "believable" as Grunge. She took some risks, and the photo they like is a "risk that worked."
They love Fatima's legs as Metal. You know how Miss J loves the broke-down doll look, and she is "workin' it."
Anya said that working with Nigel was fun, and kudos to her for not saying anything stupid and offending him because you know how prissy he is. Her photos are... something about "finding the light." But don't walk towards it, you crazy albino!
Lauren is "extremely beautiful" as Pop but needs to be more awake. Maybe they don't know that she always talks like that.
Aimee struggled with R&B. Suck, suck, suck.
Stacy's House poses were too obvious.
Miss J asks regarding Kat's Emo, "Is that white music?" Oh, c'mon, Miss J, you know what emo music is. You just wanted to make us crackers look stupid. Tyra thinks Kat's photo is the best of them all, and she also loves Kat in the short wig. I think Kat is getting a haircut!
Claire is "too tough" being Country. It was her worst shoot to date.
Dom is believable as Folk and looks "soft." But then they say funny things about her head, torso and legs "not communicating" or something. Modeling is so weird.
Commercials, and Claire is Cover Girl of the week -- AGAIN!!!
Deliberations!
Whitney is "coming out." Wait. Did I miss something?
Fatima is disappointing. Lauren is awkward. Aimee looks like "bad Vegas garbage." HAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Kat is interesting and needs a haircut. Claire totally missed the mark. Dom improved, but she's "still not there." Stacy looks like "a Jamaican DJ." Will the racism never end???
Tyra calls: Whitney, Kat, Fatima, Lauren, Anya, Dom and Stacy. Leaving Claire and Aimee in the bottom two. Dear God, not Claire!!!
The Panel is shocked at how badly both girls sucked this week. But Claire sucked less! YAY!!! But the warn her that modeling isn't just about being fierce.
Aimee cries a lot.
Next week: Go-sees, Whitney takes a beating, and Lauren's temper gets out of control.
Posted at 02:46 PM | Comments (3)March 24, 2008
"Top Model Takes It To the Streets"
Oh, my darlings, I have failed you! I didn't watch "America's Next Top Model" two weeks ago! And I can't recap what I haven't seen, so I have left you swimming in a dark sea of confusion, lost and alone!
So, yeah, missed it. Sorry. But from the Previouslies, I learned that the girls did some designer runway show, a photo shoot in a meat packing plant (so bummed I missed that!), and Amis went home. Probably because of the terrible Xanadu-esque headband she wore to Panel. Stupid girl.
Fatima was in the bottom two with Amis, which she finds shocking, but the rest of us don't. She resolves to practice.
Marvita, in context of nothing, says that she can't stay with anyone and doesn't believe in "happy hand-holding" because she was raped and molested.
Claire thinks that Marvita is a crazy hood-rat. Now, Claire, I love you, but if you diss Marv, your stock is going to take a hit. So stop it. Play nice.
Whitney offers someone (Fatima, I think?) some banana bread, to which the someone replies, "Why, so I can be fat like you?" RUDE! And dudes, Whitney is hardly "fat" -- she's just not replacing meals with laxatives and cigarettes.
Whitney says that she doesn't believe in the word "fat," and she was called second in panel last time, so she's not worried about her size. Then she muses, "Maybe she meant phat -- P.H.A.T...?"
Tyra Mail! Something about The Three Cs.
Eeek! Oh, it's only Benny Ninja. Dude looks like Templeton the rat. He scares the shit outta me. Benny is joined by Vendela, a Swedish/Norwegian supermodel/actress. Apparently, The Three Cs are Catalogue, Commercial and Couture, and Benny and Venny are there to teach them.
There's lots of ridiculous posing. Benny tells Whitney that she looks like Anna Nicole Smith. And I disagree -- Whitney looks like she's only been dead for a few days. A week tops.
Back at the ranch, Dom didn't remember what phone time she signed up for, which she blamed on Whitney, adding that her phone time is more important than Whitney's because she has a child. (A child that she left for thirteen weeks. I'm just sayin'.)
So it's on between Dom and Whit. Dom keeps trying to say that it's Whitney's responsibility to tell Dom when it's her turn on the phone, but the rest of the girls are like, "Well, we didn't need to be reminded when it was our turn."
Dom stands her pathetic ground and tells Whit that she has no respect for other people, which is probably true but beside the point, in this case. Whitney tells her, "I have no reason to respect you. You speak all the time out of your ass."
Then, as a final and desparate act, Dom throws out the race card. Wait -- is Dom not white? Or at least 75% white? Is Whitney a self-loathing white girl who is racist against caucasians? I'm confused.
Well, this gets Whit all in a tizzy. "You can call me a bitch, fine, but don't call me a racist! My best friend is black!"
I love that. Also? Besides the point. My best friends are Irish, but that doesn't mean I don't think all the hoopla about St. Patrick's Day is pretty retarded. Oooh, I'm a racist!
Oh my God. Why is Janice Dickinson doing Orbit gum commercials? Is her show not doing well? Janice, call me, we'll talk.
Back to the show, Dom and Whit are still at it, when Whitney randomly exclaims, "Where's the Saran Wrap?" Is that a racist joke? I don't get it.
Tyra Mail! Something about bringing it to the center. I don't know.
Benny and Venny meet the girls in Brooklyn, along with The Best Posers In the World. Or so they claim. The girls are going to be split into two teams and DUEL TO THE DEATH!!! Wait, no. They're just going to pose. The winners get a trip to The Swag Tent, and the number one poser gets an even more special surprise.
Oh my God! How badly do I want a trip to The Swag Tent?! Doesn't that sound like heaven?!
In the posing face-offs: Claire vs. Dom is a tie; Lauren vs. Marv, Lauren wins; Anya vs. Stacy, Stacy wins.
Fatima vs. Whitney. Whitney wins, despite the fact that Fatima was basically on top of her and, at one point, had her disfigured vag all up in Whitney's face. Ew. People, if Fatima is not shaving her pits... well, I won't go there.
Aimee vs. Kat, Kat wins, making Team B the winners. Marv confesses that she's totally freeloading off the rest of the team because she didn't bring in any points. Awwwww.
Claire is the winner of all the posers, and Benny and Venny call her amazing! YAY!
On to The Swag Tent! Sponsored by Backstate Creations, which is the company that does the gift bags for the Oscars and stuff. Because, ya know, celebrities need lots of expensive stuff for free. Fuckers.
And Claire gets to go to Bora Bora. At some undetermined point in time. Huh.
Fatima bitches some more about Marvita, calling her "ghetto" and "hood." As if the girl can help where she was brought up. Fatima is a stuck-up bitch.
Hey, it's Saleisha's Cover Girl commercial! Oh, thank God they changed her hair.
Back at ANTM, Marv is wondering if maybe she really is too ghetto for this competition. You guys, this totally sucks. The Man is keeping Marvie down, and in this case, The Man is bulemic wanna-be models. How sad is that? Don't listen to them, Marvilina!
Tyra Mail! Something about being naked in coats. Oh, please, God.
It's Jay! Seriously, why isn't Jay on Panel? He does all the damn work, while Tyra, Nigel and Miss J hang around Tyra's hotel suite and watch "Project Runway" and eat pot brownies.
The photo shoot is a close-up jewelry shoot where the girls will have paint splattered on them. Groovy. I hope they don't ruin the bling!
Marvita's soul has clearly been eaten by Fatima, so even Jay's big-sister-esque pep-talk can't help her. Fatima watches Marv with unconcealed disdain. It's all very sad, as is Marv's expression in her photos.
Ew. The girls actually get think, gooey paint poured on their heads. But they all seem to do really well. Except for Fatima, whom Jay accuses of over-thinking... and sucking. Welcome to Karmatown. Population: Fatima.
Jay also comments that Marv is a disaster, and it seems like she has already checked out.
Panel! Vendela is there, and Tyra introduces her as a supermodel from Scandinavia. SCANDINAVIA IS NOT A COUNTRY! Jesus H. Rosemaling Christ, can't you just say she's from Norway or whatever??? The panel checks out the girls' photos, oblivious to my rage.
Dom is "softer" and "more subtle" than they've seen her before. But she still looks like a dude.
Anya "needs more in her eyes." I assume they're talking about fierceness and not paint.
Kat has "great eyes" and looks "sophisticated."
Fatima doesn't shave her armpits, and it's the shot heard 'round the world, ladies and gentlemen. But other than that, she looks "fantastic." Nigel gives her some good advice: photo touch-ups are expensive; razors are cheap. Hee!
Lauren looks "gorgeous," but I still want to beat her up for being so retarded. She apologizes for coming to Panel in gym shoes, but someone stole her heels. I think it's interesting that she accuses the girls of being theives and doesn't assume that maybe her slobby self just lost them. Tyra is convinced that, because they are a size 10, some drag queen stole them. Heather?
Whitney is "not taking the competition seriously," according to Vendela.
Claire needs about "an inch more neck," but what she lacks in neck, she makes up for in "power." Claire, I will so babysit your kid.
Marvita seems "defeated." Her photo looks "sad," but "at least there's some emotion there." She looks like an "orphan modeling." Poor thing. She's so going home. Tyra hates a quitter, Marvita!
Stacy's lips are much loved, but Jay said she seemed lost during the shoot.
Aimee's skin is "insanely beautiful," but she's a "chameleon," which is a bad thing because it means she doesn't have her own look. Judging from this photo, I think her look is Psycho Chick Who Just Survived A Particularly Vicious Sneeze.
Deliberations! But first -- commercials. And Claire is the Cover Girl pick of the week for the fourth week running! YAY!
What the hell is on Miss J's eyebrows? Is that white glitter? He's so fucking retarded sometimes.
Dom is "almost getting it," but Anya's is "not good" close up. Kat is "losing her Wow factor." Fatima is "old enough to know better" than to be an unshaven model. Whitney just "does not have what it takes."
Damn, the judges really took their crabby pills that day.
Claire looks "confident;" Marvita, on the other hand, seems "uncomfortable" and is "giving up." Aimee can be "20 different people" but has "no self." Stacy is "improving," while they compare Lauren to "Young Frankenstein."
Okay, that's a low blow. "Young Frankenstein" is my favorite movie ever, and every frame is a work of art. Do NOT compare it with Lauren of the gawky gawkiness. Ugh.
A decision has been made, and the girls are called in the following order: Stacy, Dom, Claire (okay, how did those two get called before Claire of the Amazing Amazingness?), Anya, Lauren, Aimee, Kat, Fatima.
Marvita and Whitney are in the bottom two for related reasons. Neither of them seem to be wholly invested in the competition. But Whitney gets her photo, and poor, sweet, ghetto Marv is sent packing. Dudes, that's just not right.
Okay, I just re-read this recap, and I don't understand where the models "Take It To the Streets."
Also? For awesome black Barbie sex a la Allison (who was the first to get booted), go here! Glam! I haz it! I am immediately going to iTunes to download this song. Thanks, Heather!
Next episode: The girls have to pose with pain, and the entire house gangs up to reem out Dom. YAY!
Posted at 09:16 AM | Comments (2)March 10, 2008
"Top Model Makeovers"
I don't think that's the real name of the lastest episode of "America's Next Top Model," but I couldn't find the real name. Anyone? Don't they usually start with "The Girl Who..." or aren't they doing that this season?
Previously, fourteen girls go to NYC, do a runway show in Times Square, meet Paulia Porizkova and do a shoot as homeless people. Oh, Tyra's so sensitive! Italia went home, not Stacey, as I had previously said. And I don't even remember there being an Italia, so it's just as well.
Right out of the gate, Dom talks about how awesome she is and confesses to being a diva. Hate her.
Someone plays ding-dong-ditch on the girls, leaving them ugly, white purses, with Apple Bottoms swag inside. God, that never happens to me! Probably because I have more of a melon bottom. Sweet, round and ripe -- yeah, bay-bee!
Eighteen-year-old Allison wants to kill all the other girls. Well, I'm sure the feeling is mutual, sweetheart. Now shutthefuckup.
Fatima makes some comment about Allison's ass being bigger than hers, which is AWESOME, and Allison responds, well... like a dramatic 18-yr. old, saying, "That's a nice thing to say to someone with anorexia," and storming out of the room.
And oddly, my heart does not go out to Allison for her affliction. Weird.
The girls get a 5:00 a.m. call... to Wal-Mart. Oh, my God, I'd be so pissed if someone got me outta bed before 4:00 a.m. to go to Wal-Mart. Brent and Molly are there from Cover Girl. Turns out, it's a 5:00 a.m. Cover Girl challenge and casting. The winner of ANTM gets a big-ass Wal-Mart Cover Girl display. I would hang my head in shame.
The girls have 5 minutes to create a fresh, natural look with CG slop. Lauren and Fatima forget to use color; Whitney looks awesome, Allison is wearing too much (hee!); but it's Claire who wins! And as much as I hate Baby-Leavers, I find myself silently rooting for her. I'm so conflicted!
Oh, then Claire goes and really tests my budding love for her by telling the other girls that she and Dom want to win more than the other girls because they're doing it for their babies. Vomit.
Oh, sweet Jesus! Allison brought BARBIES with her! Is my hatred for her misplaced after all? One is black and one is white, and holy racist, she pads the black Barbie's pants with Kleenex to make her butt bigger, and then she makes the black Barbie say, "I wanna take it in back because I'm black!"
Holy shit! That is one ignorant bitch! It is so on between Allison and Fatima!
But not right now because they get Tyra Mail. Something something "curl up and dye." MAKEOVERS! My favorite!
Damn, Tyra's dress is boobylicious. Too bad Husband isn't here to see it. Steven Knoll will be doing the girls' hair, and I can't believe I've actually heard of him. Tyra tortures the girls by telling them that they're not going to know what's happening to their heads until it's done. Hee!
Anya goes platinum blonde -- eyebrows included -- and I just don't think that's a good look on anyone. (Plus, she has a troll-face in this photo.)
Whitney goes blonde and is a total kitten. (Although this photo doesn't really do her justice.)
Aimee is now a redhead with bangs and looks hot. I'm coveting her hair.
Marvita looks less like Chris Rock with her "horse mane" extensions.
Lauren gets a strawberry blonde weave and looks much less like a retard -- pretty, even. Now if only they'd remove her vocal chords...
Katarzyna gets really dark hair. Not much of a change. They probably don't want to invest too much time and money in her because they know she's too Maxim to win.
Claire looks better than I ever thought a woman could in a platinum blonde buzz cut. Seriously. (Sorry, Anya!) I know she's a Baby-Leaver, but I am kind of loving her.
Fatima looses the Bozo hair and looks like a bonafide, cell-phone-throwing supermodel, including the angst and crying during the procedure. But she still can't have sex.
Allison got some highlights or something. But she's still a total bitch.
Dom's hair really looks like shit. They really screwed her. She looks like a Lutheran Church Basement Lady/Soccer Mom/Poor Drag Queen.
Stacey's to-die-for cheekbones are now The Cheekbones That Ate New York, with her buzz cut. But she's still a dingbat.
Amis gets a blonde weave, but she's still a total horseface, and I have no idea what she's doing on this show.
Tyra Mail! Something about "The Body." Isn't that Giselle Somebody's nickname? Nope, turns out it's Elle McPherson. Oh, she's so adorable. And she's pimping her new line of Elle McPherson Intimates! Fun!
The girls pose in Elle's skivvies on a boat with the NY skyline as their backdrop.
Okay, I am officially loving Claire and Marvita. I can't help it!
They put poor Whitney the fat girl in a corset and bubble skirt, which is horrible. Don't cover her up! Put her in some boy cut shorts and let her work it!
Lauren is horribly awkward, to the shock and awe of exactly no one.
Allison blah-blahs about how she has so much more experience than the other girls, and then proceeds to underwhelm Jay with her posing. Love it.
Dom is terrible, and Jay calls her "catalogue" half a dozen times.
Elle tells the girls they are all awesome and thanks them for helping promote her "bras and knickers." Only when she says it, it sounds like "knickahs." Oh, she's just the cutest thing!
Judging!
Marv looks fierce, people. And I know I sound retarded saying "fierce," but she really does. The judges love her photo, and they say she looks like a panther.
Claire shows up to Panel in over-the-knee socks and a pleated skirt, cementing my undying devotion. Baby be damned! She's got the cocked eyebrow going on in her photo. *swoon*
(Seriously, Heather, I can't believe you don't watch this show.)
Fatima looks like Iman, according to the judges. Whatev.
Kat looks like a "Russian mail order bride." Hee!
Dom looks old.
The judges tell Allison that she looks soft and pretty, and after a pause, Nigel brings it to everyone's attention that "Thank you" might have been an appropriate response. That Nigel -- such a stickler. But Allison doesn't get the hint even when delivered with a trebuchet. She just winks at him. Idiot. One of them even says, "The lights are on, but no one's home," right to her face.
Deliberations!
The photographer confesses that he thought Dom was one of the model's mom. Ouch!
Nigel says that Anya's accent sounds like a Jamaican on sleep medication.
Allison is just hands-down conceited.
Tyra comes forward and has photos for: Lauren, Marvita, Aimee, Claire, Stacey, Fatima, Anya, Whitney, Kat and Amis, leaving Dom and Allison in the bottom two. HA!
At this point, I'm thinking Dom is going home because Allison is clearly the prettier girl. But Allison forgot Top Model Rule #7, which is -- Don't offend Nigel.
Allison goes home! YAY! And she's clearly unsettled because she thought she was so much better than the other girls, what with all her "experience" and all. I guess selling handjobs next to the dumpster behind Chili's isn't the kind of experience Tyra is looking for. Too bad!
Oh, and something random -- when Tyra gives Dom her photo, she says something about Dom staying and getting the hair color Tyra wanted her to have. Hmmm...
Next episode: Fatima and Amis get on Miss J's last nerve. Dear God, please, let there be hair-pulling!
Posted at 08:00 AM | Comments (3)March 03, 2008
"The Girls Who Are Going Home So Don't Get Attached To Them"
Of course, this isn't the real name of the first episode of this season's "America's Next Top Model," but it'll do.
Wednesday is the third episode, so I figured I'd better get around to doing the first two, right? Geez, I only have one page of notes -- it's not like it's hard.
Thirty-five broke-down, trashy morons are on a school bus. Marvita is back this season, having left her "crazy past" behind her. We'll see, Marvita. We'll see.
Jay and Miss J make their grand entrance and send the girls to a locker room to put on their uniforms. And yes, I'm takin' 'bout Naughty Catholic School Girl uniforms. Thank you, Tyra! Then they get their "photo I.D.s" taken.
Well, all the usual suspects are here. There's Miss Ivy League who feels that her education will give her an "edge up" in the competition. Too bad she's not smart enough to know that it doesn't take brains to be a model.
And we have our geeky "punk artist," who sounds way too much like first season winner Adrienne for my comfort. God, blow your nose or something!
Allison feels she is the "silent predator," and we can only hope she stays silent. Token person from a different country -- Fatima from Somalia. And Kim rounds out the pack as a dumb blonde.
In the classroom, Miss J is there for Runway 101, where the girls have to walk... *gasp* with BACKPACKS! Oh, the horror!
Next we meet Claire, who is a mom and wife. And we all know how I feel about these broads who leave their babies for three months, trying to break into a career that will take them away from home for the majority of the year, and then claim they are "doing it for my child," so let's move on.
Is Anya from Russia? What's up with that funky accent? Or is it a speech impediment?
The girls are taken to the football field, where this is a bonfire surrounded by ex-ANTM-contestant cheerleaders. There's Furonda, the twins, Jael and Joanie.
The Js announce that they will all be going to New York City, but first! They have to pick a Homecoming Queen. And the girls are stupid enough to believe that it'll be one of them. Keep dreaming, ladies! There's only room for one Queen on this show, and it ain't one of you.
It's TYRA!!! The girls go ape-shit when Tyra appears in a yellow prom dress and tiara. Her acceptance speech includes, "I'm sorry I slept with all your boyfriends." It's actually pretty funny.
Then it's time for the one-on-one interviews. Mohammad Ali's niece is there, of whom Miss J says, "I see a model, but then she opens her mouth, and I want to die." Amy is "positively coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs."
Meanwhile, backstage, Fatima endears herself to all by calling all the black girls "ghetto." I believe we've found this season's Black Girl Who Everyone Hates. Shaya (I think that's her name) goes off on her and ends with, "You're dead in my book."
Stacy got married when she as 17, and not because she was preggers. She gives Jay a lap dance.
And then we find out why Fatima is such a bitch -- as a girl, she was circumcised in a horrible "traditional ritual." Well. Okay then. I guess I'd be pretty bitter and hostile, too.
Shaya, to whom Fatima was dead only moments ago, is the one to start the pro-Fatima group hug. It's actually really sweet. And then Marvita kills the moment by asking Fatima if she feels like less of a woman. The rest of the pack goes nuts on Marvita.
We discover that Jena's dream is to own a tricked-out Impala. Dream big, Jena. And in a moment that can only be described at T.M.I., we find out that Claire is pumping her breast milk. Dear God, she left a nursing baby behind.
The girls get their "report cards" and find out who passed and who failed. The passers get their "senior class photo" taken. They have to do their own hair and make-up, and in a tube top, will get a fur stole to work with.
From those photos, they pick the 13 finalists: Allison the Silent Predator, Fatima, Katrazanya or some such silly name, Kimberly the Dumb Blonde with the smooshed in pug-face, Stacy of lap dance fame, Amy and Aimee, Claire the Baby Abandoner, Whitney the token plus-size model, Marvita, Lauren the Punk Artist, Tatalia and Anya.
But Tyra is easily confused and says they can't have two Amys, so Aimee changes her name to Amis. "Because it's in the Bible." Really? I thought it was Amos.
And then in an unprecedented move, Tyra also says that 13 is an unlucky number, so they're taking one more girl -- Dominique the Drag Queen.
Although I did watch the second episode of "America's Next Top Model" last Wednesday, I was far too feverish to take any notes, so I'll just tell you what I remember. Which isn't much.
The girls go to their new house in NYC, and the sleeping arrangements leave much to be desired. One room is full of bunk beds, like an army barracks. The other one is just... one big bed. Huh.
Fatima rears her ugly head again, and Mother Marvita takes it upon herself to have a heart-to-heart with her. Fatima tries to chalk her shitty behavior up to I've-been-hurt-blah-blah-blah, and Marvita shares her own story of being hurt and getting over it. The two bond, and I am suddenly a big fan of Marvita.
At judging, Dumb Blonde Kimberly pulls an unbelievable move. She says that she doesn't believe in high fashion and $2,000 dresses, so she'd just rather go home. The judges are clearly pissed, and I don't blame them.
What did she think? She would only be modeling for Wal-Mart and Old Navy? What a selfish little bitch! All those other girls who wanted to compete and wear $2,000 dresses and didn't get a chance because Miss Wal-Mart got chosen, and then she bails the first week!
I think all the girls who didn't make it to the final 13 should take up a class action suit against that retard.
Um, who went home? They sent someone else home, too... who was it? Oh, I think it was Stacy the lap dancer. Pretty, but no one's home.
Next episode: Wenchie will actually be coherent enough to write a real recap!
Posted at 09:35 AM | Comments (2)December 15, 2007
"The Girl Who Becomes America's Next Top Ho-Bag"
Welcome to a Bianca-free episode! Woo-hooooooooooo!
Previously on The Girl Child's Future Career, Chantal the "Barbie blonde" was in the Bottom Two after the Cover Girl video, and Saliesha won two challenges, proving she's more than a commercial model. Jenah is stunning but sarcastic -- can she turn on the charm? And none of the other girls matter because they're all losers, every last one of them.
Tyra Mail! "Ripe for the picking," "show your flavor." From this porno-speak, the girls somehow arrive at the conclusion that it's a shoot for Cover Girl. Well, I guess they've seen previous seasons.
Jenah says to Chantal or Sal (I can't tell which), "If you are I are in the Bottom Two, I'm going home." Blah blah, wah wah. We all know she's right, but can't we at least maintain the facade of suspense?
The girls to see Jay and Brent from Cover Girl, who tell them they're shooting both a commercial and a print ad -- the very same print ad that the winner of ANTM will have plastered all over the country. No pressure!
Jaslene! Jaslene is there to... give them a pep talk or something. Chantal goes, "I wanna be in her cute, little, strappy shoes!"
The ad is for some lip glop called "WetSlicks Fruit Spritzers," and the girls will be representing 3 of the 12 colors.
Chantal is up first for the commercial. Jay immitates her as, "I'm the dumb model." Which somehow inspires Chantal to correct her behavior and do awesome.
As soon as the camera starts rolling on Jenah, the crickets start chirping. She freezes and can't get it together. Finally, Jay threatens the cue cards, and she pulls one good take out of her butt. Jay warns her that her insecurity comes off as bitchy. Oh, like she's the only one!
Saliesha just can't do it. She starts crying and has to take a minute to pull herself together. Jay gives her some lame nugget of wisdom that probably contains the words "fierce" and "giraffe," I don't remember.
Judging! Tyra announces that the 2 girls left after this elimination will "walk to the death!" That'd be so awesome. Model cage match!
And then Tyra asks her favorite question of the models -- "Who do you think has the most and least potential to be a model?"
Of course, everyone says themselves. And frankly, I think that's a cop-out. I think it would be a much more interesting question if they had to pick someone besides themselves.
Chantal and Sal both say that Jenah has the least amount of potential because of her bad attitude. Jenah defends herself saying something to the effect of, "I think lots of girls will be able to look up to me and see that a bad girl can be a Cover Girl."
Wahw-wahwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Wrong answer, Jenah.
They all look at the commercials and photos.
Sal smiles with her eyes in the commercial, but in the photos, she has the same smile in all 20 takes.
Chantal is naturally charming and very girl-next-door. Yeah, she's doomed, too. You know Tyra rarely chooses the white girls to win. If she saw Twiggy 20 years ago, she'd probably say she's not "edgy" enough.
Tyra accuses Jenah of "making fun of the commercial" because she laughs when she's supposed to bite into her fruit. But in Jenah's defense, she got the strawberry which, let's face it, looks like a penis head. Then Nigel dusts off the old, "We believe in you, but do you believe in yourself?" Vomit.
Jenah tearfully says that she hates "being misunderstood by my FRIENDS." Dig! Tyra asks about her "armor" (Jesus, can't someone just be sarcastic without having deep, emotional issues?), and Jenah says she has to be tough because she had to raise her two little sisters.
Then Tyra forgets which of her shows they are currently filming and presses, "You resent your mama, don't you? For leaving you to raise your sisters." More tears, and Chantal joins in, which I think is kind of sweet.
Then, because they all feel bad for having to endure Tyra's mother-hen bullshit, the judges throw her a bone and tell her that her photo is soft, innocent and great.
Deliberations! Sal IS a Cover Girl, but is she high fashion? Jenah apologized and meant it, so she's obviously more "self-aware" now, and she always takes the most stunning photos. Chantal is the most amateur and should probably be going home.
But in a SHOCKING turn of events, Chantal gets called first to get her photo! Oh, editors of ANTM, your dizzying plot twists are sheer genius!
Sal and Jenah are in the Bottom Two, and Sal gets her photo. Jezum Crow, you've never seen such blubbering! As soon as Sal's name is called, she hugs Jenah and sobs, "I love you!" Billi and I crack up.
Her obligatory farewell photo montage proves that she does, indeed, take the best photos of any girl ever on ANTM, as Tyra tells her.
Sal and Chan go to a photo shoot for Seventeen, the photos from which will be used in the winner's photo spread. It's uneventful and doesn't get much airplay. They must not shell out as much in sponsor dollars as Cover Girl does.
The fashion show "walk to the death" will be for Qi Gang. The concept is something about the Ming dynasty coming into the modern age. I don't know. I want the crazy, haunted brides back.
Tyra looks fabulous in her qi pao, by the way.
The girls will talk on the world's longest runway, which is really just a red carpet rolled down a big cement lot in front of some Chinese building. The audience is... 600 people all in costume. It's weird and doesn't feel very fashion-showy.
Jay's final words of advice? "Do you." Brilliant.
Tyra has her grand entrace first, natch. Then the Chinese acrobats on stilts, then Jaslene. I guess Tyra doesn't want Jaslene to forget her place in the world.
The girls walk. It's walking. It's getting dressed and undressed quickly. It's more walking.
One of the acrobats trips on the long train of one of Chantal's gowns and goes down really hard. It looks really painful, and Chantal is clearly upset by it. Because she's human. But models aren't supposed to be human.
At panel, everyone looks at all the photos of both girls and compares them. But we only get to see three.
The harmful effects of smoking shoot: Chantal is graceful, Sal is committed. Is that a compliment?
Gargoyles on skyscrapers: Chantal is sexy yet high fashion. Sal is unique. Is that a compliment?
Great Wall of China: Sat took the city by storm. Chantal dominated her photo.
Runway: Chantal was stiff and took short, quick steps, showing her nerves. Sal has a great, confident walk but "bopped" her shoulders too much.
Deliberations! Tyra is surprised that the girls she thought were the most commercial are in the Final Two. She solicits sympathy from the panel because her "butt has to go up there and CRUSH one of them!"
Two girls stand before Tyra. They're both beautiful, yet they both suck in their own special way. One of them sucks less, and that's Saliesha. Damn. She gives the same scripted speech all past winners have given.
Chantal interviews that she's hurt and shocked, but she will continue to work hard.
Sal cries that she's "got is and never letting it go!"
Enjoy your 15 minutes, Sal.
Posted at 12:07 PM | Comments (0)December 11, 2007
"The Girls Go To the Great Wall"
I missed the Previously stuff because I was over at Spikette's having pizza and just barely made it home on time. Love this icey weather!
Shanghai. Heather mail! Jenah is sad to see Heather go. Bianca says that "she was in her own little world most of the time, so it's not that different with her not here." Except that now Bianca has to find someone else to hate on.
The girls travel to Beijing, where their tour guide is named "Kevin." Somehow, I don't think that's his real name.
Jenah is still stressed out from being in the Bottom Two. Chantal, on the other hand, is quite content because she knows that being America's Next Top Model is her density. I mean destiny. Ah, and Bianca starts with the bitching about Chantal. Took her about 3.47 seconds to find a new victim. Is that a record?
The girls go to some... stage or something. Miss J and Twiggy are carried in by Chinese servants. How green of them to use the backs of lesser people than to use golf carts.
The narrate some... pagaent about "The Four Beauties," who are apparently the four most beautiful women in China, each from a different era. The women are, indeed, much more beautiful, graceful and well-dressed than the models.
Bianca thoughtlessly quips, "Okay, is it over?" Yes, God forbid you experience any of the culture, learn anything or act like a grown-up for one damn minute. The Four Beauties aren't rapping, so -- whoops! There goes Bianca's attention span!
At the end of the program, Miss J says they must wait and see how The Four Beauties relates to them... oooooooooh, I can hardly stand the suspense!
The girls get to their new home, which is way more sophisticated and beautiful than any of them deserve. I'm sure Bianca is like, "Okay, where's the Old Kessler?"
Tyra Mail! Great wall, great mall, shopping, squealing. The dresses that The Four Beauties wore are in boxes waiting for them. They are to go to the mall in the gorgeous gowns and modernize them, making the dresses their own. Which is never a good idea. They get $200 each to spend.
The girls all try on shoes and buy purses. Bianca decides to ditch the other girls in search of a store that will give her some special, secret edge, I guess. The other side of the mall is dismal, so she comes back. On the way, she runs into Jenah and tells her something to the effect of, "You should go across the street. They have some really great stores over there."
Now, Bianca and Jenah have gotten along so far (because Bianca didn't view Jenah as real competition), so Jenah, of course, takes her advice. Bianca calls it "strategy" and "feels better" after sabotaging her friend. Nice.
Hey! Is that Dani(elle) in the mascara commercial with Queen Latifa?
Bianca interviews that there are "no friends in competition." Jenah merely says, "That. Bitch." She totally didn't see that coming because playing dirty "isn't my style."
Seventeen editor Anne Shorket is there at the runway to judge the girls' walks and gown-make-overs. The girls are given a bunch of Cover Girl crap to do their own make-up for the competition.
Sal's walk is superb. Chantal has a very natural, great walk. Bianca hiked up her skirt like a hootchie mama, but Anne thinks that's a cute idea to show off her legs. Jenah, too, turned her gown into a mini, and then she took off her cape on the catwalk, which Anne loves.
The girls are given their critiques. Sal needs to loosen up, which is a lot different than the tongue-bath they were giving her when she couldn't hear them. Jenah is amazing. Bianca's walk is too "hiphop." They love Chantal's yellow shoes.
Jenah wins and picks Chantal to share her prize because she "can't trust" Bianca. The girls get beautiful qi pao gowns tailored to fit them, and Jenah gets a one-on-one runway lesson with Miss J. Apparently, this lesson is supposed to be a big deal because Miss J has never done a one-on-one with any Top Model wannabe before. Whoop-dee-shit.
Tyra Mail! Something about being seen from space. The girls are going to Vegas! Oh. No. They're going to the Great Wall.
Bianca starts bitching about everyone and everything. Jenah is homesick and misses her boyfriend. They both just want to get the whole competition over with.
At the Great Wall, they girls are going to be warriors scaling the wall with six other red-shirt warriors. Tyra is the photographer and a vision in khaki.
In the hair and make-up trailer, Sal gets a huge bun on the side of her head. She compares her look to http://www.warriorprincess.com/galleries/displayimage.php?album=138&pos=5. And can I just say? Xena NEVER wore her hair like that, so Sal is snorting Comet and totally wishes she was Xena. Idiot.
Chantal is totally getting into the whole thing, talking about how she loves the jet-setting life and getting to shoot at different locations. Tyra really likes shooting her, and her yes-man, Jay, agrees.
Jenah feels like she's losing herself. Tyra asks her to pretend there's something she really wants on the other side of the wall. Jenah says she wants to find herself. Uh-oh. Bad answer. She's going home.
Bianca sucks ass and Tyra has to get up and show her how to pose. Her first 40 shots are painful, but the last 20 are better. Dare I get my hopes up?
Jay gives me a shout-out by telling Sal she looks totally crouching-tiger-hidden-dragon. He also says she's the only one who "used her environment and creativity." What does that even mean?
When they're all done shooting, Tyra wants to take a group shot, the challenge being to stand out with several other models in the same photo. Bianca is all pissed cuz Sal has her bun in Bianca's face. Hee! One might argue that she's doing Bianca a favor...
Back at their pad, Bianca starts ragging that Chantal is "bland" and Sal sucks and makes some crack about "blonde girls." RACIST!
Oh my God. Wednesday night, someone is going to have to come over and PHYSICALLY STOP ME from watching "Crowned." It looks even more dysfunctional than ANTM! Mothers and daughters competing as a team! Meow!
Judging!
Jenah's face is amazing, and her legs go on forever, but she seems to get a big lost in her costume. Which is, of course, Tyra's deliberate metaphor for what's going on inside her. Jenah starts crying that she misses her two little sisters, but at the same time, she wants to win this so she can be someone that her sisters can look up to. Awwwwwwwwww.
Bianca's profile is nice, but her posing is really stiff and awkward. She second-guessed herself throughout the shoot.
Chantal is perfect and brought a real positive attitude to the shoot. She is taking her modeling "to the next level."
Sal looks so amazing in her photo that the judges notice her first and hardly even look at the Great Wall in her photo. I guess that makes Sal the Eighth Wonder of the World. Tyra says that she came to the shoot nervous but put that energy into her work.
I see Bianca and Jenah in the Bottom Two, with Jenah going home. You know how Tyra hates a disappearing model!
In the group photo, the judges all pick their favorite and ooze all over them. As an afterthought, they mention that Bianca looks like "the guy." HA!
The girls leave for deliberations, and Tyra says to the panel that she thought she knew what this elimination would bring, but that the photo shoot changed it all.
Jenah seems to have been "dislodged" from the competition, and they think she gave her "swan song" speech. Nooooooooooo!
Bianca is the least modely. True, she came in with no experience and has come a long way. But has she come far enough?
Chantal is "channeling her inner diva"
Sal is the hands-down favorite and seems to "sparkle" in person and in photos.
Chantal is called first. In addition to her own photo, she's also the only one who gets the group photo because she stands out the most.
Sal is called next, leaving Bianca and Jenah in the Bottom Two. Bianca is very urban but is improving. Jenah gave her swan song. Who will go home.
Husband rushes into the room saying that Bianca is going home, but I know Tyra -- she hates it when models break down, so I think it's Jenah.
HA! Jenah gets her photo! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I've never been so happy to be wrong! Husband makes sure I write down that HE was right.
Bianca interviews that she came in with an attitude but the whole experience humbled her. LIE!!!
Next episode: The finale! Two eliminations, and the crowning of America's Next Completely Forgettable Model! And then the premiere of "Crowned"...
Posted at 08:12 AM | Comments (0)November 29, 2007
"The Girls Go On Go-See Adventures "
Previously on "America's Next Top Model," Wenchie came terrifyingly close to losing her favorite, Heather, while Tyra and Husband fought a cage match over their shared favorite, Chantal.
Here's my predictions for this show. I want Heather to win, but I think it'll be Chantal, and I think Saleisha is going home this episode.
Bianca asks Heather what she was thinking when she was in the Bottom Two because she wants to keep savoring the moment from every angle possible. Chantal interviews that Heather should have gone home instead of Lisa.
Jenah's all pissy because she thinks that the competition has come down to a personality contest, and she, not having one, is at a disadvantage.
Tyra Mail! Go-sees.
The girls start at PT Models Shanghai with Susan Yung. PT is my shorthand for paper towels on my shopping lists.
Heather is worried because she knows that she doesn't make good first impressions. Jesus, does Jenah ever brush her hair?
The girls get a translator, a chauffered car and six hours to see five designers.
The first designer thinks that Sal is "so dull." Ha!
Chantal livens things up by wearing hot pink pant