Previously on "America's Next Top Model," Sharaun was an arrogant 'tard -- an arrotard -- and got sent home for it. And rightly so.

The girls fuss and coo over Marjorie's digital art -- digitart -- while secretly plotting her death. I'm assuming. Meanwhile, Nikeysha talks to damn much.

Tyra Mail! "Don't get it twisted." "Bend over backwards." Even if he wasn't in the previews last week, we'd know it was twisted, backwards, freak-of-nature Benny Ninja. When was it decided that he was a show staple? I don't recall being consulted...

Benny tells the girls to think outside the box while posing, but also to think inside the box. My, what cleverness! There's a girl! In the box! Named Bree! Bree-in-the-box! Oh, I never tire of Tyra's antics!

Bree is a model and... "entertainer." So -- hooker, I presume. Wow, a tranny and a hooker! Tyra is like Jesus!

The girls have to pose inside sheer fabric tubes. Sheena brings the hootch. That girl can hootch from inside a fabric tube. Now that's talent! But Benny and Bree love Sheena, while hating Nikeysha, and pretty much everyone else. Hootch wins the day!

Tyra Mail! "Learn your lesson?" "In the bag." Lauren Brie thinks it's some kind of challenge with... posing. No, Lauren, it's Italian cooking. OF COURSE, IT'S ABOUT POSING, YOU DIM-WITTED TWAT! YOU WERE JUST POSING!!!

*pant* *pant* *pant* *compose*

The girls are in the pool playing Truth or Dare. Wow. It took them three and a half minutes to all go completely lezbo. Awesome! Someone dares Clark to kiss Elina.

Reminder -- Clark is the bitchasaurus from Smallsdale, Thedeepsouth. Elina is the bi-sexual vegan, who doesn't mind snacking on a fish taco once in a while. So it's not so much Clark kissing Elina as it is Elina sexually assaulting Clark. After which, Elina says she felt fireworks?

Really? Fireworks? From a uptight, cold fish? I don't care how hott she is -- bitches like her have sex with men. In the missionary position. In the dark. On Christmas and their anniversary. And that's it.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the pool, Hannah is clearly even more sexually repressed than Clark, who will at least give her boyfriend a handjob with a towel. She admits to being intimidated by all the sex talk.

Someone dares Isis to... I don't know, do water ballet. So she dances around and gets too close to Hannah, who shoves her away in a pretty aggressive manner.

Later on, in one of the bedrooms, Sheena and Brittney call her on it, but instead of calmly telling her that her behavior was unacceptable, they just get catty and gang up on her. In her defense, she pulls out the "typical white girl" defense, which TOTALLY pisses me off because a) don't be talking for me, you ignorant hick; and b) I have never shoved a black tranny.

Meanwhile Isis needs to give herself one of her hormone injections, and she asks Analeigh to distract her while she does it. I guess it takes a while to get all the dosage into her because she sits with that needle in her thigh for quite a while. Ow.

Analeigh is goofy and adorable and really sweet to Isis. It's a bonding moment. *tear*

The girls are taken to some dumpy, little theater with Benny Ninja and Tarina Tarantino. Her accessories... well, let's just say that I would never wear them. They look like something you could get out of a gumball machine. They're even too tacky to look good on Barbie. Oh my God, don't anyone buy me any of this crap for my birthday.

The girls must pose with one of her purses and be creative and whatnot. The prize is one of her purses filled with a bunch of her jewelry. Whoop-dee-shit. I might give you four bucks for the lot at a garage sale.

Isis is nauseated from her hormone injection, but she sucks it up and doesn't mention it to anyone. She tries really hard, but Tarina doesn't like her use of her toes.

Nikeysha totally screws it up by announcing, as she walks onto the set, that she has to pee. Classyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. But it's Sheena that fares the worst as she puts her ankles behind her ears and places the purse smack dab in the middle of her crotch. I hope that's not the same purse they are giving to the winner.

Tarina rates all the girls and rags on Sheena for not showing respect to the product. Elina wins because she was interesting and gave good face. Frankly, her posing wasn't all that great. I think she just sucked the least.

And this is where I loose time. Apparently, I miss a whole photo shoot with a hot air balloon.

...

Judging! It appears that, this season, instead of a big afro or flower boa, Miss J is wearing a big-ass, ghetto necklace with the number of girls left each week. And Tyra actually pointed it out, like we are all at home wondering, "What stupid, tacky-ass gimmick is Miss J going to come up with this season?"

Tarina is guest judge.

Analeigh... I miss what they say about her because Husband is actually talking at me.

Sam looks full-figured in her photo. Tyra tells her, "Shiney fabric is not your friend." Hannah's body has great angles, but her face doesn't cut it. Heh. I could've told them that.

Nikeysha is too thin in her photo. And in real life. TOO THIN! A MODEL! Tyra said they had to re-touch her photo to put some meat on her limbs. Jeebus, have a fucking sammich. Lauren Brie looks like a beautiful, brown-down doll. And AGAIN, I don't know how this fish-faced broad keeps taking awesome photos.

McKey looks like the love-child of Poison Ivy and The Joker. Hee! The judges are nerds! Clark looks like she could work in Europe. So basically -- Eurotrash.

Isis has confidence and looks sexy. Marjorie's photo looks like she has no nose, but the judges love how she's a chameleon and can change her look so dramatically with just a wig.

They think that Elina looks like Angelina Jolie, and I think that's like saying that someone looks like Marilyn Monroe -- there's just no fucking way.

Nigel calls Sheena's posing "Victoria's Secret-ion," and I laugh so loud that Daisy starts barking upstairs. Paulina asks her if her breasts are fake, and she says No. I'm not buying it, and neither are the judges. They look ridiculous in her photo.

Brittney looks very pretty, like a high-end catalogue model. So, like, Coach? Joslyn is effortlessly fabulous and strong.

Tyra excuses the girls to the holding dank while they deliberate, but before they go, Sheena asks to come speak to the judges. Immediately, Tyra's hackles go up, and I brace myself for something awesome.

But it's only Sheena coming forward to tell the panel what we all already know -- that the titties are fake. Something dumb she did and reguets, blah, blah, blah. Tyra switches into "The Tyra Show" mode and applauds her for coming forward and telling the truth.

Deliberations!

Analeigh is intersting. Yeah, I like her. Sam has potential but needs a pixie-cut makeover. Miss J fake-cries in a creepy imitation of things to come. Hannah is... earnest. Awwwwww, poor Hannah.

They dis Nikeysha. In contrast, they declare that Lauren Brie's photo is in the Top Five Ever On ANTM. Sheena had her Tarina handbag in her crotch, and they can't even get over that to discuss her photo. Hee!

McKey has potential. Clark needs a scrub down. And I know a lezbo-vego who'd love to do the honors! Isis is falling apart, and it shows in her dreadful photo.

Marjorie is fantastic. Elina is more advanced than the other girls. Brittney has not proven that she is high-fashion. Joslyn is, again, effortless.

Tyra calls the girls and gives them their photos. The first girl called and this week's "digitart" is Lauren Brie. God, I'm just not seeing it!

Also called -- Elina, Joslyn, Marjorie, McKey, Sam, Sheena (who is visibly shocked as hell to be called), Hannah, Clark, Brittney and Analeigh.

Nikeysha and Isis are in the Bottom Two. Isis better not go home!

Nikeysha's film is mediocre, which she argues and can't shut her damn mouth and Tyra is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO over her! Isis started out on top and has slid down to the bottom. Is she a good model with one bad photo, or a bad model with one good photo? Ohhh, you're makin' Mama Tyra need a drink!

Isis stays! YAY! Must like Tyra picking a plus-sized model as the winner last season because she was tired of taking photos with skinny bitches, she wants to keep a fellow tranny around to keep her looking more feminine.

Nikeysha goes, "I guess I'll be an anesthesiologist." HAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! You go, girl! And take those tacky shoes with you! She keeps running her mouth over the end credits. Okay, now that's funny.

Next week -- MAKEOVERS!!!! I wish I could watch that one with Billi. It's always my favorite!

September 05, 2008

More of "The Notorious Fierce Fourteen"

Back at their Ty-rrific house, the girls find gifts of clothing. "Model staples" like shoes, skinny jeans and black dresses.

Tyra Mail! "Fashion is not the only way to make a start." Or something. Translation: The girls have an election-issues-themed shoot with Mike Rosenthal. I love how Tyra keeps trying to make modeling relevent.

Marjorie is Immigration. Hee! Brittney is The Military. Clark is Bureaucracy, only she doesn't know what that word means. Hee!

Clark asks a couple girls who are as clueless as she is, and then she asks McKey. The look on McKey's face clearly says that she knows, but McKey tells her, "I'm not telling you." HA! Clark gets all pissy and indignant. I'm thinking that she doesn't know what Hypocrisy means, either.

Hannah is Nuclear Weapons. This is hilarious! I'm gonna bet that a hefty majority of these girls have never cracked a newspaper, let alone darkened the doorstep of a voting booth.

Isis is Privacy. There are other girls in the shot, behind the voting booth, in shadow. I think most of the girls are sympathetic to Isis, but somehow, the three picked to be behind her for the shoot are not fans. They cruelly heckle Isis the entire time.

But Isis doesn't take the bait. She merely says, "C'mon, ladies, don't do that," and continues to pose her ass off. I love her.

Sheena is Energy. And right outta the box, Jay tells her, "Don't make it hootch. If I see it getting hootchie, I'm going to yell Hootch! That's your signal." God love 'im, Jay can smell a hootchie-mama a mile away.

Jay tells Sharaun that her posing is "convaluted," but she doesn't know what that means. Jeebus H. Fierce-adellic Christ, PICK UP A BOOK, LADIES!!!

Samantha is... I can't read my handwriting. Lauren is Education. Nikeysha is Cloning. Would someone please tell me which political party is running on the Cloning platform? I need to vote for them. A solitary Bruce Campbell is just not enough Bruce for this world.

Tyra Mail! Someone's going home! I've got my list!

At Panel, Tyra gives a lecture on voting... and then segues right into prizes! Elite Modeling Agency, Seventeen Magazine, Cover Girl.

Marjorie's nerves are obvious, but her film was all good, and her photo is "divine."

Sharaun "loves to spread her legs." HA!

Clarks photos are "all the same." Elina is very sexy but "needs more neck."

Nakeysha's legs look awful, and she's got nothing but excuses. Uh-uh, honey -- no one argues with Tyra.

Samantha looks "healthy." Wow. That's kind of a backhanded compliment, no?

Analeigh is "strong."

And there's two girls who are "fierce" and "powerful and proud." But I don't know who they are. Husband was talking at me while I was watching and taking notes. What was he thinking?!?!

There was no discussion of Hannah's photo, only this exchange between her and Tyra:

"Is that a headband?"
"Yes."
"Take it off."
"Okay."
"It's too Gossip Girl."
"I love that show!"
"Oh my God, me, too!"

Weird. Deliberations!

Sheena looks "cute."

McKey's photo is "amazing," but her film "was a mess" until she started with the boxing poses. But she can't always pose like she's about to kick the photographer's ass, so she'd better learn some new material.

Lauren Brie looks like "an angel." I'm not seeing it. I think she's homely. And has a stupid name.

Isis "nails it." The judges whip out their spoons and hot fudge sauce and start eating her up. They say they can see the story behind the photo, and she's just beautiful. And they're right. Ironically, the bitches talking smack to her behind the booth probably helped create the "story" that the judges are now fawning over, so the joke is on them! I love her.

"J'adore Majorie," say the judges. As do I.

Elina takes a great photo.

Samantha needs a boy haircut to make her edgey cuz she's too commercial. Can't wait for the makeover episode!

Clark has the "worst photo of the bunch." I'm hoping that Clark gets a buzz cut, and then gets sent home right away. All for naught, little bitchy-witchy!

Joslyn is... good, I guess. I wasn't paying attention. Hannah is "a mess."

Sheena has "a rockin' body." McKey is "a knock-out."

Isis is "fantastic." The judges all agree that "she's a model." And more importantly? She's "smart." I'll bet Isis has read a book or two.

The girls are called back in to get their photos. As a new twist, the first girl called will get her photo digitally displayed on a screen in the house, so she can rub all the other girls' noses in it all week. And it's Marjorie! Wheeeeeeee!

Isis is called second. And everyone is called but Sharaun and Nikeysha because Sharaun is an idiot, and Nikeysha has already given up.

But Nikeysha gets her photo because arrogance is just bad manners, and Sharaun stupidly displayed hers in front of Nigel. Tsk tsk, Sharaun. She leaves sobbing.

I love it when the conceited chicks get their comeuppance.

Next week: Benny Ninja. Ick.

September 04, 2008

"The Notorious Fierce Fourteen"

This episode could also be called "The Bane of Uncle Twitchy's Existance." Yes, it's that time of year again. The machine that is "America's Next Top Model" comes to life for Cycle 11 to crank out another nobody who will be yesterday's news before the happy-tears even have time to dry.

A Tribue to Tyra's Limited Vocabulary

1. fierce-tastic
2. fierce-alicious
3. fierce-abulous
4. fierce-icity
5. fierce-acadabra
6. fierce-aful
7. fierce-errific

Enough already.

Thirty-three semi-finalists are in L.A. to be whittled down to fourteen.

Says Hannah from Fairbanks, Alaska, "Alaska is so different from L.A." Hannah's clear grasp of the obvious is, unfortunately, her only good attribute, as she is a homely, little thing.

Oh, holy shit. The Js are in platinum hair and silver jackets. I'm in fag-hag heaven! According to Tyra, the theme of Cycle 11 is The Future. Of which these girls have none. Tease!

The girls don bodysuits and patent leather character shoes, the likes of which Mary Poppins wore. And wore better than these no-class skanks, I might add. We are introduced to the Token Vegan-Lesbian Elina, who looks angry all the time, probably because she can't eat bacon; The Token Mormon; and The Token Asian Sheena, who is the most ghetto Asian chick I've ever seen in my life.

ANTM-tastic Quote: "I know how to have class and be sophisticated."

Miss J judges the girls' walks, all of which are beneath contempt. Then they introduce the girls to The Glaminator, which is a silver outhouse from a cheesy sci-fi movie, and tell them that each girl will go in and come out with a makeover.

ANTM-tastic Quote: "I didn't know they had that technology!"

Suddenly, The Glaminator goes crazy, and -- to the shock and awe of no one, except the 33 nitwits in the room -- out pops Tyra in a Miracle Bra, tap pants, leg warmers and a silk shrug. Truly boobalicious.

Oh my God. She addresses The Js as Alpha J and Beta Jay. I wonder how Miss J got to be the Alpha? He is clearly The Catcher in that pairing!

We get snippets of the girls interviewing in front of Tyra and The Js. One girl (I forget who) brings her lucky panties. Dear God, I hope she washed them. Analeigh was accidentally sold to a Saudi prince, but was rescued or something. And one can see how that happened cuz she's dumb as a baggie of fingernail clippings.

Says Clark, "I'll manipulate a girl with no problem if it gets me what I want." I guess The Token Girl Who Everyone Hates is white this year. And then she claims to be "strong." Because Total Fucking Bitch = Strong. Of course.

Marjorie is from Marsailles, France, but I love her despite her being a stinky frog. She's so cute! She reminds me of Audrey Tautou from that movie "Le Fabuleux destin d'Amelie Poulain."

The Token Mormon's parents checked her into a lockdown facility as a teenager when they discovered that she was having sex with her then-boyfriend. I wish I could remember which one she is!

Isis was in the "homeless shoot" from last season as one of the background runaways. She was "born in the wrong body" and is a pre-op tranny. But I'm not even going to mock her because she's less tranny than other girls I've seen on this show. Including half of the judges' panel.

Okay, maybe just once -- Guy-sis! Hee!

The girls all grill Isis and then spread the word amongst the others.

Sheena is from Harlem. Tyra thinks she's another Kimora Lee Simmons, in looks and attitude. God help us.

Lindsey is a plus-size model, but Tyra says she's not big enough. Man, I'd love to have Lindsey's problems. "Honey, you're gorgeous and perfectly-proportioned, but there's just not enough cake in your diet."

Hannah didn't have electricity or running water, growing up in Alaska. Isn't that child abuse?

Nikeysha has auditioned for ANTM over 30 times. She'd go to three different casting calls for each season. Or wait -- was that Joslyn? Oh, who cares.

Elina, the Lezzie-Veggie, dresses in only black and only wears pants. She doesn't like her clothing to be gender-specific. Oh great. She's fun. Gee, do you think modeling is going to entail wearing any gender-specific clothing? Can't we get Kim back, that cute lesbian from a couple seasons ago?

Whitney's Cover Girl commercial! She looks amazing! And I think they upped the production value because this one isn't as cheesey as the commercials with past winners. Husband comes out of his office to drool because he luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuvs himself some booty-licious blonde!

And speaking of commercials, I'd like to go on record -- and I think I speak for everyone here when I say -- 90210 did NOT define my generation.

One of the girls pulls a cutlet out of her bra and throws it at Tyra. Miss J wears it on his head. Yes, class abounds.

The English Lit major from Harvard has read fewer books than Tyra.

The Js are now in hot pink spandex tops. They are faggo-rific! And silver pants! Hee! While the girls put on metallic cobalt blue catsuits for a photoshoot with big, silver balls.

After the photoshoot, they are whittled down to the final fourteen: Sheena the Ghetto Asian, Analeigh the Saudi Purchase, Nikeysha, Marjorie the Frog, Lauren Brie the Alien, Brittney the African-American-Native-American, McKey the Martial Artist (was she also Token Mormon?), Sharaun of the Lucky Panties (that's the one), Hannah Plain and Tall, Isis, Clark TTGWEH, Samantha the Unremarkable, Elina the LezVeg, and Joslyn.

The girls take a bus to their new crib, and some take a dip on the pool.

ANTM-tastic Quote: "The magic of tape!" -- Isis

Some of the girls are being really sweet to Isis, but Clark is off talking smack about her to Hannah, who says that there are no trannies in Alaska. I am so tired of hearing about what Alaska doesn't have.

Did I mention that the season premiere is a two-hour show? Well, it is. More tomorrow, bitches!

August 27, 2008

Parts 'n' Hooters

Ah, my minions. Much has happened in the 843 days since my last post. We're almost done building the mission church, and BoBo's cubs are all healthy and growing fast.

Enh, who cares about that shit. America's Next Top Model Season 11 starts next week Wednesday! Here's a fun game to play:

Remember that old Sesame Street song? "One of these things is not like the others; One of these things just doesn't belong!" Look through the photos of the new meat and guess which one of them used to have meat!

That's right, models! Now Tyra isn't the only she-male on the show! There's a transsexual in the bunch!

Not sure of the difference between a transvestite and a transsexual? Well, a transvestite is a person who dresses up as the opposite sex, but keeps all their parts and may or may not be gay. A transsexual is someone who gets their original parts surgically replaced with the opposite parts. And I'm not talking about McNuggets here, folks!

(Or wait. Am I...?)

Who said my blog is for entertainment purposes only? We learned something today, boys and girls!

Anyhoo, this means I'm going to have to renew my commitment to blogging recaps of the ANTM episodes. That's gonna be hard, what with me working an excruciating 24 hours a week now!

And speaking of work, there's been more fall-out from The Hooters Incident, as it has come to be known. I brought baked goods to work today, of which Official Title partook.

And then. After eating the fruit of my labor. He dared to ask Rose, "Did Wenchie really work at Hooters?"

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And the bitch was laughing so hard, she didn't even correct him!

OH!!! MY!!! GOD!!!

I can see that this is going to take more than cookies to correct. I may have to bake a big cake. And then jump out of it.

May 15, 2008

"And the Winner Is..."

This finale of "America's Next Top Model" brought to you by Sue, who TiVoed it for me because I had Movie Night at my house Wednesday night and couldn't watch or tape the episode when it aired.

Previously... well, if you don't know, don't even bother reading this. The remaining three are Whitney, Fatima and Anya.

Or as Tyra would say, effervescent and ethereal Anya, full-figured and amazing Whitney, and strong Fatima who missed a photo shoot.

Anya is excited and believes in herself. After growing up in a shack with no running water, Fatima wants the world to see her as beautiful. (Boy, you'd think, living like that, she would have turned out less... superficial.) Whitney has gotten really close with Anya and wants them to be the Final Two.

Mona Tyra Mail! The girls have to memorize their lines for a Cover Girl commercial. They are all grateful that it'll be in English this time, and so is all of Italy.

Jay greets them in front of the Colusseum. In addition to the Cover Girl mascara commercial, they'll also get a print ad will be will featured in WalMart and on a billboard in Time Square.

Oh, and Saleisha is there.

Anya is teary-eyed with nervousness, and Jay gives her a pep talk, telling her that she "has the look," so all she has to do is be herself. Awwwwwww, I love it when he's sweet. It's so rare.

Whitney tells Saleisha that she's the first plus-sized model to make it this far, and Sal starts to say something nice, but they are interrupted by the disturbing sight of Anya weeping. She doesn't want to fail and really wants to be in the Final Two.

In front of the camera, Jay gives Fatima directions to be conversational. But when she starts saying her lines, she's "just plowing through them." He then calls her "robotic" and "not human." HA!

Whitney is adorable, and Jay eats her up with a side of BBQ sauce. Anya's "wonderful energy" saves her goofy performance because she's so "relatable." And I think the word relatable was used 37 times in this episode.

Then it's time to shoot the will-be print ad. Whitney is fabu. Fatima thinks that she herself is relatable to lots of young women, probably because so many young women are East African refugees. Anya "models from her toes up."

Mona Tyra Mail! Judging! At Panel, Tyra calls them "the top three baddest chicks." It's so cute when Tyra tries to relate to the young people.

Paulina says that Whitney's commercial looks like a "Miss America competition" and she's going to "feed poor orphans" after she wins. But the others say that it's her best photo, and she looks "vintage" and "stellar." Tyra particularly likes that she looks like a model and not some actress that Cover Girl hired to pose. Hmmmm, issues much, Ty-Ty?

Nigel says that if Fatima was "selling toothpaste, she'd be fantastic." Paulina does a robot imitation of her. Tyra instructs her in the famous open-eye-squint that we see her do every season. By now, my dogs can "smile with their eyes."

I wanna hear Anya say "last blast" ten times fast with her weird-ass accent. Tyra says that the commercial is a trainwreck, but when she dissects it, it's the best one: honest, natural and charming. Paulina when accusses her of having "no personality" and looking "stupid."

You know, Paulina is almost as much of a bitch as Janice, but without the pizazz.

Deliberations!

This isn't Anya's best photo, and they think the competition is getting to her. Fatima wants it so badly that it has taken control of her mind. Whitney is amazing, but they feel that she's covering something up.

Nigel will be shooting the "Seventeen" cover that the winner will appear on.

The two finalists, who will walk in a Versace fashion show in gowns hand-picked for them by Donatella (the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?), are...

Anya is called, and Whitney and Fatima both start crying. Whitney is stunning, "but who is Whitney?" Fatima gives great face, but modeling is also about taking direction. Tyra calls WHITNEY because of her potential.

Fatima thanks Tyra, who tells her that she is "more than her story." Whatever that means. Fatima "feels new" and wants to start her life all over again.

Anya says that Whitney's fear and crying was beautiful. Whitney says that she grew up with mean girls and their backhanded compliments. "You're not really that fat..."

Nigel shoots the girls' cover shots for "Seventeen"'s July cover. It's all jeans and t-shirts and red, white and blue. We get an adorable montage.

The Versace fashion show is in a big church, where Jay is going for an Imperial Roman feel, with Saleisha and male "eye candy."

Whitney bemoans the fact that she has "been on the chopping block" four times, while Anya never has. Sutan reminds her that she's the "first juicy beauty" to make it this far.

The show starts, and Jay encourages them to "stomp it to the death." The judges make their entrace via the runway. Miss J is wearing, some sort of gold tiara that Roman women used to wear. Paulina is in leopard print. Tyra is... just friggin' HOTT. I'll bet she's wearing Versace.

Out of the gate, Anya is perfect, and there's only one word for Whitney -- BOO-YAH! Next pass, Whitney is wearing some hot pink gown that's short in the front and long in the back. It's very Barbie. Anya is in a silver gown with butt-cleavage and having trouble walking.

Panel! There's no guest judge. Not even Jay. Which is a travesty.

Seeing Anya on the runway, the judges are surprised that she wasn't as strong as they thought she'd be. Whitney delivered. "BAM!" Tyra had a flashback to... herself, of course. But Whitney didn't pose at the end of the runway.

As they look at the girls' portfolios, I can't help but notice that Paulina is wearing a tiara and a bun, which makes her look like an aged ballerina. Gag.

Deliberations!

Whitney: "Power," "energy," "alive," "presence," "ham," "juicy," "stuck." Juicy ham? Were they deliberating or ordering lunch?

Anya: "Weak," "fell apart," "good angles," "energy."

Anya is more interesting, but Whitney is prettier. Nigel says, "Whitney's the one you want to take to bed, but Anya is the one you'll buy a dress from."

The girls come back, and Tyra calls...

WHITNEY!

Holy shit! I can't believe it! I thought for sure Anya would win! I think it was planned all along because Tyra got tired of taking photos with the skinny bitches.

Anya says that she will have a good cry but she's so proud of herself.

Whitney says that she hated being judged as a kid, so she wants other women to "feel good about themselves and know that they don't have to starve."

And now, I'm going to have a ham sammich.

May 09, 2008

"Ready for My Close-Up"

Previously on "America's Next Top Model," fuzzy hair photo shoot, pussy gladiators, and Kat went home despite being prettier than all the other girls.

Hee! I wrote "pussy gladiators." And I totally meant pussy as an adjective, as in weak and lame, but as a noun, "Pussy Gladiators" sounds like the BEST! PORNO! EVER!

Oh, wait. They already made that. It's called "Xena Warrior Princess."

Okay, focus, Wenchie. You have a recap to write. Whitney, Dominick, Anya and Fatima are left. God help us all. Oh, how I miss Marvita. If Whitney goes home this time, I will cry. And Husband will lose his faith in God.

Whitney has been in the bottom two for two weeks in a row. She is totally stunned that she wasn't sent home last week. She knows she has to be more natural (or perhaps au natural?), but whatever happens, she's glad to be getting the word out about plus sized models. What word? Cheetos?

Anya's not stressing. She just wants to do her best. And world peace. And to bake a chocolate chip cookie for everyone in the world. Does she have a moustache? I think she does.

They come home to find photos of Saliesha plastered all over their house. That's creepy, people coming in and doing shit while they're not home. Also? What's the point?

Dom says that she's "the Saliesha of this competition." Whatev. Go tuck in your junk, tranny.

Fatima is surprised that Dom has made it this far in the competition, and for once, Fatima and I are on the same page. I hope that never happens again. It makes me feel dirty. Whitney agrees and says that Dom is always eating. Oh, PLEASE, God, let Dom have bulimia! I still have ANTM Blue Balls from the Elise-is-too-skinny plot that went nowhere.

Dom thinks she's the most improved, and all the judges agree in a series of flashbacks. Anya keeps winning challenges and is impressed with herself. Fatima wants to win one.

Mona Tyra Mail! Take a picture, you might last longer. Um... isn't that pretty much the whole point?

The girls are taken to a woodsy park, where Paulina is being photographed by some guy who is apparently a big-wig in the modeling world. He's going to teach them the fundamentals of photography so they have a better understanding of modeling. Don't forget to remove the lens cap, Anya!

The girls are given a camera and set loose to take photos of one another. Whitney enjoys seeing "what the other girls' weaknesses are." God, I love her. For some reason, Fatima calls Dom "disrespectful," which is a clear-cut case of The Pot and The Kettle.

For the challenge, the girls will photograph Paulina and will be judged on their photography skills. The winner gets 50 extra frames in the next shoot. Each girl gets 5 minutes to take a great photo.

Anya thinks that Fatima does really well. See? She's a nice girl. I'm surprised the rest of them haven't eaten her, yet. Paulina says of Fatima, "I felt like she was leading me by the hand, and I wanted to take the trip." Hmm. Paulina's been reading too many bodice-rippers.

Paulina wishes for more direction from Dom, who keeps saying, "Hot! Hot!" in a bad Austin Powers impression.

Whitney thinks that she explained her shots and communicated her vision well, and even Dom agrees. Paulina says that Whitney is fun and never hesitates.

Anya is all over the place. She has Paulina throwing leaves in the air and running and jumping and inspecting leaves. Anya totally has ADHD. Paulina kindly says that "Anya needs to narrow her focus a bit." Anya gives direction a la, "You're a fierce tiger!" Hee!

Critiques! Whit had a firm hand (oooooh!) and made sure Paulina had great light. Anya had crazy ideas, only some of which worked well. Fatima gave Paulina the most options. Dom's composition produced "lot of cactus hats" (i.e. Paulina standing in front of plants).

Fatima is the winner. Damn. Her first challenge win. Now she'll be impossible to live with.

Back at the house, Fatima is practicing her runway walk, while Dom tells the other two that Fatima doesn't have anything on her. Whitney and Anya roll their eyes.

Mona Tyra Mail! Something about out for blood, a taste of fame. From this, the girls deduce that they'll be posing with guys for the next shoot. Well, they're right, but I have no idea how they came to that conclusion.

The girls have a night shoot, and Jay explains the theme. The girls will be 50s-esque movie stars with their sexy male arm candy, running from the papparazzi. Nigel will be their photographer, and we are reminded that Fatima gets 50 extra frames.

Okay, why can't we see more of Sutan, the stylist? He's so awesome and funny. We need more of him. I'll be making t-shirts. MORE SUTAN!

Nigel tells them that they will be acting, not just posing. Fatima has never had a boyfriend so she "can't be sexy around guys." Or at all, really.

Jay wants Anya to be "effortless," but he had to distract her in order to get a good photo. Look, Anya, something shiney!

Fatima is glad she has 50 extra frames for her shoot. Jay says, "Yeah, she might need them." Fatima keeps looking away from the camera. She probably keeps forgetting that she does show up on film. And in mirrors, even!

Whitney's up next. Too posey, too posey, too posey. Jay rolls his eyes and tells her to interact with her man-candy. And then he says, "Oh, your booty looks great!" Which one of them was he talking to? Whitney confesses, "I don't feel like it was my best shoot. But I looked really pretty!" Awwwwwwww, sure you did, honey.

All Jay can say about Dom is that she took "a few steps back."

Then he says, "Y'all need to go back and bring the spirits back in. It didn't come to set today for anybody." Ooooh, seance! I'll get the candles!

Back at the ranch, Anya is bummed, and all the girls are stressed. It's pretty much up-for-grabs who could be going home. Even Dom is blissfully silent.

Panel! What is with Miss J's glitter eyebrows? Seriously. Did he burn his off in a home-perm accident or something?

Anya is in a mini skirt, and her legs are FABULOUSLY long! She looks like Madonna in her photo, what with the red lips, dark eyebrows and platinum hair. Who's that girl? Tyra thinks it's the best photo of her, but Nigel reminds them that it was an accident. Paulina adds that she's not focused but very fresh and energetic.

Whitney is "gorgeous but stiff." She found it hard to get into character. She wasn't acting, just modeling.

Dom is sporting another terrible outfit. Her photo is so tranny that there's an audible gasp from the panel when it comes on screen. Paulina says, "This is a transvestite. I'm sorry." I don't really think she's sorry.

Fatima looks too pretty, like a Cover Girl, but not like a surprised movie star.

The Cover Girl of the Week is Whitney! YAY!

Deliberations!

Anya lucked into her photo because she naturally "oozes glamour." Tyra says she has "eyes like a kitty cat." And I'm immediately transported to Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman's scene with Vince Vaughn in "Wedding Crashers."

Fatima is so beautiful, but "the idea of the photo has escaped her." The Panel also doesn't like the way she talks over everyone and can't take criticism or direction. Nigel calls her "snooty." Said the Pot to the Kettle!

Whitney's photo is stunning. The guest judge from Seventeen says that Whitney has to "own her sexiness." Which goes against EVERYTHING the other judges have been telling her for two months.

For Dom, Miss J does his best tranny-voice and says, "Cover Girl covers up the man in you!"

Tyra calls... Anya and Whitney! WHOO-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! That means the bitches are in the bottom two! This can only end for the betterment of humanity!

Tyra tells Fatima that she's there because she won 50 extra frames, and her photo still sucks. And? She doesn't listen. Dom's photo was "too strong," which is code for TRANNY.

The photo Tyra has left in her hand is Fatima's because I guess a snooty, stupid girl is better than a girl who isn't a girl at all. Fatima apologizes to Tyra and is totally freaked and crying. Let's hope she has learned a bit of humility.

Dom goes home all smiles talking about "an amazing opportunity" and "a blessing." Then she talks about herself in the third person and says, "Life goes on for Dom." Oh, how I hate that.

Next episode: FINALE!!! There's a high-stress Cover Girl mascara commercial for the final three, and a high-fashion runway show for the final two. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!

May 03, 2008

"We Are Spartans!"

Dude. The long-turned-to-ash bones of the 300 just collectively rolled over in their hastily-dug graves. C'mon. My mom is more of a Spartan than these biotches.

This is the description for this episode of "America's Next Top Model:"

The models train like gladiators for a challenge and the winner receives a shopping spree in Rome; and Tyra directs the photo shoot in a Roman castle.

Why do these losers get to live my ideal life while I have garage sales and deliver lunches to shut-ins?! It's not FAIR! Someone's going to have to dress-up like a gladiator with me and take pictures. I need more rich friends. I have no castle access. This sucks.

Fine, I'll quit bitching and do the damn recap.

But not before I show you this photo of Tyra, Jaslene and Claire. Doesn't it look like Claire could fit Jaslene's entire head in her mouth? And why is loser Claire allowed to hang around with Tyra and Jaslene? Shouldn't she be off breast-feeding her baby?

You know what's really fun? Go to The Superficial and do a search on Tyra Banks. There is a whole world of crazy there! And then do Janice Dickinson! INSANITY!

Okay, I'm recapping this time for reals.

Previously on ANTM, Fatima got sick, the girls sickened everyone with their Italian commercials, but Lauren made us the most sick and went home.

Whitney makes the excuse that she comes across fake because she's nervous.

Fatima, on the other hand, claims to be "a natural" and "improving," which "bothers the other girls." She also says that the judges were "dead on" when they said that Kat has no personality, and she adds that Kat "should be an accountant."

Suddenly, Whitney's fakeness doesn't seem so bad...

Mona Tyra Mail! Something about "fight with the masses so you can pose with the classes." No idea what that means. She should stop with the rhyming. Her normally inarticulate sentences make even less sense when she tries to be clever.

The girls go to some ancient ruins where there are gladiators battling. One is a female gladiator, and I suddenly feel dainty and willowy. Fatima is scared, but Whitney is like, "Awesome!" See? This is why I love her, fakeness and all.

The fighters are from the Gladiator School of Rome. Holy. Fucking. Shit. That is the coolest thing I have ever heard of! It's so cool, I've lost my mind and am putting prepositions at the end of sentences!

Dom says she hopes she gets to battle Whitney. And then she's all, "Kidding! I have nothing against her." Boy. Talk about fake.

The girls go change into their outfits, which I'm sure Miss J picked out for them. They're totally Red Sonia. (Which, by the way, there is a remake of in progress, and if there is a God, Milla Jojovich will play the title role.)

The girls faux-fight and learn some stuff. Jay is all, "Be strong! More attitude!" These are the wussiest girls ever. I've seen red-shirts on the original Star Trek show more moxie than these yabbos.

To the surprise of no one... except the girls, they will be doing a photo shoot RIGHT THEN! Doing fighting poses with a huge gladiator. Each girl only gets five shots.

Whitney is HOTT, holy crap. Dom quips that Whitney "looks like Xena's sidekick." Okay, first of all, I wish Gabrielle were here to hear Dom call her a "sidekick." She would so deliver the smackdown on Dom. Secondly, no. Whitney does not look like Gabrielle. Case closed.

Fatima is afraid of the gladiator guy because... this is an actual fight to the death in an uncontrolled environment with a real trained killer? Or something? She's wearing a metal breastplate, but it kind of loses its appeal when there's nothing to put in it. She keeps doing the same crappy pose over and over, and even when Jay warns her to do something different on her last frame, she doesn't. So she sucks.

Dom decides to stand out from the pack by... posing like a ballerina. It's the gayest thing I've ever seen. Even Jay is nonplussed.

And then Whitney coins the term "gladiatrix," cementing my undying love for her. Don't be jealous.

Anya does all the poses and moves she was taught by the gladiators, like a good, little girl. Kat looks "weak." Whitney does awesome and is "unafraid." Fatima forgets that the camera actually needs to see her body. Dom looks pretty (according to Jay, not me) but forgets about the action.

The girl with the best photo gets 1,000 euros (approx. $1,556) to go on a shopping spree in Rome. Whitney wins! YAY!!! Jay tells her she can go alone and use all the money herself, or she can bring a friend and share. So Whitney brings Anya! They're so cute! They come home with TONS of bags and even remembered to bring some sour grapes for the other girls.

Mona Tyra Mail! Something about "a thing of the past." They're going to experience Tyra's modeling career? No, they're going to pose in a 600 year old castle, but it's not like Camelot or anything. Looks like it could be pretty much any fancy house.

The vision for the shoot is "a modern interpretation of the Renaissance." I want the girls to spell Renaissance. That should be their challenge.

Tyra walks in with her camera and announces, "Mama's in charge!" God, I hate it when she calls herself Mama. It's so creepy. Can't she just collect dolls or adopt abandoned cats to fulfill that urge?

The girls are worried about impressing Tyra because they know that all the other judges on the Panel are just for show.

Kat goes first, and Tyra keeps telling her that she wants "exaggerated poses with elongated limbs." But Kat keeps doing "Walk Like an Egyptian." Way to impress, Kat!

The first thing Tyra tells Dom is, "Don't be Cruella DeVille." HA! You know, if that's Tyra's reaction right outta the gate, why the hell is Dom still in this competition? Dom does basically the same poses that Kat did, only Tyra loves it. Wait. Is Tyra sleeping with Dom?

Dom comes back to the holding pen from her shoot and is all about verbally patting herself on the back. The other girls ignore her and roll their eyes.

I notice that Tyra and Jay are in the same shot alot, critiquing the girls together. I don't think I've ever seen that before, so I assume it's to dispell the rumors that they are fighting and Jay might leave the show.

Fatima says, "So Dom can pose. Am I worried? Not at all." She does great and earns the compliment "prima ballerina" from Tyra. Anya, too, gives good poses and understands angles.

Mona Tyra Mail! Panel. One of these bitches is going home. Please, God, let it be Dominick or Fatima. Tyra welcomes them all into the room with "Bon soir!" Opps. Wrong country, Tyra. Sue says that Tyra is Pentecostal, and we need to pause the TiVo so I can stop laughing.

Anya is "100% Italian vogue." Her film is "stunning," and she doesn't need much direction.

Fatima is so "amazing" and "exquisite" that Paula is jealous of the photo.

Dom shows up to panel in an outfit that Tyra calls a "mall outfit" and "restaurant hostess." Hee! But they think her photo is amazing.

Kat is just "not punching through," and her eyes look "sleepy" because she's thinking instead of flirting with the camera. C'mon, Kat, you can't be a model and think! You should know this by now!

They had a hard time picking a good photo for Whitney because she needs to "loose the hootch." Her photos are all tits and ass and Maxim magazine. And the one where her body looks good, she's staring right into the light and looks demented.

Deliberations!

Anya is fabu and just getting better and better, but that baby-talk voice of hers is a real liability. Whitney is better in person that she is in photos, but at least she's interesting. Which is more than we can say for Dominick.

Dom has great bone structure and looks great in photos, but that's only because she's not smiling, so you can't see the deep, cavernous furrows around her mouth. In person, she looks like a life-long smoker.

Fatima's beauty is "in-friggin'-sane." Kat is using her brain too much and her eyes not enough. And I'll bet you my eBay earnings for April that's the first time she's been accused of that.

Chopping block time! "Mama" calls Fatima, Dom and Anya, leaving Whitney and Kat in the bottom two. Oh, no. NOT WHITNEY!!! Kat has the "coveted Eastern European features" but no personality. Whitney is gorgeous and stunning (and has made it much farther than any other plus-sized model, I might add), but she's kind of "stuck" in her photos.

Tyra calls WHITNEY! Kat blows kisses to the Panel and leaves without crying, making a nice I'm-not-going-to-stop-trying exit speech. Very classy.

Next episode: Dom's true colors come to light (they are smog and sallow), and Nigel takes photos of the girls. Oh, please, let Dom piss him off! I wanna see them scratching each others' eyes out!

I just thought of something. Spartans didn't live in Rome.

April 30, 2008

"The Girl Who Marks Her Territory"

Ew. Nice title. Although -- having watched this particular group of girls for many weeks now -- not very difficult to imagine.

Anyhoo, this recap will not drone on and on like they usually do because I was at Sue's and too busy making catty remarks to her to put much down on paper. Also? There was pizza. Bacon and tomato pizza. And chocolate cake.

Unfortunately, she's not as free with the boob-showing as Heather is, so the evening was just shy of perfect.

Previously, on "America's Next Top Model," the universe collectively lost interest in seeing any of these girls succeed at anything ever. Dominick, Anya, Fatima, Whitney, Kat and Lauren jetted off to Rome.

Dom is looking forward to going to the museums in Rome because they "preserve their old stuff." How appropo. Anya prepares to finally set foot in Rome... and proceeds to fall out of the van. Awesome. Whitney's obsessed with her size and can't stop talking about it. As if we were going to forget that she's the only one with boobies!

Tyra Mail! Oh, Lord. Now Tyra fancies herself the likeness of the Mona Lisa. Save us all. Around the corner is the girls' new home, under the flag of Rome. Well, I hope that's the name of the building they'll be staying in because these sharpies couldn't pick the flag of Rome out of a two-flag line-up with the other flag had the golden arches on it. Their house has fountains and art and a pool and a garden. I hate these bitches.

Fatima gets sick, and sensing her weakness, Dom immediately starts ripping on her. Hee! And then Anya interviews that people only do that kind of thing to "feel better about themselves." Double Hee!

Anya is sleeping in the same bed at Fatima, which is dumb because Fatima probably has some weird African flu that no one here has so we don't know how to treat it. Lauren is being way too loud, way too early. I hope she's making all that noise looking for her hairbrush. God, doesn't she ever brush her hair?

Mona Tyra Mail! Something about "roll," so Anya exclaims, "A river!" The other girls, who have apparently never cracked a book and read the cliche "rolling river," call her "so blonde."

In the piazza, some pimp named Claudio gives them all Segues to tool around Rome on. The see shops of famous designers (pretty much like right here on Michigan Ave.) and some totally staged "examples of Italian fashion."

Some "designer" named Gai Mattiolo is involved in some challenge where the girls have to get an Italian make-over and portray the best embodiment of Italian fashion. I don't know why they bother. Italians should only wear aprons. While cooking me food.

Fatima looks "elegant" but "not fresh." I don't know what they say about Kat. Anya looks "blonde, skinny and fresh." Are those critiques, or just observations? Whitney looks "so American." I'm sure that's an insult. Lauren: "nice legs, bad walk." Anya wins for looking the least American. Whitney is jealous.

Mona Tyra Mail! "Facile, brezza, bella, Cover Girl!" Lauren's all, "I'm so not a Cover Girl." Well, duh.

Here I wrote, "Lauren sleeping on Dom. Jay! Hair blue?" One can only guess.

The girls will be whoring Vibrant Hues Lip Color. And why are there pumpkins in the make-up room? Is it... wait, they don't have Halloween in Italy! What the hell is going on?

In the commercial, the girls must walk, use lipstick and speak Italian -- all at the same time!

Everyone laughs at Anya's attempt. I don't know -- that seems like of unprofessional to me. Kat speaks Italian well but is "dull and lifeless." Dom sounds like she's "speaking Chinese." Lauren is so "awkward" and "hard to watch" that the camera crew is dying laughing. Fatima has the best pronunciation, which is like being the best runner at the Special Olympics. Whitney is "fake" and "not believable."

Mona Tyra Mail! Judging! They look at each girl's commercial in turn.

Tyra tells Fatima that she looks like she's "selling sexual chocolate." I'm sure that means something in Tyra's world. Miss J says, "Chil', I'm scared." Because he doesn't like vaginas.

The other judges think that Whitney is "fake from beginning to end," but Tyra likes it. Which blows my mind because Tyra HATES the beauty queen thing.

Someone calls Anya "a piece of dookie." I think it's Tyra. God, she's just so... STOOOOOOO-PID! Tyra, not Anya. Well, yeah, Anya's commercial is lame, but at least she's a nice person.

Dom looks "hootchified." Hee!

Lauren recieves the well thought out critique, "Hell To The No," from Miss J. Written on a piece of paper. Are all the judges drunk?

Kat is "very Italian," "much better" and "being sexy."

Anya is Cover Girl of the week! Take that, Tyra! The people have spoken!

Deliberations.

Fatima can walk and talk at the same time. Let's elect her President! Of the world! Whitney is fake, fake, fake.

Anya IS already a model, they just can't understand her when she talks. Lauren takes good photos, but she's too damn nervous. And doesn't know how to brush her hair!!! GOD!

Kat does quite well, and in proving that she has a personality, was a total snot at Panel. Dom is no Cover Girl, but they enjoyed her commercial, despite the fact that Miss J insists, "She's a brothah."

Tyra calls the girls up for their photos: Fatima (whom she reprimands that there's no sex in a Cover Girl commercial), Kat, Anya and Dom (whom she calls a mess, but they had fun watching her commercial). Leaving Whitney and Lauren in the bottom two.

Whitney takes good photos, and her commercial wasn't horrifying, but the judges see a "phoneyness." (Which is the wrong spelling, I'm sure, but whatever.) Lauren takes strong photos, but she's dreadful on film, and it seems like she's given up.

Given up BRUSHING HER HAIR, that is!

Tyra calls Whitney and tells her she "better get real."

Lauren goes, and Sue says, "'Bye, Horsie!" I pee laughing on her leather couch. Thank God she has a dog and had some Nature's Miracle handy.

Next week: "Mama's in charge!" And a gladiator shoot. This can only be completely surreal. I'm so excited!

April 17, 2008

"For Those About To Walk, We Salute You"

I have NO ideal what this title has to do with this episode.

Previously on "America's Next Top Model," the girls go on designer go-sees, there's a "wet 'n' wild" photo shoot, and Claire gets sent home for being a one-trick pony.

With seven models left, Whitney is glad that, as a plus-sized model, she's still around, and Lauren has realized that she can do this. Stacy knows that she has to step-up her game.

Fatima and Dominick know that they will be "going abroad" soon, and Fatima confesses that she has lost her travel documents. What an idiot. Who loses important shit like that??? She's not a U.S. citizen and only has her green card, so her lawyer is working on getting her new travel documents.

Wait a minute. If she's not a citizen, how can she be America's Next Top Model? I'm just sayin'.

Fatima cries. Whitney looks completely unmoved. Anya gives Fatima a pep talk.

Paula walks in, and the girls scream. She's there to teach the girls "how to best showcase" themselves, in case they're ever randomly in an interview situation. As if that's not a dead giveaway as to what their next challenge is.

In a roll-playing exercise, Stacy is a complete dipshit. Anya asks about Paula's parents, whom Paula says are dead. Hee! Lauren totally chokes. Kat refills her champagne glass, and Paula says, "Thank you, waitress." Hee! Paula's a bitch!

Paula says that many of the girls responded well (the ones we didn't see, apparently) but that all of them had dead eyes. And Dom babbled.

Later, Whitney has the girls making potato pancakes. Lauren is chopping onions and chops through her thumb nail. Ewwwwwww!

Fatima is on the phone with her lawyer, who says that the consulate says her request for travel documents is "too last-minute." The lawyer is worried that she won't be able to get them.

Back in the kitchen, Lauren is keeping pressure on her wound. I guess she chopped off the top of her thumb, ensuring that she'll never be a hand model. In fact, now she'll have to be like Radar from "M*A*S*H" and always pose hiding her thumb.

Lauren goes to the hospital, and Fatima interviews that Lauren is really strong, so if she's going to the hospital, she must be in a lot of pain. Holy shit. Fatima just said something kinda nice about someone.

Lauren misses the big, tacky, gold box that is mysteriously left on the runway for the girls. In it are a bunch of lemons and limes, and a box from "100% natural 7UP." Weird. The girls are going to some 7UP-sponsored event for Jay Godfrey. I wonder if that's Gilbert's brother?

Whitney is worried that it's "not a plus-sized party," so she'll just have to work extra hard. Jay Godfrey sends a rack of his dresses for the girls to wear, and also some stylists. Man, that almost never happens to me.

At the event, Laura Spencer from "Insider" is working the red carpet. Dom forgets the designer's name. Smooth. Lauren says that she should be America's Next Top Model because she can "kick the shit" out of any of the other girls. Classyyyyyyy.

But Whitney is the best. When asked about the pressure of being a plus-sized model, she replies that "the majority of women in America eat regularly," so she really feels she can represent American women. Brilliant.

But then she blows it inside when she's babbling to Nigel and some other guests about Texas. When she walks away, Nigel goes, "What was that about?" Kinda rude of him to talk about the contestants on his show that way, but he's a wanker, so what can ya do.

Outside, Laura Spencer gives her take on the girls. Anya was "poised in charming." Well, compared to her competition, I guess. Dom commited the cardinal sin of not knowing who she was wearing. Lauren needs to "loose the potty mouth."

Anya wins the challenge and gets to shoot an ad for 7UP 100% natural... au natural. She's covered in foliage for the shot, and 7UP gives her $10,000 for the job. Sweet!

Fatima talks to Stacy about steeling herself for bad news about her travel documents, and says that it's distracting her from the competition. Oh, well! That's what happens when you're an irresponsible moron!

And, people? How did this not come up until now??? I'm positive that a valid passport is a prerequisite for the show, since they always, always, always leave the country. Did she just remember that she lost her papers? Did no one check on that before she was allowed to compete? This is such hooey.

Fatima's lawyer gets her a 9:00 a.m. appointment at the New York consulate. She's so lucky.

Tyra Mail! Pack. The girls assume they are going abroad.

At 5:50 a.m., they are on their way to the airport. Fatima is very worried about the fact that her appointment isn't for another three hours. Okay, you can not tell me that this isn't all staged.

Jay is sitting on a private jet in his down jacket and tells the girls that their suitcases are their props for the shoot today. Which they don't even end up using, so I don't know how they were so easily fooled. Oh wait -- yes, I do. It'll be a group shot with the girls running to catch the plane.

Fatima is forlorn. She tells Jay her situation and plays the "refugee" card but wins no sympathy from him. He's all, "Well, I hope you're back in time. We need to be done with the plane by 3:00." He's mad that she waited until now to bring it up.

Lauren is working with a "wound," which actually garners some sympathy from Jay. Stacy is uber-cold, and her eyes keep tearing from the damn wind machine, so she's not selling it. Whitney earns her second beauty-pagaent critique of the episode. Anya can do no wrong. Dom does "remedial posing 101."

It's 12:45, and Fatima has her travel documents.

Jay sends the girls into the hanger to get their luggage, and Panel is set-up right there. Oh, they are so fucking with Fatima! Like remember what that girl found out that her friend died, and the next day, they had to pose in open coffins inside a freshly dug grave? Mean!

Tyra's all, "Where's Fatima?" And Fatima runs in and explains to Tyra. Tyra says that not participating in the shoot is bad because now they have no photo to judge. They'll have to look at her body of work, and when this has happened to other girls in past seasons, the girls have typically gone home.

Tyra then tells all the girls that they will be hopping a flight right after judging, but only six of them will be going. Fatima sobs.

Jay is the guest judge, and his hair totally matches his silver jacket. Eek.

Kat looks like a vintage airline poster. She does poised and conceited very well, Nigel points out.

Lauren's photo is stunning, and she was great at the party, so they can't figure out why she's still a hot mess when she gets in front of Panel.

Dom looks "high-kitch," fun and friendly. And because she's not smiling, you can't see the inch-deep furrows around her mouth. Seriously, people, she's SIXTY. Why is she still in the competition???

http://tv.yahoo.com/americas-next-top-model/show/35130

Stacy was over-the-top at the shoot and fake at the party. Her photo has "too much jaw."

Whitney's photo is the most natural, but the rest of her film is too pagaenty. Oh, she's doomed. Also, she didn't seem real at the party.

Anya was great at the party and "stole the show" at the shoot.

Fatima has no photo.

Hey. Lauren is Cover Girl of the Week. Huh.

Deliberations!

Kat is good, but the judges "keep forgetting about her." Dom is strong and keeps improving. Jay and Paula love Lauren and say that she's great on set.

Whitney has no personality. WHAT?! Crap. She'll be the next to go, I'm sure. Stacy is losing her sparkle. Anya is "secretly doing well." What does that mean?

The judges look at Fatima's body of work. Her homeless photo is their favorite. Her underwear shot on the boat is stiff. She's stunning covered in paint. The meat shot is "whack." Then there's a clip of Shannon, who refused to do the nude photo shoot and didn't go home. Is there hope for Fatima? I hope not.

So who goes overseas, and who stays home? Tyra calls Anya, Lauren, Dom, Kat and Whitney, leaving Stacy and Fatima in the bottom two.

Stacy is beautiful, but they feel like she has plateaued. Tyra is disappointed in Fatima's travel documents shenanigans. But it's Fatima she calls, and Stacy loses to someone with no photo. Ouch!

Tyra says that she hoped Fatima has "learned a lesson in responsibility." Well, no, she hasn't because her lawyer pulled strings and she got to stay in the competition, so basically, she was a retard and suffered no consequences for it.

Fatima hugs Stacy and says to her, "I love you. You're my favorite. You know that."

Stacy bawls her eyes out. I guess being Fatima's favorite is little consolation. But she says that "God has great things for me." I love it when they think that God gives a shit about modeling. 'Cause He's got nothing else on His plate.

Tyra and the panel board their private jet, but she tells the girls they are taking a commercial flight. Hee! To Rome!

Next week: Fatima gets really sick, and we get to watch the girls butcher the Italian language in a Cover Girl commercial!

April 10, 2008

"Top Model 10 Confidential"

I don't know where Tyra gets off calling it "confidential" when "America's Next Top Model" is being broadcast nationwide, but whatever. I don't understand her motives for lots of things.

This episode was billed as:

Never-before-seen footage of the cycle 10 contestants includes the women battling with posing instructor Benny Ninja, New York City firefighters practicing their runway struts, and contestant wrestling matches.

But it was only, like, 50% never-before-seen footage, tops. So I'm only gonna recap the stuff we haven't seen already. Don't blink.

At prep school, in the beginning, Jay leads a class called Expressions 101, where the girls have to make faces in their mirrors. I don't know why they included it. It's as boring as it sounds. Perhaps there is a minimum amount of time Jay has to be in each episode, according to his contract?

We all saw Stacy's lap dance that she performed for Tyra at auditions... in Jay's lap. But apparently, she sings, too. Or... not. She made up some song about ANTM that included the words "my fierce, fierce lips." Believe me, it sounds cooler than it really is.

Whitney confessed to being disappointed in ANTM's past plus-sized models for giving up. Wait -- did we see that before? I can't help but feel this is foreshadowing. The only question is: which bitch will be the one to beat Whitney down?

The girls have a bidet in their bathroom. Huh. Half of them don't know what it's for.

Remember dumb blonde Kim? She doesn't know how to make hot chocolate because her Mommy always made it for her. Amis and Fatima humor her, making them better people than me because I would have punched her in her pug face.

Paula Porzkova? Poriskova? Poritzkova? Whatever. She told Dom, "You look kind of like Robin Wright-Penn, but in a transvestite kind of way." Hee! I think Paula is almost as big of a bitch as Janice! I wish they'd give her more camera time.

Claire drinks her own breast milk, "for the nutrients." She's hoping to sell it for $50 a bottle. What Claire doesn't know is that there are sicko fetishist men out there who would consider that a bargain.

Does anyone remember Atalya?

Allison eats A-I sauce on Jello. Marvita (miss her!!!) calls her, "Hellacrazy." But I can't help thinking that might be kind of good. That salty, tangy on the sweet Jello. Now I'm craving a peanut butter and Dorito sammich.

Dom wants "to be Mother Theresa but in a diva kind of way." Does she even know what that means? Maybe she doesn't know who Mother Theresa is.

Amis breaks three lamps... okay, what the hell is wrong with her? Who goes into a fabulous house that SOMEONE ELSE PAID FOR and breaks shit? No one is that clumsy, okay? That girl was raised by wolves. In a barn.

Marvita apparently walks around naked all the time. Well, honestly, if I had her body, you'd have to put clothes on me by force, while I kicked and screamed. But Stacy says, "Do I have to see all that all the time?" Apparently, Stacy is not comfortable with The Va-Jay-Jay. Hers probably has sand in it.

Then, Miss J makes an entrance coming down a fireman's pole at a fire station because the girls are going to practice their runway walks and get judged by firemen. And I'm thinking there would be some sexual tension in a situation like that, but Miss J just sucks all the heterosexuality out of the room. As proof positive of just that, the firemen show off their runway walks. [Insert awkward, reaching "flaming" joke here.]

Marvita apparently gives great massages. To all the girls in the house. Huh.

Remember the posing show-down with Benny Ninja and his posse of circus freaks? Well, after the girls' Battle of the Posers, the girls and the freaks just started throwing down with the posing. [We SO have to do this at the next Movie Night!]

Anya takes pictures of the other girls, ordering them around in her weird-ass Hawaiin accent.

Marv took a pink guitar from the Swag Tent, remember? Well, it was an odd choice, considering she can't play. But that doesn't stop her from making up songs well after everyone else has gone to bed!

Whitney bakes muffins and stuff for the rest of the girls. Fatima's all gracious and "She's trying to make the rest of us fatter than her." Oh, lighten up and have a damn muffin, Fatima! You're just going to puke it up anyway!

The girls go to a nightclub and start drinking. Unfortunately, no one pukes. But Whitney is all judgemental of them dancing on the leather seats in their stiletto heels and humping each other. I love that she has a modicum of decorum.

Stacy, on the other hand, smuggles a bottle of vodka into the limo. Classyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Just like Heather at the movies!

Seven girls are left: awkward Lauren, sexy Kat, poised Whitney, lovely Stacy, strong Dominick, ethereal Anya and indomitable Fatima.

Please allow me to translate Tyra-speak into English: un-sexy Lauren, Maxim cover Kat, stuck-up Whitney, going-home-next Stacy, tranny Dominick, way-out-there Anya and bitch Fatima.

I wonder what word Tyra would use to describe me?

April 04, 2008

"If You Can't Make It Here, You Can't Make It Anywhere"

Previously on "America's Next Top Stanky Sperm Recepticle," Dom is at odds with everyone on the planet, the girls represent music genres, and Aimee goes home, where no one remembers who she is.

In the jumbo-taxi, Whitney muses that she thinks America is ready for a plus-sized top model. Meanwhile, Dom is all, "Whitney won't win. I intimidate her. Blah blah I'm so strong."

It's the same sad tune we've heard from ALL the cripplingly insecure girls on this show. When, oh when is Mama Tyra gonna make her break down and cry ugly, snotty tears of self-loathing?

By the way, Husband and I now refer to Dominique as Dominick. You watch -- she's gonna whip out a schlong any minute now.

Last week, Claire was on the chopping block, which freaked her out. And when Tyra called her name, instead of sweetly hugging the loser Aimee, she's all "YES!!!" It seemed in poor taste. Even Lauren calls it "disrespectful," and she's the anarchy poster child.

Tyra Mail! The clue is the title of this episode -- don't make me type it again. The girls brilliantly discern that it has something to do with Broadway, so Miss J tosses them each a Milkbone.

And then! What later came to be known as The Great Coffee Incident.

Apparently, Fatima made some coffee and then left the kitchen. Lauren finds the pot, amid the array of discarded dishes, and since it has barely any coffee in it, assumes it's just another dirty dish. So she dumps it out, washes it and makes some fresh coffee.

Note: Why didn't Fatima just make a WHOLE pot of coffee? For the house? Selfish twat.

Enter Fatima, looking for her coffee. She accuses Lauren of vindictively making herself a pot of coffee, and Lauren TOTALLY looses her shit at Fatima in the Scorching Coffee Tirade of Death. Every other word is bleeped out. It's pretty impressive, considering she hasn't even begun to ingest her caffiene for the day.

Model Kristy Hinze and Elite Models' Karen Lee send the girls on go-sees. I don't even know why Hinze is there. She adds nothing to the segment.

The girls are issued Sprint GPS phones, since real models can't afford cabs when they're starting out, and the girls are going to walk to all their go-sees. Wait -- models who can't afford a cab can afford a Sprint GPS phone? Exhibit A for How Far Removed Tyra Is From Reality.

Team 1 is Claire, Whitney, Stacy and Dom. Team 2 is Anya, Lauren, Kat and Fatima. Claire leads her team, and Anya gets her team lost.

Whitney is scared that, as a size 10, she's not what these designers are going to be looking for.

Dom models a gown and does her runway walk for one of the designers, then comes back out in her street clothes, lavishly patting herself on the back. LITERALLY. With the designer standing right behind her. It's so tacky and childish.

The same designer says that she doesn't use size 10s on the runway -- only size 2s. Dom says, quite hopefully, that she thinks Whitney is breaking down. I'm sorry -- who is intimidated by whom here, Dom? I'm afraid I'm confused.

Whit says that the go-sees are unfair because she would be working for a whole different group of designers than the rest of the girls, and she's right. But then there's another designer, Shoshanna, who says that she wants "all different sizes and body types" for her runway shows. YAY!

Fatima is "too small," as a size 0. Claire's big personality monopolizes the go-see. And Whitney doffs her bra to wear an ugly dress. Husband whistles at the t.v. Fatima says that Lauren is "dragging them down." (The team, not Whitney's boobs.)

Okay, this go-see episode is pretty lame because the girls are on teams instead of relying on themselves and getting lost and being late and crying.

One designer wants "fun and animated" models for her runway. She says of Lauren, "She's very pretty, but... HORSE WALK!" Seriously.

The results are in. Team 1 has great walks and personalities, but no presentation. Team 2 lacks personality and good runway skills. Team 1 wins a spread in the June issue of Seventeen magazine. I may have to pick that up. Or at least thumb through it while at Walgreens.

Stacy booked the most shows of all the girls. Yay, Stacy Ann! She's growing on me. She's dumb as a box of hair, but she's adorable and very sweet, and this season is severely lacking in sweetness.

Tyra Mail! Something about "best foot forward" and "washed out."

The girls arrive at the shoot and see Jay on a conveyer belt runway. It's... some weird... "movement as art" thing. And at the end, he breaks through a wall of boxes. I don't know. It's totally gay. Some group called Fuerza Sabruta, I believe? I don't know. I Googled them and can't find them, so clearly, I've misspelled it. Or else they are a bunch of nobodies that Tyra is trying to pretend are edgey and fierce.

Appropo of nothing, the girls will be wearing gowns, lying in a puddle of water,... on a sheet of Saran Wrap,... being photographed from beneath. Who thinks this shit up? This isn't about selling a product. This is about "raw movements and shapes." *sigh*

Claire wants to dive in... to a 2-inch pool of water. Jay warns her that she doesn't have to, but she does anyway. And hurts her head and neck. What an idiot. She leaves the Saran Wrap to get her shit together, so Dom goes first instead. Dom says she would "never be that stupid." Her poses rock Jay's world. Back on the Wrap, Claire's poses are slow and stilted, her legs are dead. Dammit.

Lauren looses a contact in the pool of water... which now has the germs of Claire and Dom floating in it. Ew. Jay remarks that, even tho' Lauren is awkward, she never looks awkward at shoots... until now. Anya is beautiful.

Kat gets a haircut on set. She cries because she's had long hair all her life. It's about chin-length now. In the puddle, after some coaching from Jay, she turns into "a graceful goddess."

Whitney says she's nervous about being a chubby girl walking on a sheet of Saran Wrap. Hee! But Jay says that she's "not afraid" during her shoot. Stacy, on the other hand, only gets off one good shot. Jay loves Fatima. Guess she shaved.

Tyra Mail! Judging! Lauren is worried, and Dom thinks she knows who is going home. Well, I'm sure Dom wishes she knows who is going home.

Claire's body looks really good in her photo, but her face looks bad. Miss J makes some joke about getting the bug off his windshield.

Stacy was the challenge winner, but she really struggled in her shoot, and it shows in her photo.

When Kat steps forward with her new 'do, Paula remarks that her "weird Eastern European tackiness is now gone." *cricket* *cricket* Everyone has a holy-shit-did-she-just-say-that look on their face. The rest of the judges recover nicely by saying that Kat is beautiful and "looks like a dancer."

Whitney's photo evokes the comments "sonogram," "full-figured fetus," "alive" and "first breath." Tyra says that she was blown away by Whit's film. Husband does his happy-dance.

Tyra is taken aback by Dom's tacky outfit. She's wearing a tunic, but her leggings are too sheer, so she just looks like an aged, $25 prostitute. Also, her hair at panel, says Tyra, is very there's-something-about-Mary-hair-gel. She looks like she just got up from a nap. But there is "pain and orgasm" in her face in the photo.

Lauren looks dead. It's her weakest photo to date.

Fatima is "so perfect" -- that hand, that neck, oh my!

Anya "finally found the light" with her face and got a fierce photo.

Deliberations! And Kat is the Cover Girl of the Week!

Claire is a "one note" model. Stacy has a square jaw but is very bookable, as proved on the go-sees.

They don't know who Kat is because she doesn't have much of a personality. Oh, I hate it when they pull this crap. She's quiet! It's not a personality deficiency!

Whitney is a great model. Dom is crazy.

Nigel bristles at the mere mention of Fatima, and Paula calls him out on just hating her. Yeah? So?

Anya looks like a "nymph elf" with a "head of fire." O... kaaaaaaay. Lauren looks slightly "less Frankensteinish" this week. Ouch.

Tyra stands up and calls: Fatima, Anya, Kat, Whitney, Stacy and Dominick, leaving Lauren and Claire in the bottom two. Dude! That's so not right! How does beautiful Claire get in the bottom two while Dom isn't stoned to death by villagers with torches???

Apparently, Tyra's bullshit reasoning is that Claire isn't diverse enough, and Lauren is the same ol' awkward Lauren. Husband predicts that Claire is going home, and I hit him. Tyra calls Lauren, and a tiny part of my soul dies.

Claire is way bummed because she "failed." She's especially upset because she had started so strong. And she feels guilty for leaving her husband and baby "and dog" and not winning. I don't know why, but that's funny.

And now a word from today's guest blogger -- BILLI!

I CANNOT BELEIVE THAT CLAIRE IS GONE!!!!! Those stupid judges!!!! I hate them!!!!!!! That other moron who was in the bottom two really really should have gone. She can't WALK!!! She has no personality, except for when she's swearing! Stupid, stupid choice. I hate them. And that fuckin' bitch from Africa. Good Lord, do I hate her. And Dominique.... I don't even have words for my hatred for her. I don't even know who I like now! The blonde with the blonde eyebrows is just too damn ugly. I guess I like the chick who's hair they cut again and the plus size girl. Stupid judges.

Ah, no one can pour on the hate like Billi. God bless her little heart.

Next episode: Fatima has legal trouble. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say she's an illegal immigrant. Lauren "cuts off her finger," which means she probably needs a couple stitches.

March 27, 2008

"The Girls Sharpen Their Claws and Deal with Racism"

I'm just making up my own episode titles now.

Previously on "America's Next Top Model," Wenchie failed to get her husband interested in this season. There has been a real lack of hot tub and/or shower scenes.

The girls are in a big stretch cab talking about Aimee's skin. And while her ego is growing ginormous, Lauren's lack of confidence has become a real issue. Probably because she's ugly and makes me want to shove a sharp pencil in my ear every time she opens her damn mouth. Why does she even bother to open her mouth when she's just going to talk out of her nose anyway???

Claire is on the phone talking to her husband... about her milk drying up. And we are treated to a lovely shot of her pumping her breast milk. Oh joy.

Dom's alarm goes off way early and wakes up Claire. Apparently, for the fourth, sixth or seventh time, depending on which part of Claire's tirade you believe. Dom blames it the on the many, complicated settings, but Claire isn't buying it and calls her a "shady bitch." Hee! Also? If Dom can't work an alarm clock, then I believe she's indeed fully qualified to be a top model.

Claire also tells Dom to take responsibility for herself instead of blaming the clock. And she has a point. Dom is not exactly Miss Personal Responsibility Taker.

Aimee says that, at 18, she thinks she's more mature than some of the older girls. I may have to agree with her.

Dom and Claire argue during breakfast. Seeing a speck of blood on Dom, Lauren starts pecking away, too. And then Dom tells her to "stay in your place." You can imagine how well this sits with Miss Punk Rock Anarchy. Not well at all, I'm afraid, and the screaming escalates.

Not wanting to miss out on the fun, Whit tell Dom to "get in the trash where you belong." Wheeeeeeeeee! This is definitely better than a grade school playground scuffle!

Cut to Dom interviewing that it was like Christmas for the girls, ganging up on her like that. I know it was for me! And then she pulls the same old shit that all the divas pull -- "It's because I'm so strong and they're threatened by me, so they're trying to bring me down." Whatev.

"You're CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAZZZYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!" continues Lauren. "Everything you say is just verbal diarrhea!"

Oh, and Husband is now caught up in this season. Yay! It was the fighting. And Whitney. Which bodes well for me, considering she's the plus-size model. A size 10 -- the horror!

Dom cries on the phone to her Mom, who tells her that she's "on a journey" and to "keep your eyes on the goal." The goal of becoming this season's Bitch Who Everyone Hates.

Tyra Mail! Something about being sick and getting better. Oh, please, God, let their next shoot be as naughty nurses!

When the girls arrive at their destination in their maxi-cab, Tyra reveals herself to be the driver. Okay, that's kinda funny, Tyra Banks driving these sorry-ass losers around town.

The girls go up to the dance studio and get dressed to practice walking and posing with Tyra. While walking fiercely, Tyra feigns a twisted ankle in a BRILLIANTLY ACTED segue to "posing with pain." Oh, that Tyra, she's so clever!

Anya is fierce, Whit does really well, but Aimee doesn't commit, and Lauren looks like "an addict." HA!

Tyra tells the girls, when they get stuck during a shoot, to think about pain and listen to the music in their head. Eek.

Tyra Mail! The posing was actually a challenge, and Anya won. She gets a one-on-one photo shoot with Nigel to plump up her portfolio. Huh. I guess Nigel drew the short straw this season.

At the shoot, Nigel explains that he wants this shoot to be timeless and never look out-of-date in her portfolio, so she's going to be naked. Oh, those pesky clothes, always getting in the way! Husband is bummed out that it's not Whitney.

Nigel says that Anya "doesn't know how good she is." Anya feels very comfortable being naked. Aimee, on the other hand, interviews that being naked is wrong. Great career choice, Aimee! Really thought that one through, did ya?

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Dom is sick on bed with a migraine because God smote her for being offensive in His sight. Claire, Lauren and Whitney sit on a couch in that same room and recount the fight at breakfast like she's not there. It's brilliant.

Dom interviews, "Look at the monkeys dance." RACIST!!!

The three girls are totally bonding over their hatred of Dom, but Claire is clearly the ringleader. She's gleefully enjoying Dom's annoyance, and the other girls are looking to her to see how far to take it.

Tyra Mail! Something is a good gig, if you can get it. Modeling, I guess.

Jay! Have you guys heard about Jay and Tyra's feud? (Linky goodness supplied by Lolly!) First, Tyra runs off Janice, and now she's working on Jay! God only knows what she did to Twiggy! Has anyone even seen her lately?

Jay tells the girls that they are in Williamsburg, which is supposedly usurping Manhattan as the center of music. If he says so! Each girl is going to embody a different style of music. Oh, Dom has to be jazz because that's the music of assholes.

Fatima is Metal and loving it. Because Motley Crue don't shave their armpits either! Jay says she "looks the part, but then she start posing."

Kat is Emo. Ha! Emo is so gay. Except that Kat looks awesome.

Lauren is Pop and comes out in Brit-Brit-esque red pleather, down to the spike-heeled hooker boots. She almost falls over trying to walk in them, and Jay goes, "Be careful, Tippy Tumbles!" I giggled for ten minutes. Lauren wah-wah-wahs that she has spent her whole life avoiding pop music. Hmm. Perhaps she should set some higher goals for herself? I'm just sayin'.

Claire is Country, complete with pink flouncy skirt. Cute! After many awkward poses, Jay tells her to "find a balance between couture and country," but she doesn't. Speaking of country, at church on Easter, one mother put her poor little girl in PINK, METALLIC COWBOY BOOTS with her darling Easter dress. I thought Jesus was gonna come outta the tomb hurling lightening bolts! Or whatever magical powers he has.

Dom is Folk and randomly interviews that "they all wanna be like me." I'm not sure what it has to do with the shoot, so I think the editors wanted to make sure we don't forget that we hate her. She does some hippie poses and looks like she's old enough to have been around then.

Anya is Punk. Jay complains that she "let the outfit and make-up do the work." I wonder if I can get my clothes to do my work? That would be handy!

Stacy is House. She's all posey, earning Jay's ire.

Aimee is R&B. She loves her outfit and is thinking "diva," but Jay complains that she has no experience or passion. Dude, she's 18.

Whit is Grunge. They put her on a diving board over an empty pool, and she complains that she's afraid of heights. Ten feet is heights? She does really great, and Jay calls her "genius." In your face, skinny bitches!

Tyra Mail! Judging.

Claire is worried that her shoot didn't go well. Lauren is worried that her confidence sucks. At Panel, everyone looks at the photos.

Whit is very "believable" as Grunge. She took some risks, and the photo they like is a "risk that worked."

They love Fatima's legs as Metal. You know how Miss J loves the broke-down doll look, and she is "workin' it."

Anya said that working with Nigel was fun, and kudos to her for not saying anything stupid and offending him because you know how prissy he is. Her photos are... something about "finding the light." But don't walk towards it, you crazy albino!

Lauren is "extremely beautiful" as Pop but needs to be more awake. Maybe they don't know that she always talks like that.

Aimee struggled with R&B. Suck, suck, suck.

Stacy's House poses were too obvious.

Miss J asks regarding Kat's Emo, "Is that white music?" Oh, c'mon, Miss J, you know what emo music is. You just wanted to make us crackers look stupid. Tyra thinks Kat's photo is the best of them all, and she also loves Kat in the short wig. I think Kat is getting a haircut!

Claire is "too tough" being Country. It was her worst shoot to date.

Dom is believable as Folk and looks "soft." But then they say funny things about her head, torso and legs "not communicating" or something. Modeling is so weird.

Commercials, and Claire is Cover Girl of the week -- AGAIN!!!

Deliberations!

Whitney is "coming out." Wait. Did I miss something?

Fatima is disappointing. Lauren is awkward. Aimee looks like "bad Vegas garbage." HAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Kat is interesting and needs a haircut. Claire totally missed the mark. Dom improved, but she's "still not there." Stacy looks like "a Jamaican DJ." Will the racism never end???

Tyra calls: Whitney, Kat, Fatima, Lauren, Anya, Dom and Stacy. Leaving Claire and Aimee in the bottom two. Dear God, not Claire!!!

The Panel is shocked at how badly both girls sucked this week. But Claire sucked less! YAY!!! But the warn her that modeling isn't just about being fierce.

Aimee cries a lot.

Next week: Go-sees, Whitney takes a beating, and Lauren's temper gets out of control.

March 24, 2008

"Top Model Takes It To the Streets"

Oh, my darlings, I have failed you! I didn't watch "America's Next Top Model" two weeks ago! And I can't recap what I haven't seen, so I have left you swimming in a dark sea of confusion, lost and alone!

So, yeah, missed it. Sorry. But from the Previouslies, I learned that the girls did some designer runway show, a photo shoot in a meat packing plant (so bummed I missed that!), and Amis went home. Probably because of the terrible Xanadu-esque headband she wore to Panel. Stupid girl.

Fatima was in the bottom two with Amis, which she finds shocking, but the rest of us don't. She resolves to practice.

Marvita, in context of nothing, says that she can't stay with anyone and doesn't believe in "happy hand-holding" because she was raped and molested.

Claire thinks that Marvita is a crazy hood-rat. Now, Claire, I love you, but if you diss Marv, your stock is going to take a hit. So stop it. Play nice.

Whitney offers someone (Fatima, I think?) some banana bread, to which the someone replies, "Why, so I can be fat like you?" RUDE! And dudes, Whitney is hardly "fat" -- she's just not replacing meals with laxatives and cigarettes.

Whitney says that she doesn't believe in the word "fat," and she was called second in panel last time, so she's not worried about her size. Then she muses, "Maybe she meant phat -- P.H.A.T...?"

Tyra Mail! Something about The Three Cs.

Eeek! Oh, it's only Benny Ninja. Dude looks like Templeton the rat. He scares the shit outta me. Benny is joined by Vendela, a Swedish/Norwegian supermodel/actress. Apparently, The Three Cs are Catalogue, Commercial and Couture, and Benny and Venny are there to teach them.

There's lots of ridiculous posing. Benny tells Whitney that she looks like Anna Nicole Smith. And I disagree -- Whitney looks like she's only been dead for a few days. A week tops.

Back at the ranch, Dom didn't remember what phone time she signed up for, which she blamed on Whitney, adding that her phone time is more important than Whitney's because she has a child. (A child that she left for thirteen weeks. I'm just sayin'.)

So it's on between Dom and Whit. Dom keeps trying to say that it's Whitney's responsibility to tell Dom when it's her turn on the phone, but the rest of the girls are like, "Well, we didn't need to be reminded when it was our turn."

Dom stands her pathetic ground and tells Whit that she has no respect for other people, which is probably true but beside the point, in this case. Whitney tells her, "I have no reason to respect you. You speak all the time out of your ass."

Then, as a final and desparate act, Dom throws out the race card. Wait -- is Dom not white? Or at least 75% white? Is Whitney a self-loathing white girl who is racist against caucasians? I'm confused.

Well, this gets Whit all in a tizzy. "You can call me a bitch, fine, but don't call me a racist! My best friend is black!"

I love that. Also? Besides the point. My best friends are Irish, but that doesn't mean I don't think all the hoopla about St. Patrick's Day is pretty retarded. Oooh, I'm a racist!

Oh my God. Why is Janice Dickinson doing Orbit gum commercials? Is her show not doing well? Janice, call me, we'll talk.

Back to the show, Dom and Whit are still at it, when Whitney randomly exclaims, "Where's the Saran Wrap?" Is that a racist joke? I don't get it.

Tyra Mail! Something about bringing it to the center. I don't know.

Benny and Venny meet the girls in Brooklyn, along with The Best Posers In the World. Or so they claim. The girls are going to be split into two teams and DUEL TO THE DEATH!!! Wait, no. They're just going to pose. The winners get a trip to The Swag Tent, and the number one poser gets an even more special surprise.

Oh my God! How badly do I want a trip to The Swag Tent?! Doesn't that sound like heaven?!

In the posing face-offs: Claire vs. Dom is a tie; Lauren vs. Marv, Lauren wins; Anya vs. Stacy, Stacy wins.

Fatima vs. Whitney. Whitney wins, despite the fact that Fatima was basically on top of her and, at one point, had her disfigured vag all up in Whitney's face. Ew. People, if Fatima is not shaving her pits... well, I won't go there.

Aimee vs. Kat, Kat wins, making Team B the winners. Marv confesses that she's totally freeloading off the rest of the team because she didn't bring in any points. Awwwww.

Claire is the winner of all the posers, and Benny and Venny call her amazing! YAY!

On to The Swag Tent! Sponsored by Backstate Creations, which is the company that does the gift bags for the Oscars and stuff. Because, ya know, celebrities need lots of expensive stuff for free. Fuckers.

And Claire gets to go to Bora Bora. At some undetermined point in time. Huh.

Fatima bitches some more about Marvita, calling her "ghetto" and "hood." As if the girl can help where she was brought up. Fatima is a stuck-up bitch.

Hey, it's Saleisha's Cover Girl commercial! Oh, thank God they changed her hair.

Back at ANTM, Marv is wondering if maybe she really is too ghetto for this competition. You guys, this totally sucks. The Man is keeping Marvie down, and in this case, The Man is bulemic wanna-be models. How sad is that? Don't listen to them, Marvilina!

Tyra Mail! Something about being naked in coats. Oh, please, God.

It's Jay! Seriously, why isn't Jay on Panel? He does all the damn work, while Tyra, Nigel and Miss J hang around Tyra's hotel suite and watch "Project Runway" and eat pot brownies.

The photo shoot is a close-up jewelry shoot where the girls will have paint splattered on them. Groovy. I hope they don't ruin the bling!

Marvita's soul has clearly been eaten by Fatima, so even Jay's big-sister-esque pep-talk can't help her. Fatima watches Marv with unconcealed disdain. It's all very sad, as is Marv's expression in her photos.

Ew. The girls actually get think, gooey paint poured on their heads. But they all seem to do really well. Except for Fatima, whom Jay accuses of over-thinking... and sucking. Welcome to Karmatown. Population: Fatima.

Jay also comments that Marv is a disaster, and it seems like she has already checked out.

Panel! Vendela is there, and Tyra introduces her as a supermodel from Scandinavia. SCANDINAVIA IS NOT A COUNTRY! Jesus H. Rosemaling Christ, can't you just say she's from Norway or whatever??? The panel checks out the girls' photos, oblivious to my rage.

Dom is "softer" and "more subtle" than they've seen her before. But she still looks like a dude.

Anya "needs more in her eyes." I assume they're talking about fierceness and not paint.

Kat has "great eyes" and looks "sophisticated."

Fatima doesn't shave her armpits, and it's the shot heard 'round the world, ladies and gentlemen. But other than that, she looks "fantastic." Nigel gives her some good advice: photo touch-ups are expensive; razors are cheap. Hee!

Lauren looks "gorgeous," but I still want to beat her up for being so retarded. She apologizes for coming to Panel in gym shoes, but someone stole her heels. I think it's interesting that she accuses the girls of being theives and doesn't assume that maybe her slobby self just lost them. Tyra is convinced that, because they are a size 10, some drag queen stole them. Heather?

Whitney is "not taking the competition seriously," according to Vendela.

Claire needs about "an inch more neck," but what she lacks in neck, she makes up for in "power." Claire, I will so babysit your kid.

Marvita seems "defeated." Her photo looks "sad," but "at least there's some emotion there." She looks like an "orphan modeling." Poor thing. She's so going home. Tyra hates a quitter, Marvita!

Stacy's lips are much loved, but Jay said she seemed lost during the shoot.

Aimee's skin is "insanely beautiful," but she's a "chameleon," which is a bad thing because it means she doesn't have her own look. Judging from this photo, I think her look is Psycho Chick Who Just Survived A Particularly Vicious Sneeze.

Deliberations! But first -- commercials. And Claire is the Cover Girl pick of the week for the fourth week running! YAY!

What the hell is on Miss J's eyebrows? Is that white glitter? He's so fucking retarded sometimes.

Dom is "almost getting it," but Anya's is "not good" close up. Kat is "losing her Wow factor." Fatima is "old enough to know better" than to be an unshaven model. Whitney just "does not have what it takes."

Damn, the judges really took their crabby pills that day.

Claire looks "confident;" Marvita, on the other hand, seems "uncomfortable" and is "giving up." Aimee can be "20 different people" but has "no self." Stacy is "improving," while they compare Lauren to "Young Frankenstein."

Okay, that's a low blow. "Young Frankenstein" is my favorite movie ever, and every frame is a work of art. Do NOT compare it with Lauren of the gawky gawkiness. Ugh.

A decision has been made, and the girls are called in the following order: Stacy, Dom, Claire (okay, how did those two get called before Claire of the Amazing Amazingness?), Anya, Lauren, Aimee, Kat, Fatima.

Marvita and Whitney are in the bottom two for related reasons. Neither of them seem to be wholly invested in the competition. But Whitney gets her photo, and poor, sweet, ghetto Marv is sent packing. Dudes, that's just not right.

Okay, I just re-read this recap, and I don't understand where the models "Take It To the Streets."

Also? For awesome black Barbie sex a la Allison (who was the first to get booted), go here! Glam! I haz it! I am immediately going to iTunes to download this song. Thanks, Heather!

Next episode: The girls have to pose with pain, and the entire house gangs up to reem out Dom. YAY!

March 10, 2008

"Top Model Makeovers"

I don't think that's the real name of the lastest episode of "America's Next Top Model," but I couldn't find the real name. Anyone? Don't they usually start with "The Girl Who..." or aren't they doing that this season?

Previously, fourteen girls go to NYC, do a runway show in Times Square, meet Paulia Porizkova and do a shoot as homeless people. Oh, Tyra's so sensitive! Italia went home, not Stacey, as I had previously said. And I don't even remember there being an Italia, so it's just as well.

Right out of the gate, Dom talks about how awesome she is and confesses to being a diva. Hate her.

Someone plays ding-dong-ditch on the girls, leaving them ugly, white purses, with Apple Bottoms swag inside. God, that never happens to me! Probably because I have more of a melon bottom. Sweet, round and ripe -- yeah, bay-bee!

Eighteen-year-old Allison wants to kill all the other girls. Well, I'm sure the feeling is mutual, sweetheart. Now shutthefuckup.

Fatima makes some comment about Allison's ass being bigger than hers, which is AWESOME, and Allison responds, well... like a dramatic 18-yr. old, saying, "That's a nice thing to say to someone with anorexia," and storming out of the room.

And oddly, my heart does not go out to Allison for her affliction. Weird.

The girls get a 5:00 a.m. call... to Wal-Mart. Oh, my God, I'd be so pissed if someone got me outta bed before 4:00 a.m. to go to Wal-Mart. Brent and Molly are there from Cover Girl. Turns out, it's a 5:00 a.m. Cover Girl challenge and casting. The winner of ANTM gets a big-ass Wal-Mart Cover Girl display. I would hang my head in shame.

The girls have 5 minutes to create a fresh, natural look with CG slop. Lauren and Fatima forget to use color; Whitney looks awesome, Allison is wearing too much (hee!); but it's Claire who wins! And as much as I hate Baby-Leavers, I find myself silently rooting for her. I'm so conflicted!

Oh, then Claire goes and really tests my budding love for her by telling the other girls that she and Dom want to win more than the other girls because they're doing it for their babies. Vomit.

Oh, sweet Jesus! Allison brought BARBIES with her! Is my hatred for her misplaced after all? One is black and one is white, and holy racist, she pads the black Barbie's pants with Kleenex to make her butt bigger, and then she makes the black Barbie say, "I wanna take it in back because I'm black!"

Holy shit! That is one ignorant bitch! It is so on between Allison and Fatima!

But not right now because they get Tyra Mail. Something something "curl up and dye." MAKEOVERS! My favorite!

Damn, Tyra's dress is boobylicious. Too bad Husband isn't here to see it. Steven Knoll will be doing the girls' hair, and I can't believe I've actually heard of him. Tyra tortures the girls by telling them that they're not going to know what's happening to their heads until it's done. Hee!

Anya goes platinum blonde -- eyebrows included -- and I just don't think that's a good look on anyone. (Plus, she has a troll-face in this photo.)

Whitney goes blonde and is a total kitten. (Although this photo doesn't really do her justice.)

Aimee is now a redhead with bangs and looks hot. I'm coveting her hair.

Marvita looks less like Chris Rock with her "horse mane" extensions.

Lauren gets a strawberry blonde weave and looks much less like a retard -- pretty, even. Now if only they'd remove her vocal chords...

Katarzyna gets really dark hair. Not much of a change. They probably don't want to invest too much time and money in her because they know she's too Maxim to win.

Claire looks better than I ever thought a woman could in a platinum blonde buzz cut. Seriously. (Sorry, Anya!) I know she's a Baby-Leaver, but I am kind of loving her.

Fatima looses the Bozo hair and looks like a bonafide, cell-phone-throwing supermodel, including the angst and crying during the procedure. But she still can't have sex.

Allison got some highlights or something. But she's still a total bitch.

Dom's hair really looks like shit. They really screwed her. She looks like a Lutheran Church Basement Lady/Soccer Mom/Poor Drag Queen.

Stacey's to-die-for cheekbones are now The Cheekbones That Ate New York, with her buzz cut. But she's still a dingbat.

Amis gets a blonde weave, but she's still a total horseface, and I have no idea what she's doing on this show.

Tyra Mail! Something about "The Body." Isn't that Giselle Somebody's nickname? Nope, turns out it's Elle McPherson. Oh, she's so adorable. And she's pimping her new line of Elle McPherson Intimates! Fun!

The girls pose in Elle's skivvies on a boat with the NY skyline as their backdrop.

Okay, I am officially loving Claire and Marvita. I can't help it!

They put poor Whitney the fat girl in a corset and bubble skirt, which is horrible. Don't cover her up! Put her in some boy cut shorts and let her work it!

Lauren is horribly awkward, to the shock and awe of exactly no one.

Allison blah-blahs about how she has so much more experience than the other girls, and then proceeds to underwhelm Jay with her posing. Love it.

Dom is terrible, and Jay calls her "catalogue" half a dozen times.

Elle tells the girls they are all awesome and thanks them for helping promote her "bras and knickers." Only when she says it, it sounds like "knickahs." Oh, she's just the cutest thing!

Judging!

Marv looks fierce, people. And I know I sound retarded saying "fierce," but she really does. The judges love her photo, and they say she looks like a panther.

Claire shows up to Panel in over-the-knee socks and a pleated skirt, cementing my undying devotion. Baby be damned! She's got the cocked eyebrow going on in her photo. *swoon*

(Seriously, Heather, I can't believe you don't watch this show.)

Fatima looks like Iman, according to the judges. Whatev.

Kat looks like a "Russian mail order bride." Hee!

Dom looks old.

The judges tell Allison that she looks soft and pretty, and after a pause, Nigel brings it to everyone's attention that "Thank you" might have been an appropriate response. That Nigel -- such a stickler. But Allison doesn't get the hint even when delivered with a trebuchet. She just winks at him. Idiot. One of them even says, "The lights are on, but no one's home," right to her face.

Deliberations!

The photographer confesses that he thought Dom was one of the model's mom. Ouch!

Nigel says that Anya's accent sounds like a Jamaican on sleep medication.

Allison is just hands-down conceited.

Tyra comes forward and has photos for: Lauren, Marvita, Aimee, Claire, Stacey, Fatima, Anya, Whitney, Kat and Amis, leaving Dom and Allison in the bottom two. HA!

At this point, I'm thinking Dom is going home because Allison is clearly the prettier girl. But Allison forgot Top Model Rule #7, which is -- Don't offend Nigel.

Allison goes home! YAY! And she's clearly unsettled because she thought she was so much better than the other girls, what with all her "experience" and all. I guess selling handjobs next to the dumpster behind Chili's isn't the kind of experience Tyra is looking for. Too bad!

Oh, and something random -- when Tyra gives Dom her photo, she says something about Dom staying and getting the hair color Tyra wanted her to have. Hmmm...

Next episode: Fatima and Amis get on Miss J's last nerve. Dear God, please, let there be hair-pulling!

March 03, 2008

"The Girls Who Are Going Home So Don't Get Attached To Them"

Of course, this isn't the real name of the first episode of this season's "America's Next Top Model," but it'll do.

Wednesday is the third episode, so I figured I'd better get around to doing the first two, right? Geez, I only have one page of notes -- it's not like it's hard.

Thirty-five broke-down, trashy morons are on a school bus. Marvita is back this season, having left her "crazy past" behind her. We'll see, Marvita. We'll see.

Jay and Miss J make their grand entrance and send the girls to a locker room to put on their uniforms. And yes, I'm takin' 'bout Naughty Catholic School Girl uniforms. Thank you, Tyra! Then they get their "photo I.D.s" taken.

Well, all the usual suspects are here. There's Miss Ivy League who feels that her education will give her an "edge up" in the competition. Too bad she's not smart enough to know that it doesn't take brains to be a model.

And we have our geeky "punk artist," who sounds way too much like first season winner Adrienne for my comfort. God, blow your nose or something!

Allison feels she is the "silent predator," and we can only hope she stays silent. Token person from a different country -- Fatima from Somalia. And Kim rounds out the pack as a dumb blonde.

In the classroom, Miss J is there for Runway 101, where the girls have to walk... *gasp* with BACKPACKS! Oh, the horror!

Next we meet Claire, who is a mom and wife. And we all know how I feel about these broads who leave their babies for three months, trying to break into a career that will take them away from home for the majority of the year, and then claim they are "doing it for my child," so let's move on.

Is Anya from Russia? What's up with that funky accent? Or is it a speech impediment?

The girls are taken to the football field, where this is a bonfire surrounded by ex-ANTM-contestant cheerleaders. There's Furonda, the twins, Jael and Joanie.

The Js announce that they will all be going to New York City, but first! They have to pick a Homecoming Queen. And the girls are stupid enough to believe that it'll be one of them. Keep dreaming, ladies! There's only room for one Queen on this show, and it ain't one of you.

It's TYRA!!! The girls go ape-shit when Tyra appears in a yellow prom dress and tiara. Her acceptance speech includes, "I'm sorry I slept with all your boyfriends." It's actually pretty funny.

Then it's time for the one-on-one interviews. Mohammad Ali's niece is there, of whom Miss J says, "I see a model, but then she opens her mouth, and I want to die." Amy is "positively coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs."

Meanwhile, backstage, Fatima endears herself to all by calling all the black girls "ghetto." I believe we've found this season's Black Girl Who Everyone Hates. Shaya (I think that's her name) goes off on her and ends with, "You're dead in my book."

Stacy got married when she as 17, and not because she was preggers. She gives Jay a lap dance.

And then we find out why Fatima is such a bitch -- as a girl, she was circumcised in a horrible "traditional ritual." Well. Okay then. I guess I'd be pretty bitter and hostile, too.

Shaya, to whom Fatima was dead only moments ago, is the one to start the pro-Fatima group hug. It's actually really sweet. And then Marvita kills the moment by asking Fatima if she feels like less of a woman. The rest of the pack goes nuts on Marvita.

We discover that Jena's dream is to own a tricked-out Impala. Dream big, Jena. And in a moment that can only be described at T.M.I., we find out that Claire is pumping her breast milk. Dear God, she left a nursing baby behind.

The girls get their "report cards" and find out who passed and who failed. The passers get their "senior class photo" taken. They have to do their own hair and make-up, and in a tube top, will get a fur stole to work with.

From those photos, they pick the 13 finalists: Allison the Silent Predator, Fatima, Katrazanya or some such silly name, Kimberly the Dumb Blonde with the smooshed in pug-face, Stacy of lap dance fame, Amy and Aimee, Claire the Baby Abandoner, Whitney the token plus-size model, Marvita, Lauren the Punk Artist, Tatalia and Anya.

But Tyra is easily confused and says they can't have two Amys, so Aimee changes her name to Amis. "Because it's in the Bible." Really? I thought it was Amos.

And then in an unprecedented move, Tyra also says that 13 is an unlucky number, so they're taking one more girl -- Dominique the Drag Queen.

Although I did watch the second episode of "America's Next Top Model" last Wednesday, I was far too feverish to take any notes, so I'll just tell you what I remember. Which isn't much.

The girls go to their new house in NYC, and the sleeping arrangements leave much to be desired. One room is full of bunk beds, like an army barracks. The other one is just... one big bed. Huh.

Fatima rears her ugly head again, and Mother Marvita takes it upon herself to have a heart-to-heart with her. Fatima tries to chalk her shitty behavior up to I've-been-hurt-blah-blah-blah, and Marvita shares her own story of being hurt and getting over it. The two bond, and I am suddenly a big fan of Marvita.

At judging, Dumb Blonde Kimberly pulls an unbelievable move. She says that she doesn't believe in high fashion and $2,000 dresses, so she'd just rather go home. The judges are clearly pissed, and I don't blame them.

What did she think? She would only be modeling for Wal-Mart and Old Navy? What a selfish little bitch! All those other girls who wanted to compete and wear $2,000 dresses and didn't get a chance because Miss Wal-Mart got chosen, and then she bails the first week!

I think all the girls who didn't make it to the final 13 should take up a class action suit against that retard.

Um, who went home? They sent someone else home, too... who was it? Oh, I think it was Stacy the lap dancer. Pretty, but no one's home.

Next episode: Wenchie will actually be coherent enough to write a real recap!

December 15, 2007

"The Girl Who Becomes America's Next Top Ho-Bag"

Welcome to a Bianca-free episode! Woo-hooooooooooo!

Previously on The Girl Child's Future Career, Chantal the "Barbie blonde" was in the Bottom Two after the Cover Girl video, and Saliesha won two challenges, proving she's more than a commercial model. Jenah is stunning but sarcastic -- can she turn on the charm? And none of the other girls matter because they're all losers, every last one of them.

Tyra Mail! "Ripe for the picking," "show your flavor." From this porno-speak, the girls somehow arrive at the conclusion that it's a shoot for Cover Girl. Well, I guess they've seen previous seasons.

Jenah says to Chantal or Sal (I can't tell which), "If you are I are in the Bottom Two, I'm going home." Blah blah, wah wah. We all know she's right, but can't we at least maintain the facade of suspense?

The girls to see Jay and Brent from Cover Girl, who tell them they're shooting both a commercial and a print ad -- the very same print ad that the winner of ANTM will have plastered all over the country. No pressure!

Jaslene! Jaslene is there to... give them a pep talk or something. Chantal goes, "I wanna be in her cute, little, strappy shoes!"

The ad is for some lip glop called "WetSlicks Fruit Spritzers," and the girls will be representing 3 of the 12 colors.

Chantal is up first for the commercial. Jay immitates her as, "I'm the dumb model." Which somehow inspires Chantal to correct her behavior and do awesome.

As soon as the camera starts rolling on Jenah, the crickets start chirping. She freezes and can't get it together. Finally, Jay threatens the cue cards, and she pulls one good take out of her butt. Jay warns her that her insecurity comes off as bitchy. Oh, like she's the only one!

Saliesha just can't do it. She starts crying and has to take a minute to pull herself together. Jay gives her some lame nugget of wisdom that probably contains the words "fierce" and "giraffe," I don't remember.

Judging! Tyra announces that the 2 girls left after this elimination will "walk to the death!" That'd be so awesome. Model cage match!

And then Tyra asks her favorite question of the models -- "Who do you think has the most and least potential to be a model?"

Of course, everyone says themselves. And frankly, I think that's a cop-out. I think it would be a much more interesting question if they had to pick someone besides themselves.

Chantal and Sal both say that Jenah has the least amount of potential because of her bad attitude. Jenah defends herself saying something to the effect of, "I think lots of girls will be able to look up to me and see that a bad girl can be a Cover Girl."

Wahw-wahwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Wrong answer, Jenah.

They all look at the commercials and photos.

Sal smiles with her eyes in the commercial, but in the photos, she has the same smile in all 20 takes.

Chantal is naturally charming and very girl-next-door. Yeah, she's doomed, too. You know Tyra rarely chooses the white girls to win. If she saw Twiggy 20 years ago, she'd probably say she's not "edgy" enough.

Tyra accuses Jenah of "making fun of the commercial" because she laughs when she's supposed to bite into her fruit. But in Jenah's defense, she got the strawberry which, let's face it, looks like a penis head. Then Nigel dusts off the old, "We believe in you, but do you believe in yourself?" Vomit.

Jenah tearfully says that she hates "being misunderstood by my FRIENDS." Dig! Tyra asks about her "armor" (Jesus, can't someone just be sarcastic without having deep, emotional issues?), and Jenah says she has to be tough because she had to raise her two little sisters.

Then Tyra forgets which of her shows they are currently filming and presses, "You resent your mama, don't you? For leaving you to raise your sisters." More tears, and Chantal joins in, which I think is kind of sweet.

Then, because they all feel bad for having to endure Tyra's mother-hen bullshit, the judges throw her a bone and tell her that her photo is soft, innocent and great.

Deliberations! Sal IS a Cover Girl, but is she high fashion? Jenah apologized and meant it, so she's obviously more "self-aware" now, and she always takes the most stunning photos. Chantal is the most amateur and should probably be going home.

But in a SHOCKING turn of events, Chantal gets called first to get her photo! Oh, editors of ANTM, your dizzying plot twists are sheer genius!

Sal and Jenah are in the Bottom Two, and Sal gets her photo. Jezum Crow, you've never seen such blubbering! As soon as Sal's name is called, she hugs Jenah and sobs, "I love you!" Billi and I crack up.

Her obligatory farewell photo montage proves that she does, indeed, take the best photos of any girl ever on ANTM, as Tyra tells her.

Sal and Chan go to a photo shoot for Seventeen, the photos from which will be used in the winner's photo spread. It's uneventful and doesn't get much airplay. They must not shell out as much in sponsor dollars as Cover Girl does.

The fashion show "walk to the death" will be for Qi Gang. The concept is something about the Ming dynasty coming into the modern age. I don't know. I want the crazy, haunted brides back.

Tyra looks fabulous in her qi pao, by the way.

The girls will talk on the world's longest runway, which is really just a red carpet rolled down a big cement lot in front of some Chinese building. The audience is... 600 people all in costume. It's weird and doesn't feel very fashion-showy.

Jay's final words of advice? "Do you." Brilliant.

Tyra has her grand entrace first, natch. Then the Chinese acrobats on stilts, then Jaslene. I guess Tyra doesn't want Jaslene to forget her place in the world.

The girls walk. It's walking. It's getting dressed and undressed quickly. It's more walking.

One of the acrobats trips on the long train of one of Chantal's gowns and goes down really hard. It looks really painful, and Chantal is clearly upset by it. Because she's human. But models aren't supposed to be human.

At panel, everyone looks at all the photos of both girls and compares them. But we only get to see three.

The harmful effects of smoking shoot: Chantal is graceful, Sal is committed. Is that a compliment?

Gargoyles on skyscrapers: Chantal is sexy yet high fashion. Sal is unique. Is that a compliment?

Great Wall of China: Sat took the city by storm. Chantal dominated her photo.

Runway: Chantal was stiff and took short, quick steps, showing her nerves. Sal has a great, confident walk but "bopped" her shoulders too much.

Deliberations! Tyra is surprised that the girls she thought were the most commercial are in the Final Two. She solicits sympathy from the panel because her "butt has to go up there and CRUSH one of them!"

Two girls stand before Tyra. They're both beautiful, yet they both suck in their own special way. One of them sucks less, and that's Saliesha. Damn. She gives the same scripted speech all past winners have given.

Chantal interviews that she's hurt and shocked, but she will continue to work hard.

Sal cries that she's "got is and never letting it go!"

Enjoy your 15 minutes, Sal.

December 11, 2007

"The Girls Go To the Great Wall"

I missed the Previously stuff because I was over at Spikette's having pizza and just barely made it home on time. Love this icey weather!

Shanghai. Heather mail! Jenah is sad to see Heather go. Bianca says that "she was in her own little world most of the time, so it's not that different with her not here." Except that now Bianca has to find someone else to hate on.

The girls travel to Beijing, where their tour guide is named "Kevin." Somehow, I don't think that's his real name.

Jenah is still stressed out from being in the Bottom Two. Chantal, on the other hand, is quite content because she knows that being America's Next Top Model is her density. I mean destiny. Ah, and Bianca starts with the bitching about Chantal. Took her about 3.47 seconds to find a new victim. Is that a record?

The girls go to some... stage or something. Miss J and Twiggy are carried in by Chinese servants. How green of them to use the backs of lesser people than to use golf carts.

The narrate some... pagaent about "The Four Beauties," who are apparently the four most beautiful women in China, each from a different era. The women are, indeed, much more beautiful, graceful and well-dressed than the models.

Bianca thoughtlessly quips, "Okay, is it over?" Yes, God forbid you experience any of the culture, learn anything or act like a grown-up for one damn minute. The Four Beauties aren't rapping, so -- whoops! There goes Bianca's attention span!

At the end of the program, Miss J says they must wait and see how The Four Beauties relates to them... oooooooooh, I can hardly stand the suspense!

The girls get to their new home, which is way more sophisticated and beautiful than any of them deserve. I'm sure Bianca is like, "Okay, where's the Old Kessler?"

Tyra Mail! Great wall, great mall, shopping, squealing. The dresses that The Four Beauties wore are in boxes waiting for them. They are to go to the mall in the gorgeous gowns and modernize them, making the dresses their own. Which is never a good idea. They get $200 each to spend.

The girls all try on shoes and buy purses. Bianca decides to ditch the other girls in search of a store that will give her some special, secret edge, I guess. The other side of the mall is dismal, so she comes back. On the way, she runs into Jenah and tells her something to the effect of, "You should go across the street. They have some really great stores over there."

Now, Bianca and Jenah have gotten along so far (because Bianca didn't view Jenah as real competition), so Jenah, of course, takes her advice. Bianca calls it "strategy" and "feels better" after sabotaging her friend. Nice.

Hey! Is that Dani(elle) in the mascara commercial with Queen Latifa?

Bianca interviews that there are "no friends in competition." Jenah merely says, "That. Bitch." She totally didn't see that coming because playing dirty "isn't my style."

Seventeen editor Anne Shorket is there at the runway to judge the girls' walks and gown-make-overs. The girls are given a bunch of Cover Girl crap to do their own make-up for the competition.

Sal's walk is superb. Chantal has a very natural, great walk. Bianca hiked up her skirt like a hootchie mama, but Anne thinks that's a cute idea to show off her legs. Jenah, too, turned her gown into a mini, and then she took off her cape on the catwalk, which Anne loves.

The girls are given their critiques. Sal needs to loosen up, which is a lot different than the tongue-bath they were giving her when she couldn't hear them. Jenah is amazing. Bianca's walk is too "hiphop." They love Chantal's yellow shoes.

Jenah wins and picks Chantal to share her prize because she "can't trust" Bianca. The girls get beautiful qi pao gowns tailored to fit them, and Jenah gets a one-on-one runway lesson with Miss J. Apparently, this lesson is supposed to be a big deal because Miss J has never done a one-on-one with any Top Model wannabe before. Whoop-dee-shit.

Tyra Mail! Something about being seen from space. The girls are going to Vegas! Oh. No. They're going to the Great Wall.

Bianca starts bitching about everyone and everything. Jenah is homesick and misses her boyfriend. They both just want to get the whole competition over with.

At the Great Wall, they girls are going to be warriors scaling the wall with six other red-shirt warriors. Tyra is the photographer and a vision in khaki.

In the hair and make-up trailer, Sal gets a huge bun on the side of her head. She compares her look to http://www.warriorprincess.com/galleries/displayimage.php?album=138&pos=5. And can I just say? Xena NEVER wore her hair like that, so Sal is snorting Comet and totally wishes she was Xena. Idiot.

Chantal is totally getting into the whole thing, talking about how she loves the jet-setting life and getting to shoot at different locations. Tyra really likes shooting her, and her yes-man, Jay, agrees.

Jenah feels like she's losing herself. Tyra asks her to pretend there's something she really wants on the other side of the wall. Jenah says she wants to find herself. Uh-oh. Bad answer. She's going home.

Bianca sucks ass and Tyra has to get up and show her how to pose. Her first 40 shots are painful, but the last 20 are better. Dare I get my hopes up?

Jay gives me a shout-out by telling Sal she looks totally crouching-tiger-hidden-dragon. He also says she's the only one who "used her environment and creativity." What does that even mean?

When they're all done shooting, Tyra wants to take a group shot, the challenge being to stand out with several other models in the same photo. Bianca is all pissed cuz Sal has her bun in Bianca's face. Hee! One might argue that she's doing Bianca a favor...

Back at their pad, Bianca starts ragging that Chantal is "bland" and Sal sucks and makes some crack about "blonde girls." RACIST!

Oh my God. Wednesday night, someone is going to have to come over and PHYSICALLY STOP ME from watching "Crowned." It looks even more dysfunctional than ANTM! Mothers and daughters competing as a team! Meow!

Judging!

Jenah's face is amazing, and her legs go on forever, but she seems to get a big lost in her costume. Which is, of course, Tyra's deliberate metaphor for what's going on inside her. Jenah starts crying that she misses her two little sisters, but at the same time, she wants to win this so she can be someone that her sisters can look up to. Awwwwwwwwww.

Bianca's profile is nice, but her posing is really stiff and awkward. She second-guessed herself throughout the shoot.

Chantal is perfect and brought a real positive attitude to the shoot. She is taking her modeling "to the next level."

Sal looks so amazing in her photo that the judges notice her first and hardly even look at the Great Wall in her photo. I guess that makes Sal the Eighth Wonder of the World. Tyra says that she came to the shoot nervous but put that energy into her work.

I see Bianca and Jenah in the Bottom Two, with Jenah going home. You know how Tyra hates a disappearing model!

In the group photo, the judges all pick their favorite and ooze all over them. As an afterthought, they mention that Bianca looks like "the guy." HA!

The girls leave for deliberations, and Tyra says to the panel that she thought she knew what this elimination would bring, but that the photo shoot changed it all.

Jenah seems to have been "dislodged" from the competition, and they think she gave her "swan song" speech. Nooooooooooo!

Bianca is the least modely. True, she came in with no experience and has come a long way. But has she come far enough?

Chantal is "channeling her inner diva"

Sal is the hands-down favorite and seems to "sparkle" in person and in photos.

Chantal is called first. In addition to her own photo, she's also the only one who gets the group photo because she stands out the most.

Sal is called next, leaving Bianca and Jenah in the Bottom Two. Bianca is very urban but is improving. Jenah gave her swan song. Who will go home.

Husband rushes into the room saying that Bianca is going home, but I know Tyra -- she hates it when models break down, so I think it's Jenah.

HA! Jenah gets her photo! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I've never been so happy to be wrong! Husband makes sure I write down that HE was right.

Bianca interviews that she came in with an attitude but the whole experience humbled her. LIE!!!

Next episode: The finale! Two eliminations, and the crowning of America's Next Completely Forgettable Model! And then the premiere of "Crowned"...

November 29, 2007

"The Girls Go On Go-See Adventures "

Previously on "America's Next Top Model," Wenchie came terrifyingly close to losing her favorite, Heather, while Tyra and Husband fought a cage match over their shared favorite, Chantal.

Here's my predictions for this show. I want Heather to win, but I think it'll be Chantal, and I think Saleisha is going home this episode.

Bianca asks Heather what she was thinking when she was in the Bottom Two because she wants to keep savoring the moment from every angle possible. Chantal interviews that Heather should have gone home instead of Lisa.

Jenah's all pissy because she thinks that the competition has come down to a personality contest, and she, not having one, is at a disadvantage.

Tyra Mail! Go-sees.

The girls start at PT Models Shanghai with Susan Yung. PT is my shorthand for paper towels on my shopping lists.

Heather is worried because she knows that she doesn't make good first impressions. Jesus, does Jenah ever brush her hair?

The girls get a translator, a chauffered car and six hours to see five designers.

The first designer thinks that Sal is "so dull." Ha!

Chantal livens things up by wearing hot pink panties -- a definite modeling no-no. The designer would book her for print but not for the catwalk.

Heather wins this episode's quotable quote: "The map's in Chinese. It's all Greek to me." Two hours later, she still can't find her first go-see. When she finally gets there, she hears that she needs to work on her walk and her eye contact.

Jenah is flippant about a designer not liking her. She's all, "Oh, well, there's always the next one."

Then, it's party time. Sal is sitting outside one designer's studio as Bianca finishes up inside. Bi then asks Sal where the next designer is, and although Sal knows that it's right upstairs, she tells Bi that she doesn't know! HAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! That's called KARMA, bitch! SUCK ON IT!

Bianca interviews, "You bitch." And really, where does she get off? If their places were reversed, Bianca would have done the same damn thing.

Chantal sees Sal totally kissing ass and interviews about it rudely, and then turns around and does the same thing. Hypocrite.

Heather can't find her second go-see, so not wanting to be late, she decides to go back to the agency, but she can't find her driver. Shanghai traffic is, apparently, even more insane than New York or Chicago. But Sal makes it back with fifteen minutes to spare, and Bianca sneaks in under the wire.

Jenah is fifteen minutes late, Chantal is twenty, and Heather is forty. They are disqualified from the challenge. Susan Yang later meets the girls at a beautiful, harbor-side restaurant to announce the winner. To my surprise -- and chagrin -- it's Bianca, whose face floats by on a huge billboard barge ad for the 2008 Olympics.

Tyra Mail! But I didn't hear it because Dick and I were talking about Great Danes. Don't ask.

The girls arrive in some Chinese garden with beautiful bridges and lots of noisy bugs. Nigel is the photographer. The challenge is to stand-out amoung all the lions and dragons and crap around them.

Jenah immediately pisses off Nigel with an annoying immitation of him, to his face. Jeez, someone is always pissing off Nigel, aren't they? Maybe he's just too sensitive.

Jenah doesn't have her "usual energy" for the shoot and is upset not to receive any good feedback afterwards. In sharp contrast is Sal, who Jay has never seen this confident.

Bianca is looking mean, surprise surprise. Chantal looks too "showgirl," but she takes the critique seriously and does much better.

Heather decides that she's not going to overthink the shoot. Jay complains that she's second guessing herself. During her shoot, Nigel has to yell at the "peanut gallery" to quiet down, which probably wasn't helping Heather much.

Tyra Mail! Panel. Jenah is worried; Bianca is not. Susan Yang guest stars at panel, where Tyra informs the girls that only four of them will be going to Bejing.

Chantal was 20 minutes late for the challenge and was wearing taboo pink panties instead of beige. Faux pas! But Nigel says she was fun to shoot, and her picture is "kick-ass."

Bianca is the winner of the go-see challenge, and two of the three designers she saw booked her for work. In her photo, her body is great, but her face is asleep. Nigel says her movements aren't fluid, and she needs to relax.

Jenah was 15 minutes late for the challenge. The designers said she has a good walk but needs to be more personable and less messy in person. Her photo is great, but her sense of humor comes off as arrogant, which is off-putting. Why is this the first time we're hearing of this? She must be going home this week.

Sal has a good personality and is Nigel's favorite. The judges see a commercial girl who is finally looking high fashion.

Heather was 40 minutes late for the challenge, at which the judges all gasp in horror. Miss J says she needs a Top Model Ass-Whupping to get her walk in shape. Her photos are consistantly brilliant and sexy, but she's stiff in person.

Deliberations!

Bianca has to work too hard for a good pose. Heather looks great but can't communicate. Sal has great energy. Chantal needs more confidense. Jenah is good, but they're afraid of her personality, which is weird because Bianca is a much bigger bitch.

The girls are called back into the room, and Tyra calls Sal, Bianca and Chantal. Jenah and Heather are the Bottom Two. They approach Tyra holding hands, which is sweet.

Tyra tells them that they have the strongest photos of the five girls remaining, but they're not good communicators. Jenah gets her photo. Bianca smiles a bit, and I just want to slap that evil mouth right off her face.

Jenah is practically sobbing, and at first I think it's out of relief, but then I think it's because she feels so bad for Heather. Heather hugs all the girls, even Bianca because, unlike us, she doesn't know all the crappy stuff she's been saying about Heather behind her back. Poor Heather.

Heather interviews that she thought her autism would be too big of a problem to do well in the competition, but that she learned a lot while she was there, expecially about the kindness of others. "The experience is more than a prize," she says, which is pretty profound. All in all, Best Departing Speech Ever.

My new prediction: Sal and Chantal will be the Final Two.

Next week: Tyra is their photographer for a shoot at The Great Wall. Bianca fucks over Jenah, and I get my hopes up that the judges are FINALLY going to see what a harpie Bianca is.

November 26, 2007

"The Girls Go To Shanghai"

Previously on "America's Next Top Model," Heather fumbled and ran outta gas, and yet it was Ambreal who went home. I'm sure Ambreal is calling Al Sharpton right this very minute.

Tyra leaves some books for the girls so they can study up on China. It's so cute how she believes they can read. The girls pack their suitcases like crazed monkeys. Lisa is all upset about being in the Bottom Two last week, especially after enjoying Tyra's favor for so long.

Heather is packing and doesn't hear Bianca ask her to move so she can get by with her big-ass suitcase (or Heather is ignoring her, in which case I say, Hooray for passive aggression!). Finally, Heather moves, and Bianca interviews, "Send her ass home!"

If there is any justice in this world -- and if ANTM has taught us anything it's that there isn't -- Bianca will get sent home before Heather. And Bianca will have to suck on some bitter, sour grapes. And then perhaps make wine from them and drink herself to death.

The girls arrive in Shanghai, and Chantal says it's "an amazing, futuristic place. I feel like I'm on The Jetsens." Whereas Heather likens Shanghai to Vegas.

Jay and Miss J greet the girls... for no apparent reason because they're not even at their hotel, they're just at some random place where Jay probably liked the lighting or something. And then the girls move into their penthouse on the 63rd floor.

There are six girls and five beds, but one of the beds is huge, obviously meant to be shared. Sal nabs the huge bed but refuses to let Heather, the only one left bedless, sleep with her. Wait -- I thought Sal was one of the nice ones?

Bianca laughs in Heather's face. Heather cries. And really, can you blame her? She just came off a 14 hour plane ride, she's had to deal with Bianca's shit for weeks, and now someone who used to be kind to her is being a total bitch. I think I'd be at my boiling point, too.

Chantal thinks that Heather gets ganged up on a lot. She calmly states that the obvious solution is for two people who don't mind sleeping together to share the bed. Bianca and Jenah volunteer. Seriously, people, was that so hard?

Bianca interviews that she hates that Heather is 21 and needs people to stand up for her. Um, did Bianca miss the part where Heather has mild autism and has difficulty relating to people and is easily overwhelmed in social situations? Jesus, cut the girl some slack.

The girls arrive at some big film studio, where their "tour guide" is suddenly "attacked" by "ninjas," or some such shit. Tyra just kills me with the way she's always staging stuff. That whacky broad.

The girls learn the basics of martial arts, and since Bianca has the retention skills of a corn flake, she gets "sour," by her own admission. I just love it when people think that admitting their crappy behavior makes it okay. It's so charming.

The girls get changed into their faux-Chinese robes and are taken to a courtyard. There, they will have to don harnesses and do the poses they just learned 30 feet off the ground, a la "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon."

Heather is totally psyched to do it, but Bianca is freaking out because she's afraid of heights. Um, what was that about "not being able to handle modeling" and "having a nervous breakdown," Bianca?

Jenah and Chantal go up first and completely blank on all the poses, striking yet another blow against blondes everywhere.

Lisa is freaking out, too, but she keeps the goal in mind and eventually pulls her act together. She's up with Sal, who does pretty well.

Heather goes up with Bianca. Bianca says to Heather, "This is the only time you'll be able to kick my ass." Heh. As if her scrawny, scurvy body had an ass.

Bianca is crying, and it's just a soothing balm to my soul. Stupidly, Heather tries to pep-talk her into calming down. Oh, honey, don't bother. That bitch ain't gonna hate you any less no matter what you do, so just let her fail, like she was born to do.

Commercial break. And I must say, I really like Jaslene's My Life as a Cover Girl commercials more than any of the other winners'. I find her much more believable.

Bianca is crying and begging to be put back down on the ground. The guy running the challenge tells her that she'll be disqualified if she quits, and I get all excited, thinking she'll be disqualified from the competition. But no, she's just disqualified from the challenge. Big whoop.

Heather thinks it's a rush being up in the air. She loves it, and it shows in how graceful her poses are. She wins, natch. She gets $500+ for a shopping spree (which isn't much because, seriously, I could burn through that in under an hour -- I guess they're going to Old Navy) and to bring a friend.

She picks Chantal, and then she interviews that she almost picked Bianca. Probably as a kind of peace offering, which is stupid because Bianca would have just told her how crappy she looked when she tried stuff on. You can't kill that girl with kindness -- you have to cut off her head and stuff it with garlic.

I checked the ANTM official website, but it doesn't say how tall Heather is. I'd guess, if she's not six foot, she's darn close. So it's no surprise that she described their adventure on the streets of Shanghai as a couple of "giants in a land of little people." Quite a lame metaphor, if you ask me.

Tyra Mail! Something "inner queen," blah blah "let your beauty reign." And they are to bring their own outfits that best describe their personalities. Hmmm, I wonder if Bianca has anything skank-colored.

Turns out Cover Girl is selling their new Queen Collection, which is supposed to bring out the queen in you, or whatever.

Predictably, Heather chokes and can't memorize the lines. Sal is so adorable that Jay nearly goes straight. Bianca's voice is like fingernails on Satan's Chalkboard of Eternal, Writhing Agony, but she pulls it off. Jesus, the only thing she could sell me is a big ol' can of Shutthefuckup.

Back to Heather, who keeps blowing her lines, to the point where Jay has to feed her each one. Bianca watches and laughs. Jenah's eyes look amazing, but she needs thirteen takes.

Chantal is gorgeous and does pretty well. Lisa is terrified and totally tears up. I guess her inner queen is a real pussy.

Afterwards, Sal starts to lecture Lisa on what she needs to do, and Lisa blows her off, making Sal mad. Like, seriously, advice after the fact is really, really annoying. Sal should know that. Guess she's gearing up to be the new bitch once Bianca gets kicked to the curb.

Then Bianca starts talking smack, "They're not gonna send me home because I won't go flying thirty feet in the air -- I won't let them!" God, wouldn't that be awesome? Bianca's in the Bottom Two, and the other chick gets called, so Bianca tackles Tyra and yanks her wig off!

Heather and Lisa are also nervous but less full of smack.

Evaluations!

Tyra calls Lisa on crying during her commercial shoot and almost crying right there at panel. Her words of wisdom? "Let it go." Brilliant. THAT'S why she gets the big bucks, ladies and gentlemen. However, Lisa does get props for pulling her shit together and getting a "charming and approachable" photo.

Chantal looks like "Rebecca from Sunnybrook Farms." Is she related to Anne of Green Gables? Cuz I love that mini-series. One Sunday, I watched every damn episode ever made, back to back. Pure awesome.

Bianca tries to make her fear of heights about "trust issues," which just makes her more of a bitch. Her shoot is "flawed but beautiful." She shows attitude but is, apparently, "still approachable." I'm so sick of her. Have I mentioned that?

Jenah looks charming and "went for it with reckless abandon."

Sal was great the way she flirted with the camera, but her smile is all squinty in the photos.

Heather's commercial is completely screwed up, but the judges take turns masturbating to her photo. It shows a "different side of her." A side where she's smiling. Awwwwwww, remember smiling, Heather? In your life before Bianca?

Deliberations!

Lisa is getting weak. Chantal is Twiggy and Tyra's favorite flavor of the week.

Heather is gorgeous, but they're not sure she could handle a major client like Cover Girl. They don't see a whole lot of progress in Sal.

Jenah is not showing any beauty from within, and they're not sure she's completely invested in the competition. Bianca's delivery was hideous, but she has a great smile.

Tyra calls Chantal, Sal, Bianca and Jenah, leaving Heather and Lisa in the Bottom Two, and leaving Wenchie hysterical that Heather might get cut.

Lisa can't handle critique, and Heather can't deliver lines. Heather gets her photo because there's "something there." Lisa thanks Tyra and leaves graciously. Wenchie breathes a sigh of relief.

Next episode -- designer go-sees. Which we all know means we're going to see some tears and/or temper.

November 15, 2007

"The Girl Who Starts To Lose Her Cool"

Previously, on "America's Next Top Model," Tyra wore a wig, and Miss J's afro got even bigger.

Lisa has been riding her crest of number-one-ness and feels pressure to stay there. God, I know how she feels! Heather is so sad about Sarah leaving and doesn't want anyone else to go. (Of course, the unspoken clause is, "Except Bianca.")

Bianca, in turn, tries to psych Heather into failing by spouting her "nervous breakdown" shit some more. Whatever happened to the Bianca that was actually a decent human being for an episode or two? Did the exorcism not take?

Tyra Mail! Schooled and a-mused.

Oh God. Benny Ninja lives up to his name and is wearing a... shirt reminiscent of... ancient Japanese armor? And a kilt. In the name of all that is holy, Benny Ninja has no business wearing The Pinnacle of Hottness that is The Kilt. People, even HE is not gay enough to pull off the combined Samuri/Braveheart look.

Anyhoo, they're at some school of fashion called F.I.D.M., where each girl is going to be paired with a designer. It's the girls' job to inspire their designer to create a dress specifically for her. So really, it's much more about the designers than the models, and they should be judged on if they were able to discern a shred of personality in their assigned model.

Bianca "ain't feelin'" her designers idea of Cleopatra. And neither am I. Think Ghetto-patra. Lisa likes to show her legs, which inspires her designer to put her in a short skirt. Voila! A match made in heaven!

Heather's designer just flat out doesn't get her. She should wear a shirt that says, "I'm not a bitch, I'm just autistic." And how tired am I of hearing Bianca bitch about how Heather doesn't have to do anything or try. Jesus Q. Christ, whine, whine, whine.

The winner gets to do a holiday jewelry spread in Seventeen.

Upon seeing their dresses, Bianca and Heather both think that their's is "not me." But Benny Ninja Samuri Braveheart ain't havin' it and orders the girls to "own it!"

Bianca does her "Cleopatra with an attitude" schtick. Okay, can she do anything without attitude? Because I'm not seeing the versatility that Tyra demands. I know Tyra hates to cut a sistah, but seriously, when is this bitch going home?

Heather gets stage fright and completely flubs her lines, which I might do, too, if forced to say something as retarded as "spirit of the ocean." I'm not worried -- Tyra loves her too much to send her home over one bad day.

Ambreak skipped and was darling. Jenah was an awesome "rock star ballerina." Lisa sucked and cried. Hee! She has shitty hair. Chantal was a "goddess Barbie," which makes me like her by default. Sal was a girly treat in her pixie ensemble. Her little wink made Chantal barf, which makes me love her pixie-ness even more.

(Okay, I think I'm giving Tyra a run for her money in the Fickle Bitch of the Year contest.)

In the critiques, Ambreal is accused of rushing and overselling her dress. Jerks. Bianca was more attitude than dress. Lisa's flubs completely derailed her.

Heather was blah and couldn't deliver her lines (which makes Bianca squeeeeeeeeeee with delight). And then Heather gives the Best Excuse Ever for not "owning" her spirit of the ocean dress -- "I'm not a water sign; I'm a fire sign."

BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Sal wins and picks two friends -- Bianca and Lisa -- a crime I can't forgive. She is dead to me.

Heather is really upset about how bad she sucked, and the other girls console her, except Bianca's consoling sounds like, "You need to get tougher skin."

Tyra Mail! Burnt out, the heat is on.

I have to ask -- when the hell are they going to do the Naughty Catholic School Girl shoot? I'm just sayin'.

Lisa and Sal race into the GROUP SHOWER, but Heather is mad because she called it first. Unfortunately, the shots of three naked girls in the steamy shower yelling at each other doesn't even have any hair-pulling or pixelated nipples. Heather snaps and Sal runs scared, making Bianca laugh her ass off.

In all fairness, I'm surprised that MORE girls don't lose their shit after spending EVERY SINGLE SECOND with a bunch of strangers, without even t.v. or anything. Sweet Jesus, I'd stab them in the jugular with my mascara brush.

The girls have their earliest wake-up call ever. They road trip it to the middle of the desert, where Jay describes a photo shoot with a burning car. He talks about "model wasteland" and "desperation." Oh, that Jay, such a painter of pictures.

Bianca goes first, and Jay tells her she is "wearing me out with how fabulous you are." I vomit into Dick's slipper. Heather looks lost and awkward, but not in her usual good way.

Sal uses her anger at Jay's criticism to make the shoot work for her. Ambreal frustrates Jay with her posing. Because models... aren't supposed to pose. Apparently.

Jenah is an amazing amazer who amazes. Lisa doesn't work the garment.

Bianca is dying to hear from Heather what Jay said to make her cry. Because she's a vampire and feeds off the pain of others. Ambreal feels that Heather is babied by the other girls. Heather admits to having a hard time. Hmm. Me thinks she is losing her House Pet Status.

Tyra Mail! Judging. Heather is really worried. But I'm not.

Wait, now I am. A Chinese dragon just showed up. And Tyra is... talking to it. Eek. I love Tyra's flair for the theatrical, and how it always falls short.

Oh, it's a lion, and six of the seven girls standing in front of Tyra are going to China. Is that what lions look like in China? What a strange and beautiful country!

Jenah's photo is fab. She's broken down, in a good way. She was all over the place in her film, in a good way.

Heather is brilliant, but this was her weakest shoot. She admits to having "one of those weeks," and Tyra counsels her to compartmentalize.

Sal is good but not striking. She took chances on her film, but not often enough.

Chantal's photo is her best ever. Tyra gives her a tongue-bath and says her legs look as long as the desert.

Ambreal looks good facially, but her garment is hidden.

Bianca looks like she just set the car on fire. Why isn't anyone calling her on the fact that ANGRY is her only emotion?

Lisa looks short, and that's weird because girl is talllllllllllllll.

Deliberations.

Okay, this commercial is just wrong. You know the one with the panty liner riding the mechanical bull? Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Jenah has all the goods.

Tyra still loves Heather's mystery and thinks she's hott.

Sal is drop-dead gorgeous but also someone you'd want to hang out with.

Chantal is finally not looking sugary-sweet. Tyra thinks she looks like Cheryl Tiegs, which causes Husband to go to his happy place and recall "looking at" Tiegs' famous bathing suit photos.

Ambreal is just not special enough and doesn't know how to pose. See, Heather? You're not going home!

Bianca blah blah kick butt blah blah strong blah blah BORING! When will they learn???

Lisa is going downhill and doesn't photograph "fresh enough," i.e. she looks old.

Called in order of love: Bianca, Jenah, Sal, Chantal and Heather. (Cut to Bianca's sullen face.)

Lisa and Ambreal are in the Bottom Two, and no one is surprised when Lisa gets her photo, least of all Ambreal.

Next episode, the girls are in Shanghai, and a Cover Girl shoot totally fucks with their heads. Awesome.

November 08, 2007

"The Girls Who Crawl"

Previously on "America's Next Top Model," Wenchie ate pudding and did her nails while watching the episode, and still managed to write a recap that was way too long.

Okay, before I start -- did anyone see the episode of the Tyra Banks Show where she talked about What's Up Down There? Tyra Banks and vaginas! I can't believe I missed it! If you have it TiVo-ed, lemme know because I'm coming over. I'll bring cookies and wine!

So, the girls are talking about Ebony's decision to go and how it was the right thing for her to do. Ambreal is very aware that she's "not supposed to be here," so she has to prove that she belongs in the competition.

Sarah is scared about her weight, since she now no longer fits in any modeling category. She's not super-thin, and she's not big enough. So basically, there's no room for NORMAL in modeling. There's so much wrong with that, I can't even go into it.

Chantal talks about how the "other girls are lacking," but that she's "got it all." A sure sign that she's going home.

The ever-charming Bianca is talking smack about Heather right in front of her, right to her face. She says that Heather doesn't do anything and doesn't work at anything. The other girls start to defend her, and Bianca wonders why they all stick up for her.

Um, maybe because it's human nature? Maybe because you're forcing them to defend her by always harping on her? Maybe because it's human instinct to want to protect anyone being treated badly or unfairly? It's not a mystery, bitch!

Bianca hates that they treat her differently. Frankly, I don't see any coddling going on. I just see the girls aware that Heather has some challenges, and they are trying to make her comfortable.

Then Bianca adds that they shouldn't be making the competition easier for Heather because "she's kicking your asses."

Tyra Mail! "This is why I'm hot, and this is why you're not." ... Wigs?

The girls have to put on skin colored leotards, which are not flattering on ANYONE. Then Tyra comes in a la Debbie Allen and gives them the dance teacher's lecture from "Fame."

The girls need to learn how to move sexily for film. I think Tyra really has her work cut out for her. As pretty as these girls are, frankly, they're too young and gangly to be very sexy. And Sarah is the only one with any butt to speak of.

The girls learn a sexier runway walk, "eye penetration" (ew), coyness, sliding down a wall (legs together) and crawling. And when doing all these things, the emphasis is on classy sexy, not hootchie. And I don't think that really classy women crawl or slide down walls, but what do I know.

Tyra voice-overs that Chantal is "running on half a tank of gas" and "not pushing." Yup, she's going home.

Bianca "holds back" and "becomes insecure" when Tyra coaches her. And when Tyra gushes all over Heather, Bianca interviews that "Heather can do no wrong."

Tyra says that Heather has a "Tim Burton-esque sexuality." Oh my God. Is that a good thing?

Feeling discouraged that she hasn't broken Heather's will to live, yet, Bianca finds a new victim. As she and Sarah stand at the mirror in the bathroom, Bianca tactlessly says, "I weigh the most of all the girls in the house."

Sarah just gives her a tired, are-you-fucking-kidding-me look and says, "Do you really wanna play that game?" And then walks away.

Tyra Mail! Something about musicians and the spotlight. I guess I would be as excited as the girls, if I didn't already know that it's Enrique Iglesias, and he's about as believable as a heterosexual dreamboat as I am as a nun.

Jessie Terrero is there, and he's apparently some big-time video director. But he's not on Wikipedia, so how famous could he be? (Okay, I just checked to see if I'm on Wikipedia. I'm not.)

Oh my God. The costumes are totally Caberet-Drag-Queen. They're all black pleather and strappy and buckles and netting. Terrero says he's going for a "vampire-esque, goth look," but this ain't it. Don't vampires wear, like, head-to-toe velvet and capes and such?

One of the girls is to have a "featured role," but they cut to commercial before it's announced. Of course.

Oh Lord. Drew Barrymore is touting Cover Girl now. Is she hard up for money or something? I'm just saying, a big Hollywood name like Drew is not going to Walmart and buying Cover Girl. She's getting free shit from NARS and Laura Mercier and such. I'm just sayin'.

And the featured girl is Lisa. Blech. She's definitely not one of my favorites. Terrero says she has "the right vibe." Thin hair is a vibe now? And in a surprise move, he also picks Heather for a featured role. (And judging from the video, "featured role" means you get to touch Enrique.)

Bianca is all, "Are you kidding me?!"

Chantal brags that, "I have this natural talent" and blah, blah, blah. On film, Terrero says she's "stiff" and "didn't own it." HA! She's soooooooo going home.

Ambreal got to do a wall slide. Hootchie-mama. Lisa really "got into" her featured part, which was all of 3 seconds.

Then Heather is hunched over in the corner, having not eaten for 12 hours, and it being incredibly hot on the set. Yeah, um, I'm pretty sure it's illegal not to feed your extras for 12 hours, so what the hell is up with that? She barfs, can't walk, can't breathe, and yet the only ones who seemed concerned are the other girls. Nice.

They give her oxygen and a banana. Hey, how about a meatball sub or something, huh? Heather interviews that it warmed her heart to see how concerned the other girls were.

Bianca starts her two cents with, "I hate to be a bitch, but..." She says that the modeling life is too much for Heather, who won't be able to take it and will have a "nervous breakdown." Way to blow it out of proportion, Bianca. That's quite a case of wishful thinking you have there.

[By the way, here's the video on YouTube, and there's not one ANTM chick in it. Here's the one on the ANTM website.]

Tyra Mail! Judging.

Chantal is all, "I'm not nervous. This is what I was born to do. I'll still be here next week." Oh, she is so getting eliminated.

Everyone takes a look at the girls' takes. Lisa's is good acting. Saliesha surprises everyone by looking devilish. Sarah looks wicked but uncomfortable with her body. Heather looks evil and demonic, which is a good thing. Jenah looks too cute. Chantal is holding back. Bianca is sexy but not fluid and does too much kissy stuff.

Deliberations.

Lisa is very strong on film. Ambreal has no magic. Jenah is not in control of her sexiness. Well, neither am I, for that matter. It just spills all over the place -- I can't help it!

Heather is a little off but stepped it up. She's awkward but takes direction well. Saliesha is good. Sarah is "no plus-size," but the camera loves her. Chantal fell flat. Bianca has a bad-ass confidence that was right for the role.

Tyra calls, in the order of her fickle affection: Lisa, Heather, Sal, Bianca, Ambreal (who is surprised not to be in the Bottom Two) and Jenah.

Sarah and Chantal are in the Bottom Two. Sarah is very good, but her place in the industry is confusing, i.e. she's not fat enough or thin enough. Chantal is just coasting, and her shoot was a waste of film.

Chantal gets her pic--WHAT?! Chantal gets to stay?! What the hell??? Sarah is sobbing her eyes out, as is Husband. He loves Sarah. I just can't believe that boring-ass Chantal gets to stay. There is no justice.

Next episode: Heather finally loses it with Bianca. In the shower. Sweet.

November 05, 2007

"The Girl Who Runs Into the Glass Door"

While the title of this episode sounds promising, I didn't really rush to get this recap done because it's one of those Recap of the First Half of the Show episodes. (Done for whose benefit, I can't imagine.) In fact, I only just watched the episode last night.

I'm not going to recap the stuff we've already seen. Just the bonus extras... or the parts I missed because I was getting pudding from the fridge.

Thirty-three broke-down models set sail. But first! They had to get through Cap'n J's Fashion Check Point, where he made all the girls open their luggage so he could throw away their tights, hootchie skirts, etc.

I'm telling you right now, I could watch an entire hour of Miss J emptying these girls' suitcases and mocking their fashion choices. Unfortunately, all I got was 10 seconds.

It's interesting to see how Ebony was at the beginning of the season, before the panel of judges pulverized her will to live. What a bitch! She openly confesses that she's going to ruin the other "bitches'" self-esteem in order to win. Huh. Guess that didn't go too well, eh?

Miss Yale gets sick on the boat. And I think they showed that before, but I just really enjoyed it. She was such a self-righteous little twat.

And then there's Spontaniouse. Don't correct me -- she doesn't spell it right, either. She and her accent are from Alabama, and she tells the panel a very graphic story of how spontaneous her birth was, and that's why her Mom named her that. Ew.

There's a montage that Tyra prefaces with some bullshit about "poise and grace," so the clips of clumsy, screaming, running, falling girls is no surprise.

HA! Biana runs into a glass door! Like a bird! Or a model with the I.Q. of a bird! Oh my God, that's so awesome. And they show the very detailed face-grease mark she leaves on the glass. It's disturbing.

Tyra's "No Smoking Season" rule forces Jenah to quit cold turkey, which she deals with by pelting the other models with... small heads of lettuce? I can't tell, but they hurt, and the girls aren't happy.

Then, in a fantastic display of karma, Jenah smacks her face on the bottom of the pool, chipping her tooth. Bwaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Unfortunately, the procedure to fix it is painless.

Long-haired Bianca, who is decidedly different than bald Bianca, throws down with Saliesha for no apparent reason, so Chantal jumps in the mix and goes totally Jerry Springer on Bianca. It's ridiculous. What could have been a lovely and heroic moment is turned into, "This is how you walk!" "Yeah? Well, this is how you walk!"

Bianca interviews that she decided to mess with Heather. She cuts in front of Heather, who is waiting to use the phone. And then she defends her actions by saying that Heather is acting 12. I hope that, for the rest of her life, Bianca is embarassed by her actions on national television. She's entirely pointless. She shouldn't even exist.

And in another splendid karmic event, Kim is sent home, and Bianca is left feeling very lonely. HA!

Jenah helps Bianca plunge a toilet. Looks like Biance used an entire roll of toilet paper. Let's not go there.

Sal stresses frantically over her new, short hair-do.

Well, it's a good thing they didn't give Ambreal extensions because she "hates hair." She says it feels like "bugs and spiderwebs." I have so many theories about this. What the hell kind of house did she grow up in?

We see Miss Yale jumping down Twiggy's throat again, and Tyra calls her abraisive. Miss Yale interviews something about how she "comes off as" abraisive, but she's not.

Lemme give you a little life lesson here. If everyone thinks you "come off as" something, then you ARE that something. It's not a mistake that the entire world is making. It's a personality flaw that you should probably spend some time reflecting on.

Jenah steals Sarah's bikini top in the pool, so Sarah steals Jenah's, and they both run through the house topless. I wonder if the crew is all female or what?

Bald Bianca has the other girls play a game with her. She tears up some tissue and puts it in the middle of their little circle. The girls all take however many pieces they want, and for every piece, they have to tell something really personal about themselves.

Bianca explains why she's such a bitch, and instead of using it as an excuse to continue to be a bitch, takes the opportunity to compliment all the girls. This must be the turning point where she becomes a decent human being. It's the Miricle of the Tissue Game. I'm so doing this at my next Movie Night.

Oh God. It's Tyra "rap session" with the girls. This time, it's about body image. Some chick doctor joins them, along with Dani, to talk about being told to lose weight, as they inevitably will be.

Dani was told to lose, and she was mad and scared and didn't want to betray herself... so she lost the weight. The whole thing basically boils down to a lot of lip service because Tyra's final message is, "Do whatever it takes to make your dream happen." Nice.

Then we have to watch the whole painful encounter with that hot, black guy. Not much to say except to repeat Sarah's reaction, which is perhaps the most quotable quote of the season:

"Once he looked at my boobs, but he was really classy and subtle about it."

Love it. And you can't top that so why try?

Tune in later this week for the Julio Inglesias video gone horribly awry.

October 28, 2007

"The Girl Who Gets a Mango"

Previously on "America's Next Top Model:" jumping, skating, crying, Janet goes home.

"You wanna be on top?" asks Tyra. Oh, quit falling in love with me, you misguided minx. It could never work.

Ebony is tired of the criticism, i.e. Jay saying she's "dry" and "too serious." So she's going to smile and "come off like a nice person."

Notice, she's not going to BE a nice person, she's just hoping to "come off" as one. Well, it's nice to know she entertains no delusions.

Ambreal is on the phone with her Dad and asks him to pray for her. Dudes, when I'm on the phone with my Dad, I'm already praying because I'm sure that Mom is dead. That's how often I'm on the phone with my Dad.

Heather is upset because she didn't realize she was giving only profiles in her photos. Biance says something half-heartedly encouraging, which is much better than her usual approach of giving Heather a swirly while screaming "Rain Man!" in her face. Clearly, she's plotting to kill Heather.

Tyson Beckford shows up, and apparently he's some great big piece of Big Deal, but I'd never heard of him. Dude doesn't even have his own website, so how can he be a big deal! I'm a bigger deal than Tyson Beckford. And Jesus. I'm a bigger deal than Jesus.

Tyson tells the girls to "use your good looks to better the world." I just love how delusional models are. They are to choose an item from the kitchen and use sex to sell it.

Well, that's easy. I do it all the time! "Here are the dirty dishes you left in the sink. Wash them, or you'll never see me naked again."

But the girls try another approach and make gross innuendos towards Tyson using various foods and small appliances. This would be hot, if only any one of them had an ounce of true sexuality running through their veins.

Tyson manhandles Heather, and she keeps her shit together nicely. She's my hero. But Ambreal will be sleeping with rotting fruit beneath her pillow for weeks because "Tyson ate my mango."

Tyra Mail! Something about being recognized, not just for your face, but for your cause.

The girls will be split into three, 3-person teams to do a 30 second spot for "Keep a Child Alive."

Heather, Ambreal and Jenah are a team. They have no idea what to say and totally suck wad. They use cue cards and chant their lines like corpses.

Bianca, Lisa and Chantal are a team. They had a great idea but flubbed their lines and forgot the name of the charity.

Sal, Ebony and Sarah are all from Africa, apparently. They are totally going to win, so says I.

But I am wrong. The suckwads win. And they win five-fucking-hundred dollars worth of product from Carol's Daughter. I'm nauseated with jealousy. Unworthy bitches.

Heather's name is drawn out of a... half of a coconut? So she gets to do a photo shoot for Carol's Daughter directed by Mary J. Blige, who is obviously disappointed to get a white girl because she fake-tans Heather. Which really makes her look great, so I'm torn.

Both MJB and the photographer (who is another "world famous" guy I've never heard of) both interview that they see her going far in the modeling industry and would totally book her.

Tyra Mail! Something about recycling outfits, and the girls think they are going to be "wearing trash." And the joke is so obvious here, I'm not even going to take it.

The girls have pizza and chicken nuggets for dinner, which means that The Girl Child is totally destined to be America's Next Top Model. They eat in the closet... because it's... warm in there? Or something? And they call it a sleep-over? I'm confused. Were they all raised in caves?

Ebony wants to go home. Heather continues to baffle Bianca.

Jay is at the photo shoot when the girls arrive, and he is so Tyra's bitch, y'all. Miss J gets to show up and walk a runway once in a while and then be on panel with the rest of the judges. While Jay is the one doing all the work.

The girls are going to do a high fashion editorial with different recycled material. (I know there's a Hillary joke in here somewhere, but I just can't find it tonight. Anyone?)

Heather is aluminum cans in a silver Jetson's outfit; Chantal is shredded paper in a kicky, flapper dress; Sarah is garbage bags and looks like my 1987 prom.

Sal is tires and knocks down part of the set; Ebony is bubble wrap, and who hasn't dreamed wrapping themselves in bubble wrap? -- but she is clearly phoning it in; Jenah is cardboard boxes.

Biance is oil and finally "smiling with her eyes;" Lisa is plastic bottles; Ambreal is newspaper.

Tyra Mail! Judging, the very thought of which causes Ebony to start chewing her lips. She "can't handle the criticism" and doesn't "think it's fair." Um, was she unaware of the contest aspect of the show?

At judging, Miss J and Nigel are both sporting 'fros, and Tyra looks classier than I've ever seen her look. I think Twiggy dressed her.

Sal took a great photo. Jenah's photo has attitude, and the girl in front of the judges finally looks like the girl in the photos. And I'm finally the kind of person that my dog thinks I am. Whatever.

Ambreal looks sleepy and has "dead eyes," which we all know is the kiss of death. Say good-bye to Ambreal, kiddies! Lisa's problem is that she looks like "Modeling 101," and her poses are too obvious.

Bianca's face is stunning, and it's obvious that she practiced, so you know Tyra is eating that shit up. Sarah looks very high fashion.

Ebony is snarling in her photo. Eek. Chantal's photo with the crazy hair is magic, and I must admit, as boring as she looks in person, she takes some rockin' photos.

Then it's Heather's turn, so the judges take out their golden spoons and prepare to eat her up. She won the challenge, AND she took a photo looking straight into the camera (instead of profile), which the judges can't stop cooing over, despite the fact that I think her nose looks huge.

Deliberations!

Sal is improving. Jenah is sensational. Ebony doesn't want to hear their criticism. Which is true, but frankly, I'm pretty sure Miss J could make me cry in 30 seconds or less, so I can't really get too down on Ebony. At least she doesn't argue with them like Miss Yale did.

Sarah is... something that looks like "prttinstfoer," plus she's still losing weight, which continues to annoy Tyra because she hates being the fattest one in the room.

Bianca is in the top five best girls, but Lisa is stagnant. Heather is the best of the bunch.

Ambreal is meh. Chantal looks like the wind machine took over, and the judges are split on weather it's awesome or not. Hey -- at least she's taking risks, people!

Sal, Jen, Heather, Bianca, Sarah, Chantal and Lisa are called, leaving Ebony and Ambreal in the Bottom Two because they used to know how to model but have forgotten.

Tyra hands Ebony her photo, but in a surprise move, Ebony tells Tyra that she "don't wanna be here."

Instead of assuming that Ebony is a decent girl who has found that she doesn't like whoring herself out on national television, Tyra accuses Ebony of not liking "people telling you that you're not perfect."

But instead of taking Tyra's bait, Ebony simply says that "the chance should be given to someone who really wants it." Like Ambreal.

Tyra calls her a quitter and that she hates quitters, but Ebony is just so happy to be outta there. Now she gets to pee in private!

Ebony interviews that she told Tyra she was sorry for wasting her time, but modeling is just not what makes her happy.

They they show a video of Ebony's audition where she begs to be in the competition. Which I'm sure they meant to be a slam, but I think it just proves that Tyra and her flying monkeys delight in destroying young ladies' dreams.

Next episode: Tyra teaches them some "moves," the girls film a music video (PLEASE, GOD, don't let Tyra be releasing another single!!!), and someone gets carted off in an ambulence. Awesome!

And while we're on the subject of fashion, although the navy eyeshadow didn't work out, I totally need some navy nail polish. Oh, I'm going to the mall on Tuesday! I'll get some them, so me and Vicki and Heather can be triplets.

October 17, 2007

"The Girl Who Was Afraid of Heights"

Previously, on "America's Next Top Model,"... I don't know. Bitchery, crying, underwear, does it really matter?

The house is a MESS, and the girls are eating on the furniture with food falling out of their mouths. To make it clear how much this disgusts me, I will tell you my Joe story.

Joe, my Barbie friend, is a wonderful person. He's gracious, generous, and has a lovely singing voice. However, whenever I mention him, it's like, "You know, my friend Joe. He can eat an entire McDonald's Big Breakfast in my car and not spill one crumb."

That's how much I abhorr slovenliness and cherish neatness. Cleanliness IS godliness.

I think Janet, like, bitched them out and got them organized with chores and stuff, but I wasn't really paying attention because Egrau called, and I hadn't talked to her in EONS, so I wasn't about to say, "Not now -- America's Next Top Model is on." But believe me, if it was anyone else, I would have.

We talked about migraines and thyroids and our uteruses (uterii? utereese?). And then I'm like, "Dude, we've been talking about medical shit for half an hour like we're 80."

And she's like, "Well, I can tell you about the pretzel incident I had on a flight yesterday."

And I'm like, "You had a pretzel incident and waited this long to tell me???"

I'll tell you the pretzel incident some other time.

Tyra Mail! "Spring forward, fall back." Oh no! The girls will face the difficult challenge of changing all the clocks in the house!

Benny Ninja is having the girls jump on a trampoline and pose at the top of the jump. When did he become a regular? He freaks me out. I'll bet he can suck his own penis -- he's that limber.

And remember, girls -- you can't have trampoline without tramp! Work those poses!

And suddenly, there are naked girls in the pool, and I have no idea why because I'm still on the phone with Egrau. The naughty bits are pixelated anyway.

The girls are taken to the IceOPlex where some skaters are showing off. They're going to have to pose in the air on the ice. Yikes. Some guy named Lloyd Eisler is there, and he has a TERRIBLE beard. It's like someone pasted a big, square patch of faux gorilla fur on his chin.

And listen to what Wikipedia has to say about this Canadian douchebag:

"Eisler appeared in the 2006 FOX television program Skating with Celebrities in which he was partnered with actress Kristy Swanson. They reportedly began an affair while his wife Marcia was eight months pregnant with their second child. Representatives for both Eisler and Swanson have confirmed the couple are dating, but deny that the affair began before the Eislers filed formal separation papers in November 2005.

"His wife Marcia has resumed using her maiden name and also changed their children's names to her maiden name as well. Swanson and Eisler welcomed a son at 1:36 p.m. on Friday, February 16, 2007 and named him Magnus Hart Swanson Eisler.

"Effective October 6th, 2006, Eisler was suspended from coaching in Canada by Skate Canada. This was after allegedly sending sexually suggestive e-mail to a 15-year-old student. Eisler was coaching in the United States, where the Canadian Ban does not apply, at the time it was announced."

So, yeah, this is the guy you want fondling impressionable, young models. Good call, Tyra.

Hey, it's Dani! She looks... miserable. I guess even beautiful people get PMS. Mind you, at this point, I'm still on the phone with Egrau and only half-watching the girls get held in their air by Canada's Biggest Skating Douchebag.

Heather can't seem to do a damn thing. It's weird. Lisa wins. Bianca fumes. Lisa gets to do a photo session with Dani featuring plaid clothing. I assume it's for Seventeen?

Tyra Mail! "Never look down." Unless you're not sure if you zipped your fly.

Jay is on top of a tall building. Ambreal sees him and starts crying. Maybe it's the height, maybe it's Jay... I'm just saying.

The girls are all in Matrix leather pretending to be gargoyles. Boy, they're really running out of stuff, eh?

Ambreal is freaking out. Ebony is "dull as dishwater," and then she gets in front of the camera and is "amazing," according to Jay, who can't figure her out.

I finally get off the phone with Egrau, after a 52 min. call.

Tyra Mail! Judging. Lisa and Ambreal are nervous. Why is Lisa nervous? Didn't she win the skating challenge? I missed something here, and I think it had something to do with people hating on Lisa.

The girls get to see their best photos.

Ebony is stunning and shows no fear. She still won't smile for Tyra because her "gums are too big."

Chantals legs are to die for, and yet Twiggy thinks she's "not raunchy." Twiggy's so sweet.

Ambreal's pose is robotic and almost comedic. She looks uncomfortable.

Sarah is very ungargoyle-like. And you'd think that would be a compliment, but not in Tyra World.

Bianca is one of the best shots they've seen. Tyra loves her eyes which are in an "open squint." Now I wanna see Snippy Bitch imitate the open squint.

Janet's underwear is showing in her photo.

Lisa's body is great, her shape is great, she looks scary and awesome, very gargoyley. But Mama Tyra can see some hurt in her, and Lisa confesses that the other girls have grown "distant" from her. Tyra helpfully tells her to "never dull your shine." And Miss J tells it like it is with a simple, "Jealousy!"

Heather is stunning, as always, but is always giving a profile shot. It's her comfort zone because she doesn't like eye contact. The judges tell her to change that.

Jenah is strong and beautiful in photos, but needs more polish in person.

Sal looks high fashion, and Tyra thinks that being scared of being in the Bottom Two again pushed her to really excell.

Deliberations.

Ebony is two people. Chantal needs to be less sexy. Ambreal is not high fashion. Sarah just doesn't work.

Bianca is beautiful and totally sold it this week.

Janet doesn't look like a model. Lisa lacks confidence but looks amazing. The judges want to see another side of Heather -- like the front.

Jenah is extraordinary. Sal gave great eye contact.

The girls are called, in order of how much fickle Tyra likes them this week: Lisa, Bianca, Ebony, Chantal, Jenah, Sal, Heather and Sarah.

Janet and Ambreal are in the Bottem Two. Because Janet needs too much coaching, and Ambreal is getting worse instead of better. But Tyra loves her sistahs, so Janet gets sent packing.

She cries and says, "Mama Janet has left the building." Oh, that's the reason. Tyra doesn't like having another Mama around!

Next week... I don't know. I had to pee.

I'm outta town Thursday night through Sunday night, my darlings! Catch you on the flip side! In the meantime, own your look and BE FIERCE!

October 14, 2007

"The Girl Who Goes Bald"

Previously on "America's Next Top Model," Miss J is a nurse, Kimberly goes home... and I wrote something that looks like IIrenoir. Huh. No idea.

Snippy Bitch is watching this episode with me, and during the commercial break that follows the opening credits, she does her imitation of Tyra doing, "Dead eyes. Live eyes! Dead eyes. Live eyes!" Hee!

Victoria is confessing to the other girls that she feel at a disadvantage because modeling wasn't even her dream until three weeks ago. Uh-oh, don't let Tyra find out!

Sal tells the group that she's "never gonna be in the bottom two." I call foreshadowing!

Tyra mail! Something about metamorphesis, and the girls go wild, knowing that they're getting makeovers. I wouldn't be so excited if I were them. I mean, have they ever seen the show?

Chantal thinks they're going to cut all her hair off, and I hope they do because she's boring as toast.

Jay, Miss J and Tyra are there. Miss J has to get in on the act and is wearing a skull shirt. Enough with the Wenchie shout-outs! I get it -- you love me! Sheesh! Can't we just keep this between Tyra and I? Next think you know, Nigel will show up in an eyepatch or something.

Instead of artist's renderings, this time, we get to see how the girls will look through the help of a little C.G.I. Which looks like crap, so I hope they didn't blow the budget on it. Bianca is going Beyonce, Chantal is getting a weave, Jenah (formerly Jenna) is going blonde...

Wait! Who's getting shaved?

The weave/wig they take off Ebony looks extremely painful. I mean, it's like glued and sewn to her head! Ow! Someone says they hope she didn't pay a lot for the wig, and she says it was free.

All the makeovers are totally cute. Well, except Sal, who looks like Prince Valiant. Why would they cover up her eyes and cheekbones like that?

Appropo of nothing, Lisa has really bad hair. It's like 80-year-old-lady thin. Definately not model hair.

Jay is talking to one stylist about the blonde highlights that are supposed to go in Bianca's hair, but her hair is way too damaged. Jay tells Bianca that her hair is beyond saving, and they're going to have to shave it all off and use wigs for photo shoots. They even have a Beyonce-esque wig handy to give her. Who keeps that kind of shit on hand? It's probably one of Miss J's.

She's upset and feels "defeated," but as they cut and shave, she just sits there silenty and wipes away the occassional tear. I must say, she really takes it like a trooper, compared to girls in past seasons. It's quite disappointing. I want drama! And frankly, we ALL wanted to see Miss Thing brought low.

Tyra mail! Something about "backstage." Ooooh, couch auditions?

Nigel is there, causing Sarah to moisten her panties, but Nigel's wife is there, too, so alas, they're forbidden love must wait. Some Cover Girl consultant is there, too.

This is the make-up challenge, and the winner will shoot a little "how-to" video for Cover Girls newly revamped website. Well, whoop-di-shit.

The girls have five minutes to do their make-up -- the theme is "dramatic eyes and nude lips" -- find their dress among huge racks of clothes, and walk down the runway.

Sarah wins with her "winged eye" which is a "big gamble." I'm underwhelmed, but whatever. Lisa is just glad that Sal didn't win.

And for those of you who care, here's Sarah's video. (You have to scroll down past the garish Top Model ad at the top.)

Tyra mail! Are you ready to be deflowered? From the other room, Husband yells, "Yeah, baby!"

There's a photoshoot in the woods, and the girls are all going to be different kinds of flowers and plants.

One time, for a performance of "Iolanthe," Lola Beth made the costumes for the chorus of fairies, and I was an iris.

It breaks down like this: Bianca, sunflower; Janet, hydrangia; Heather, weeds; Chantal, baby's breath; Lisa, bamboo; Sal, tulip; Ambreal, rose; Victoria, cactus; Jenah, rose; Ebony, bird of paradise.

Heather clearly feels singled out as the weeds, and I must say, it's an unkind choice for the girl who is already feeling outcast. But she works it, like we all knew she would.

Sal's tulip needs more expressive eyes. Victoria feels "ridiculous" as the cactus, and she's just oh-so-above-it-all, isn't she? I'm getting a real Elise vibe from this bitch.

Chantal is "too Maxim." Hee! Jay and the photographer and both telling her what to do, and usually contradicting each other. She breaks down. Boo hoo.

Tyra mail! Judging.

Victoria, now that she's sucking, finds the whole thing "so ludicris" and must "find out why [she] did poorly." Um, cuz you're a snob who thinks that, if America finds you pretty, your brain cells will start dribbling out your ears?

Chantal is freaked out by her sucky performance and is convinced she's going home.

Again, appropo of nothing, Jenah has really big ears. She shouldn't tuck her hair behind them.

The judges look at the photos with the girls.

Victoria's neck is all wrinkled. Twiggy starts to say something, and Vic interrupts with, "Lemme get one thing straight."

Ohhhhhhh, bad move, Little Miss Yale. And seriously -- what the hell does she have against Twiggy? Twiggy's probably the kindest judge there!

Victoria continues on to say something to the effect of,... Oh, I don't remember, and I forgot to write it down. Something about personality. She's so going home. Tyra does NOT put up with backtalk, chil'!

Sarah's photo looks like she turned into ivy, which I guess is good.

Lisa had a great face as bamboo, but she needs to take more chances.

Sal's tulip photo is not good. Her eyes and neck got totally lost. Well, the eye thing is their fault because that hair-do is just terrible.

Jenah so impressed the photographer with her impression of moss that he's going to book her, once the competition is done.

They were expecting to be blown away by Janet, but she ended up too posey.

Ambreal -- beautiful body, dead eyes.

Heahter worked that weed costume. The judges call her haunting and say they're drawn in by the photo. Nigel calls it art.

Bianca wore her Beyonce wig to Panel, but the judges make her take it off. I must say, at the photoshoot, she really seemed to be owning her baldness. She was even smiley and bubbley. But it didn't translate to her photos, and she looks stiff and amateur.

Chantal had a difficult shoot, and it totally shows in her face.

Ebony's photo looks angry, so Tyra mocks her by imitating her. Nice. What would your Mama say, Tyra? Ebony looks terrible in person, but her film blew them away.

The judges discuss amongst themselves.

Vic is just mean. She may go to Yale, but she's not wise enough to be charming.

Sarah is loosing weight, which takes her out of the plus-sized category, but she's still not thin enough to be a regular model. Uh-oh. Tyra gets on her high horse and says that it's good that they're talking about how losing weight isn't always a good thing.

Janet looks very "men's magazine," according to Miss J. And how would he know?

Jenah they like a lot a lot.

Bianca is so strong. They thank God that the hairstyling went awry because it really turned out for the best. And I must confess, she does look pretty good bald.

They love Heather's eyes, and the photographer says she did exactly what he told her to do.

Ambreal is fading. Lisa is too safe.

Ebony needs to change her attitude, but she was perfect during the shoot.

Chantal was born with the pretty gene but that's about it. Doing baby's breath should have been easy -- all she had to do was act like a princess -- but she couldn't even pull that off. Ha ha!

Sal's eyes ain't there, but that's because that shitty wig they gave her covers them up! I'm certainly no Sal fan here, but I think they're being really unfair.

The judges are done deliberating, and all the girls are handed their photos except for Vic and Sal, which sounds like two Italian men, but is really two arrogant wanna-bes.

See Sal? This is why you never brag about not being in the bottom two. I believe the official term is Self-Fulfilling Bitchiness.

The judges love Vic's look, but she's not appetizing in person. Sal's face is just okay.

But in the end, Mama Tyra hates inner-ugliness more than outer-ugliness, so Victoria goes packing back to Yale! YAY! Go look up Elise and talk about how modeling was beneath you both anyway.

The first thing Victoria does is take off her heels, and I'm so with her on that. She sounds happy to leave because her "heart is not in this," and she'd "rather go home than take some other girls dream."

But didn't you already kind of do that, Vic? I mean, some other girl could have made it to the final thirteen if you hadn't finished your homework early that day and auditioned on a whim. Don't kid yourself, honey, you're still a dreamkiller.

Next week: The girls have to pose in the air, held aloft by male ice skaters. On the ice. The afraid-of-heights girls are going to have some issues. I just wanna see some blood bounce on the ice.

October 07, 2007

"The Girls Go Rock Climbing"

But none plummet to their untimely death.

Previously on "America's Next Top Model,"... well, I didn't see that part because SOMEONE wouldn't turn off the "Rome" DVD!

The girls practice walking, and Kimberly confesses to coming from a small town "full of churches and horse crap." If this recap gets too highbrow for you guys, just lemme know, and I'll dumb it down a bit for you. *eyeroll*

The girls are working on their looks, and Bianca purposely gives them faulty advice. Because it's a competition, you know. And she's a surly cunt.

Saleisha, whom I will from now on be calling Sal because Saleisha is awkward, leads some of the other girls in giving Heather a makeover. They pull her hair back and make her change her clothes. She seems to be enjoying the attention, which is nice.

It's a sweet, little moment, which Biana has to piss all over by saying it's a "pity call" and questioning whether or not Heather "deserves it." She really is a delightful, little creature, isn't she?

Tyra Mail!

The girls go to a building with a sign in front called Fashion Madhouse. Inside, it done up all haunted-y, complete with crazy person in straight jacket. A couple of the girls are crying. Jesus Christ. There's no crying in baseball!

Turns out the only dangerous lunatic there is Miss J, who is going to "cure their fashion ailments." By putting them in straight jackets and making them walk. I don't know what that's going to cure exactly, but it sure is a lovely visual!

Miss J actually says to the girls -- get this -- "It's so important that you use you legs."

Um. Okay. Cuz walking... is with the legs, right? Am I missing something here? Isn't the dictionary definition of "walking" pretty much just... "use your legs?"

Modeling is so hard!

And here is where I find out that the girl I've been calling Aubriel is really Ambreal. Well, serves her right for having such a goofy-ass name.

While walking, Miss Yale interviews, "I got into Yale. I should be able to walk, right?" You'd think so, wouldn't you? As long as you're not chewing gum at the same time.

Bianca charmingly interviews that, "The other girls need a signature walk beacause they have no personality. I don't need a signature walk because I got personality." True, dear, but not a good one.

Later, Bianca and Sal get into a fight and agree that they are not each other's competition. It's an awkward moment for all.

Bianca then interviews that if Sal is going to get all up in her grill, she's going to take the competition up a notch. "I'll start cutting up clothes. I am a model. I can be very high fashion."

I take a moment to have a little fantasy where Bianca does cut up the other girls' clothes. And the other girls all wear them to Panel, where Tyra inquires about them, and the girls all narc on Bianca, inspiring Tyra to go absolutely ape-shit on her. Now that would be good television. Unfortunately, you know Bianca is all talk, and we're not going to get anything exciting outta her.

Tyra Mail! Something about "bound to be a success." Are the girls going to be bound again? Now I've got a hankerin' to see that movie.

Roy Campbell is there to to the girls they're going to be in a couture fashion show given by Colleen Quen. The girls must embody "the spirit of the garment." The winner goes to Paris to be in Quen's 2008 show.

Sweet, merciful Jesus, the gowns are GORGEOUS. But the girls are wooden and don't seem to embody anything at all, except fear.

Ebony and Sarah bump on the catwalk. And this is a big, freakin' deal every single season. Oh no! Bumping shoulders! Is this the biggest faux pas you can commit in the fashion world? Well, with those bony shoulders, it's probably more painful than it looks.

Heather has bad posture but looks elegant. Somehow. Sal has good movement. Bianca is very strong but needs to find her soft side, too. Kimberly's soul is empty, says Quen. Ouch. That's kind of harsh considering all Quen did was watch her walk for 30 seconds. Damn.

Ebony denies the bump was deliberate, and I don't care enough to speculate either way.

Sal is the winner, which sends Bianca off to stomp on the sour grapes and interview that the things she should have won. Whatever.

Next, the girls do some sort of rock climbing shoot. In evening gowns. A couple girls are afraid of heights, but neither have a freak-out.

Sal, at first, looks like a "model on a wire," but then turns awesome after Jay yells at her. When he asks Victoria what she was thinking of while posing, she says something about being "a sea nymph on acid."

Ho-kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

Ambreal is "stunning" and "disgustingly fabulous." I miss what goes on with Chantal and Ebony cuz I'm eating sweet potato pie, but I don't care about either of them that much anyway.

Sarah and Kimberly are utterly forgettable. Jenna is awesome, Heather is amazing, and Sal is proud of Heather.

Tyra Mail! Time to see the judges!

Heather isn't looking forward to having to say good-bye to any of the girls. Bianca, in sharp contrast, says that Heather was gorgeous and is going to go far, "So I have to stop her."

And why does that make me love her just a teeny bit?

At Panel, Miss J has a fro, Tyra has bangs and a French accent.

Heather totally delivered. Janet us uber-sexy but needs consistency in her photos. Ebony thinks she's going home, but her legs are great, and I just noticed how bony her shoulders are. That bump must've hurt!

Kimberly is charming but disappointing. Chantal is edgey, to my surprise. Sarah looks great with her "cock of a neck." Wha---?

Lisa's got her hootchie leg way up in the air, which might explain why her face looks self-conscious. Sal looks like the girl next door and needs to fight that.

Bianca has an awkward pose and looks mad. She says that anger is the emotion that comes easiest to her. What a coinsidence! Same with everyone withing 10 yards of her!

Victoria looks questioning. Ambreal is niiiiiiiiiice and elegant. Jenna has a great back.

And the Cover Girl of the Week is HEATHER!!!

The judges deliberate.

Heather always gives a great photo. Janet is sexy. Bianca is "mad as hell" and "doesn't have it."

Tyra thinks the competition is too much for Ebony. Kim has "no nutritional fashion value" and tends to "go hootchie." Chantal... I can't read what I wrote.

Sarah is awkward. Lisa gave a brave shot. Sal has a lot of courage, too, and gave good face even upside down. Jenna is stunning. Ambreal is not your typical model.

Victoria seems to argue with Twiggy a lot. Weird. They show a clip from last episode, too, and it does seem that she's got it in for Twiggy. Wouldn't it be cool if there was some weird backstory? Like Twiggy had an affair with Victoria's Dad or something?

All the girls are called except for Kimberly and Bianca. And since I hate Bianca more, I know she's not going home. And I'm right.

Bianca stays, but Tyra confesses to being the only one that likes her.

Kimberly leaves crying and upset because she just wanted everyone to be proud of her. Awwwwwwwwwww.

Next week: Wenchie's favorite episode: MAKEOVERS! Someone gets all their hair cut off! AWESOME! Okay, anyone who wants to come over and watch this with me is officially invited! I'm serious! Other people's pain is more fun when shared with friends!

September 28, 2007

"The Girls Go Green"

Previously on "America's Next Top Model," 33 whores set sail, but only 13 were chosen as the most likely to make for dramatic television, including The Brains, The Ghetto and The Autistic. The dramatis trifecta, if you will.

The girls are in the L.A. fashion district with Jay, who is wearing a sparkly skull t-shirt. Clearly, he is jealous of the relationship Tyra and I have, so now he's starting up with the shout-outs to Wenchie. *sigh* It's all very tedious, really. Very well, Jay, you can play pirate, too.

Apparently, ANTM is "going green" because their ho-mobile this season is 100% biodiesel. Whatever that means. Tyra now fancies herself an earth mother, and her little chicks toddle in line right behind her. One of them is glad that it "keeps our earth good." Bra-VO, little chickie.

Enh? What's up with Jay saying tomorrow like tomoooooorrow? Where the hell is he from, anyway? I'm going to have to call Total Affectation on that one, Jay. Sorry!

The theme for this season's House o' Hos is "Tyra-Jaslene-Green." Hey, where are the other winners? Where's what's-her-name, the cute girl? And Danielle? God, Tyra is fickle.

Ebony is, apparently, trying to be "more reserved" so the other girls don't hate her. What?! What the hell kind of Oprah shit is that?! I wants me some bitchy, bitch!

Well, we're only 5 minutes in, and already someone has suggested skinny-dipping. Someone besides Husband, I mean. But I guess these dim bulbs think that skinny-dipping means fully-clothed. So bored. I'm going to flip through the Pottery Barn holiday catalogue.

Heather is alone all the time, and the other girls think that's weird. Personally, I find it refreshing. And I'd be doing the same thing. So F.U., other girls.

Oh, gag. I can already see where this whole season is headed. Tyra wants to make a difference in the world. The first shoot is an anti-smoking theme. The girls will take two photos: one photo smoking a cig; and one photo of the ravaging effects of smoking, which will be a composite looking-in-the-mirror thing.

There's disgusting stuff like tumors and cancer and bleeding from the mouth. Shouldn't this have been the Halloween episode? It's all very gruesome. Especially the one with the girl holding the dead baby. I think that's going over the top a bit, no?

Bianca and Lisa have randomly chosen to hate each for no reason. Well, thank GOD.

Bianca is all, "I'm ready to throw a cell phone at her."

HA! You know Tyra left that in there as a little fuck you to Naomi Campbell! That was brilliant.

In other news, Mila continues to be a vapid freak repressing her deep, dark, messy secrets and giggles her way through a photo shoot where she is made up to look like a chemo patient who has lost her hair. I'm starting to think she's waaaaaaaaaaaaaay more evil than Ebony.

In the holding tank, Bianca starts giving shit to Lisa about being an exotic dancer, and how Tyra would never pick a pole-dancer to be America's Next Top Model. Lisa gets all up in her grill (is that how the kids are saying it these days?), but neither throws a punch. They never do, do they?

Later, in the jacuzzi, the girls begrudgingly apologize to each other. Because water symbolizes rebirth and new beginnings.

Miss J comes in and blah-blah-blahs about styling issues and basic items and other buzzwords that are meant to justify his presence on the show.

(S)He announces that they're going shopping at Old Navy, and all the girls squeal like he just said Tiffany's. Jesus, where did they find these girls? I mean, I occasionally shop at Old Navy, but it's nothing to get excited about. Ladies, it's The Gap meets Walmart. Don't sell yourselves so cheap.

Oh, Christ, Benny Ninja is back. The girls get 10 min. to put together an outfit that will be judged by The Panel. Yeah, good luck with that.

Tyra Mail! The first elimination.

HA! They keep having to bleep Lisa.

Oh my God. I think we have a new House Bitch, people. Kimberly interviews that she's keeping her distance from Heather because people like that tend to get "clingy" if you're nice to them. Holy shit. I can't believe she just said that on national television.

Heather overhears the other girls talking about what a weirdo she is, and she gets all down and cries to her mom on the phone. Her mom is totally awesome, by the way, and after encouraging her, tells her to "be sweet to the other girls." I believe that's an ANTM first, ladies and gentlemen.

Panel time, contract with Elite Models, 6-page spread and cover of Seventeen, $100,000 Cover Girl contract.

No guest panelist this week, so it's just Tyra, Nigel, Twiggy and Miss J. And again I lament -- why is Jay not on the panel? What has he done to anger Tyra?

Chantal has way too many accessories, but they are blown away by her film. She just has to watch the "bedroom eyes."

Then there's some girl whose name I missed and they didn't have too much to say about her anyway.

Aubriel's earrings are too big.

Victoria has a nice, clean look and needs to work on her charm.

Lisa is saucy and cheeky.

Mila paegent-walks up to The Panel and Tyra has a stroke. Her photo looks like she was doing a sneaky-cheek fart, and they did NOT like the way she laughed through a shoot with such a serious subject. How can Tyra even see Mila from way up there on her horse?

Sarah... something about being able to see her inner monologue.

Bianca had dead eyes. Like her soul.

Janet... I don't know. Forgettable.

Ebony has "skinny, busted-up legs." Tyra asks her why she's been quiet and holding back, and she explains that she thinks her "confidence is misinterpreted," so she's trying to not be such a cunt. Is that always their excuse? Oh, I'm so confident that the other girls are jealous and see it wrongly as arrogance. I'm making a W at her with my fingers.

Kimberly needs to watch her hootchiness.

Heather is beautiful but has a shrinking demeanor.

Saleisha is confident. She's also the winner of Benny Ninja's Old Navy Outfit Challenge (The BNONOC, for short.) She threw on a sack dress and a cheap-ass necklace. Well-played, Saleisha. She wins a $1,000 Old Navy shopping spree and gets to shoot an ad for them.

The Panel deliberates: Chantal is too pretty, Janet is not a model, Mila is dead, Jenna need to go shopping, Kimberly is hootchie, Ebony has a dark side and couldn't handle the critique, Nigel loves Victoria, Heather is a dream to photograph (aren't they all?), Bianca is not a model.

Tyra announces that this season of ANTM is officially a No Smoking cycle. A couple girls look stricken. And I'm sure they'll pack on 10 lbs. each before the competition is over. HA!

All the girls get called except Ebony and Mila. Mila's going home, and thank goodness because not only is she retarded, but she's homely as hell.

Next week: Saleisha stands up to Bianca, and the girls get "the shock of their lives." So they'll have a photoshoot where they're electrocuted or something. I hope I can stay awake.

September 20, 2007

"The Girls Go Cruisin'"

Strap in, people. It's Cycle 9 of "America's Next Top Model." God help us all.

To kick things off, we're treated to a totally fake montage of Tyra "calling" a bunch of semi-finalists, who scream and cry for the completely spontaneous camera that happens to be there to capture the moment. And Tyra's bit was filmed three months later in a hotel room, I'm sure of it.

So. The 33 semi-finalists are going to Caribbean. Because that's where bikini photos are taken. The girls are blindfolded and surprised by Cap'n "Miss J" Stubing, who ushers them onto a cruise ship. Like, duhhhhhhhh, how else did they think they were going to get to the Caribbean?

One black girl with a mowhawk goes, "I'm totally psyched 'cuz... I'm poor!"

And I don't think she really means that's she's psyched to be poor, but rather that she's psyched to be going on a cruise because she'd never be able to afford one otherwise. I'm assuming. You never know with these girls.

I love it when Miss J calls them "busted-up, broke-down models." It's so Valley-of-the-Dolls. Almost as much as I love it when he makes the girls walk a runway in front of a bunch of tourists, while wearing floatation devices, and then mocks their walks until they cry. I smell a spin-off. I would totally tune-in for a solid hour of just Miss J.

Enter Heather, my immediate favorite. And not just because it's the name I like to call out during orgasm. She's also hunchbacked, mildly autistic, socially awkward and has ADHD. Crack baby! PLEASE GOD, let her get into the house. And the final three.

It's Heather who utters the line, "I've always had trouble believing I was beautiful." Yeah? Well, join the fucking club of the rest of us, honey. Jesus, like poor self image is some rare affliction or something.

Still, she's pretty and nerdy -- just like the real Heather -- and her mild form of autism promises some awkwardness in the house, so she's my current favorite.

And then the nightmare begins. The nightmare where Tyra comes out dressed as a showgirl, complete with feathered headdress, and talks some stupid song she wrote for the show because she can't sing. As if we needed any more proof that she has no talent whatsoever. Love it.

Then begins the parade of interviews (where the candy is pain), where the girls have to appear in front of a panel of Tyra, Jay and Miss J, and are subjected to all sorts of weird shit.

The first girl is wearing a belt around her ribs and some sort of leg-warmer-type drapey things? I don't know. It's horrible.

Token California Blonde Bimbo informs the panel that modeling agents "love my heighth." Um... I don't think you need the extra H there, sweetheart. They hate her, as their faces plainly show. Or perhaps Tyra just farted.

Heather apparently has Aspergers Syndrome. If you click the link, you'll see that two of the symptoms are "dislikes changes in routine" and "lacks empathy." God, this is gonna be GREAT!

Saleisha apparently went to Tyra's TZONE Camp, so Tyra is expecting extra-lots from her. Saleisha wants to pose for Victoria's Secret and Sports Illustrated. Way to bolster her self esteem, TZONE! Yay!

One of the girls is a bikini-waxer by trade. Yuck. So Tyra, being the classy gal that she is, gets up on the panel table and assumes the position for a full waxing, which is apparently on all fours. The Js are horrified. I'm sure the mental image of Tyra's naked poontang is what turned them gay in the first place.

And then she says, "How could I not like a girl who gives me a simulated kitty-cat wax?" I don't even know where to go with that one.

Some girl gets sick. Seasick, I presume, but there's no barfing, so I don't know. Nor do I care. Moving on.

Ebony is the frontrunner for Black Girl Who Everyone Hates. And by this time, she just blurs together with all her bland forerunners. Except for Jade. Jade was truly unique in her bitchery. Ebony is going to make me miss her, I can tell.

First thing Tyra does is tell Ebony that all the other girls hate her, and to make her talk about her childhood so that she breaks down and cries. It's Tyra's specialty.

Some chick with a really heavy Boston accent tells the panel that she had a hemmorage in her right eye when she was born, so she wants to represent all the right-eye-hemmorage girls out there and let them know that they're still pretty. Or something.

Mowhawk girl cries while telling the panel about her awful childhood. With good reason, too, I mean, girl has been through some shit. But God gives her the strength to carry on, which she learned without even attending TZONE! I like this girl. She's sweet and doesn't use her bad childhood as an excuse to be a bitch. She's my second favorite.

Mila celebrates everything and thinks crying is a waste of time. Eek. The panel hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhates her. Plus, she's homely.

Then there's a montage of the girls singing and dancing, as the panel makes them humiliate themselves as performing monkeys.

Some faux-bad-ass says that, "Girls don't like me. They're scared of me. I party with guys." I'll bet her mother is so proud.

One girl thinks it would be a good icebreaker to pull an accordianed piece of paper out of her nose. Words fail the panel. The girl is too fat for a regular model and too thin for a plus-sized model. So, what -- she's about a six? An eight at most?

Oh, crickey. We're going to be treated to Jaslene's Life as a Cover Girl. Clearly, someone has been to Finishing School!

Some horse-faced girl screams and freaks-out for the panel, at their request. And then Tyra can't believe she did it and asks Jay, "What did you think of her."

Jay's all, "She's... I LOVE her!" Awesome.

Okay, with that torture behind us, the girls are taken to a beach for their first photo shoot.

Hey, Jaslene was on the cover of Latina maganize! She looks fabulous, she really does.

After looking at all the slutty bikini photos, the panel makes their first cut. There are 20 boarding passes clipped to some board. Those with passes go on to the next round. Those without are stranded on some island. Oh, if only.

No one I give a crap about is left behind.

Now the 20 girls left have to go around the room and tell Tyra why she needs to choose them. Extra points for crying! And thanking Jesus!

The thirteen girls picked are: Mila the homely girl who celebrates, Bianca who already hates Ebony, Jennifer, Chantal, Gabrielle...

Wait, what? Did they say Gabrielle? This is the first I'm hearing of a Gabrielle. Where did she come from?

Victoria of the horse-face, Sarah the "real-sized model," Saleisha, Kimberly, Ebony "The Original Mean Girl," Janet who doesn't even need a makeover, Heather and Lisa.

Dammit! No mohawk girl? What a rip-off!

Next week: the girls move into their new home and immediately turn it into a pig-sty; Heather can't fit in; Bianca and Lisa have been together all of ten minutes before they start fighting. Promising, indeed!

August 03, 2007

Buttleman vs. Burn Notice

You may have noticed the glaring lack of review/recap of the almighty Bruce Campbell's new series "Burn Notice." Indeed, I'm sure you've been searching my site frantically every hour, hitting Refresh over and over.

I just haven't been able to bring myself to review it. Mainly because I haven't been able to bring myself to watch an entire episode.

The dialogue is so stilted and predictable, it's painful. I don't know -- maybe they just haven't hit their stride, yet. But for God's sake, we're talking about a man who can speak volumes with the single word, "Groovy." We're talking about a man who played aged Elvis the mummy vanquisher! You can't just give him juxtaposition! It's demeaning!

So my review is this: The best thing about "Burn Notice" is Bruce's hair. He has a lovely salt 'n' pepper thing going on, and it's blessedly lush and inviting. *sigh* Goddamn, that man just keeps getting more and more handsome.

To fill the void left by "Burn Notice," and/or to get the taste of boring out of your mouth, I highly recommend you watch "Harold Buttleman: Daredevil Stuntman" on YouTube.

It's a full-length film done by a guy I went to school with, Frank Stokes (who now goes by "Francis," apparently). I've seen it, and it's really clever and original and sweet. Not the recycled crap Hollywood keeps churning out. This is definately worth the nine bucks they're ripping us off for now at the theatres, and you get to watch it for FREE!

It stars the doe-eyed John Hawkes, whom you may know as Sol Star from HBO's "Deadwood." He also starred in another stunning and adorable independent film called "Me and You and Everyone We Know." ))<>((

I have particularly fond memories of seeing the "Buttleman" movie because that's where Heather and I reunited and smooshed our post-high-school boobies together for the first time.

Who's your hero?

May 22, 2007

"The Girl Who Becomes America's Next Top Model"

Let me just say that this will be short because I don't think I've ever seen such a boring final episode of "America's Next Top Model."

The three finalists -- Renee, Draglene and Natasha -- will shoot a Cover Girl ad today, and the ANTM winner will have their ad run in magazines. The ad is for Trueshine Lip Color, and they'll also do one of those My Life as a Cover Girl spots.

Uh-oh. The girls will have to ad-lib their commercial and "bring their personality." Or mask it, as the case may be.

CariDee shows up to help coach the girls or something because it's in her contract. CARIDEE!!! She tells the girls, "I'm so glad I'm not you right now." HA! You gotta love her.

In some kind of cruel joke, Jay wants Natasha to incorporate the phrase "sheer, shiney shades" into her commercial. Then he tells her she sounds like she's reciting her grocery list and needs to add spontineity. While she's translatin Russian into broken English in her head.

Okay, here's Renee, "Aloha! After I had a baby, I thought my life was over." HA! First of all, Australia is a long way from Hawaii. Secondly, I don't think Haggard Mother is the image that Cover Girl is trying to sell. But after Jay called her on that, she did really well. Dammit.

Draglene is in the back of a limo, and Jay tells her he wants to see Cha-Cha, which is her Latino drag queen alter ego. So she throws in some Spanish. Kinda lame, but she looks fantastic.

Then it's Renee's turn to take her photo, and when the photographer asks who's next, she says, "THEE Cover Girl." Oh, get over yourself. Then someone voiceovers that she "looks too old to be starting out in the modeling industry." Hee!

And we're treated to another one of Renee's more Christian moments when she interviews, "I hope Natasha doesn't get to do the runway show because she walks like a pidgeon-toed duck with poop hanging out off her ass." How charming.

Judging!

Natasha has some trouble ad-libbing in her second language, but Jay encourages her that it's her "imperfections that are beautiful." Her face looks like she's questioning something, but her lips are PERFECT for selling lip color.

Draglene has too many pauses in her spoken commercial, but Jay loves the Spanish. Her photo is great, but she's nervous doing the commercial.

Renee really caught the excitement of her nautical surroundings doing the commercial, and her photo looks "healthy" and "outdoor." Probably because she's... outside? I'm just sayin'. Unfortunately, she photographs old, and it's speculated that the puffiness and wrinkling is sun damage. So much for "healthy outdoor," huh?

Deliberations!

Natasha is the "most beautiful" of the girls and a "quick study." She takes criticism and works on it. Tyra also says that she "touches my heart." Awwwwwwww.

Draglene's photo looks more Class of '07 than model. She does better when she's looking fierce, but not so well at commercial.

Renee has the "best photo" and "great energy," but she's "not the freshest face." They've "seen it before."

Draglene gets her photo, and Renee holds hands with Natasha. Huh. Any port in a storm, eh, Nay-Nay? Tyra calls Natasha's name, and Draglene's enormous jaw drops to the floor, registering a 6.5 on the Richter Scale. Nat hugs Renee.

Tyra tells Natasha that she works on her critiques, and that's why she's staying. Renee is seething. But then, in a bizarre twist, as she hugs the girls good-bye, she whispers to Natasha, "Win this for the mamas."

Ajeckamongahuh???

Nat and Drag go to a shoot for "Seventeen," and the ANTM winner will get her photo on the cover. Oooh, in an adorable pink hoodie! And bitchen ANTM brass knuckles!

Draglene interviews that she's "surprised that Natasha is here and not Renee. If she wins, I'll pull out all her hair." Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Drag used to be so cool, and now I officially hate her.

Oh God. The girls have to endure yet one more painful interview with Mama Tyra.

Tyra wants to know about Natasha's life in Russia. Nat says that she couldn't afford to go to university, so she moved to Moscow, where she often didn't have anything to eat. She says she'd represent America well as its next top model because America is a melting pot, and "I'm an American."

Tyra wants to know what was going on with Draglene between her elimination last season and the present. She says she started thinking about building her character and loving herself.

Jay is there on the final runway, which looks pretty damn rickety. The theme of the fashion show is the Evolution of Woman, so when they come out first, they have to look primitive and animalistic.

Nat is talking to Drag about how the runway looks difficult, and Drag is all, "I know Natasha has a strategy, so I'm not listening to her." Jesus, woman, she's just trying to make a little small talk! Lighten up!

Ohmigawd, their shoes are so cute. I wonder if they get to keep them.

The show itself is the most boring runway showdown they've ever had. I can't think of one damn thing to say about it. The clothes are boring, nothing dramatic happens. Yawn.

Final Elimination!

Drag started out weak but got stronger. Nat started out great, but then got lame by the end.

We see their CG photos side by side, and frankly, I don't like either of them.

Then the girls get to say their last words. Nat thanks them with "WE appreciate the opportunity." Classy to the end. I don't remember what Drag says.

Deliberations!

Natasha is "funny" and "a quick study" who has "great features" and a "great future."

Draglene is an "amazing editorial model" but "not commercial."

Tyra wants Natasha to win, Nigel wants Draglene. And they must be sleeping together because Draglene wins, and you know Tyra wouldn't give up her pick if she wasn't totally whipped.

Crap. She's mean. She sobs and Nat hugs her.

In her exit interview, Nat says that she "enjoyed every minute of it" and will be "glad to go home to [her] family."

I'm very disappointed, but I know I'll never be seeing Draglene again except in My Life As a Cover Girl commercials next season, so it's okay.

And thus ends this season of ANTM. We now return to our regularly scheduled vaginas.

May 15, 2007

"The Girl Who Does Not Want To Dance"

When I read the episode title, I was like, "Please, God, let Renee dance like Elaine on Seinfeld, and I will never scam a free lunch out of Marty again."

Previously on “America’s Next Top Model,” Brit-Brit threw a tantrum and went home. So there. Nyah. Dionne, Jaslene, Natasha and Renee remain.

Tyramail! Do you want this "heart, soul and spirit?" Huh? The girls can’t figure out what they’re going to be doing, and the rest of us don’t care. Moving on.

Renee is talking with someone about being in the Bottom Two, and how you know it’s bad when your photo comes up on the screen, and the judges are all quiet because they’re trying to figure out what exactly they don’t like about it. Hee! Like I've been telling you, crickets are bad.

Then we are treated to a delightful montage of everyone on the judging panel looking at a photo, and then giving the camera a whatchoo-talkin-bout-Willis look. It’s pure awesome. I want it as my screen-saver.

This next bit, I want as my ringtone. It’s Natasha, with her sexy Russian accent, talking on her cell phone to her husband, calling him “Baby, baby, baby,” over and over. It’s ridiculous, yet dirty. In fact, I’m pretty sure that the reason she has the phone resting on her pillow is because her hands are between her legs.

Renee says, “She’s weird.” Pot, meet kettle.

Natasha interviews that “the girls are all into my behavior,” and indeed, they do seem obsessed with her in a she-thinks-she’s-so-cool kind of way. Like when you can’t admit the real reason you hate someone, so you say stupid shit. She’s convinced they’re judging her because they’re jealous, and as nutty as she is, I don’t think she’s wrong.

Next, the girls are magically transported to the forest, where it’s cold and raining. Natasha is wearing wedge heels, probably because no one told them where they were going, and the girls are ragging on her for it. Like, who cares? Why are they so engrossed in her choice of footwear? It’s not like she asked them to carry her, for God’s sake.

They are greeted by Uncle Max and the White Handprint Players, who are going to tell a story through dance. Oooh, I hope it’s Lolita! I love that one. Afterwards, the girls will have to tell their own story.

Renee stupidly compares it to modeling, in a completely ass-kissing moment. I mean, we all know Tyra set up the challenge so we could see the girls humiliate themselves, but Renee’s all, “Modeling it just like storytelling, only we tell the designers’ stories through photos and runway.” No, I’m serious! She actually said that! Because making sure that Paris Hilton knows what Vera Wang wants her to buy for spring is sooooooooooo exactly like the centuries-old art of passing down a people’s history from generation to generation. GOD, I hate her.

The girls have fifteen minutes to prepare their story through “body art, movement and oral speech.” (As opposed to anal speech.) I wonder if Jaslene will be speaking as a collective?

Renee introduces herself as “Nay-nay,” probably because she thinks it sounds Aboriginal, and she’s all about making herself into whatever she thinks will sell, and masking her true, hate-able self.

Here’s Renee, “I was abused, and my feet are bloody, but then the blood went away, and I grew into a flower, and me and my sisters and mom grew tall and strong together, and there were tears, and now we are unified as one woman saying ‘No more’!”

I’m pretty sure she stole that from a Maya Angelou poem.

Jaslene is all broken English, “I was a young girl misled, but I found my true love dream, and now I live, love and laugh.” And she actually has to tell them when she’s done because they’ve all fallen asleep.

Dionne is upset that she has to dance while she tells the story. She also doesn’t feel that her past is relevant. And for once, she’s exactly right.

Natasha tells her story very quietly because she says that’s how you get people to really listen. And she does have a good point, but she takes it too far, and no one knows what the hell she’s talking about, so it’s just some crawling about with tree branches. Polite applause.

Renee says of her, “She’s a sweet girl, but she’s a few fries short of a Happy Meal.”

Some entertainment director from “Seventeen” is there to pick the winner. Yeah, because “Seventeen” is all about telling your story. And not at all about lip gloss and embarrassing period stories and how to get a boy to notice you.

Renee won, and I have to admit that she sucked the least. She picks Jaslene. Wait, wasn’t she hating on Jas a few episodes ago?

When they get home, there’s some guy waiting for them from Autore Pearls, and Renee wins her choice of jewelry, which is a HUGE pearl solitaire necklace with some diamonds and shit. [Uncle Twitchy, insert pearl necklace joke here.] Jaslene picks a bracelet. DAMN! That’s some serious bling. Hee! I said bling! Renee is terribly excited, probably because she can’t wait to go home and hock it.

Dionne is kicking herself for not taking the challenge more seriously. She’s burnt out and wants to have some fun. So they go out to a bar while Natasha stays home with the flu. Bummer. But this gives the girls the opportunity to rag about her and make us hate them all the more.

They all want Nat to go home. Dionne is all, “She’s got some lies floating around her.” And they all agree that her “story” has changed, and that it’s weird she never mentions her husband by name.

And seriously, if I had to live in a house with a bunch of 18-24 year old females for thirteen weeks, you can be sure as shit I wouldn’t be divulging details of my personal life. I frankly don’t care if Nat made the whole damn thing up. She’s still my fav.

[Why do my ANTM recaps get so damn long? I just have to have an opinion on everything, don’t I? I hate me sometimes. I think I’m so cool.]

Tyramail! Sorry, girls, you’re history.

Nat wakes up with a fever, sore throat and stuffy nose. She’s very scared that it’s going to affect her photos, but I think she’s gonna pull a Danielle and rally her energy for the shoot.

The girls are each assigned an Australian legend to act out in story. And dance. Dionne is all, “I just hope they don’t make us dance. I’ll be damned! We have to dance!”

Jaslene is the red-breasted robin. She says that these are not moves that she’ll be taking home with her, and she hopes that what “happens there, stays there.” Way to respect a different culture, Draglene. Jay calls her beautiful and graceful.

Dionne does a food-gathering dance. Which is kind of ironic for a model, no? Jay warns her, “No scowling!” He also says that she has a “beautiful spirit,” so it’s “frustrating” to see her suck continuously.

Nat is the wiggly-wag-tail bird. Jay says she “looks miserable” and he never would have expected her to “fall this flat.” And I must say, I’m surprised, too. I mean, I know the flu can pulverize your will to live, but I would have thought she would rock it just to spite the other girls.

Renee does the flight of the butterfly. And she is “glorious.” Yuck.

Tyramail! Eliminations!

Dionne needs to find a happy medium between scowling and smiling. She also still needs too much coaching. As part of the judging, the girls must evaluate each other and choose the girls with the most and least potential. For the most, she picks Jaslene. For the least, she picks Nat because there’s “something missing” from her personality.

The judges would like to see something different from Jaslene’s photos. She picks herself as having the most potential because she wants this “heart, soul and spirit.” The thinks Nat has the least because she’s “phony.”

Renee’s photo is “strong and evocative.” She, too, picks herself for most potential because she wants “to take [her] family places.” Yeah, I’m sure they wanna tag along after you as you globetrot. That’s a stable lifestyle for your toddler. And she also picks Nat as having the least potential because she “plays games” and is “fake” and “lacking.”

Damn! That’s so harsh! And also? They are judging her potential solely based on her personality, which is completely subjective, and not on her appearance or performance at all. And I’m really disappointed that none of the judges called them on it. I thought I was watching a modeling contest!

Nat’s photos are awkward and she didn’t connect with the camera. She pulls out the “had a fever” excuse, and the other three roll their eyes behind her. She says that she believes she has the most potential because she has the features that are popular now in the fashion world. She also thanks the other girls for their critique. And I don’t care if it is completely contrived, that’s damn classy.

Twiggy is shocked that this warm and likable person before them is so universally disliked by the other girls and wonders if it’s jealousy. YA THINK??? They ask her how it feels to hear the other girls say that about her, and she says she knows they talk about her, but it’s better than not being noticed. Nice spin, Nat. Well played.

HEY! She didn’t get to say who she thought had the least potential! No fair!

In the holding pen, Draglene rags on Nat for being fake, and it’s not because she’s jealous. Renee smirks. You know, I really expected better from Jaslene. Renee’s negative energy is infectuous.

In deliberations, the judges say that Dionne is the weakest, and they’re disappointed that she didn’t mention herself as having the most potential. Um, just a thought, but maybe she was being gracious? Tyra wouldn’t recognize gracious if it poured beer in her weave.

Draglene always gives the same look, and they’re concerned that ANTM is her life and she’ll break down if she doesn’t win.

Renee is “not the youngest, freshest face.” HA! Love you, Nigel! They also mention how funny it is that Tyra saw all the other girls gang up on Renee and few weeks ago, and now it’s Nat that they hate. Sometimes I hate my gender.

Nat’s shoot was a disaster.

Renee and Jaslene get their photos. Dionne and Natasha are in the Bottom Two.

Tyra points out that Dionne didn’t name herself as having the most potential, and if she doesn’t believe in herself, how can others believe in her? Personally, I believe the children are our future. There’s also something about a “rocky path.”

Nat has showed continuous improvement until this week. Tyra is surprised that all the other girls think she has the least potential, and since the judges don’t live in the house with them, sometimes they have to rely on the opinions of the other girls. Renee can barely control her laughter.

Then Tyra goes, “But we think they’re just jealous,” and hands Nat her photo. HA! Tyra pulls a total fake-out! Awesome! In yer face, Nay-Nay!

Draglene looks totally disgusted. Nat moves to hug Dionne, who won’t even look at her, let alone hug her back. Rude! But after Dionne gets her pep talk and hug from Tyra, she hugs all three girls.

Dionne cries while packing and says she’s gonna miss getting up early and getting her make-up done. She doesn’t mention missing any of the other girls.

Next episode, the girls film a “My Life as a Cover Girl” commercial, and the Final Two have a fashion show-down. Oooh, it’s the two-hour finale! I’m going to have to watch it on TiVo at Billi’s with her or something because I’m going out with New Girl tonight.

[Edit: Hmm. I was led to believe that tonight is the two-hour season finale, but reading the t.v. listings, I'm confused. The episode title is "The Girl Who Becomes America's Next Top Model," but the description reads:

The final three must utilize everything they have learned in the competition for a commercial and a national print ad of CoverGirl. One model struggles to look youthful in her shot while another needs coaching from Jay to say her lines naturally. The judges send one model home.

If only one model is sent home, that leaves us with two (doing math in my head!), and no one becomes America's Next Top Model.

So confused. If I miss something because the t.v. execs can't get this shit together, I'm going to hold my breath until I pass out.

And here's my review of the t.v. listing: I think it's pretty clear which one looks like an ancient hag in her photos, but which one of the other two English-is-my-second-language contestants can't say their lines?]

May 09, 2007

"The Girl Who Blames the Taxi Driver"

Previously on “America’s Next Top Model” – stuff. Renee, Jaslene, Dionne, Natasha and Britney remain.

Renee interviews that it’s “strange without Jael.” Wait a minute. Didn’t she hate Jael? Does she think that Jesus doesn't know she's lying?

She also says that “Britney used her short-term memory as a crutch in panel.” As an example, she cites their acting class, in which Britney memorized an entire monologue. You know, I hadn’t even thought of that. Okay, my sympathy for Britney is gone. Now she’s just a whiney brat.

Tyramail! Time for go-sees.

The girls will be judged on three criteria: personality, portfolio and runway. And they must get back to Priscilla’s by 4:30, or they’re disqualified. Criterium? Criterii?

Jaslene says that she’s going to be “calm, cool and collective.” So… resistance is futile, apparently.

Britney gets lost. HA!

Dionne asks to keep a swimsuit that one designer has her model, and they let her. Oh my God. That is so rude. She interviews that she’s “having fun,” but that’s because she has no manners and keeps asking to keep the stuff that she models. Holy shit. That’s gonna cost her later.

Renee knows that one of the designers just had a baby, so she sneaks some photos of her son into her portfolio. Cuz, you know, that’s entirely professional. And not at all manipulative.

Britney thinks that “professional” means “stoic,” so she doesn’t talk with the designers at all. That cricket noise is never a good sign.

Meanwhile, Dionne asks a designer for the shoes she’s modeling and gets only stunned silence in return. Frankly, I can’t believe that’s the first time she got that reaction.

Natasha is very sexual and flirtatious. She hugs one of the designers good-bye, and one gets the distinct impression that that’s not kosher.

Renee is the first one back to Priscilla’s, and then she dedicates her promptness to her son, whom she'd do anything for, even suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune and fame.

Britney’s cab deserts her, only we find out – through the magic of film – that she never actually asked him to wait for her. D'oh!

Jaslene collectively gets back at 4:29, followed closely by Dionne.

Natasha returns a minute late and is asked to wait outside, which she does. Quietly. She interviews that if she hadn’t been late, she totally would have won.

Britney, on the other hand, arrives late and immediately starts crying and swearing in a loud voice easily heard by everyone inside, including Priscilla herself. Awk-waaaaaaaaard! She yells at Natasha for some imagined offense, and Nat just laughs. Awesome.

Inside, above the din, Renee, Jaslene and Dionne hear their feedback from the various designers. Renee was great in person but photographs “too hard.” Dionne has a great personality but bad posture. Much to my chagrin, the pilfered clothing isn't even mentioned.

Jaslene wins! And she’s so excited because this is the first challenge she has won. As a prize, she gets a photo shoot on the huge bridge in Sydney (I can’t be bothered to look it up), to beef up her portfolio, and gets to bring a friend. She chooses Dionne, as the only other choice is Renee, and even Jaslene isn’t that stupid.

As the three girls exit Priscilla’s, Natasha asks, “Can I hug the winner?” Now that’s a good sport. And good lesbian sport. Britney, on the other hand, immediately restarts her tirade about unfairness and blah blah blah and nobody cares.

Jaslene and Dionne climb to the top of the 440-foot bridge to find that Nigel is their photographer. Does he get paid extra for that, I wonder?

Tyramail! Something about Mars vs. Venus and rocket or rock it and future and planet. I don’t know what the fuck she’s talking about. Somehow the girls surmise that Tyra will be their photographer, so I must’ve dozed off or something.

The girls have to be on the beach at 5:30 a.m. for their shoot. Jay picks them up, and really, I don’t think I could deal with him at that hour. They will be taking two photos – one for a women’s magazine, and one for a men’s magazine. Both on a beach in a bikini.

Huh. Tyra IS one of the photographers. She’ll be taking the women’s mag photos. Tyra is in full-on piratey garb with skull and crossbones on her hoodie and a head scarf. It’s like she’s screaming for my attention. Tyra, honey, all you have to do is give me that hoodie, and we are BFFs for life. Pinkie swear!

The girls all have to get temporary extensions, and Britney starts in again with the hair angst. Jesus, enough already! At one time, I was rooting for her to win, but she is no longer worthy of my adoration. Now I want a girl with a thick foreign accent to represent America in the modeling world.

The girls pose with some male models on a beach. Britney’s eyes are “spellbinding.” Dionne looks mean and needs too much direction.

In the beginning, Tyra can’t pick up on Jaslene’s “vibe,” and Jas can’t connect with her guy. But after Tyra berates her a bit, she becomes “magical.”

Renee has to get into the cold water, but she doesn’t dare bitch about it, and she brings her “natural thing.” Which I guess is a euphemism for “didn’t shave.”

Natasha’s lip-pooching and lack of neck are a problem. She’s like a parody of sexy sometimes. Kinda reminds me of The Girl Child imitating ANTM.

Michael Omm is shooting the photos for the men’s mag. And I don’t even know why I bothered telling you that because none of us knows who he is.

Jaslene is “ready” and “hott!” Dionne bores us by looking mean instead of sexy.

Renee tells us, “I know I’m good at sexy.” *sigh* What’s Wenchie’s Golden Rule, boys and girls?

If you have to tell us, then you aren’t.

Crimeny.

Britney gives “sexual.” Which was the point, soooo…? Why even mention it?

As Nat comes onto the set, Jay warns the world that “she might give us porn star.” Oh, if only.

Tyramail! Eliminations are eminent!

Jaslene wants to see Renee go home because “she looks old.” HA!

Tyra is wearing false eyelashes to judging. In truth, she probably wears them to the grocery store, but I’ve only started noticing false eyelashes. Since wearing them for the show, I’m IN LOVE with them and want to wear them all the time. I’ll post some photos soon. Anyhoo, I like to think that Tyra’s wearing them as an homage to moi.

Priscilla says of Britney that “people don’t like…” and then I wrote something that looks like “the taters,” but I know that’s not it. What the hell does that say? Anyhoo, no one wanted to book her on the go-sees, and that’s really freakin’ pathetic. In the men’s shot, she’s hott with strong eyes, and the camera loves her. Her women’s shot works, but the guy outshines her. D’oh!

As a passive-aggressive dis to Brit, Natasha is praised for being a good sport about being disqualified from the challenge. The men’s shot is where her huge lips really work out well. She came to the women’s shoot with much confidence, and Tyra loved working with her, but her shoulders are too tense, and as a result, she has “turtle-neck.”

Jaslene won the challenge. Again – YAY! In the men’s shot, she has great eye contact with the camera. In the women’s shot, she has “great angles.”

This was not Dionne’s best shoot as she looks mean. Mean, mean, mean.

Twiggy loves Renee’s “come hither” look. Oh, don’t encourage her, Twiggy! In her women’s shot, she is graceful and “a different kind of sexy.” Like ugly-sexy?

Deliberations!

Natasha is “sexy without even trying.” She’s “the whole package” and really “wants it.”

Britney is “photogenic,” but her crappy personality “puts people off.”

Jaslene is “warm,” “lovely” and “versatile.”

Dionne is the weakest of the bunch and is even “going backwards.”

Renee is “great on screen” but “very commercial in person.” They think she’ll have a nice career as a catalogue model. HA!

The girls are called in the following order: Draglene, Natasha and Renee. Britney and Dionne are in the Bottom Two, so Jas won’t get her wish. Dionne gets to stay because “the clients see something special” in her, but she needs to soften her “strength.”

Britney needs to get the hell out and learn how to sell herself. On street corners. She interviews that she’s not usually emotional, and she doesn’t know what happened. Whatever.

Next episode, the girls embrace the aboriginal art of storytelling, and the Natasha gets sick, “the girls do some storytelling of their own.” Oh, the intrigue.

May 02, 2007

"The Girl Who Picks a Fight"

Previously, on "America's Next Top Model," ...well, as foretold by Lolly, the whole damn thing is previously because it's one of those annoying recap episodes.

Unlike my blog, which also recaps episodes but is not annoying in any way, shape or form.

Shut up, Uncle Twitchy.

(Lolly, Lolly, Lolly, get your adverbs here! Her name always makes me want to sing.)

Anyhoo. Model boot camp. Tyra picks TWO full-figured finalists... to make her look smaller. Renee is a bitch. There's a photo shoot with a political theme. Jay Manuel is annoyed.

Previously Unseen Footage: Some of the girls do a mock fashion show and judging and have fun. Some of the girls watch the whole thing with derision and won't deign to have fun.

At the first judging, Tyra is the most unsatisfied she has ever been with the photos. You disappointed Mama-Tyra! Hang your heads in shame!

Previously Unseen Footage: Jael puts on a brunette wig and annoys the entire house without even opening her mouth. Now that's talent! Renee calls her a "female Kramer."

Previously Unseen Footage: Renee switches rooms to get away from Jael, who wasn't done spreading her light upon Renee. Jael confronts Renee, who gives some lame excuse about needing sleep. Jael is upset that Renee didn't talk to her and give her a chance to mend her ways without fleeing. Which is a good point. Because Renee is a bitch. But she's been hurt!

The girls go to some high school for walking lessons and hootchie-mama prom dresses. Sarah's boobs are flagrantly on display, to the joy of all the teenaged boys present. Draglene sucks and goes all ghetto on the other girls when they talk about her behind her back.

Previously Unseen Footage: Tyra takes the girls on a picnic at a playground. Draglene corners poor Cassandra (remember her? me neither) and talks about how "real" she is and blah blah blah, while the other girls have a good time. Poor Cassandra!

Renee cries about not being around her baby, and the other girls are sick of it. Now granted, I can understand how she'd be distraught to be away from her son for weeks at a time. That would be gut-wrenching... were she an actual human being.

[start of soapbox]

But then she's all, "I'd give anything to be holding my son right now!" Well, no, bitch, you wouldn't. No one put a gun to your head and forced you to audition. There are no armed guards outside your house keeping you from going to him. Just quit! Quit the competition!

Ah, but you wouldn't "give anything," would you, Renee? You wouldn't give up your chance at being the ANTM winner, would you? No. So you're a bitch AND a liar.

And perhaps that's what's really making you cry, Renee? The knowledge that you're selfish and a terrible mother? Cry all you want, skank, but don't give us the "give anything" lie. We know better.